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Appropriate level of "Acceptance" to your in-law(s)

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  • Nov 27th, 2019 10:26 pm
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[OP]
Member
Oct 17, 2008
408 posts
79 upvotes
Toronto

Appropriate level of "Acceptance" to your in-law(s)

It is kind of sad that you don't get to choose who to be your parents/siblings. However, it is always my struggle to figure out how much is good enough and how much is too much.....

I have a family member recently married a woman where her behavior around us is quite strange (she would remain in the car parked on the street than visit our home, control the family decision based on her control of the family member, and well...getting an easier way out in this immigration system through marriage). The first time the parents of both sides ever met was on the wedding day....
She came to Canada to study (rushed into a relationship), does not have real work experience (work mostly in restaurants cleaning dishes and take out trash), and clearly her student visa is expiring (hence marriage decision)...

Actions usually speak louder than words - I am having a hard time accepting this in-law in the system where I supposed that I could "choose".....if I cannot choose my parents, my siblings....then I definitely can choose to accept just the fact (that they are married)....is that enough?

thoughts?
26 replies
Deal Addict
Jun 23, 2010
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Turn your back on this woman, what a deplorable example of humanity. Don’t worry about her, let her sit in the car all alone, do you really want someone like that in your own home? Just keep your bases covered and don’t say anything derogatory about her, and let her dig herself into her nasty lonely hole and sit back and watch it unfold. Don’t make her issues your issues.
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Mar 7, 2007
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I just posted the following on another post, in the careers section...

There is a wonderful book called "The No A$$hole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't".
By Stanford professor Robert I. Sutton.

Basically, the title of the book tells you everything you need to know: do not hire a'holes to work with you. Just don't.

And the same rule applies to marriage! The most important relationship you would ever have! Do not bring a'holes into your life, into your family! And if you do, then fix it (divorce).
Deal Fanatic
Sep 16, 2004
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I'd hit it.;)
Deal Fanatic
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Nov 6, 2010
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In the ideal world all your family members and their spouses would get along with everyone, but in reality that's not always true.

As you mentioned you can't choose who your family dates and ultimately maries so the best you can do is accept that they make your family member happy in some way and put on your best behavior in the name of that.

I think part of it is also the family members themselves. Like if you're a very close knit family that spends lots of time together, you expect your family members to transmit those values to their potential partners and choose one based on that.
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Dec 3, 2009
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This person camps out in a car for hours during family visits??? Wow. I didn't think there's a culture on Earth where this wouldnt be considered an insult.
Remember to be an RFD-er and NOT a degenerate.
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Sep 19, 2006
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andy_ca_cn wrote: It is kind of sad that you don't get to choose who to be your parents/siblings. However, it is always my struggle to figure out how much is good enough and how much is too much.....

I have a family member recently married a woman where her behavior around us is quite strange (she would remain in the car parked on the street than visit our home, control the family decision based on her control of the family member, and well...getting an easier way out in this immigration system through marriage). The first time the parents of both sides ever met was on the wedding day....
She came to Canada to study (rushed into a relationship), does not have real work experience (work mostly in restaurants cleaning dishes and take out trash), and clearly her student visa is expiring (hence marriage decision)...

Actions usually speak louder than words - I am having a hard time accepting this in-law in the system where I supposed that I could "choose".....if I cannot choose my parents, my siblings....then I definitely can choose to accept just the fact (that they are married)....is that enough?

thoughts?
I knew I remember seeing a similar post. Is this the follow up post to this one?


http://forums.redflagdeals.com/immigrat ... e-2324191/
Sharing is Caring - Without people sharing info, these forums would not exist and no one would benefit from it. Don't be selfish.

They really need to show who downvotes so we can find out the mofus is
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Sep 19, 2006
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Sounds like your friend or family member will be getting the boot soon once she gets her PR.

Hope the person doesn't messed up and gets deported
Sharing is Caring - Without people sharing info, these forums would not exist and no one would benefit from it. Don't be selfish.

They really need to show who downvotes so we can find out the mofus is
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Aug 19, 2010
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If its just a fraud then you don't have to accept them. Whats the point.
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Jun 9, 2003
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andy_ca_cn wrote: It is kind of sad that you don't get to choose who to be your parents/siblings. However, it is always my struggle to figure out how much is good enough and how much is too much.....

I have a family member recently married a woman where her behavior around us is quite strange (she would remain in the car parked on the street than visit our home, control the family decision based on her control of the family member, and well...getting an easier way out in this immigration system through marriage). The first time the parents of both sides ever met was on the wedding day....
She came to Canada to study (rushed into a relationship), does not have real work experience (work mostly in restaurants cleaning dishes and take out trash), and clearly her student visa is expiring (hence marriage decision)...

Actions usually speak louder than words - I am having a hard time accepting this in-law in the system where I supposed that I could "choose".....if I cannot choose my parents, my siblings....then I definitely can choose to accept just the fact (that they are married)....is that enough?

thoughts?
that's just an observation....could be many reasons ...ie suffocating parents-in-law. Or you are right...the woman is just not a ppl person.
Deal Addict
Apr 26, 2013
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Sounds like you think shes in it for the Visa, well it sucks but you're just going to have to deal with it because her partner, your relative for whatever reason over looks this obvious red flags so either there is a reason behind it and they know or they're accepting this behaviour. Not much you can do.
[OP]
Member
Oct 17, 2008
408 posts
79 upvotes
Toronto
PCUSER wrote: Turn your back on this woman, what a deplorable example of humanity. Don’t worry about her, let her sit in the car all alone, do you really want someone like that in your own home? Just keep your bases covered and don’t say anything derogatory about her, and let her dig herself into her nasty lonely hole and sit back and watch it unfold. Don’t make her issues your issues.
Glad I wasnt the only one thinking her act was strange....everyone's at home, but she sits by herself inside the car parked by the street. My neighbour thought something was wrong with the family....
[OP]
Member
Oct 17, 2008
408 posts
79 upvotes
Toronto
No Frills wrote: This person camps out in a car for hours during family visits??? Wow. I didn't think there's a culture on Earth where this wouldnt be considered an insult.
Yep! this is not the first time...in fact, after they got married...this has always been the case. Either park by the street, or just on the drive way....I don't know if I am to pull out a red carpet for her....just seem too much for me to outreach this level of acceptance...
[OP]
Member
Oct 17, 2008
408 posts
79 upvotes
Toronto
Pochacco wrote: I knew I remember seeing a similar post. Is this the follow up post to this one?


http://forums.redflagdeals.com/immigrat ... e-2324191/
No, unfortunately, I think this was a karma of it. My family friends often talk about these visa visitors and how they feel scammed. Right after they got married, this becomes a "Hot topic" at their coffee table....then, happens to their family too....

In fact, because it happened to my own personal family...seeing my friend falling in the same trap, I just cant help it but getting my sanity checked again....but this time...it has been at least 3 months (Aug'19) since my family member's marriage...my friend is getting married end of 2019.....my prayer is with them having to deal with what I dealt with....
Last edited by andy_ca_cn on Nov 27th, 2019 6:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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