Losing friends one by one after college/university [Archive]

Jasonandme

Jun 24th, 2012, 04:07 AM

iEyeCaptain

Jun 24th, 2012, 09:33 AM

Normal.

Get a gf. All problems solved.

uber_shnitz

Jun 24th, 2012, 09:37 AM

Yup, it's pretty normal. Everytime you move through stages of life (grade school-->high school--->University--->work--->marriage) you end up losing some friends and making new ones.

aTriangle

Jun 24th, 2012, 09:56 AM

When you get older, you lose friends one at a time due to death. :/

rageking

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:02 AM

jp06

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:09 AM

just find new friends... unless you're not sociable?

pmbpro

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:14 AM

When you get older, you lose friends one at a time due to death. :/

Very true. I just did. Her 55th birthday was just on Wednesday. She died the very next morning (lung and brain cancer). She was the third friend in just 3 years -- the other 2 were only in their mid-40s, my age, and around their birthdays too. :cry:

Enjoy your friends, family and your life when you can.

djemzine

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:17 AM

I graduated a year ago, and I notice that I am losing friends slowly - as time goes by.

Many of us just seems to be too busy with their career; some moved to the other countries,
some just disappeared, some just dont seem to communicate anymore.

I am surprise how many of us didnt even bother calling or meet up for lunch/dinner.

We no longer have big parties like before but usually only 1-2 friends at a time
(since its hard to get everyone committing on 'that one day')

Is this normal? Or is it just me?

I definitely have to agree with this, however I do prefer my university/undergrad friends as I do with friends I made through via family friends or from high school. Just don't keep in touch, plus they'd only call when they need something. Even then they are too busy to even hang out for 1 hour. Sometimes I wish my university/undergrad friends are here but that's not the case.

They all live too far, i.e. the ones I still keep in touch with heh.

pmbpro

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:26 AM

Some of them likely were never interested in being friends for life in the first place. They wanted or needed friends, or "buddies" during that phase then they move on.

You will certainly pick up more friends later on, provided you dont try to replace that 'friend' with a close clone.

Good point. One also can't "force" close friendships either. Even at the age I'm at now, I just let it flow -- whatever level/closeness the friendship ends up turning out to be. Even good, quality "acquaintance-ships" are a nice thing and I welcome them, however long (or short) they last.

setell

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:33 AM

Very true. I just did. Her 55th birthday was just on Wednesday. She died the very next morning (lung and brain cancer). She was the third friend in just 3 years -- the other 2 were only in their mid-40s, my age, and around their birthdays too. :cry:

Enjoy your friends, family and your life when you can.

Sorry to hear about your friend :(

OP, it happens and you move on. A great friend will still keep in touch. I haven't lived in the same city with some friends for years now but yet I still talk to them fairly frequently and have no plans to stop talking to these people. Geographic location hinders the hanging out part but doesn't mean you still can't keep in touch and be friends for each other. These to me are the true friends as they care about your well being even though they are hundreds of kilometer away.

xlc_88

Jun 24th, 2012, 11:47 AM

I definitely have to agree with this, however I do prefer my university/undergrad friends as I do with friends I made through via family friends or from high school. Just don't keep in touch, plus they'd only call when they need something. Even then they are too busy to even hang out for 1 hour. Sometimes I wish my university/undergrad friends are here but that's not the case.

They all live too far, i.e. the ones I still keep in touch with heh.

I like my University friends better too. Same mentality and similar interests.

I liked my high school years but some of my "friends" were annoying. I've removed many of my elementary and high school friends on Facebook. It's not because I don't like them. It's because we haven't talked to each other for so long and gets rather creepy when all you do is just creep and stalk their profiles rather than to meet up and talk.

smartcdn

Jun 24th, 2012, 11:48 AM

Normal.

Get a gf. All problems solved.

So true. Very good topic. Facebook isn't helping society problems like this much either.

mbg

Jun 24th, 2012, 12:14 PM

It's pretty normal. The first mistake was probably in considering those to be friendships.

A lot of so-called friendships are really just regular acquaintances that come about because of some shared need or want at some point in time, sort of like a marriage of convenience.

When the need/want is gone, so is the regular acquaintance.

wachidarin

Jun 24th, 2012, 12:21 PM

Yep it's normal. I didn't have many friends in university to begin with, many just a couple people and they disappeared immediately.
It takes a lot of work to maintain friendships since everyone seems to have different priorities. You just gotta branch out at work or elsewhere..

Also, if you're in a relationship, it's harder to socialize I find. I spend the majority of my time with my bf and don't feel lonely.

t3359

Jun 24th, 2012, 12:25 PM

I still have alot of friends from University (almost none from high school now), but the majority of my current friends are those from the different jobs. Getting married changes those too...

Are you working? No new friends from work? I'm a guy in a relatively young engineering company, so everyone's around my age - pretty sociable too, so it's been pretty easy for me.

But in the end, yeah, the biggest drop in the number of close friends probably came after high school and after university.

bjl

JK400

Jun 24th, 2012, 12:48 PM

OP it's perfectly normal. You'll find friends come and go all the time these days. You'll probably find it happens the same with gfs/bfs as well, at least for a while.

Jasonandme

Jun 24th, 2012, 01:30 PM

I think some of you might think i m a loner or something.
No, thats not what I mean (at least I dont look forward being one in future).

Its just that I feel like I am losing some 'close friends'; and its harder to make new close friends

Sure, I can give a call to some of my co-workers, new friends, go out for a drink blah blah blah
but i dont think thats the same. Dont get me wrong, most of them are nice.

But at the same time, because they are your new friends or even co-workers, you
dont really talk the same to them (nothing too much about family or whatever). Whereas someone
I knew in high school, they grew up with me, so they pretty much know everything about me already.
So i think thats different.

Mr. Robo

Jun 24th, 2012, 01:38 PM

Yeah, like what some people have already said. These "friends" of yours were never really a friend in the first place. Back in your school years, I found out that people need company, groups, common interests, etc. Your true friends keep in touch of each other.

Nurse2B

Jun 24th, 2012, 02:08 PM

Yeah, like what some people have already said. These "friends" of yours were never really a friend in the first place.

+1

I don't think you "lose" friends after highschool/post-secondary, you just find out who your real ones are.

Corleone187

Jun 24th, 2012, 02:13 PM

dont want to sound like a jerk but you should stop living in the past instead of trying to cling on to it

my best friend I knew since I was a kid, and why that lasted was because we never forced anything on each other like being forced to hang around. Even sometimes we didn't even talk to each other for months, probably up to 6 months or something.

Just because you don't talk to them doesn't mean you lose them, it just means your situations have changed. But you can't cling on to past situation like when you were in grade school cause how and where you spend your time now isn't the same. When you were in Uni you probably saw them everyday because you were forced to go to school so you had no choice but to see them. But now it's the real world.

Corleone187

Jun 24th, 2012, 02:14 PM

Syne

Jun 24th, 2012, 03:18 PM

I'm going to actually disagree with the majority here. My best friends and I have stuck it out through high school, college, drugs, marriage, kids, divorce, and several jobs.

We didn't always live in the same city, but once we all settled (5 of us) we found ourselves in the same city. Now we all play ball on Tuesdays and hit the pub after and reminisce over some beers. We do other things too, but we're 15+ years into this friendship and I don't see it suddenly dying for any reason.

Even my first major girlfriend and I are great friends 15+ years on. I feel like you never really lose these first relationships unless you really want to. I've always been the nucleus of the group, but I think at this point all the friendships will persist beyond my passing.

willdacanucker

Jun 24th, 2012, 03:36 PM

I know eh. I used to have a lot of friends back in the day. Now I have none. Life just has a way of doing that. I also moved more times than was healthy over the past 15 years (and about to again :confused:), so that is another reason. It just happens. REAL friends will stick around no matter. I have yet to find any and it sounds like you need to. Eventually it will all fall into place for you, I am sure. Cheers.

bleeet

Jun 24th, 2012, 03:38 PM

I told a co-op student in my office that there is a good chance she will lose contact with many people she knows in University

she doesn't believe me......so I can't wait to hear her tell me that I was right a year after she graduates

djemzine

Jun 24th, 2012, 03:49 PM

No Frills

Jun 24th, 2012, 03:59 PM

You don't need as many friends after school. You don't need to get together as often as you did before anyways.

It reminds me of the movies these days coming out where the characters are around 30 like American Reunion and Just Friends. When you do get together, its just more of a big deal....there are just too many obligations when youre older.

setell

Jun 24th, 2012, 04:39 PM

To be honest, I've yet to find a close, "true" friend, one that does keep in touch on a regular basis. Have yet to find one whom is like that. I did have one in university but alas she moved to South Korea to teach.

Maybe we should create an RFD "Friend meet" event LOL. Jokes of course.

What is a regular basis? Obviously as working professionals I may not talk to my friends on a daily basis like I used to but we chat fairly frequent. I consider them my close friends when I go through a rough patch in my life and they are there for me. Somebody for me to cry on and to hear me b!tch. You know they are close friends when they are there for you when your life is in the gutters and are still there for you. I would do the same thing for my close friends. You don't just share crappy bad times but happy times as well!

OP, honestly you lose friends. True friends stay friends regardless of distance and the frequency you talk to each other. I didn't talk to a close girlfriend for months as I was busy and she was busy. Months later, we started talking as if there was no gap in us not talking other than a brief blurb as to what kept us busy for the past few months. You can just pick it up right away as they know you. If you can't then maybe you guys weren't that good friends to begin with.

Drew87

Jun 24th, 2012, 04:52 PM

A lot of quality posts in this thread...

I have to say I'm on the side of the fence where I think people use the term "friend" or "best friend" too loosely...

I think the average person only has 1-3 real best friends - the ones that don't care how successful you are - or how good or bad your life is - they just enjoy hanging out or talking to you as a person + share common interests with you etc.. As setell said - there, there for you when you need to complain and vice versa and are also happy when you suceed.....

I think a lot of people confuse "friends" with acquaintances - people that they don't mind hanging out with but would have never met if it wasn't for either their job or one of there best friends.....Acquaintances are people you'd trust enough to hang out with, invite to parties etc but as soon as your life hits a bump there not around......

People tend to have a lot of acquaintances because it makes you're social life more exciting and allows you to meet new people easier....

My thoughts on this subject are jumbled.....Acquaintances are also the type of people that make you feel comfortable in social settings - such as school, and work.....No one wants to be the loner and having people you can at least make casual conversations with makes things easier.....

Personally I can talk to my best friends about anything - personal or not - On the other hand, acquaintances are people I'd usually keep the conversation simple with.....Usually sticking to general topics such as the weather, sports, movies, music etc....

djemzine

Jun 24th, 2012, 05:44 PM

What is a regular basis? Obviously as working professionals I may not talk to my friends on a daily basis like I used to but we chat fairly frequent. I consider them my close friends when I go through a rough patch in my life and they are there for me. Somebody for me to cry on and to hear me b!tch. You know they are close friends when they are there for you when your life is in the gutters and are still there for you. I would do the same thing for my close friends. You don't just share crappy bad times but happy times as well!

OP, honestly you lose friends. True friends stay friends regardless of distance and the frequency you talk to each other. I didn't talk to a close girlfriend for months as I was busy and she was busy. Months later, we started talking as if there was no gap in us not talking other than a brief blurb as to what kept us busy for the past few months. You can just pick it up right away as they know you. If you can't then maybe you guys weren't that good friends to begin with.

Regular basis not as on a daily basis, but at least 1 or 2 times a week. Just a simple hello and plans to meet and catch up, etc.

Like I said, I haven't met or seen that close friend yet.

OP I am sure you will make new and better friends.

Syne

Jun 24th, 2012, 06:02 PM

What is a little sad are people who use getting older or having more responsibilities as excuses to lose touch with friends. I mean let's face it, sometimes having close friends is a pain in the arse . Helping them move, attending obligatory social functions, dealing with them bringing up the past, and helping them out in a crisis. It can be a hassle, but it's also a responsibility you take on because friendship cuts both ways. You have to be a good friend to them as well.

Getting married, having kids or taking on a new job are also responsibilities and naturally much more pressing ones, but understand that these are mutually exclusive from your friendships. Both can co-exist with a bit of effort. It's those who don't make the effort that end up in their 30s, realize they have an overweight and increasingly unattractive spouse, find themselves working 10+ hour days at the office, have redefined a social outing as time spent helping the in-laws with some home renovation while nursing a warm beer, wondering when exactly their social lives went completely downhill.

You don't have to be that person.

renoldman

Jun 24th, 2012, 06:21 PM

Getting married changes those too...

This is pretty big.

I think after a couple of years, most people who have got married and have kids usually end with friends in the same situation.

Single people usually don't have many married friends with kids either.

poedua

Jun 24th, 2012, 06:25 PM

It's those who don't make the effort that end up in their 30s, realize they have an overweight and increasingly unattractive spouse, find themselves working 10+ hour days at the office, have redefined a social outing as time spent helping the in-laws with some home renovation while nursing a warm beer, wondering when exactly their social lives went completely downhill.

You don't have to be that person.

Maybe they're busting their butt at the office - putting in the long hours - so they can get ahead in their careers...it's a very common thing do in one's 30's....in fact, it's in your 30's when you're EXPECTED to work your butt off in your career.

Do you work in an office environment - or elsewhere ?

Whichever it is, I suspect there have been times when you yourself have had to log major hours at your job, in hopes of furthering your career ( or at worst ..to ensure you keep your job ;) ) as well.

And if you're doing 10 hour days and have to commute home after that and you're married & in your 30's, with young kids, with a house to maintain, pressures to get the the kids to various activities etc. then the time to touch base with old university buddies buddies comes at a premium.

Family ( parents, wife, kids, in-laws ) and career come first ( at least IMO ) ...and if you can carve out a decent social life with old friends in the process, then that's just icing on the cake.;).

Syne

Jun 24th, 2012, 06:39 PM

In-laws before friends? How have they earned such an honour? Simply by being related to the person you decided to marry?

Toukolou

Jun 24th, 2012, 06:46 PM

Maybe they're busting their butt at the office - putting in the long hours - so they can get ahead in their careers...it's a very common thing do in one's 30's....in fact, it's in your 30's when you're EXPECTED to work your butt off in your career.

Do you work in an office environment - or elsewhere ?

Whichever it is, I suspect there have been times when you yourself have had to log major hours at your job, in hopes of furthering your career ( or at worst ..to ensure you keep your job ;) ) as well.

And if you're doing 10 hour days and have to commute home after that and you're married & in your 30's, with young kids, with a house to maintain, pressures to get the the kids to various activities etc. then the time to touch base with old university buddies buddies comes at a premium.

Family ( parents, wife, kids, in-laws ) and career come first ( at least IMO ) ...and if you can carve out a decent social life with old friends in the process, then that's just icing on the cake.;).

+1

Between work and immediate+extended family, we can count on one hand the number of close friends we have.

And we don't even have as much time as we'd like to spend with them!

Hats off to whoever can "do it all" without having something suffer in the process.

poedua

Jun 24th, 2012, 06:47 PM

In-laws before friends? How have they earned such an honour? Simply by being related to the person you decided to marry?

:rolleyes:

With free time at an extreme premium working 10 hour days etc. etc. to simply keep your job or get ahead in your career , - all other things being equal - parents making time for their young kids to see their grandparents, trumps seeing friends ' mommy & daddy ' partied with at university.

Priorities as a couple in their 30s' with kids, working long hours, carrying a mortgages etc. etc. - priorities.

setell

Jun 24th, 2012, 06:51 PM

:rolleyes:

With free time at an extreme premium working 10 hour days etc. etc., - all other things being equal - parents making time for their young kids to see their grandparents, trumps seeing friends ' mommy & daddy ' partied with at university.

Priorities as a couple in their 30s' with kids, working long hours, carrying a mortgages etc. etc. - priorities.

Syne probably hasn't worked full time to know how draining it can be and how to prioritize your life after work. I give a big kudo's to the parents that juggle, work, kids and activities for the kids. I'm juggling my own life and I'm finding it draining at times and I don't have kids!

sandikosh

Jun 24th, 2012, 06:57 PM

I graduated a year ago, and I notice that I am losing friends slowly - as time goes by.

Many of us just seems to be too busy with their career; some moved to the other countries,
some just disappeared, some just dont seem to communicate anymore.

I am surprise how many of us didnt even bother calling or meet up for lunch/dinner.

We no longer have big parties like before but usually only 1-2 friends at a time
(since its hard to get everyone committing on 'that one day')

Is this normal? Or is it just me?

This is all part of life. Ever since I graduated 10 years ago, I only keep contact with a handful of classmates. People move out the city/province/country. Some got very successful and decided to maintain contact only with those in their "class". Others started a new life.

Rainne

Jun 24th, 2012, 07:03 PM

Those weren't really your friends.

They just needed you during University because it was convenient.

Life long friends often form during childhood or high school.

poedua

Jun 24th, 2012, 07:04 PM

Syne probably hasn't worked full time to know how draining it can be and how to prioritize your life after work.

:?:

Not sure I follow

I give a big kudo's to the parents that juggle, work, kids and activities for the kids. I'm juggling my own life and I'm finding it draining at times and I don't have kids!

+1

I don't think people fully realize how time consuming, overwhelming and utterly draining being parents that juggle, work, kids and activities for the kids can really be.

A couple barely has enough ' free time ' for themselves as a couple, let alone ' free time ' to spend time with friends....married friends most often..... if at all...single friends much less so....typically, these single friends just don't ' get it '.;)

desidealer49

Jun 24th, 2012, 07:07 PM

I graduated a year ago, and I notice that I am losing friends slowly - as time goes by.

Many of us just seems to be too busy with their career; some moved to the other countries,
some just disappeared, some just dont seem to communicate anymore.

I am surprise how many of us didnt even bother calling or meet up for lunch/dinner.

We no longer have big parties like before but usually only 1-2 friends at a time
(since its hard to get everyone committing on 'that one day')

Is this normal? Or is it just me?

It is normal. Trust me.

On the other had I have made a few good friends with done of my co workers and some family friends as well and we stay in touch quite often. I have also noticed getting married tends to alienate most "singles" but you end up making new ones in a similar status.

I believe it has mostly to do with us as sharing common goals and interests nowadays. Society is just like that now :(

setell

Jun 24th, 2012, 07:32 PM

:?:

Not sure I follow

Syne is a career student. I've lost track on which degree/diploma he's currently pursuing so he don't have to pay back OSAP :D

Syne

Jun 24th, 2012, 08:23 PM

:rolleyes:

With free time at an extreme premium working 10 hour days etc. etc. to simply keep your job or get ahead in your career , - all other things being equal - parents making time for their young kids to see their grandparents, trumps seeing friends ' mommy & daddy ' partied with at university.

Priorities as a couple in their 30s' with kids, working long hours, carrying a mortgages etc. etc. - priorities.

Just because your friendships haven't evolved and you've put no work into them, doesn't mean that everyone else's friends are nothing more than people they partied with in school. You're clearly projecting here.

Obviously it's easy to minimize these relationships when you're actively trying to bury them with little to no effort.

Syne

Jun 24th, 2012, 08:24 PM

Syne probably hasn't worked full time to know how draining it can be and how to prioritize your life after work. I give a big kudo's to the parents that juggle, work, kids and activities for the kids. I'm juggling my own life and I'm finding it draining at times and I don't have kids!
I've had several full-time jobs, 3 of which I worked at for over a year.

Syne is a career student. I've lost track on which degree/diploma he's currently pursuing so he don't have to pay back OSAP :D

I love how poedua throws a clear flamebait pitch to you, "I'm not sure I follow", while at the same time sanctimoniously preaching in the Suggestions forum about how people flame and disrespect each other. Unbelievable.

Hey, if it's cute and clever enough it's not breaking the rules, right?

Either way, I don't see how putting my personal life into context is helping to frame this issue. I frequently disclose information voluntarily in order to give readers an idea of where I'm coming from, which is a courtesy very few contributors on RFD give to their readers - but this is a privilege and it's not something to be thrown in my face every time someone disagrees with me.

poedua

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:09 PM

Just because your friendships haven't evolved and you've put no work into them,

I've put just as much work into my friendships and they have evolved - absolute worst case - just as much as yours have.:D

doesn't mean that everyone else's friends are nothing more than people they partied with in school. You're clearly projecting here.

That's utter nonsense IMO.

I'm not the one ' projecting ' here in any way shape or form..if anything, you are .....the ' party ' reference simply stems directly from the OP's own comments in Post #1 ....." We no longer have big parties like before "

( Nice try though ;) )

Obviously it's easy to minimize these relationships when you're actively trying to bury them with little to no effort.

Its' not a matter of minimizing these relationships...it's matter of putting them in the proper perspective and in the correct priority...as I said before, ....if you're married in your 30's with family ( spouse / kids ) that's priority #1 first & foremost IMO ..all day long !!

Your university buddies always take a back seat in terms of priority to spouse and kids IMO ..always.....if anyone puts their university buddies at an equal or greater priority than ones spouse and kids...they're in for trouble IMO.

Syne

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:12 PM

Anyone who pretends that these two different groups of people can't be treated in a mutually exclusive fashion, strikes me as someone who is making excuses for having no friends outside of their immediate family.

You can sit there all day and say, "My family comes first" and find a way of getting out of doing anything with friends for the rest of your life if you want to.. as long as you realize it becomes an excuse after a while and it's you simply not making the time. Or who knows, maybe you never had any friends to begin with and you're just trying to bring everyone else down to your level of social isolation.

epik89

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:16 PM

Anyone who pretends two different groups of people can't be treated in a mutually exclusive fashion, strikes me as someone who is making excuses for having no friends outside of their immediate family.

You can sit there all day and say, "My family comes first" and find a way of getting out of doing anything with friends for the rest of your life if you want to.. as long as you realize it becomes an excuse after a while and it's you simply not making the time. Or who knows, maybe you never had any friends to begin with and you're just trying to bring everyone else down to your level of social isolation.

I wouldnt be surprised if people indeed put family first. I mean friends come and go and if they are your real friends they will always be there.

Syne

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:20 PM

I wouldnt be surprised if people indeed put family first. I mean friends come and go and if they are your real friends they will always be there.

Be there through thick and thin, yes.. Be there for when your life situation opens up and it's convenient for you to be friends with them again? Not so much..

The former is a friend, the latter a fair-weather friend.

poedua

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:20 PM

Anyone who pretends two different groups of people can't be treated in a mutually exclusive fashion, strikes me as someone who is making excuses for having no friends outside of their immediate family.

They can....1 simply takes a back seat in terms of priority to the other.

Early 30's, working long & hard hours to get ahead, with kids and a mortgage...then ( all other other things being equal ) - under that scenario - spouse & kids trump former university buddies you graduated with or your buddies who are still in university or whatever each and every time IMO.

poedua

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:22 PM

I wouldnt be surprised if people indeed put family first. I mean friends come and go and if they are your real friends they will always be there.

I'd say 99.9% of married couples in their 30's with young kids and new homes probably do.

djemzine

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:23 PM

I love how we got onto the topic of working, plus family, kids, etc. Heh. I guess this only applies to people in their late 20s/early 30s?

Syne

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:31 PM

In my first post, I acknowledged that work and family are more pressing obligations, but never did I intend this to be a debate over which is more important. Poedua decided to make it into some contest, implying that if you have friends you must be a crappy parent or careless with your career.

Work is important. Family is important. Friends are important too. I'm not interested in comparing degrees of importance here. I'm focusing on friends specifically (as per the OP) and simply stating that you can (as I have) maintain your friendships from high school or university simply by putting some effort into these relationships. It doesn't have to be all of your effort, and it doesn't have to be your foremost priority, but some work is required, as with any relationship.

setell

Jun 24th, 2012, 10:45 PM

They can....1 simply takes a back seat in terms of priority to the other.

Early 30's, working long & hard hours to get ahead, with kids and a mortgage...then ( all other other things being equal ) - under that scenario - spouse & kids trump former university buddies you graduated with or your buddies who are still in university or whatever each and every time IMO.

hmm you're making it seem you have zero time if you got kids and a mortgage but the fact is you should still be able to spare that few minutes a day in the week to send out emails/text/call friends? Your kids aren't your whole life even though for many parents it is.

In my first post, I acknowledged that work and family are more pressing obligations, but never did I intend this to be a debate over which is more important. Poedua decided to make it into some contest, implying that if you have friends you must be a crappy parent or careless with your career.

Work is important. Family is important. Friends are important too. I'm not interested in comparing degrees of importance here. I'm focusing on friends specifically (as per the OP) and simply stating that you can (as I have) maintain your friendships from high school or university simply by putting some effort into these relationships. It doesn't have to be all of your effort, and it doesn't have to be your foremost priority, but some work is required, as with any relationship.

+1 I agree with you 100%

LionHunter

Jun 25th, 2012, 12:04 AM

Normal.

Like everything in the West - friendships too are disposable

Some people work to live while other live to work.

jaxx lite

Jun 25th, 2012, 12:12 AM

Some of them likely were never interested in being friends for life in the first place. They wanted or needed friends, or "buddies" during that phase then they move on.

Friendships of convenience.

-

uber_shnitz

Jun 25th, 2012, 12:52 AM

Friendships of convenience.

-

And there are a surprising number of such friendships, perhaps even more so in University and early career life than anywhere else.

Lots of people are friends only when they go out or when they party, they will otherwise never interact or barely at the minimal. That's a friendship of convenience: the convenience of entertainment.

From what the OP said, he can still get 1-2 friends at a time together, just not the whole gang. It definitely sucks, but the fact that he can still see them should be good enough if the friendship is genuine and close.

Rainne

Jun 25th, 2012, 12:57 AM

And there are a surprising number of such friendships, perhaps even more so in University and early career life than anywhere else.

Lots of people are friends only when they go out or when they party, they will otherwise never interact or barely at the minimal. That's a friendship of convenience: the convenience of entertainment.

From what the OP said, he can still get 1-2 friends at a time together, just not the whole gang. It definitely sucks, but the fact that he can still see them should be good enough if the friendship is genuine and close.

^

Some people are only your friends because they need you and vice versa.

uber_shnitz

Jun 25th, 2012, 01:01 AM

^

Some people are only your friends because they need you and vice versa.

Oh definitely, they're friends only in title, but it's more like an acquaintance that you can call upon if you need something in x domain he/she is good in/at.

Jasonandme

Jun 25th, 2012, 02:09 AM

Wow. I am impressed with the numerous of quality response here. Appreciated.
Its very interesting to hear different opinions and point of views of how 'friends' are defined.

Like I said in OP. I am not a loner, I still have friends (how can I not? I have a full-time job and I see my co-workers everyday - so at the very least,
i know I have someone to talk to.) I wouldnt say I am very socialable. I wouldnt approach random strangers and talk about weather, sports with them.
However, I definitely dont mind sitting down and talk if I know them or if there is some sort of discussion etc. (meeting clients).

I am just a regular joe around the block. You get the idea.

But, close friends? Very limited. As I said, many disappeared, many moved to another country to work / travel, and just like what you guys said;
some became very successful in their career and only choose to hang out with others in the 'same status' (in fairness, this is how i feel about them).

The remaining ones that kept in contact are hard to reach sometimes - but thats definitely understandable.
Just like what you guys mentioned again; many of us have 9-5 jobs, afterwork, we may choose to meet up with our girlfriend / spend time with wife.
On weekends, usually I am so tired that I just want to sit home and relax, maybe going out with my girlfriend for a movie etc. And of course,
we RFDers spend time here and there hunting for deals, PM, Trade-INs (man.. these are all personal activities and stuff , hard to do it with friend), haha

When I am ready to go out, my friends might not be. They might have their own stuff to do. Especially when meeting up with 3+ friends,
i find that nearly impossible.

I guess thats just really how life is. Going forward, with the declining number of old friends, I am wondering how many people I can actually invite to my wedding one day :)
Maybe I am thinking a little too much. But yeah...

at1212b

Jun 25th, 2012, 02:24 AM

Normal. My dad tells me wait until you get into your 50's and 60's. You truly lose touch, alot of friends start passing away, alot have already moved away, etc.

poedua

Jun 25th, 2012, 07:30 AM

hmm you're making it seem you have zero time if you got kids and a mortgage but the fact is you should still be able to spare that few minutes a day in the week to send out emails/text/call friends? Your kids aren't your whole life even though for many parents it is.

I never claimed other wise.

Absolutely, if you want to keep in touch with your old university buddies...email, Facebook and Twitter is a great way to do it.

I'm simply saying, the reason a young couple in their 30s, with kids, with a home to maintain, perhaps both working long hours, etc. etc. can't ' party ' face to face with their old university buddies as often as they did in the past is for the reasons that are intuitively self evident..i.e they have drastically reduced free time, the allocation of that precious free time is now set aside for other priorities, they've made other friends who have more in common with them etc. etc. And as cruel as it may sound, quite frankly, in some cases..they've simply ' out grown ' some of their old buddies who are still single and or still in school etc. etc. ...in other words, they've ' moved on '. Sadly, friends simply come and go for a variety of reasons...it's a reality of life.

So, I'm not saving one shouldn't make an effort to set aside time to meet one's old university buddies - absolutely - one should.

I'm simply saying, it's achingly unrealistic for anyone expect a young couple in their 30s, with kids, with a home to maintain, perhaps both working long hours, etc. etc. to meet with old university buddies as often as both would presumably prefer. That's just simple common sense.;)

poedua

Jun 25th, 2012, 07:54 AM

Just like what you guys mentioned again; many of us have 9-5 jobs, afterwork, we may choose to meet up with our girlfriend / spend time with wife.

And sometimes...both.;)..:lol::lol:

uber_shnitz

Jun 25th, 2012, 11:21 PM

I'd say friendships evolve that's it. I don't "see" people at the same frequency or even in the same manner as I did in grade school, then high school, then university and I plan on it being different again once I hit the workforce and even different again once I have a family.

You can't expect relationships with people to stay the same as people and their lives change.

poedua

Jun 26th, 2012, 07:30 AM

XtremeModder

Jun 26th, 2012, 07:44 AM

poedua

Jun 26th, 2012, 07:54 AM

I've lost a lot of friends by choice, lots of my friends I only used to smoke weed with, I quit about 2 years ago (I still smoke the odd time with my close friends now).

Guess what those pot heads are doing now... Sitting at home in their parents house smoking all day and doing nothing but playing video games.

These are 24+ year olds and still don't work cause they have no ambitions.

The close friends I have now I've known for about 8 years, the other close friends I've known since I was 5 and will never stop talking to them.

Exactly....some of these friends never seem to ever mature and or just ' grow up...they're still ' STUCK ' in a high school / university lifestyle, mentality and set of priorities.

Sometimes, you just have to leave these ' losers ' behind..;)

boonjaca

Jun 26th, 2012, 08:50 AM

Guess what those pot heads are doing now... Sitting at home in their parents house smoking all day and doing nothing but playing video games. These are 24+ year olds and still don't work cause they have no ambitions.

I have friends in their mid-30s that do the same, working dead end jobs. I still see them occasionally and it's fun when I do but usually I have to do stuff around the house with the wife.

cliffclaven

Jun 26th, 2012, 02:24 PM

How many of you have formed friendships not inherited from school/work? I'm trying to juggle family/work and also build new friendships but it is difficult (for some of us).
I've built a few relationships from the gym - like minded people interested in sports/fitness. Start talking to people there and the next thing I know: "hey a bunch of us get together for floor hockey, you want to come play". So then I'm also playing floor hockey a couple nights a week. Some guys there go mountain biking when floor hockey stops in the summer, and I've been invited out several times, but I just have too much on my plate. I try to put extra effort into making and keeping "friendships" and even building similar interests with these people but it is a lot of work - especially in my late 30s - and especially after many years of being antisocial.
So for me, I continue to look at extra curricular activities as a source of friendship building, but due to time/family/work constraints, I have to strike a balance.
I also find that not being a drinker/partier really limits me.

Merc with a Mouth

Jun 26th, 2012, 06:00 PM

Some people keep their friends from university but many people lose them. It's not uncommon to see people in their mid 20's and beyond have most of their friends come from work or some other avenue. You will also notice that once you graduate and start working full-time, get married, have kids, take on more responsibility, find new hobbies, move to a new city, your group of friend will diminish to a few close friends. In elementary school to university we have "built in friends" and more free time. It's harder to make friends when taken out of those situations and with decreased free time it's not possible to have as many close friends.

poedua

Jun 27th, 2012, 07:42 AM

- especially in my late 30s - and especially after many years of being antisocial
.
So for me, I continue to look at extra curricular activities as a source of friendship building, but due to time/family/work constraints, I have to strike a balance.

I also find that not being a drinker/partier really limits me.

Why were you ' antisocial ' for so long. ?

XtremeModder

Jun 27th, 2012, 08:14 AM

Why were you ' antisocial ' for so long. ?

That's the way some people are.

Put me in a small group (5-10) of people, and I'll socialize. 15-20+ and im the person that doesn't talk or do much. It limited me as well, and I hate that about myself but that's just that way I (and other people) are, hard to explain.

poedua

Jun 27th, 2012, 08:20 AM

That's the way some people are.

Put me in a small group (5-10) of people, and I'll socialize. 15-20+ and im the person that doesn't talk or do much. It limited me as well, and I hate that about myself but that's just that way I (and other people) are, hard to explain.

That's why I asked. ;)

LostInTruth

Jun 27th, 2012, 01:39 PM

Yup it sucks - ironically, I still stick with my 2 god highschool friends. Good peeps.

cliffclaven

Jun 27th, 2012, 05:38 PM

Why were you ' antisocial ' for so long. ?

I'm shy. It's weird, for my job (I do in home service work) I can talk up people no problem, but when I take off the "company hat" I can still do the small talk, but it requires more effort. It's something I have to work at. Being antisocial was the easy (lazy) way out for me.

Jasonandme

Jun 28th, 2012, 02:45 AM

gamecube117

Jun 28th, 2012, 04:22 AM

I could definitley relate. In high school, typical asians, all hang out, bubble tea, hot pot, pacific mall, etc. We all did the whole ~friends forever~ thing.

After we all graduated, we still hung out as groups but sometimes one person would be busy, can't make it, etc and then gradually everyone just stopped planning.

It's funny, because this girl (who I speak to) is also realizing she's losing friends. Not trying to be rude, but she never had a lot of friends because she was so picky with her friends ("I hate her she's fake!", "She only cares about money!", etc) so she only had me and this other girl as a friend. When I talked to her the other day she's all "oh I never hated her, I just disliked her, anyways we should all hang out!". It's quite irritating to see, but in my opinion, she messed up.

gamecube117

Jun 28th, 2012, 04:24 AM

^ And also, she realized that making friends in University is hard (especially with her picky personality). It's not like high school when you can all socialize and have time to make friends. She goes to UofT so she walks into a class, class starts, listens to lecture and leaves. There's no time for socializing.

Also I'd like to add, when we did our old hangouts like the "old days", people change. No one wants to do the whole "let's go for BBT!!" anymore. Some of our friends like to go clubbing, party, when the other half are not into that scene. So people change.

XtremeModder

Jun 28th, 2012, 04:52 AM

I'm shy. It's weird, for my job (I do in home service work) I can talk up people no problem, but when I take off the "company hat" I can still do the small talk, but it requires more effort. It's something I have to work at. Being antisocial was the easy (lazy) way out for me.

Like a mirror image of me, exact same in that respect.

I'll meet anyone to sell a bearded dragon since breeding them is my small side business, any customer is welcome to come over (or ill deliver for a bit of gas $) and I'll give them advice and always leave them my secondary phone number (just for this use only) and tell them to call or email me if they ever have any questions at all.

Rainne

Jun 28th, 2012, 11:25 AM

I could definitley relate. In high school, typical asians, all hang out, bubble tea, hot pot, pacific mall, etc. We all did the whole ~friends forever~ thing.

lol

ShadowVlican

Jun 28th, 2012, 01:10 PM

"Friends" from university? What a joke... everyone's just using each other as study aids

uber_shnitz

Jun 28th, 2012, 01:42 PM

"Friends" from university? What a joke... everyone's just using each other as study aids

Or as weekend "let's get wasted" buddies :razz:

spike1128

Jun 28th, 2012, 03:25 PM

Sorry to break it to the OP, but that's how it works.

When you are in elementary, you hang and think friends forever.
When you get to middle school, you hang with your old group only to have a few guys go on a limp on a new group then you split.
When you get to hard school, the same stuff happens.
When you get to university, you make friends who can get you ahead who really cares if you are friend after, friendship is now.
When you get your job, you drop those sorry losers you met from high school/university but occasionally see middle/elementary friends. Only those who is good enough stays.
When you get married, you drop your sorry A$$ single friends and tell them to you are too busy for them. (this is the one where the first/last always loses).

I got a good friend in high school and he like those hobbies from Japan. Collect action figure / dolls / arcade games, years later after university he does the same thing. A few of us who have ambitions/matured drop his sorry A$$ because he will be single for life, while the rest of us moved on. Occasionally, I do see some FB photos and all his uni friends are just doing the same things he does. Meanwhile everyone else getting rich and/or getting married and even had kids.

Syne

Jun 28th, 2012, 03:35 PM

I got a good friend in high school and he like those hobbies from Japan. Collect action figure / dolls / arcade games, years later after university he does the same thing. A few of us who have ambitions/matured drop his sorry A$$ because he will be single for life, while the rest of us moved on. Occasionally, I do see some FB photos and all his uni friends are just doing the same things he does. Meanwhile everyone else getting rich and/or getting married and even had kids.

You nailed it. If people aren't on the same life track as you, you ditch them. You ditch them good! Everyone we hang out with must reaffirm our life choices. If we start to surround ourselves with people from other life paths, we may actually have to come to grips with the fact that there's more than one.

TL;DR - Everyone who isn't like me is a loser.

Wilmega

Jun 28th, 2012, 04:25 PM

I had 4 good friends move away for work in about a 6 month period. Felt bad for a while - but as ppl grow older it's more common to have a small group of close friends vs. a large group of friends/acquiantences when you're younger. you will value close relations more than having more friends

Hello-

Jun 29th, 2012, 06:47 AM

You can't stop people form moving away. Life changes, deal with it. Comment on their stupid facebook updates from time to time to show that you're still stalking them.

If you're so worried about splintering then set a goal to keep the group together. Plan outings, get the group together during holidays, throw a weekend bbq/potluck.

I've found that the biggest reason for splitting off from the group is because of gf's. Invite the gf's to come along as well. Bros before hoes loses it's importance when you're getting laid consistently.

Rainne

Jun 29th, 2012, 10:07 AM

Or as weekend "let's get wasted" buddies :razz:

^

sweeper

Jun 29th, 2012, 01:47 PM

Most "friends" are really just acquaintances anyways.

I drifted off from my high school friends by choice because all we did was sit at bars or someone's house and talk about other times we sat at bars or someone's house.

Tornado F2

Jun 29th, 2012, 08:31 PM

Dropping like flies, huh?

What course was that?

Sounds deadly.

CDNPatriot

Jun 29th, 2012, 08:45 PM

Very normal. Welcome to getting old. Find yourself a soul mate for stability. Friends for life is very rare.

I graduated a year ago, and I notice that I am losing friends slowly - as time goes by.

Many of us just seems to be too busy with their career; some moved to the other countries,
some just disappeared, some just dont seem to communicate anymore.

I am surprise how many of us didnt even bother calling or meet up for lunch/dinner.

We no longer have big parties like before but usually only 1-2 friends at a time
(since its hard to get everyone committing on 'that one day')

Is this normal? Or is it just me?

dealseeker2011

Jun 29th, 2012, 08:55 PM

Yes, this is normal. You and you're friends will have different goals now. All of you will be so busy. But that doesn't mean that your friendship will end. Parties might be once in a blue moon now, but you can still communicate with each other. Communication is the best tool to keep your friendship. Just be there for them always.

world25

Jul 3rd, 2012, 08:00 PM

It's normal.

High school were the good days and University was amazing. Time flies and people move forward in life. Most of my friends disappeared as well (some moved back to their home country, some moved to another province for work, some of my female friends (25-26 years old) are married to older guys, some of my guy friends are only with their girlfriend and etc).

I only have 1 good friend (knew him since grade 11) and we keep in touch a couple times a month. His personality didn't change as much. I also have another good friend (knew him since grade 12) and after a couple years...we met up somewhere and his personality changed so much that we don't share similar interests any more. Didn't keep in touch with him 3-4 years. I hang out with co-workers these days.

I wish I could go back in time.

C_C

Jul 3rd, 2012, 09:36 PM

I don't keep in touch with anyone except for the occasional email, facebook message. It's sad but I got over it - I won't force relationships to happen. There was a point in time when I felt I was always the one making the effort to make plans or keep in touch and I realized as I matured that relationships/friendships are a two way street. You can't force someone to want to stay in contact especially as you get older and live your own life and your priorities change. You can't really even take it personally after a point.

I used to feel like a major hermit, I'm cool with it now though. I get plenty of socializing at work/with my boyfriend and I've come to realize I like my alone time.

It's perfectly normal, why do you think all these meetup sites have flourished in the last 5 years? It's a way to meet new people and move on.

rageking

Jul 3rd, 2012, 09:46 PM

That's why facebook's so popular. 'get in touch' with your 'friends' (online), without having to commit to anything offline.

Syne

Jul 3rd, 2012, 10:10 PM

It's really about having options. If it's Friday night and you find yourself with no social options outside of your family then you need to figure something out.

world25

Jul 3rd, 2012, 10:42 PM

That's why facebook's so popular. 'get in touch' with your 'friends' (online), without having to commit to anything offline.

Facebook has changed significantly over these years. Privacy bumped up significantly (you can't see your friend's friends). If your friend put security to the highest level, you won't be able to locate your friend at all. Facebook isn't that great anymore. It was pretty decent from 2005-2008.

From 2003-2005, there was a huge gap that I couldn't locate my friends. Facebook wasn't available. Friends no longer use ICQ. Msn messenger was available and another site called "friendster".