In a pickle **sort of**.. ladies your input?

[doomhammer]

Hi guys,

I'm in bit of a pickle here.. so without going into too much detail I'll briefly recap what's going on.

Rewind to 2006.. I met this girl in University.. she was in another campus.. but anyway we kinda sorta dated for 2yrs and then some ish happened and we parted ways. We never really completely lost touch though as we had mutual friends and of course facebook. We would randomly shoot an email now and then just to say hi.. nothing heavy.

Anyway jump to 2010 and I got married.. but fate is a cruel mistress I think.. that one ended 6 months later.. and I was/am single now and not seeing anyone ATM. Last year I heard through mutual friends that she got married last year. So yeah I was happy for her and didn't think much about it. Now.. a few months ago.. I got a random email from her inquiring how I'm doing etc. I replied out of courtesy etc. So that's been going on since like.. March? maybe. Nothing serious stuff though.

Anyway I've come to learn shes totally unhappy with the guy. He's a douche of douches.. he has a previous kid from another marriage whos a punk and half and causes lots of trouble at home.. his own family (parents + siblings) are kind of pricks to her and basically shes totally depressed as hell. She said he even hit her on an occasion. They dont have any children yet. And to top it off.. the first wife calls now and then to 'check up on the kid'.

My problem is 2-fold.. #1- She.. was such a lively person back then.. she was so full of life.. a minute spent with her and you'd forget your problems.. she was jovial and happy.. and its really breaking my heart now to see her in this situation. And #2- She hasn't said this yet but I think she wants out.. and this is where I come in because I'm also unattached now and.. I definitely have feelings for her but I have not told her anything. I would really hate myself to 'break' up whatever she has going. I think the initiation would have to come from her.

Oh also.. she moved to west coast after marriage.. and I'm here around Nepean, ON region.. so we're separated by a fair distance ha.

Anyway I don't know what I should do? Should I even do anything? I'm so confused.

Gals please provide your input. Even the guys if you have advice.

Thanks all.

[Ottomaddox]

Anyway I don't know what I should do?


Nothing.

[Simaahoy]

It's her problem to figure out.... on her own.

[peanutz]

Uh, don't take this post as "female advice". Just peanutz rattling off thoughts.

It could give her some security/confidence if you took the first step and offered to be there for her.

But anyway, if I were you, I'd just go for it and tell her how you feel and let her make the decision...just direct and straightforward like that. If I want her, I'm going after her, and not losing her to d---head.

Life is WAY too short to spend with someone who makes you miserable. I can't stand 1-2 hours with someone who does that to me; I have no idea how people get married and stay unless there are children involved.

[flashy_mcflash]

If he's hitting her, you need to tell her to get the hell out of there NOW. This isn't about you slaying poon right now, it's about her getting out of an abusive situation.

[poedua]

Anyway I don't know what I should do? Should I even do anything? I'm so confused.

Gals please provide your input. Even the guys if you have advice.

Thanks all.

Do nothing.

[Muney]

Anyway I don't know what I should do?

You should provide cliffs on the situation. I'm not reading that wall of text.

[canehdianman]

Dear Robin Hood,

Do nothing.

[Mr. Robo]

Obviously, you want somebody to tell you that it's okay to break up their marriage so that you can weasel your way back into her life. Then I'd say go for it. As long as you both are happy with the decision, so be it.

[doomhammer]

I have no idea how people get married and stay unless there are children involved.I don't know details either but I would think he was fine before and after.. people change?

[doomhammer]

You should provide cliffs on the situation. I'm not reading that wall of text.

Without that you wouldn't know what to say.
I think.

[doomhammer]

Obviously, you want somebody to tell you that it's okay to break up their marriage so that you can weasel your way back into her life. Then I'd say go for it. As long as you both are happy with the decision, so be it.

No you got it wrong. I'm not trying to break up anything. Please read the original post.

[peanutz]

I think it's OK to break them up. I would. She's contacting him because she is probably unhappy and/or lonely.

Offering love instead of hits isn't something to be ashamed of.

[Xpwmata]

Do whatever makes you happy:).

[spike1128]

Do nothing. Only offer support as a friend.

Here is reasons why.
1) don't think she will divorce to go with you
2) after her marriage, she will carry the scars of that relationship to you. the girl you used to know no longer exists
3) she might divorce but get away from abuse, but not go with you
4) she got her into this mess even if she is such a lively person before. life is quite fair, just part of her turn to take a downturn in life. not sure what she thinking marrying a broken guy, he got divorced for a good reason aka abuser.

[Psubs]

Anyway I've come to learn shes totally unhappy with the guy. He's a douche of douches.. he has a previous kid from another marriage whos a punk and half and causes lots of trouble at home.. his own family (parents + siblings) are kind of pricks to her and basically shes totally depressed as hell. She said he even hit her on an occasion. They dont have any children yet. And to top it off.. the first wife calls now and then to 'check up on the kid'.

My problem is 2-fold.. #1- She.. was such a lively person back then.. she was so full of life.. a minute spent with her and you'd forget your problems.. she was jovial and happy.. and its really breaking my heart now to see her in this situation. And #2- She hasn't said this yet but I think she wants out.. and this is where I come in because I'm also unattached now and.. I definitely have feelings for her but I have not told her anything. I would really hate myself to 'break' up whatever she has going. I think the initiation would have to come from her.


She has NOTHING going on!!! If the matrimonial home is in both their names tell her to divorce and get paid. :razz:

Immediately tell her not to get pregnant and get stuck with this family forever. Then tell her that things will be fine should she leave as you are free now too. Whether that's what you wanted or not doesn't matter, just that you're doing fine.

I agree with the above poster. Try and get her out of the bad situation as a friend. If things work out later romantically then so be it.

[D-Roc]

Here is the thing. You have to consider she may not be telling the whole truth. How do you truly know he has hit her? Is that big a douche? How the family really treats her? Unless you have seen it first hand, you should be skeptical and tread carefully.

[doomhammer]

Here is the thing. You have to consider she may not be telling the whole truth. How do you truly know he has hit her? Is that big a douche? How the family really treats her? Unless you have seen it first hand, you should be skeptical and tread carefully.

Yes I totally agree with you. 100%.. we don't really know. But I will take it at least maybe 50%-60%?

[EbonyRose]

Do nothing. This is her issue and her problem to work out. It's so unhealthy what you guys are doing. If she wants to be with you, let her figure it out on her own. Why does she need to know that you'll be waiting as a safety net before she leaves? If it's THAT bad at home, she should leave anyway, regardless of whether you make a move or not. I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who would only jump ship, if they have someone lined up already. That just screams "I have issues with being alone". Even if you make a move and she responds, that makes her a cheater. No matter how bad things get at home, it's not an excuse to cheat. The right thing to do is to leave the marriage first, before pursuing anything.

Even after she leaves, she needs time to get over her ex and to process everything that happened. She'll be in no position to start dating you right away. On top of that, she won't be the person you use to know. Relationships change people, especially bad ones. Be there to support her as a FRIEND and nothing else. Once her life is stable and she's no longer married or dealing with issues from her broken marriage, then and ONLY then, should you guys begin dating. If you want things to last with her, that's the only way to go about it.

[d182]

Do nothing. Only offer support as a friend.



I agree. Just let her know that you're there for her as a friend and she can rely on you for emotional support. If/when she separates, then step in and tell her how you feel :)

[D-Roc]

Yes I totally agree with you. 100%.. we don't really know. But I will take it at least maybe 50%-60%?

I would only take it at face value. Not 50 to 60%. Just provide her info where she can go in her area to get support. Shelters, etc.

[uber_shnitz]

I agree, show her that there's support methods for such situation and offer support as a friend but nothing more for now. If she decides to pursue action, then maybe we can talk about further action on your part, but I don't think it wise to get mixed up in someone else's family business when you're not that close to them anymore.

[mrperfect]

Its really hard to tell you to do nothing, however I must agree with the others. Having learned from my own experience about something similar. One day I went to watch a game and took transit to avoid parking in downtown. While coming back it was just me and another couple on the train who were arguing and the dude was getting into her face and screaming at the top of his lungs. Then I think he tried to shove or choke her and I've had enough.
At first I wanted to get up and intervene but thought its worthless so instead I pressed the silent alarm. Couple of stations later cops show up asking whats going on. By this time the couple changed their story and acted like nothing happened and the girl kept defending the guy. Then the cop comes upto me and asks sir have you been drinking etc, I mean in the end they didnt believe me because of the girl, and the guy had a cynical smirk on his face when I got off at my stop.

While walking back I thought that I should have just stayed out and mind my business. :facepalm: I know its hard to believe, but sometimes it might turn against you and you will end up coming out as the bad guy...

[danfromwaterloo]

Hi guys,

I'm in bit of a pickle here.. so without going into too much detail I'll briefly recap what's going on.

Rewind to 2006.. I met this girl in University.. she was in another campus.. but anyway we kinda sorta dated for 2yrs and then some ish happened and we parted ways. We never really completely lost touch though as we had mutual friends and of course facebook. We would randomly shoot an email now and then just to say hi.. nothing heavy.

Anyway jump to 2010 and I got married.. but fate is a cruel mistress I think.. that one ended 6 months later.. and I was/am single now and not seeing anyone ATM. Last year I heard through mutual friends that she got married last year. So yeah I was happy for her and didn't think much about it. Now.. a few months ago.. I got a random email from her inquiring how I'm doing etc. I replied out of courtesy etc. So that's been going on since like.. March? maybe. Nothing serious stuff though.

Anyway I've come to learn shes totally unhappy with the guy. He's a douche of douches.. he has a previous kid from another marriage whos a punk and half and causes lots of trouble at home.. his own family (parents + siblings) are kind of pricks to her and basically shes totally depressed as hell. She said he even hit her on an occasion. They dont have any children yet. And to top it off.. the first wife calls now and then to 'check up on the kid'.

My problem is 2-fold.. #1- She.. was such a lively person back then.. she was so full of life.. a minute spent with her and you'd forget your problems.. she was jovial and happy.. and its really breaking my heart now to see her in this situation. And #2- She hasn't said this yet but I think she wants out.. and this is where I come in because I'm also unattached now and.. I definitely have feelings for her but I have not told her anything. I would really hate myself to 'break' up whatever she has going. I think the initiation would have to come from her.

Oh also.. she moved to west coast after marriage.. and I'm here around Nepean, ON region.. so we're separated by a fair distance ha.

Anyway I don't know what I should do? Should I even do anything? I'm so confused.

Gals please provide your input. Even the guys if you have advice.

Thanks all.

1. Stay away. This has all the hallmarks of a heartbreak and a half. She's married, so for any reasonable human being, that should be enough to keep your distance. You're not the white knight you presume to be. Stop acting that way. You're being used as an emotional sponge that she will use and discard when things get a little bit better. If she's unhappy with her marriage, she should either work on fixing it or leave. Your involvement is providing her with a sanctuary where she doesn't have to deal with her problems but can get lost in fantasy. Stop it.

2. She's on the other side of the continent. There are literally millions of women out there for you to date. Even if she's one in a million, that means there's probably 16 other replicas of her running around in North America. Go find a closer one that has neither the baggage nor the history with you.

3. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. I'll bet that you have a history with dating damaged chicks. You have a deep seated need to be the guy who rescues the girl. You're going to swoop in, take her away from her troubles, fix her, and she'll love you forever because of it, right? That type of pattern is always repeated by guys who have low self-esteem and are often socially awkward. After all, a woman won't love you just because, right? She needs a reason to love you and you fixing everything will force her to love you. You have to tell yourself that you're better than that. You deserve someone who doesn't need rescuing.

[yao416]

Get on your knee and propose to her

[kamilio]

Too much drama. You already had one marriage fail in 6 months so no offense but I think you need to hit the breaks and not get into another 6 month ride.

Neither of you should be involved with anyone at the moment seeing as you both make bad decisions.

[Franchise10]

+1 on do nothing.

Cliffs would be: Girl I used to date is married to a douche, what should I do?

[buffylover]

if he's hitting her, you need to tell her to get the hell out of there now. This isn't about you slaying poon right now, it's about her getting out of an abusive situation.

this

[sandikosh]

OP do what Forest Gump did. Run and don't stop running. Never get involve with women who is having problems.

[Psubs]

OP do what Forest Gump did. Run and don't stop running. Never get involve with women who is having problems.

OMG, I just watched this yesterday on TV. :razz:

Crazy they invested in a company named after a fruit... $$$!!! It's even bigger now than when the movie was made.

OP should tell her to get out and after the dust settles to give him a shout. If she has no family or girl friends to console her, only then can you step in.

[Corleone187]

you know what to do hero ;)

[Psubs]

you know what to do hero ;)

Save the Cheerleader, save the World.

https://inieto.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/hiro-nakamura-heroes.jpg

[DJ_Peanuts22]

You do nothing. Her marital problems are none of your concern. Last thing you want to do is get sucked in.

If you know a marriage counselor or professional psychiatrist then pass on their info/business card to her and tell her to call them for help.

[xXxTehxXx]

Save the Cheerleader, save the World.

https://inieto.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/hiro-nakamura-heroes.jpg

/thread

OP I don't know why you'd ask strangers on the Internet how to manage your (past/current) love life, you're not going to like the answers. Deep down you knew what you wanted to do before you made this thread, stick with that and don't look back

[spike1128]

Its really hard to tell you to do nothing, however I must agree with the others. Having learned from my own experience about something similar. One day I went to watch a game and took transit to avoid parking in downtown. While coming back it was just me and another couple on the train who were arguing and the dude was getting into her face and screaming at the top of his lungs. Then I think he tried to shove or choke her and I've had enough.
At first I wanted to get up and intervene but thought its worthless so instead I pressed the silent alarm. Couple of stations later cops show up asking whats going on. By this time the couple changed their story and acted like nothing happened and the girl kept defending the guy. Then the cop comes upto me and asks sir have you been drinking etc, I mean in the end they didnt believe me because of the girl, and the guy had a cynical smirk on his face when I got off at my stop.

While walking back I thought that I should have just stayed out and mind my business. :facepalm: I know its hard to believe, but sometimes it might turn against you and you will end up coming out as the bad guy...

Do mods usually comment on threads?

[aTriangle]

I would go after her. The 'sacredness' of marriage is reducible to a paper certificate. There is no sacredness - at least, not anymore. If you want her, go for it. If she wants to leave her marriage, it is her choice.

[deltone]

Do mods usually comment on threads?

Of course they do. They're people too!! :D

[d182]

Do mods usually comment on threads?

He wasn't always a mod. :razz:

^ and yeah, they're people too (with opinions and feelings and such)

[AcidBomber]

By request. :!: