How long do you have to wait before dating a friend's ex?

[Hairball]

I was inspired a bit by another question about how long you before you can date someone after a breakup. This is taking it a notch further.

What if the person you are interested your friend's ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend? Is there a rule of how long you have to wait before you can even consider dating them? Is it completely off limits? Or does it depend on how close you were to that "friend"?

Are you supposed to at least notify them or keep it being their back until a better time? It sounds like a sticky situation. But if you don't make a move they'll eventually end up seeing someone else soon enough.


I can see how this can be such an explosive topic, but I don't know what I should do. :cry:

[mbg]

Why do you have to date a friend's ex? Why not just find someone else?

[EbonyRose]

If they're a good friend, NEVER!

[Hairball]

Why do you have to date a friend's ex? Why not just find someone else?

I don't see how it is different than dating anyone else, sometimes you just click with certain people, you can't explain it.

I wouldn't be offended if someone dated my ex, even if it's a friend, it's normal to want companionship. But I was surprised that many people really do mind it, so I wanted to get some ideas.

[mbg]

I don't see how it is different than dating anyone else, sometimes you just click with certain people, you can't explain it.

I wouldn't be offended if someone dated my ex, even if it's a friend, it's normal to want companionship. But I was surprised that many people really do mind it, so I wanted to get some ideas.

I'm just saying... there are so many people out there. Why wouldn't you just avoid that situation?

If you really click that much, then it should be worth giving up your friend over.

[Drew87]

I think the answer in the majority of society is you never date a friends ex and if you do you need to be sure your friend knows and doesn't care before anything happens.

[yao416]

You don't; move on

[Hairball]

I think the answer in the majority of society is you never date a friends ex and if you do you need to be sure your friend knows and doesn't care before anything happens.

How do you find out without making it blatantly obvious if the friend minds?

Would it be like: "Hey how's _____ lately, has she found a new boyfriend yet?"

[mbg]

You don't; move on

Low content post.

[Drew87]

How do you find out without making it blatantly obvious if the friend minds?

Would it be like: "Hey how's _____ lately, has she found a new boyfriend yet?"

You have to be upfront and direct about it..It might be awkward but as people say...man up......Something like

"Hey, remember so and so, she messaged me the other day and wants to go out some time for a coffee, do you mind if I do?

then gauge his reaction and go from there....


As a lot of people said, most people just avoid the situation all together. The friend can say they don't mind but then get jealous or use you as a scapegoat as to why their relationship failed....It could strain your relationship with your friend, and then if you do break up with the girl down the road you risk losing a girl and a close friend at the same time....

[tebore]

Why wait?

Homewrecker FTW!

[Hairball]

Why wait?

Homewrecker FTW!

It's not homewrecking if they already broke up.

Unless you did things to help accelerate the process...

[desphinx]

I just wanna bang my friend's exs & sisters too

[SkimGuy]

I would say never, but I have never been in the situation before so my opinion is moot

[iEyeCaptain]

Never. Off limits. Always. No exceptions.

[thestar99]

Its part of the guy code unwritten rule. Bros before hos

If you do date her kiss the friendship good bye. Friends over girls 100%

[dragon_drift]

If it's my BFF's ex, bro code dictates 'bro b4 ho.'

Otherwise, tap first, think later.

[sandikosh]

The sooner the better. The faster you can get her in bed, the sooner you can confirm with your friend everything he gloated about her!

[biee]

Depends if my friend approves

[Hairball]

Depends if my friend approves

How do you ask?

[imp]

go ahead and date your friend's ex...there is nothing wrong with that...they broke up for a reason...they have something that they don't match up that's why they broke up...your friend shouldn't mind if he/she is a good friend to your's and think that a relationship is all about companionship

[pink_panda]

no. never.

don't do it.

[imp]

you guys should provide rationale for your answers lol

[biee]

How do you ask?

Not sure, never been in this situation.

[uber_shnitz]

Well there's various variables that'd affect the situation.

Are your friend and said ex on good/bad terms?
What are the details about the breakup?
Does your friend, the ex and you share friends? How many and how close if so?

I personally wouldn't mind a friend dating my ex, but it could potentially be a very awkward situation knowing you'd both kissed and seen the same girl/guy in bed :lol: You might also know the same [intimate] things about the person.

[Abel4Life]

Sloppy Seconds.

[Hairball]

Hmmm... so I guess most people are thinking it's a third rail kind of thing.

Anyone have a timeline suggestion? Or maybe time just doesn't heal these wounds.

[uber_shnitz]

Hmmm... so I guess most people are thinking it's a third rail kind of thing.

Anyone have a timeline suggestion? Or maybe time just doesn't heal these wounds.

Well that IS the major difference between any random girl and a friend's ex: the relationship with your friend. So obviously the impacts on the relationship wiht your friend will be the deciding factor for people. People are saying not to do it at all because of the relationship with the friend, not because of anything to do with the ex.

That being said, my timeline suggestion would be the same as with any other person (6 months plus one for every year they've been dating is my rule), just that you need to establish with the friend first.

[RolandCouch]

Two Words: Bro Code


Translation: Don't do it.

[Hairball]

Well that IS the major difference between any random girl and a friend's ex: the relationship with your friend. So obviously the impacts on the relationship wiht your friend will be the deciding factor for people. People are saying not to do it at all because of the relationship with the friend, not because of anything to do with the ex.

That being said, my timeline suggestion would be the same as with any other person (6 months plus one for every year they've been dating is my rule), just that you need to establish with the friend first.

I understand how it can be a big deal. Maybe some time will help like a few months.

I'm a bit surprised how this is a major taboo with so many people.

[uber_shnitz]

I understand how it can be a big deal. Maybe some time will help like a few months.

I'm a bit surprised how this is a major taboo with so many people.

It'd say the main reason it doesn't go well with people is because most breakups are not peaceful. Lots of breakups, especially in younger people(which I'm just assuming are those speaking, I might be wrong) aren't because people weren't compatible and decided to go their separate ways with understanding and level headedness. No, I'd say in my experience, most breakups are over big fights or cheating or some other kind of aggressive confrontational element.

So usually, that means there's big tension between both parties. Therefore, if you date your friend's ex and they have bad history, the friend might take offense because they do not get along with their ex anymore or even stand to be near them (how would you like being exposed to one of your exs who was bad to you often because a close friend was now dating him/her?). Time or not, if you don't click with someone you just don't (just like when you click with someone). It's even worse if that person is someone you've once been intimate with.

[ever1221]

according to my mathematical calculations, the answer is infinity.

[manixc]

Depends on how close the friend is. Close friend, no; acquaintance, sure.

[murdoc2k]

It'd say the main reason it doesn't go well with people is because most breakups are not peaceful. Lots of breakups, especially in younger people(which I'm just assuming are those speaking, I might be wrong) aren't because people weren't compatible and decided to go their separate ways with understanding and level headedness. No, I'd say in my experience, most breakups are over big fights or cheating or some other kind of aggressive confrontational element.

So usually, that means there's big tension between both parties. Therefore, if you date your friend's ex and they have bad history, the friend might take offense because they do not get along with their ex anymore or even stand to be near them (how would you like being exposed to one of your exs who was bad to you often because a close friend was now dating him/her?). Time or not, if you don't click with someone you just don't (just like when you click with someone). It's even worse if that person is someone you've once been intimate with.

+1

[alias_neo]

Lol I cant believe some of the immature responses here. I love how people bring up the bro code. Barney Stinson (NPH) of HIMYM actually has a published book of the bro code and he went out with Ted's ex in the show.

Make sure this girl really matters, this isn't your average girl that you can go out on a couple dates and forget about, you're putting a lot on the line. It really depends on the circumstances of how they broke up too. Like if the person you're after cheated, then that's a red flag. If it was something like a mutual agreement, then I see no problem asking the person out. Make sure both people have moved on from each other and make it clear that you're not going to choose sides if they make you choose. You have to go over with it with one of the parties first, whoever that person is really is up to you but tell both within close time frames. Finding someone whose compatible with you can be very hard and IMO, if he really is a good friend, then he'd understand that finding a companion that makes you happy means a lot to you.

[thelefteyeguy]

Lol I cant believe some of the immature responses here. I love how people bring up the bro code. Barney Stinson (NPH) of HIMYM actually has a published book of the bro code and he went out with Ted's ex in the show.

Make sure this girl really matters, this isn't your average girl that you can go out on a couple dates and forget about, you're putting a lot on the line. It really depends on the circumstances of how they broke up too. Like if the person you're after cheated, then that's a red flag. If it was something like a mutual agreement, then I see no problem asking the person out. Make sure both people have moved on from each other and make it clear that you're not going to choose sides if they make you choose. You have to go over with it with one of the parties first, whoever that person is really is up to you but tell both within close time frames. Finding someone whose compatible with you can be very hard and IMO, if he really is a good friend, then he'd understand that finding a companion that makes you happy means a lot to you.

Sitcom =/= RL

[alias_neo]

Sitcom =/= RL

bro code + generalizations != RL

[jp06]

i disagree with those who say NO. What if your friend was a loser and treated the girl like crap? Shouldn't that girl deserve someone better, such as the OP (if he is better lol)?

[sandikosh]

i disagree with those who say NO. What if your friend was a loser and treated the girl like crap? Shouldn't that girl deserve someone better, such as the OP (if he is better lol)?

The girl deserves better, but not with a friend of the ex. Losers hang out with each other!

[jp06]

The girl deserves better, but not with a friend of the ex. Losers hang out with each other!

You could be friends with someone who may be an a-hole to girls and not know about it until after the break-up. Perhaps sometimes a friend might have gone for the same girl that you wanted to go after, and things didn't work out between them, and the girl wished that she went for you instead.

[Jasonn12]

I just came up with this so it is probably the most official thing ever.

Answer each question and add up the total.

30 + Dont do it
25-30 Bad Idea
20-25 Proceed With Caution
<20 Go for it

How often do you make time to see this friend?
10 – as much as you can
6 – sometimes
2 – we try
0 – randomly

If you didn’t date him/her you would 100% still be friends in…
10 – 5+ years
6 – 1 to 3 years
2 – 1 year
0 – don’t know

What are your plans for her in the future?
10 – S E X
6 – decide as we go
2 – I really like her
0 – never met anyone like her

How did your friends relationship with this person end?
10 – very rough
8 – not ideal
1 – mutual
0 – he broke up with her

How much will it bother your friend?
8 – no longer friends
4 – never as close
2 – slightly awkward
1 – relatively similar

How good looking is this girl?
10 – well…she has a nice personality
7 – well I usually do better
4 – average of what I usually get
2 – out of my league
0 – best ever

[spookie149]

I just came up with this so it is probably the most official thing ever.

Answer each question and add up the total.

30 + Dont do it
25-30 Bad Idea
20-25 Proceed With Caution
<20 Go for it

How often do you make time to see this friend?
10 – as much as you can
6 – sometimes
2 – we try
0 – randomly

If you didn’t date him/her you would 100% still be friends in…
10 – 5+ years
6 – 1 to 3 years
2 – 1 year
0 – don’t know

What are your plans for her in the future?
10 – S E X
6 – decide as we go
2 – I really like her
0 – never met anyone like her

How did your friends relationship with this person end?
10 – very rough
8 – not ideal
1 – mutual
0 – he broke up with her

How much will it bother your friend?
8 – no longer friends
4 – never as close
2 – slightly awkward
1 – relatively similar

How good looking is this girl?
10 – well…she has a nice personality
7 – well I usually do better
4 – average of what I usually get
2 – out of my league
0 – best ever

I hear there's an opening at Seventeen magazine. You should consider applying.

[M-e-X-x]

Two Words: Bro Code


Translation: Don't do it.


Sloppy Seconds.

Summed up pretty well. As another poster mentioned, wouldn't you feel awkward that your friend had intimate relations with the ex and eventually you will have intimate relations with the ex as well?

[jp06]

Summed up pretty well. As another poster mentioned, wouldn't you feel awkward that your friend had intimate relations with the ex and eventually you will have intimate relations with the ex as well?

your logic makes no sense. So even if you don't go for a friend's ex and go for another girl who has had an ex, then you're essentially getting "sloppy seconds" anyway.

[M-e-X-x]

your logic makes no sense. So even if you don't go for a friend's ex and go for another girl who has had an ex, then you're essentially getting "sloppy seconds" anyway.

Fair enough, I suppose it's more out of sight out of mind?

[jp06]

Fair enough, I suppose it's more out of sight out of mind?

only way to avoid sloppy seconds is to go for virgins. Besides, people who think about "sloppy seconds" are immature people who are still worried about "cooties". They need to grow up.

[uber_shnitz]

your logic makes no sense. So even if you don't go for a friend's ex and go for another girl who has had an ex, then you're essentially getting "sloppy seconds" anyway.

Yes the difference is that you don't know the other guy whereas you would know your friend. I'd say there's certainly the possibility of both people being mature and not let them affect it, but I'd say it could also be awkward knowing you both were intimate with the same person and also that said person knows intimate details about both of you. The potential for things going awry is definitely there.

Like I said, it's entirely dependent on how close you are to your friend and how your friend and this "ex" broke up IMO.

[Hairball]

only way to avoid sloppy seconds is to go for virgins. Besides, people who think about "sloppy seconds" are immature people who are still worried about "cooties". They need to grow up.

Exactly, how many people are still virgins after awhile? Imagine that you worry you're getting sloppy thirds or fourths, even worse. It's a bit silly.

[tsxnation]

Lol the sloppy seconds thing is hilarious. Every girl is a sloppy second. Virgins are horrible in the sac and I have no idea why that is desirable. Most virgins are probably liars anyway because of the desire for virginity haha

With respect to dating a friends ex, you never do it. A friend of mine asked if he could bone my ex and I was fine with it. At least he asked. I didn't like it but I did like he asked me first. Really can't say no if someone asks you face to face.

[Simaahoy]

If it's a best friend, properly never or obviously a long time. If it's just a friend anywhere from a month or two or three.

[wildzero]

I think it depends on a lot of factors, too many to list here, and will vary case-to-case. You're gonna really have to play it by ear and trust your gut.

That said, a whole lot of people are saying "never", and I strongly disagree with it. The whole, "I saw him/her first" attitude is ridiculous and juvenile. These 2 people have broken up because they are incompatible, so if you believe that you are compatible with this person, should you really be avoiding the relationship because your friend and her couldn't hack it? Why should you and her suffer b/c of that?

I also assume you are genuinely interested in this person and not just trying to get some tail. Banging your friends ex's, knowing full and well you aren't interested in her is a douche move if your buddy still has feelings for her.

[peanutz]

Why wait?

Homewrecker FTW!Word.


Unless you did things to help accelerate the process...You snooze, you lose.

[JAC]

You can never date a friend's ex-gf.

You can, however, sleep with her under the following conditions:

a) If he dumped her, you can sleep with her right away.

b) If she dumped him, you can sleep with her as soon as he finds someone else.

[a-tree]

You can never date a friend's ex-gf.

You can, however, sleep with her under the following conditions:

a) If he dumped her, you can sleep with her right away.

b) If she dumped him, you can sleep with her as soon as he finds someone else.

Sleeping with a girl a friend dumped is like calling yourself a second class citizen. Picking on bones the master threw out. To each his own however.

[JAC]

Unless you date only virgins, and I rather doubt that, your analogy is specious.

[Hairball]

Since most of the talk is about a guy dating a friend's ex-gf.

But what about the girl who wants to date a friend's ex-bf? Is there really a difference? My instinct tells me that females are more likely to be offended by that.

[a-tree]

Unless you date only virgins, and I rather doubt that, your analogy is specious.

People get dumped for a reason. A reason for which the friend found the girl no longer attractive. By sleeping with the same girl, you're really saying, 'I deserve nothing but the bone. I am not the master. I deserve less'.

[Hairball]

People get dumped for a reason. A reason for which the friend found the girl no longer attractive. By sleeping with the same girl, you're really saying, 'I deserve nothing but the bone. I am not the master. I deserve less'.

But you can find the same girl attractive for different reasons. Just because she was with your friend before doesn't necessarily mean that she's lesser.

By this logic everyone should be dating and marrying virgins.

[JAC]

People get dumped for a reason. A reason for which the friend found the girl no longer attractive. By sleeping with the same girl, you're really saying, 'I deserve nothing but the bone. I am not the master. I deserve less'.

Every woman has been dumped at some point. Sounds like you need to back off the self-help tapes a bit.

[uber_shnitz]

OP you're kind of being vague with your question. I think most people who are willing to agree with the idea of dating/sleeping with a friend's ex seem to imply there are many variables included. You can't really put an general rule as to how long it takes or whether it's ok to date a friend's ex without knowing the details of the situation.

[a-tree]

But you can find the same girl attractive for different reasons. Just because she was with your friend before doesn't necessarily mean that she's lesser.

By this logic everyone should be dating and marrying virgins.

It has nothing to do with whether you find the girl attractive for your liking or not. She may be an attractive person whether she's a virgin or have been with many guys. The point is that a friend is your equal. At least that's what a true friendship would consist of. Sleeping with a girl dumped by your equal essentially puts you on a lower plane.

[a-tree]

Every woman has been dumped at some point. Sounds like you need to back off the self-help tapes a bit.

You're still confused. It's not about being with a 'lower' girl. It's about lowering yourself to someone who should be your equal.

[iEyeCaptain]

Since most of the talk is about a guy dating a friend's ex-gf.

But what about the girl who wants to date a friend's ex-bf? Is there really a difference? My instinct tells me that females are more likely to be offended by that.

I believe that is a worse offence than a dude sleeping with his brosef's ex.

[JAC]

You're still confused. It's not about being with a 'lower' girl. It's about lowering yourself to someone who should be your equal.

If you say so.

On a side note, I'd suggest you speak to someone about your self-esteem issues and misogynistic tendencies, but it's obvious your overcompensation includes vast amounts of denial.

[a-tree]

If you say so.

On a side note, I'd suggest you speak to someone about your self-esteem issues and misogynistic tendencies, but it's obvious your overcompensation includes vast amounts of denial.

I apologize if you were offended by my calling you a second class citizen. But that's no reason to be using words like self-esteem and misogynistic without really understanding what they mean.

[JAC]

I apologize if you were offended by my calling you a second class citizen. But that's no reason to be using words like self-esteem and misogynistic without really understanding what they mean.

You couldn't offend me if you tried, kid. To misquote the Bard, you have neither the wit, nor the words, nor the worth.

[a-tree]

You couldn't offend me if you tried, kid. To misquote the Bard, you have neither the wit, nor the words, nor the worth.

Now you're just being defensive. Again, my apologies.

[akuma2]

If they're a good friend, NEVER!

^^ This