"Home Spending" Contribution

[glossyy]

I just started working Full Time not too long ago and now I’m finally over with probation. My mom’s asking me to contribute to the house spending. I know it’s the norm for people in Hong Kong but I’m really not sure what’s the benchmark to pay..I mean if you give too little or whatever and if they will eventually want more…I don’t know what to do and I can’t believe she’s asking me for money!
I just started working and want to save up some money. i paid for university tuition and living by myself and now finished paying for my OSAP.

How much do you guys contribute every month if you do to the family spendings (i.e. mortgage, phone, internet, electricity,…etc)

[iEyeCaptain]

$1,250.

[steve-0101]

Ask her how much she wants?

[googoo]

If you don't pay rent.....maybe $400 a month.

[dragon_drift]

You don't even live with her, so why pay?

[glossyy]

i do..i still live at home
she wants $2000 a month....is that alot or not? its alot out of my salary after tax..

i thought this was more of a voluntary thing but its now like a compulsory thing and im really losing sleep over it..

[Shaner]

You're done school, you should be moving out anyway so you can have a life of your own. Especially if she wants $2,000 a month, that's ridiculous. You could get a nice place of your own for much less than that.

[SoBored]

2000 a month?!

I'm guessing you finished your undergrad.. that's most likely more than half of your salary after tax.

For 2000 a month you'd be better off renting a place yourself and at least enjoying your freedom.

At most, you should contribute your own personal expenses (food, cell phone, internet, tv). IMO parents shouldn't charge their kids rent if they just started working and are trying to get on their own two feet.. then again, your mom (and maybe you?) might think you plan to live with them for another 10 years or something.

[mintchoco]

I don't know why Chinese parents still 'expect' their kids to pay them. My mom would keep saying how she 'paid' my grandparents, blah blah blah.

Just be careful how much you pay now. My hubby still pays what he paid to his parents now as he did as a single childless man, and he's too chicken to renegotiate with his parents.

[Rainne]

$2000/month is damn ridiculous. You might as well move out and rent/living on your own.

$400/month sounds about right for a person w/ a 40k/year salary.

[Torontotl]

I give $1000/month to my mom(single parent) and she's still hesitant to take it everytime because she would rather I save the money for my future considering she already has money of her own; mortgage is pretty much paid off for her house. I give her money because I know how hard it was for a single mom to raise three kids and she never once asked me for a single dollar.

But if I had a mom like yours who demands "home spending" contribution and blatantly ask for $2000/month(which is pretty ridiculous if you ask me especially at your age, does she realize we are living in toronto and not boonieville; the cost of living is so much higher in the city.) I'd really let her know why asking for $2000 is absurd.

Seriously, for $2000/month; you can get yourself a nice place and still have money left over for food and transportation as well as the freedom from your parents. I feel like she is asking you to pay off their mortgage and give them alittle spending money as well which is unreasonable at your age(I am assuming you are younger than 25.)

[TheRealVinsanity]

$2000 seems to be quite a bit to me to be honest. But every family situation is different.

[wszeto28]

OP: Do you make like 5k+/month? That's the only way someone can justify asking for 2k/month.

[glossyy]

She calls it a “responsibility” and not charging…she’s taking like 70% of my salary and Im just so upset cause I never asked her for money throughout university even when I was struggling. my mom doesnt work and my dads self employed though. How much of a percentage is even right?90%? 80%? 70%? 60%? 50%?

I’ve never thought of moving out until I got married which..i don’t know when but hey now I might have to think of an alternative

[glossyy]

I don't know why Chinese parents still 'expect' their kids to pay them. My mom would keep saying how she 'paid' my grandparents, blah blah blah.

Just be careful how much you pay now. My hubby still pays what he paid to his parents now as he did as a single childless man, and he's too chicken to renegotiate with his parents.

OMG my mom said the EXACT same thing..how she pays her mom and her dad and even after my mom got married she still pays at home..ummmm

[poedua]

i do..i still live at home
she wants $2000 a month....is that alot or not? its alot out of my salary after tax..

i thought this was more of a voluntary thing but its now like a compulsory thing and im really losing sleep over it..

$2,000 ? I can see that....but if you don't like it....just leave and move out on your own.

[mbk.2k3]

I can’t believe she’s asking me for money!

She calls it a “responsibility” and not charging…she’s taking like 70% of my salary and Im just so upset cause I never asked her for money throughout university


i didn't ask for money either in uni.... so?

if you don't feel like you owe them anything for all your parents would have done up until you went off to university/college, then sure, dont contribute, but then dont live at home and cozy up to them either. however, considering that its highly likely they raised you at home, and considering that you are living with them at the moment, heck yes you should help out. and heck yes it is your responsibility to a certain extent since you are living at home.

granted, your mom is coming about this the wrong way as well. $2k is too much to ask. my parents, even after my starting a full time job, always told me to save. and they wouldnt make me give up more than 50% of my earnings barring some excruciating circumstances.

personally, i help out with a few bills, groceries, and the occasional home repair. i also give like $200 to send back home to grandparents.

if this was my brother asking me this question, i'd ask him 'how much do you value what your parents have done for you? and what do you feel are your short term/long term goals and how much do you need to save to achieve those goals'.

NO GOAL should be such that you leave yourself with NO room to contribute at home.

my advice:
- pay yourself first. i.e. save 30%+ of your income
- start picking up a few bills (i assume you are using their internet subscription/cable service) and some groceries maybe at home
- talk to mom about your saving goals
- if situation goes downhill, GTFO and get your own internet subscription/cable service

*puts on flame suit*

[DarkMasterMX]

When I still lived at home the idea was tossed around about paying 400-500 a month. We lived in a 3800sq/ft house so it was fairly decent in size which made the price pretty reasonable since there was always tons of space and freedom to have friends over and do things.

$2,000 is pretty absurd unless you're living in a mansion maybe with servants and stuff? The condo I live in now costs $1650.00 a month all in and is a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom. $1300.00 rents you a pretty nice one bedroom place and $700.00 is more than enough for food. I would strongly consider moving out if they were trying to force that kind of payment on me. As for paying to the family after you leave I duno... I've had several Asian friends who've had to deal with this but in my family its very much of a cut and dry situation if you go off on your own to live.

[SoBored]

i didn't ask for money either in uni.... so?

if you don't feel like you owe them anything for all your parents would have done up until you went off to university/college, then sure.
however, considering that its highly likely they raised you at home, and considering that you are living with them at the moment, heck yes you should help out. and heck yes it is your responsibility to a certain extent since you are living at home.

granted, your mom is coming about this the wrong way as well. $2k is too much to ask. my parents, even after my starting a full time job, always told me to save. and they wouldnt make me give up more than 50% of my earnings barring some excruciating circumstances.

personally, i help out with a few bills, groceries, and the occasional home repair. i also give like $200 to send back home to grandparents.

if this was my brother asking me this question, i'd ask him 'how much do you value what your parents have done for you? and what do you feel are your short term/long term goals and how much do you need to save to achieve those goals'.

NO GOAL should be such that you leave yourself with NO room to contribute at home.

my advice:
- pay yourself first. i.e. save 30%+ of your income
- start picking up a few bills (i assume you are using their internet subscription/cable service) and some groceries maybe at home
- talk to mom about your saving goals
- if situation goes downhill, GTFO and get your own internet subscription/cable service

*puts on flame suit*

Your parents, unless they put you up for adoption, were LEGALLY responsible to take care of you until you were 18. So they provided shelter, food, some toys, whatever, does that mean they can hold that over your head when you become an adult? that's stupid and selfish on their behalf. Especially to demand the money. They had responsibilities when they gave birth to you, just because they met those responsibilities doesn't give them the right to demand 50% of your pay

[glossyy]

I have no problem with contributing to the house of which im already doing like groceries, our joint credit card bill, taking them out to lunch and dinner every week. What she is taking about is the money on top of that $2,000 and that’s 70% of my salary there..
Im an only child and my parents are very traditional. I don’t expect to contribute nothing but that shes demanding me for money right after my probation is just so outrageous.

[mbk.2k3]

Especially to demand the money. They had responsibilities when they gave birth to you, just because they met those responsibilities doesn't give them the right to demand 50% of your pay

thats why i said


granted, your mom is coming about this the wrong way as well. $2k is too much to ask. my parents, even after my starting a full time job, always told me to save. and they wouldnt make me give up more than 50% of my earnings barring some excruciating circumstances.

but, i don't think i'll ever understand this argument about 'its parents legal responsibility to take care of you, so you dont owe them *****', but thats a separate matter.

the point i was making in my post is not that parents have the right to demand 50% of your money.
the point i was making is that you shouldnt be so upset (boohoo) that you are being asked to help out especially considering you are still living under their roof. if you are so shocked, then gtfo.
hate free-loaders.

[mbk.2k3]

I have no problem with contributing to the house of which im already doing like groceries, our joint credit card bill, taking them out to lunch and dinner every week. What she is taking about is the money on top of that $2,000 and that’s 70% of my salary there..
Im an only child and my parents are very traditional. I don’t expect to contribute nothing but that shes demanding me for money right after my probation is just so outrageous.

good on you for picking up the little things like that.

then the only thing from my post that applies is:
- what do you feel are your short term/long term goals and how much do you need to save to achieve those goals'
- talk to mom about your saving goals
- if situation goes downhill, GTFO and get your own internet subscription/cable service

[J W]

I pay $700+ a month. Some bills I take care of (house phone, house internet, cell phones, etc.)

When I first graduated it started at $500, then I slowly moved it up (of my own accord).

There's really no "set" amount, you do what's reasonable for everyone. But I have to admit, $2000 does seem like overkill...I haven't heard anyone paying that amount.

[mcewen]

I charge my son $400/month plus the cost of car insurance. These are reasonable amounts to ease him into a life where he has monthly responsibilities.

$2000 is profiteering.

move out.
Tell them you opt for Traditional Canadian Culture instead.

[poedua]

thats why i said



but, i don't think i'll ever understand this argument about 'its parents legal responsibility to take care of you, so you dont owe them *****', but thats a separate matter.

the point i was making in my post is not that parents have the right to demand 50% of your money.
the point i was making is

that you shouldnt be so upset (boohoo) that you are being asked to help out especially considering you are still living under their roof.

if you are so shocked, then gtfo. hate free-loaders.

+1

[Forhad]

$2000 in a month is too much. I contribute $500 per month.

[deltone]

Yikes, I thought it said $200 a month and I was thinking.........YOU CHEAP SOB but when I saw it was $2000 I changed my tune. OP, as others have said, you can get a REAL nice place for that sort of money. Joint credit cards and paying 70% of your salary should not be an option.

Everyone is different but I know that I could never ever demand such things from any of my children (all grown now). They all live out on their own but seriously, my hope and dreams for all of them is that they do well financially and in no way would I ever want to profit off of them. Now, if they did live at home, I would feel that $400 a month is adequate to cover for the added expenses that I would inccur (such as electricity, food etc.).

You need to sit down with your mom and have a little discussion with her about this. You are an adult and you need to start living like one. I'm all for family obligations but what your mom is planning sounds like family fleecing. GOOD LUCK

[Mars2012]

$2000 is excessive, maybe she wants you to live at home forever, since you won't be able to save up for anything else. You should definitely renegotiate the amount if you plan on staying at home. I understand family obligations and all, but some aspects of Asian culture leaves me shaking my head.

I worked for free in my family's business for years and I put myself through university. My parents weren't the type to do anything to help their children "get a leg up", they liked bragging about our accomplishments, though. Anyway, I moved out at a fairly early age because I couldn't stand living with them anymore. If you have a good relationship with your mother, then stay and offer what you can safely afford. You will know what your breaking point is, and will make those sacrifices to have your own place, if necessary.

I give mom some grocery store gc's at Christmas and when I go visit in the summer, but that's it. I feel that I've given up enough of my childhood working for them. My siblings, on the other hand, bend over backwards to see how much they can spend on her.

[UrbanPoet]

Wow thats crazy... is $2000k profit?
Or is there something behind the scenes? Sometimes families need help depending onthe financial situation... But sometimes I see parents taking money as just a 'pay back'.
While its nice and respectful to do that for your parents theres gotta be a limit too.

[Frankie3s]

i do..i still live at home
she wants $2000 a month....is that alot or not? its alot out of my salary after tax..

i thought this was more of a voluntary thing but its now like a compulsory thing and im really losing sleep over it..

Unless you're finished school and are ready to work, $2,000 is unreasonable. You can get an apartment for cheaper than that. $50 a week would be fair.

[Ducky]

Maybe your mom is just gonna save that money for you for future downpayment for your first home...

She could be afraid that you will spend your earnings on junk...

[Stock R]

OP - I understand where you're coming from and the logic behind it, I don't disagree with the practice but $2000 is too much. Especially if you aren't pulling in a significant income.

What it boils down to is you need to man up and talk to your parents. As an only male child to Chinese parents, it is hard and awkward but you need to do it. If you don't do this now, it will hurt you in the future. I can tell you 110% your future wife will not be happy. You need to tell them the following:

- I respect you for being parents and raising me and taking care of me
- I couldn't have done it without you guys
- I love you guys a lot
- I want to help contribute to our family
- But I am unable to contribute $2000
- I want to save and be successful and raise a good family like you guys did
- Based on my calculations, I can contribute $____ right now to the family
- I will do so until I get married, at which point I will need to support my own family

GL!

[glossyy]

eer..i'm a girl..an only child but a girl! im afraid speaking to them will ruin our relationship. i've had a close relationship growing up with them and they're very protective over me. if i say between 500-1000 im afraid theyll think im cheap and now im in my mid 20s..how bouth when im 30 and when i do get married and all.




OP - I understand where you're coming from and the logic behind it, I don't disagree with the practice but $2000 is too much. Especially if you aren't pulling in a significant income.

What it boils down to is you need to man up and talk to your parents. As an only male child to Chinese parents, it is hard and awkward but you need to do it. If you don't do this now, it will hurt you in the future. I can tell you 110% your future wife will not be happy. You need to tell them the following:

- I respect you for being parents and raising me and taking care of me
- I couldn't have done it without you guys
- I love you guys a lot
- I want to help contribute to our family
- But I am unable to contribute $2000
- I want to save and be successful and raise a good family like you guys did
- Based on my calculations, I can contribute $____ right now to the family
- I will do so until I get married, at which point I will need to support my own family

GL!

[Simaahoy]

move out OP

[googoo]

Looks like the old folks here(me included, even though I don't have kids......that I know of) have it right:)

$400 + car insurance(that could add another $400 a month). Try to spereate all expendtirues, you said cell phones were together, even buy you're own food. Probably won't leave much, but try to tell them you'd like to save for a house....that may also shut them up:)

B

[deltone]

OP, unless you don't want to live the life that you were born to live, you need to "grow up" and exercise your adult right to make decisions for yourself. I mean no disrespect, and I admit that I am not knowledgable about other cultures and their way of doing things but let me say this. Your parents decided to move to Canada. They had to expect (or at least they should have) that things are done differently here and that there would be outside influences on you. What your mother is asking of you is very unfair, culture or not. Any parent who does not want his or her child to grow, and become independant is selfish. Unless you have shown them that you are an irresponsible young lady, and she's in some way trying to protect you from yourself, you truly need to cut the ties before she strangles you.

She is your mother, and I will assume that she loves you so she'll get over it. Being afraid of her, and fearing that it will destroy your relationship with her is the same as her blackmailing you or extorting money from you. While I do believe that in a parent/adult child relationship that there should be respect shown to the parent, I also believe that the parent must also show respect to the child. Respect is earned, not bought. You are going to do what you are going to do but for your sake, I hope you do the right thing. That is the right thing for YOU. GOOD LUCK

[Psubs]

i do..i still live at home
she wants $2000 a month....is that alot or not? its alot out of my salary after tax..

i thought this was more of a voluntary thing but its now like a compulsory thing and im really losing sleep over it..

That's insane. I would even move out. :-0

You could BUY a bachelor condo.

Since I've started working my parents won't take rent so on their Birthday's, Christmas, Anniversary, etc, I have been giving them $1,000, buying TV's, etc.

If you're fresh out of school, $500 / month is fair. Save up and move out if they insist on more.

[epik89]

Baby girl, move out with me. I'll take your contributions and invest in our future.

[wilsonlam97]

$6000 HKD is enough.

[Xpwmata]

My father never charged me a penny while I was living with him, even refused my attempts to make monthly contributions.
I will do the same if I have kids.

My gf sends her parents money every month though. Not sure how much... not any of my business.

[Piro21]

She calls it a “responsibility” and not charging…she’s taking like 70% of my salary and Im just so upset cause I never asked her for money throughout university even when I was struggling. my mom doesnt work and my dads self employed though. How much of a percentage is even right?90%? 80%? 70%? 60%? 50%?

I’ve never thought of moving out until I got married which..i don’t know when but hey now I might have to think of an alternative

Move out. My total mandatory living costs (rent, groceries, internet, cell, metropass, gym, etc) comes up to only around $1300 a month, and I live alone. You could do much better if you decided to live with a roommate. For a parent to ask that much from you when you're just starting out means only one thing: they're looking to cripple you financially so you remain under their control. Your mother is a grown woman, she should be able to take care of herself. It's time for you to be able to take care of yourself.

[newsflash]

Do they have a gambling or drug problem? I'm sorry but I don't see how any parent can ask their child to give them $2000 a month. I'm Asian and my parents would NEVER accept that kind of cash from me. They even insist on paying when I take them out for dinner!

You either need to move out (you can get a nice apartment for $1100!) or tell them you can only afford $500 (or whatever number you're comfortable with) a month to cover room and board. Tell them you have student loan to pay back, and you want to save for your future. You're not their cushy retirement plan, FFS!

[DontAskDontTell]

Yoir mom have a coke habit? She is your mom but yaehqquite a shcok. you must be making 100k.

[iEyeCaptain]

Your parents may not be well versed in Canadian taxation.

I recommend educating them.

[7jai]

as a new grad with a new job, I suggest you first pay off all your outstanding debts first before even making contribution the the family. If your parents do love you and really care about your well-being, they would suggest the same thing too.

Once all your debts are cleared off, then I normally would start off at around $300 a month (depending on their current financial situation & age - could be a bit more if they really have no income & are very old). But I truthfully think $300 a month after graduation is pretty fair for now. Maybe over time when you make more, you can keep adding a bit more and more.

[siriuskao]

..but try to tell them you'd like to save for a house....that may also shut them up..

Unlikely, any potential husband must have a house and car, otherwise I doubt her parents will approve the relationship. Therefore saving for a house or car is completely unnecessary ;)

[AudiDude]

Tell her you're getting six girls pregnant so you can have more kids faster. That way you will squeeze her grand kids for the money to be able to pay her...

[matdwyer]

Does she pay for your car or car insurance? If so, $2000 could be close. It would be about what you'd pay on your own in a bachelor apartment.

It seems like they just want you to move out, so, do that. You'll be better off and grow up at the same time.

[vero95]

sorry to hear about your parents

[mintchoco]

eer..i'm a girl..an only child but a girl! im afraid speaking to them will ruin our relationship. i've had a close relationship growing up with them and they're very protective over me. if i say between 500-1000 im afraid theyll think im cheap and now im in my mid 20s..how bouth when im 30 and when i do get married and all.

500-1000 is probably reasonable at your stage in life. But really, maybe you should ask if any of your friends pay their parents and how much, and negotiate with your parents from there, although I am sure they will rebut with their friend's/colleague's kids pay $X and so should you, blah blah blah. It's a tough situation. My mom nagged me forever to pay her after I graduated (after having paid her back for all my university costs)...I just ignored it and eventually got married and moved out. She still nags me here and there, and we have a kid. I think she just likes to nag. But my response is to tell her I have to pay for daycare, mortgage, blah blah blah, and then eventually she shuts up and brings it up again every few months...sigh. Besdies, my parents are still working, so it's not like they depend on my payment to live. If they were retired, it'd be different for me to give them some extra spending money.

[starboy869]

I statrted to pay rent when I was 18. It was fairly cheap ($400/m) and I was still in college. However a couple years later they upped the rent ($800/m) and demanded I pay them the differnce for the last two years (another $4k)like that week.

I moved out that weekened. I'm white btw.

[deltone]

Geez, I should send all of my kids a link to this thread to show them how lucky they are.

[r1lee]

I don't know why Chinese parents still 'expect' their kids to pay them. My mom would keep saying how she 'paid' my grandparents, blah blah blah.

Just be careful how much you pay now. My hubby still pays what he paid to his parents now as he did as a single childless man, and he's too chicken to renegotiate with his parents.

??????? my parents let me live in their place for free without contributing a dime until i moved out.

[uber_shnitz]

Why can't you just move out? 2000$/month basically is more than enough to rent a really nice place so why don't you just use part of the money to get an apartment close to where you work instead that way you save on time/transportation costs and you can save up money in that way.

I don't feel it's wrong for parents to ask their kids to contribute if they're staying at home and working, but by all means you are an adult and have the right to refuse and go elsewhere.

[manixc]

$500 or 20% of your take-home income. I contribute about $600-$670 a month until I got my own place recently.
If you paid $2000 now, you will never get away from it even when you are married and with kids.

btw I am an only child too and from HK.

Just tell them that things are different in Canada. In HK, there is little to no income tax. Heck, the top income tax bracket is 17% or something ridiculous but in Canada, it starts at 19% (IIRC).

[Junigenmukyoku]

You're in you mid 20's, you're an adult now. You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your parents about money. Ask them to bring it down because it's unfair for you to pay $2000 every month. If they are the loving parents who raised you, they should understand.

[poedua]

You're in you mid 20's, you're an adult now. You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your parents about money. Ask them to bring it down because it's unfair for you to pay $2000 every month. If they are the loving parents who raised you, they should understand.

Down to what ?

i.e....what $ value do you think is ' fair ' ?

[uber_shnitz]

I have to somewhat agree with poedua :razz: Parents have the right to whatever it is they want in this regard. I didn't agree with her view that there was anything wrong with kids staying home if the parents wanted to, but the parents are entitled to whatever terms they want. Just because you want to stay home to save money doesn't mean your parents "owe it to you" to let you do this if they don't want to (or that they cannot impose their terms on the situation). Some will let you stay home for minimal fees because they want to (either from love, a rpactical pint of view or whatever), and that's fine but if they don't, I don't think you as their child "deserve" it from them in any way.

2000$/month does seem steep in the sense that it basically exceeds what you could find living on your own so either your mother has no grasp of monetary value in Canada or she's subtlely hinting you to move out.

I'd first talk to your mother to see where/how she got to her 2000$/month valuation to see if there's any particular reason behind it or if she just chose a number for fun (or has little grasp of monetary value in Canada)

[poedua]

I have to somewhat agree with poedua :razz: Parents have the right to whatever it is they want in this regard. I didn't agree with her view that there was anything wrong with kids staying home if the parents wanted to, but the parents are entitled to whatever terms they want. Just because you want to stay home to save money doesn't mean your parents "owe it to you" to let you do this if they don't want to (or that they cannot impose their terms on the situation). Some will let you stay home for minimal fees because they want to (either from love, a rpactical pint of view or whatever), and that's fine but if they don't, I don't think you as their child "deserve" it from them in any way.

2000$/month does seem steep in the sense that it basically exceeds what you could find living on your own so either your mother has no grasp of monetary value in Canada or she's subtlely hinting you to move out.

I'd first talk to your mother to see where/how she got to her 2000$/month valuation to see if there's any particular reason behind it or if she just chose a number for fun (or has little grasp of monetary value in Canada)

+1

That's it in a nutshell.....at the end of the day, it's the parents who hold ALL the cards in this sort of situation / negotiations which means it often boils down to a ' take it or leave it ' scenario for the adult kids to ponder since the kid has no leverage in negotiating.

That said, I suppose one way to may it more palatable for the ' adult ' kid it to demand $2,000 a month on the understanding that a ( mutually agreed upon ) portion of the $2,000 will reflect some form of parent-controlled ' forced savings ' on behalf of the kid that will returned to the kid the day the kid moves out.

[vero95]

show your parent this movie
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/8/87/Failure_to_Launch.jpg/220px-Failure_to_Launch.jpg

[poedua]

show your parent this movie
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/8/87/Failure_to_Launch.jpg/220px-Failure_to_Launch.jpg

They should watch this TLC reality show as well....

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DuYSQlZuiok/T42nfS5sUaI/AAAAAAAAAG0/zssRyK7fNFo/s1600/motivator45ee6428a4238801834dccc5eef9bec9798856d2. jpg

http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/tv/mamas-boys-of-the-bronx

[Raggie]

You're almost 30. You should be able to take care of yourself.

[mbg]

For $2k/mo, I would move out.

$100/week is reasonable.

[Spor 13]

I love my mom, but if she even suggested that I pay $2000/month I would laugh in her face and tell her I'm moving out then. Are you basically paying for their mortgage? What are they spending on that costs $2000/month?

That is way beyond "home spending". Talk to your parents, or you're going to become their slave.

[poedua]

For $2k/mo, I would move out.

$100/week is reasonable.

I'd put it at closer to $300 / wk.

$1,200 per month for a 1 bedroom furnished room - & board - still sounds like quite the bargain ( at least for the GTA ) IMO.

[deltone]

Here is the bottom line, OP.

Your mom has the right to ask you to pay anything she wants as it's her home. She could ask you to pay $5,000 a week if she wants as that is her right. By the same token, it's your right to decide whether she is being reasonable or not, and whether you can, or want to pay what she is asking. If you decide it's unreasonable, then you have the right to move which would be the wisest thing to do, as far as I'm concerned.

I personally would NEVER ask my kid for that sort of money.My goal, as a parent has always been to see my kids become financially secure and successful (as well as the obvious things like safe, healthy, happy, etc.) You will never get everyone on here to agree or to give you one straight answer as there is only one person who can decide what to do and that person is you.

You need to sit down and figure out what is your bottom line. How much can you comfortably pay and allow yourself some wiggle room for emergencies and of course, to allow you to save for your own place. If your mom insists on that high amount, respectfully tell her you are going to move out and find your own place. Don't be bullied as you were not put on this earth to serve anyone, including your parents. Respect is one thing but absolute obedience is quite another. GOOD LUCK

[yao416]

I contribute about $200 a month, my wage is minimal wage though

[mbg]

I'd put it at closer to $300 / wk.

$1,200 per month for a 1 bedroom furnished room - & board - still sounds like quite the bargain ( at least for the GTA ) IMO.

Right, but parents should probably want to leave room for kids to save for their own house... else what's the point?

It might be different if the parents need a bigger house or apartment just because their kids are still living with them...

[yao416]

I'd put it at closer to $300 / wk.

$1,200 per month for a 1 bedroom furnished room - & board - still sounds like quite the bargain ( at least for the GTA ) IMO.

Oh man. Id hate to have you as my father.

[mbg]

Oh man. Id hate to have you as my father.

Me too... I don't want two parents of the same gender.

[vero95]

no worries. poedua is a lady

[yao416]

Me too... I don't want two parents of the same gender.

Laughing out loud!!!!!!!!

[xxxray]

I started paying rent 25 years ago in high school. Back then it was $400 .i had two older sisters and they never paid rent. Moved out before grade 12.....everything worked out. Made me more independent .worked...went to school...got a good job

[peanutz]

She calls it a “responsibility” and not charging…she’s taking like 70% of my salary and Im just so upset cause I never asked her for money throughout university even when I was struggling. my mom doesnt work and my dads self employed though. How much of a percentage is even right?90%? 80%? 70%? 60%? 50%?

I’ve never thought of moving out until I got married which..i don’t know when but hey now I might have to think of an alternativeI echo the others who say that is ridiculous.

And add to the fact that your mom doesn't herself work... >:(

Please think of alternatives. I do agree with you that bringing it up and counter-offering $500-$1000 might be considered an insult to a mom like that. My mother considers it an insult if I disagree with her on anything, including scientific matters that are part of my education (and not hers)...

You can find cheaper living on your own. If you get a roommate, it's even more of a savings. In my experience, regarding difficult people, distance/barriers can actually make for more amicable relationships.

Reading about your situation makes me feel claustrophobic.

So... are monthly payments to parents a cultural thing for some of you's? I could understanding sending money to help support them or chipping in with household expenses (as long as the books are open and viewable to see who pays for what), or rent, but...???

I just had a thought. Do you guys still have a mortgage? If so, I might see where that payment request is coming from.

[poedua]

Right, but parents should probably want to leave room for kids to save for their own house... else what's the point?

It might be different if the parents need a bigger house or apartment just because their kids are still living with them...

So, you want your parents' help to save for a house.

OK then.....how about this.......

......to make sure the kids can maximize savings while at home and to ensure the kids will leave as soon as humanly possible while meeting their financial goals, have the kid's paycheck deposited directly into the parents' account...and then the parents would just have to give the kid a weekly allowance to make sure the kid doesn't blow money on frivolous things.......which would just be needlessly adding to the amount of time it would take them to save the amount of money they ( and the parents ) think should be accumulated.

Could you live with that sort of ' alternative ' arrangement ?

[poedua]

I started paying rent 25 years ago in high school. Back then it was $400 .i had two older sisters and they never paid rent. Moved out before grade 12.....everything worked out. Made me more independent .worked...went to school...got a good job

Well done ! :)

[dragon_drift]

Might as well move out, you make some decent money anyways and you'll learn to be independent.

[setell]

Geez, I should send all of my kids a link to this thread to show them how lucky they are.
+1

Boy do I have fantastic parents from the sounds of it! I'll give my dad a extra hug when I see him in a bit :D My parents have never asked me for a dime to this day. They have the mentality that they chose to have me and will be responsible for me for the rest of their lives and I do NOT have to pay back anything. Not that I need them financially these days but that is their mentality. My parents would outright refuse to accept any money from me so I lavish them with nice gifts like cool gadgets and trips. In return they stuff me with heavy red pockets instead when they think I 'need' money :(

OP, do you have friends with parents that are more open like mine? My mom talks to her friends and tell them to not charge their kids too. She encourages all her friends that "may" charge their kids to not do it because it'll hinder their financial independance. Let them save up and grow by offering whatever support you can. I should also add that my parents came from the boonies in China where this type of practice like OP's is very normal. At times it's easier for your mom to hear a different viewpoint from somebody of her generation have a different approach to this than for you, the child to go abouts it. It may seem like you're "attacking" her morals if you do it in a way she may perceived to be negative.

I won't scare anybody but asking for a large % of your income is the norm for some parents. I know somebody that have to pay more than OP. He is a hostage to his own money and have to ask permission for many things that I view him as a child vs an adult. I've always viewed these parents to want to exert control over their adult children in whatever means possible: cripple them financially. You have to ask yourself if you want to continue being in their control. If they love you then you'll have to slowly get them to adjust their way of thinking/viewing things.

Good luck. :)

[mysticalinfluence]

This thread is funny in previous threads relating to moving out at 25. All the Asian RFDers are like *Oh, it's are culture to stay at home and we want to help are dear beloved parents* but as soon your parents ask for X amount cash and don't let you freeload or leech anymore. You guys are *Oh, hell no! this to much the hell with the culture and parents!*.

[setell]

This thread is funny in previous threads relating to moving out at 25. All the Asian RFDers are like *Oh, it's are culture to stay at home and we want to help are dear beloved parents* but as soon your parents ask for X amount cash and don't let you freeload or leech anymore. You guys are *Oh, hell no! this to much the hell with the culture and parents!*.

I don't think it's very funny at all as OP is very distressed. She has to give 70% of her salary and on top of that she will continue to pay for other things out of the remaining 30%. To me that sounds like her parents have an issue of letting go and you either work through it or move out. No third solution if moving out is cheaper than living at home.

EDIT: I should also add that usually parents that don't listen to reason will destroy and nit pick every partner you may be with. I feel your pain OP. I truly wish you all the luck and hope you can slowly change their mentality.

[brunes]

For $2000 / month you could move out on your own.. that is what I'd do.

[Raggie]

For $2000 / month you could move out on your own.. that is what I'd do.

I think that's what her parents are hinting at...

[BestOffer]

never let them know how much you get paid, or have a raise etc, they will just ask for more and more...
maybe they will give u back the money in the end, who knows, seen many variations of these...
i pay $0

[rommelrommel]

Either:

Parents want her to never leave and are financially crippling her on purpose, or

Parents want her to leave now and are making ridiculous demands, or

Parents are out of touch with reality and have no idea how much money they are relatively asking for, or

Parents are simply trying to take advantage of her.

There is simply no way on earth that asking for 2k a month is reasonable, given the info that has been disclosed.

[wilsonlam97]

So, you want your parents' help to save for a house.

OK then.....how about this.......

......to make sure the kids can maximize savings while at home and to ensure the kids will leave as soon as humanly possible while meeting their financial goals, have the kid's paycheck deposited directly into the parents' account...and then the parents would just have to give the kid a weekly allowance to make sure the kid doesn't blow money on frivolous things.......which would just be needlessly adding to the amount of time it would take them to save the amount of money they ( and the parents ) think should be accumulated.

Could you live with that sort of ' alternative ' arrangement ?

I have a relative that does that. I think it kinda cripples a person financially unless if there's something in it for them other than the accommodations and shelter.

[Simaahoy]

It's sad that parents charge rent to their kids. No wonder they dumped them at the local nursing home twenty years later.

[mbg]

It's sad that parents charge rent to their kids. No wonder they dumped them at the local nursing home twenty years later.

Nursing home is not cheap...bivy sack, campstove, and a stolen shopping cart is much cheaper.

[Piro21]

I have a relative that does that. I think it kinda cripples a person financially unless if there's something in it for them other than the accommodations and shelter.

My parents pulled that ***** with my university money. I worked since I was 15 and gave them all of it, with the understanding that they'd keep it for me to pay my university expenses. Time came around for me to go to university, and all of a sudden I couldn't have my own hard-earned money if I was going to any school where I wouldn't be living at home. They'd decided for me that I'd be going to UTM because they were afraid of me growing up and leaving the house, and essentially stole my money when I left anyways. Anybody who suggests such an arrangement is simply looking for another way to micromanage their children's lives. Don't trust them for a second.

[sandikosh]

You people pay to live at home? My parents pay me to stay with them! I asked why. They said it is better than being in a retirement home where they would feel disowned!

[googoo]

It's sad that parents charge rent to their kids. No wonder they dumped them at the local nursing home twenty years later.

Not in some sort of school, and over the age of 18??? you pay rent...even a very nominal amount!

[damnos]

but, i don't think i'll ever understand this argument about 'its parents legal responsibility to take care of you, so you dont owe them *****', but thats a separate matter.

I can't imagine my parents ever ask me for a single cent.

Vice versa, I can't imagine being an ungrateful a hole and say I don't owe my parents anything.

Legal responsibility or not they would have done the same for me either way, and when it's time it will be my pride and joy to be able to take care of them.

[rommelrommel]

My parents pulled that ***** with my university money. I worked since I was 15 and gave them all of it, with the understanding that they'd keep it for me to pay my university expenses. Time came around for me to go to university, and all of a sudden I couldn't have my own hard-earned money if I was going to any school where I wouldn't be living at home. They'd decided for me that I'd be going to UTM because they were afraid of me growing up and leaving the house, and essentially stole my money when I left anyways. Anybody who suggests such an arrangement is simply looking for another way to micromanage their children's lives. Don't trust them for a second.

Not quite the same but several thousand of my saved money was used at one point, and was never repaid. They had helped me out a few times in my late teens and early 20's and it's probably close to a wash but they refused to give it to me for school.

My sister rather foolishly took a loan from them (essentially my mother, she runs the money) and although she met all the terms my mother felt it gave her veto power over her entire lifestyle.

I don't let it be an issue but time to time when I think about it, it does burn me. I also of course could not get much in the way of student aid because of what my parents were "expected" to contribute. I was free to live at home if I wanted to, but no money ever. And living at home meant a ridiculous commute. But hey, families are complicated as evidenced by the OP's situation.

[Chigu]

hahhahah $2,000 is absurd!!! It's simple, just do an opportunity cost analysis. How much would it cost you to rent a room in a house? I would use that as a base, then pitch in for groceries, maybe take the internet and cable bill (as you probably use the internet more than your parents anyway). $2k is ridiculous, I was paying a mortgage of $1600 for a 2300sq foot house. I guess adding in groceries, utilities, property taxes etc it probably came up to $2500 a month. You can rent a pretty decent place for yourself for $1200, and actually pay less than $2000 a month AND live on your own. The only benefit to living at home as a new grad is to save money, if you are actually going to spend more money living at home, what's the point?

Having paid for school shouldn't play a huge factor. I paid for my own school (room and board etc), and my parents never once asked me for a dime. My parents didn't have the means to pay for my education etc. Although I have never really given them any money, I have bought them a new fridge and stove combination when their fridge broke down, as well as a new television as well.

You should contribute what you feel is a fair DOLLAR VALUE not a percentage of your income.

[Chigu]

This thread is funny in previous threads relating to moving out at 25. All the Asian RFDers are like *Oh, it's are culture to stay at home and we want to help are dear beloved parents* but as soon your parents ask for X amount cash and don't let you freeload or leech anymore. You guys are *Oh, hell no! this to much the hell with the culture and parents!*.

You're comparing apples to oranges. The perceived Canadian culture, is that when the 'kid' turns 18, the parents pretty much 'kick them out' or the expectation is that they leave and start living on their own. If you actually read any of the posts in this thread, nobody was against actually contributing and paying rent. It's just there has to be a line. Would it be reasonable to ask for $10,000 per month? regardless of culture.

If you live at home the expectation is that you are doing so because it is cheaper than living out on your own (not free though). Culture only comes into play, in that it is not unusual for kids to stay at home until they get married (not freeloading!!)

[Chigu]

My parents pulled that ***** with my university money. I worked since I was 15 and gave them all of it, with the understanding that they'd keep it for me to pay my university expenses. Time came around for me to go to university, and all of a sudden I couldn't have my own hard-earned money if I was going to any school where I wouldn't be living at home. They'd decided for me that I'd be going to UTM because they were afraid of me growing up and leaving the house, and essentially stole my money when I left anyways. Anybody who suggests such an arrangement is simply looking for another way to micromanage their children's lives. Don't trust them for a second.

I agree, i've been working since I was 15. All it takes is 2 pieces of ID and 15 mins to open your own bank account (and most likely without fees), why on earth would you give your money to somebody else to 'hold on to', what do you think banks are for?

[rommelrommel]

Well, I do know of a girl (family from India) that signed over her entire cheque... but she drove a brand new g37, had unlimited credit card priviledges, etc. If it's a mutual agreement with benefits to both parties, do what you want. But no one should be guilt tripped into giving family money.

[Nyte]

How much do you guys contribute every month if you do to the family spendings (i.e. mortgage, phone, internet, electricity,…etc)

I'm probably a non-typical case, but I'm currently contributing about $1500/mo, but different situation. The amount was needs based as determined by me and I don't live with my parents.

What you should do depends, and it's hard to say since none of us really know you. If I was in your situation personally though and couldn't work out an alternate number, this is what I would do (not suggesting it would be good for you, just what I would do). I would immediately move out and not pay a cent as I don't take kindly to demands. As typical Chinese parents, they would probably rag on about how a horrible and ungrateful kid you are, etc etc, try to guilt trip you and make you feel bad. Just cut off the communications when this happens. She'll eventually come around, even more likely when you're an only child.

[Nyte]

She calls it a “responsibility” and not charging…she’s taking like 70% of my salary and Im just so upset cause I never asked her for money throughout university even when I was struggling. my mom doesnt work and my dads self employed though. How much of a percentage is even right?90%? 80%? 70%? 60%? 50%?


IMO, your only "responsibility" is to be a self sufficient adult, which means paying for your share of the expenses (ie. if your parents were just roommates, how would things be divided).


I have no problem with contributing to the house of which im already doing like groceries, our joint credit card bill, taking them out to lunch and dinner every week. What she is taking about is the money on top of that $2,000 and that’s 70% of my salary there..
Im an only child and my parents are very traditional. I don’t expect to contribute nothing but that shes demanding me for money right after my probation is just so outrageous.

The mentality is often that you're just a kid, you don't know how to manage money and it's better for them to do it for you to keep you safe. It's also a way for them to maintain control over you.




What it boils down to is you need to man up and talk to your parents. As an only male child to Chinese parents, it is hard and awkward but you need to do it. If you don't do this now, it will hurt you in the future. I can tell you 110% your future wife will not be happy. You need to tell them the following:



eer..i'm a girl..an only child but a girl! im afraid speaking to them will ruin our relationship. i've had a close relationship growing up with them and they're very protective over me. if i say between 500-1000 im afraid theyll think im cheap and now im in my mid 20s..how bouth when im 30 and when i do get married and all.

It still applies. I'm a guy, but I could never deal with a girl that couldn't stand up to her parents and just does whatever she's told.

[ntan]

I typically contribute 1K / month to my now single father, whom I do not live with. I was not asked to contribute, nor am I obligated, but I understood that it's Asian culture, and it's something I actually want to do. As my father is near retirement, I obviously want to lessen any financial burden he has, but within reason. I do pay for his property tax, which is significantly more than the usual 1000 I pay, but again, it's not something he asked me to do, but instead, something I offered and want to do. My father is probably not spending all the money I give him, and instead probably saving it. That's his choice, but I just want to provide him with an option to live life comfortably.

Yes it's Asian culture to take care of your parents, but it shouldn't be forced upon you. If your parents are demanding you pay them, what do they see you as? An ATM? I respect my father and appreciate everything he has done for me, and thus, I want to show my appreciation by sharing some of my benefits with him. Likewise, he respects me and my decisions and sees me as an adult, and one who can make his own decision.

[vaportech]

You should calculate how much your parents expense a month then divide that by 1/3 plus throw in a little bit more. Anything above that is profitting off you.

However im glad i dont have the responsibilities like you do. My parents bought me a car and house. Im currently working full time and making more than a fresh undergrad would make.

Feels good to have so much disposable income. I feel for you op.

It sucks, my dad was the least favourite of the 4 and didnt get anybsupport growing up.

Didnt get no support from his dad growing up but now he sends back 5k to my grandma and she doesn't even kn0w how to spend it. He also hired a live in caretaker that brings her around everywhere she wants to go.

[poedua]

I don't think it's very funny at all as OP is very distressed. She has to give 70% of her salary and on top of that she will continue to pay for other things out of the remaining 30%. To me that sounds like her parents have an issue of letting go and you either work through it or move out. No third solution if moving out is cheaper than living at home.

EDIT: I should also add that usually parents that don't listen to reason will destroy and nit pick every partner you may be with. I feel your pain OP. I truly wish you all the luck and hope you can slowly change their mentality.

Not really...she doesn't HAVE to pay it at all if she doesn't want to.

If she doesn't want to pay it ...she can simply move out.;)

[poedua]

I have a relative that does that. I think it kinda cripples a person financially unless if there's something in it for them other than the accommodations and shelter.

Don't see how it's ' crippling ' at all...it's simply a forced savings plan...nothing more.

The kid wants to live at home with ' mommy & daddy ' primarily in order to save money ?

Fine, then the kid can live with ' mommy & daddy ' under the parents' terms - i.e. have the kids paycheck deposited directly into the parents account and kid the parents give the kid a monthly allowance.

That way, it maximizes the amount of money the kid can save ( which will thrill the kid ) AND it minimizes the amount of time the kids has to stay at home living with ' mommy & daddy ' ( which will thrill the parents ).

It's called a ' win - win '.:D

[uber_shnitz]

It's not win-win since the parents would have access to the money in their account :razz:.

I'd say if you wanted to save while living at home, you'd agree with your parents that you'd save x amount or % of your paycheque (the remaining you could agree upon to equal the "allowance") into one of those savings accounts (which wouldn't be either party's direct personal account) where it's not easy to remove money (I know RBC has a savings account where you can't remove it online and it takes 48h to remove it in person so it's good against impulse purchases). I wouldn't be against an agreement of such. I think one of my friends has such an agreement with their parents and my parents can easily keep tabs if the savings are still there and accumulating as "scheduled".

[poedua]

It's not win-win since the parents would have access to the money in their account :razz:.

And the kid doesn't have access to the money.....that's the whole point.;)

[rommelrommel]

Don't see how it's ' crippling ' at all...it's simply a forced savings plan...nothing more.

The kid wants to live at home with ' mommy & daddy ' primarily in order to save money ?

Fine, then the kid can live with ' mommy & daddy ' under the parents' terms - i.e. have the kids paycheck deposited directly into the parents account and kid the parents give the kid a monthly allowance.

That way, it maximizes the amount of money the kid can save ( which will thrill the kid ) AND it minimizes the amount of time the kids has to stay at home living with ' mommy & daddy ' ( which will thrill the parents ).

It's called a ' win - win '.:D

Sure, it's win-win if the kid is freely consenting.

It's a pretty big assumption that parents generally want to get rid of their children... I have seen money used to keep them around more often than to push them out. While we don't talk about it much there are a lot of really bad parents out there that are selfish and try to manipulate their children to their own ends.

In this case it really seems like the parents are using guilt and shame to try and exert control on their daughter, the money is just a means to an end. And, while the simple advice of "move out" sounds great, it's obviously not that simple. They know that there is cultural pressure for an only daughter to help support them and probably to not move out and establish herself prior to marriage. They know that their daughter cares about them, as evidenced by the anguish expressed here. And, they're using this to their advantage. IMHO.

[poedua]

Sure, it's win-win if the kid is freely consenting. .

Correct...but the kid doesn't have a lot of options. In the vast majority of cases, the parents hold ALL the cards and the parents have ALL the leverage.

So, even after some negotiations, it might still be a case of the kid agreeing / consenting to the parents terms ( even if they have to ' hold their noses ' so to speak :razz: ) ........OR.......move out.

Remember, in most cases, the kid has virtually NO leverage whatsoever during negotiations.

Sort of the same ' parent / child ' dynamic equivalent you might see played out on the TV show ' Dragons' Den ' when people are making a pitch for financial support !!! :evil:.....:D

[uber_shnitz]

And the kid doesn't have access to the money.....that's the whole point.;)
There are other ways to restrict thr kids money thsn dump it in the parenst account. I personally dont think adults should mix personal assets like that. Furthermore since the money would go into the parents personal accounts theres no surefire way to track the accumulation of the savings. Itd achieve the same result to open a separate account for the kid's savings that wasnt the parents' personal account and dump the money there that way youre sure everything in there is the savings and you can track their growth easily.

[Piro21]

Correct...but the kid doesn't have a lot of options. In the vast majority of cases, the parents hold ALL the cards and the parents have ALL the leverage.

So, even after some negotiations, it might still be a case of the kid agreeing / consenting to the parents terms ( even if they have to ' hold their noses ' so to speak :razz: ) ........OR.......move out.

Remember, in most cases, the kid has virtually NO leverage whatsoever during negotiations.

Sort of the same ' parent / child ' dynamic equivalent you might see played out on the TV show ' Dragons' Den ' when people are making a pitch for financial support !!! :evil:.....:D

This just proves my point. It's clear that Poedua will never trust her children to make their own decisions or grow up, so she feels it's her right to determine how they spend their money. This kind of psychotic control freak behavior is exactly why I don't talk to my own mother anymore. No matter what her children may want to do with their money, or how insular and afraid of the outside world Poedua may be, she controls their lives or they're dead to her. Disgusting.

[Doodies]

This just proves my point. It's clear that Poedua will never trust her children to make their own decisions or grow up, so she feels it's her right to determine how they spend their money. This kind of psychotic control freak behavior is exactly why I don't talk to my own mother anymore. No matter what her children may want to do with their money, or how insular and afraid of the outside world Poedua may be, she controls their lives or they're dead to her. Disgusting.

The way she is talking I doubt she has children of her own in the first place, I wouldn't place much value in what she is saying.

[Justin]

I thought OP was trolling at first, but then I realized she was serious.:-0 I cant believe the replies in this thread. Sounds like some children are their parent's retirement plan. I can understand paying some money to help out with the bills and expenses, but its unbelievable that some parents are clearly profiting off their children. Its even more ridiculous that some people who are married, moved away from home, etc are still paying their parents money each month. Unbelievable. Grandchildren sending money to grandparents :facepalm:

[dte227]

I would hate my parents if they did this too me.. so idk about you but i would move out and cut connections ASAP (in a couple of months they will call back and everything will go well). Personally I think 1k / month is enough. Start living your own life!

[poedua]

There are other ways to restrict thr kids money thsn dump it in the parenst account. I personally dont think adults should mix personal assets like that. Furthermore since the money would go into the parents personal accounts theres no surefire way to track the accumulation of the savings.

Simple - parents set up a separate account in their name ( only ) and the kids paycheck gets deposited into it every pay period.

Then, tracking the debits and credits charged to the account would be child's play.

Problem solved - that was easy.:)

[rommelrommel]

Correct...but the kid doesn't have a lot of options. In the vast majority of cases, the parents hold ALL the cards and the parents have ALL the leverage.

So, even after some negotiations, it might still be a case of the kid agreeing / consenting to the parents terms ( even if they have to ' hold their noses ' so to speak :razz: ) ........OR.......move out.

Remember, in most cases, the kid has virtually NO leverage whatsoever during negotiations.

Sort of the same ' parent / child ' dynamic equivalent you might see played out on the TV show ' Dragons' Den ' when people are making a pitch for financial support !!! :evil:.....:D

So what exactly is your position on this, that parents using guilt and shame to extort their children is basically alright?

Any kid that has "no leverage" has "bad parents." If the parents aren't acting generally in the best interests of their child, then they deserve a "screw you, I'm outta here."

Kids always have leverage with parents that care about them. Any parent that's willing to both manipulate their children to stay at home, and also extort the majority of their income from them has some serious mental issues.

[poedua]

So what exactly is your position on this, that parents using guilt and shame to extort their children is basically alright?

Sorry...but there's no guilt, shame or extortion going on - at least on the parents' part ( ;) )


Any kid that has "no leverage" has "bad parents." If the parents aren't acting generally in the best interests of their child, then they deserve a "screw you, I'm outta here."

OK...parents own the home and parents pay all the related expenses ...under a scenario where the ADULT kid wants to live at home with ' mommy & daddy ' in order to save as much money as they can, what leverage does the ADULT kid have exactly ?


Kids always have leverage with parents that care about them. Any parent that's willing to both manipulate their children to stay at home, and also extort the majority of their income from them has some serious mental issues.

Like what ?

[uber_shnitz]

Simple - parents set up a separate account in their name ( only ) and the kids paycheck gets deposited into it every pay period.

Then, tracking the debits and credits charged to the account would be child's play.

Problem solved - that was easy.:)
That would work. I was just against putting the kid's money directly into the parents' personal accounts :razz: I've had bad experiences when I was a kid and my parents had full access to my bank account :lol:

I'm sure you could probably set up something more elaborate with the bank and the kid's employer to directly deposit a certain % of the paycheque. I think that's what my friend did. The paycheque was automatically split and the "allowance" went into her account while the rest went into the savings account. Neither the parents or my friend had to do anything or touch the funds it was automatic through the bank.

[poedua]

That would work. I was just against putting the kid's money directly into the parents' personal accounts :razz: I've had bad experiences when I was a kid and my parents had full access to my bank account :lol:

I'm sure you could probably set up something more elaborate with the bank and the kid's employer to directly deposit a certain % of the paycheque. I think that's what my friend did. The paycheque was automatically split and the "allowance" went into her account while the rest went into the savings account. Neither the parents or my friend had to do anything or touch the funds it was automatic through the bank.

Fair enough.

That's another approach that may very well work.

[rommelrommel]

Sorry...but there's no guilt, shame or extortion going on - at least on the parents' part ( ;) )

Really, in the OP's situation? I think there's likely all three.


OK...parents own the home and parents pay all the related expenses ...under a scenario where the ADULT kid wants to live at home with ' mommy & daddy ' in order to save as much money as they can, what leverage does the ADULT kid have exactly ?

Some parents actually want their children around. Some parents actually care about their kids best interests. If the parents don't really want the kid there, admittedly there is less leverage but there still is some.

Like what ?

Well, it's not right but lots of adult children leverage their presence, affection, contact with grandchildren, future support, etc against their parents, and it works exceedingly well with parents that care about their kids.

Often it works pretty well with parents that don't really care either because they are worried about negative perception from friends and family about why their kids/grandkids are never around.

[Poulet]

This is ridiculous. 2,000$ / 24,000$ net per year.

[vaportech]

Its to see where her money is spent.


Well, I do know of a girl (family from India) that signed over her entire cheque... but she drove a brand new g37, had unlimited credit card priviledges, etc. If it's a mutual agreement with benefits to both parties, do what you want. But no one should be guilt tripped into giving family money.

[rommelrommel]

Its to see where her money is spent.

Pretty much, they thought that if she didn't have cash she wouldn't be going to nightclubs or anything like that. I guess they didn't know that pretty girls get drinks for free lol

[Junigenmukyoku]

Down to what ?

i.e....what $ value do you think is ' fair ' ?

~$1000 would be fair considering how much she's making. If she wanted to live on her own, she would be paying around that much for rent anyways.

I think it might be possible that the parents are indirectly telling her to move out. lol

[spike1128]

Pretty much, they thought that if she didn't have cash she wouldn't be going to nightclubs or anything like that. I guess they didn't know that pretty girls get drinks for free lol

So what's your point? That the OP can give up her whole paycheck of 2800 a month to her parents. Meanwhile, she can get some rich guys to pay her way into free drink, free ride, and free everything? She has to give something back.

To the OP. Just give in and give it to them. Eventually they say they spend a lot raising you, so time to give back. :)

[EbonyRose]

$2000 is a ridiculous amount and to be fair, I don't agree with this whole reverse allowance thing, where you pay back your parents for raising you. It was their decision to have a child and with that comes certain responsibilities like feeding, sheltering and clothing that child. To me, asking for a child to pay back all the money you spent on them is like imposing a loan on someone without their consent. The child cannot ask to be born, so they never agreed to the expenses. I don't see how parents can feel justified in asking for money from their children. I know a lot of people argue with the whole, they raised you and now it's your turn to take care of them, when they're old and don't have money, etc. My answer to that argument is that if you cannot afford to have children AND properly plan for retirement and take care of yourself, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place. There are so many people who should not be having children and they still do anyway. You're placing an unfair burden on your children. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you should be paying for your child for the rest of his/her life, but as a parent your goal should be to raise your child to be self-sufficient and once they are, that's where your monetary responsibilities end.

Anyway, to the OP, I understand you're still living with them, so it's fair that you should be paying rent and splitting living costs, etc., but $2000 is ridiculous and for that amount, I'd get my own place. The whole point of staying at home after you graduate is to SAVE money. You're not saving anything, if you're contributing $2000 a month. I think at this point, it'd be a better life choice to live on your own and enjoy the freedom. You're 24. You need to experience what it's like living on your own before you get married. Don't let them pressure you into staying. They don't control you anymore!

[vaportech]

Pretty much, they thought that if she didn't have cash she wouldn't be going to nightclubs or anything like that. I guess they didn't know that pretty girls get drinks for free lol

yup, why do 8/10 + even bring money

[poedua]

Well, it's not right but lots of adult children leverage their presence, affection, contact with grandchildren, future support, etc against their parents, and it works exceedingly well with parents that care about their kids.

Often it works pretty well with parents that don't really care either because they are worried about negative perception from friends and family about why their kids/grandkids are never around.

Fair enough.

[deltone]

$2000 is a ridiculous amount and to be fair, I don't agree with this whole reverse allowance thing, where you pay back your parents for raising you. It was their decision to have a child and with that comes certain responsibilities like feeding, sheltering and clothing that child. To me, asking for a child to pay back all the money you spent on them is like imposing a loan on someone without their consent. The child cannot ask to be born, so they never agreed to the expenses. I don't see how parents can feel justified in asking for money from their children. I know a lot of people argue with the whole, they raised you and now it's your turn to take care of them, when they're old and don't have money, etc. My answer to that argument is that if you cannot afford to have children AND properly plan for retirement and take care of yourself, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place. There are so many people who should not be having children and they still do anyway. You're placing an unfair burden on your children. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you should be paying for your child for the rest of his/her life, but as a parent your goal should be to raise your child to be self-sufficient and once they are, that's where your monetary responsibilities end.

Anyway, to the OP, I understand you're still living with them, so it's fair that you should be paying rent and splitting living costs, etc., but $2000 is ridiculous and for that amount, I'd get my own place. The whole point of staying at home after you graduate is to SAVE money. You're not saving anything, if you're contributing $2000 a month. I think at this point, it'd be a better life choice to live on your own and enjoy the freedom. You're 24. You need to experience what it's like living on your own before you get married. Don't let them pressure you into staying. They don't control you anymore!

VERY well said!!!! I agree with all you said.

[poedua]

- as a parent your goal should be to raise your child to be self-sufficient and once they are, that's where your monetary responsibilities end.

- You're 24. You need to experience what it's like living on your own before you get married.

Completely agree.

[GateGuardian]

$2000 is a ridiculous amount and to be fair, I don't agree with this whole reverse allowance thing, where you pay back your parents for raising you. It was their decision to have a child and with that comes certain responsibilities like feeding, sheltering and clothing that child. To me, asking for a child to pay back all the money you spent on them is like imposing a loan on someone without their consent. The child cannot ask to be born, so they never agreed to the expenses. I don't see how parents can feel justified in asking for money from their children. I know a lot of people argue with the whole, they raised you and now it's your turn to take care of them, when they're old and don't have money, etc. My answer to that argument is that if you cannot afford to have children AND properly plan for retirement and take care of yourself, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place. There are so many people who should not be having children and they still do anyway. You're placing an unfair burden on your children. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you should be paying for your child for the rest of his/her life, but as a parent your goal should be to raise your child to be self-sufficient and once they are, that's where your monetary responsibilities end.

Anyway, to the OP, I understand you're still living with them, so it's fair that you should be paying rent and splitting living costs, etc., but $2000 is ridiculous and for that amount, I'd get my own place. The whole point of staying at home after you graduate is to SAVE money. You're not saving anything, if you're contributing $2000 a month. I think at this point, it'd be a better life choice to live on your own and enjoy the freedom. You're 24. You need to experience what it's like living on your own before you get married. Don't let them pressure you into staying. They don't control you anymore!

+1

[spike1128]

$2000 is a ridiculous amount and to be fair, I don't agree with this whole reverse allowance thing, where you pay back your parents for raising you. It was their decision to have a child and with that comes certain responsibilities like feeding, sheltering and clothing that child. To me, asking for a child to pay back all the money you spent on them is like imposing a loan on someone without their consent. The child cannot ask to be born, so they never agreed to the expenses. I don't see how parents can feel justified in asking for money from their children. I know a lot of people argue with the whole, they raised you and now it's your turn to take care of them, when they're old and don't have money, etc. My answer to that argument is that if you cannot afford to have children AND properly plan for retirement and take care of yourself, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place. There are so many people who should not be having children and they still do anyway. You're placing an unfair burden on your children. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you should be paying for your child for the rest of his/her life, but as a parent your goal should be to raise your child to be self-sufficient and once they are, that's where your monetary responsibilities end.

Anyway, to the OP, I understand you're still living with them, so it's fair that you should be paying rent and splitting living costs, etc., but $2000 is ridiculous and for that amount, I'd get my own place. The whole point of staying at home after you graduate is to SAVE money. You're not saving anything, if you're contributing $2000 a month. I think at this point, it'd be a better life choice to live on your own and enjoy the freedom. You're 24. You need to experience what it's like living on your own before you get married. Don't let them pressure you into staying. They don't control you anymore!

That's the western way of thinking. It won't fly with eastern culture parents. Yes, the OP can move out, but can be disowned by her parents. Move out = no more parents. This is no family value in it, we now wonder why western family culture are falling apart.

To be fair, she should be paying something, but not 2000 dollar. Her parents are evil!

[wilsonlam97]

$2000 is a ridiculous amount and to be fair, I don't agree with this whole reverse allowance thing, where you pay back your parents for raising you. It was their decision to have a child and with that comes certain responsibilities like feeding, sheltering and clothing that child. To me, asking for a child to pay back all the money you spent on them is like imposing a loan on someone without their consent. The child cannot ask to be born, so they never agreed to the expenses. I don't see how parents can feel justified in asking for money from their children. I know a lot of people argue with the whole, they raised you and now it's your turn to take care of them, when they're old and don't have money, etc. My answer to that argument is that if you cannot afford to have children AND properly plan for retirement and take care of yourself, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place. There are so many people who should not be having children and they still do anyway. You're placing an unfair burden on your children. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you should be paying for your child for the rest of his/her life, but as a parent your goal should be to raise your child to be self-sufficient and once they are, that's where your monetary responsibilities end.

Anyway, to the OP, I understand you're still living with them, so it's fair that you should be paying rent and splitting living costs, etc., but $2000 is ridiculous and for that amount, I'd get my own place. The whole point of staying at home after you graduate is to SAVE money. You're not saving anything, if you're contributing $2000 a month. I think at this point, it'd be a better life choice to live on your own and enjoy the freedom. You're 24. You need to experience what it's like living on your own before you get married. Don't let them pressure you into staying. They don't control you anymore!

Sounds good to me.

[poedua]

That's the western way of thinking. It won't fly with eastern culture parents. Yes, the OP can move out, but can be disowned by her parents. Move out = no more parents. This is no family value in it, we now wonder why western family culture are falling apart.

To be fair, she should be paying something, but not 2000 dollar. Her parents are evil!

Disowned by your ' eastern culture ' parents because you want ( or need ) to move out and possibly live on your own...I can see how that has the potential ' to complicate ' things..

For example, I guess this person couldn't easily move away from home ( i.e to another city, province, country ) to pursue for a career opportunity ( i.e for grooming, promotions etc. ) ?

Then again, I suppose the parents could simply just move with the kid if the kid has to move to pursue career opportunities on other cities, provinces, countries.

[EbonyRose]

That's the western way of thinking. It won't fly with eastern culture parents. Yes, the OP can move out, but can be disowned by her parents. Move out = no more parents. This is no family value in it, we now wonder why western family culture are falling apart.

To be fair, she should be paying something, but not 2000 dollar. Her parents are evil!

Let me start by saying that I am Asian and I wasn't born in Canada. My parents are very traditional Asian and I was raised that way, but let me ask, what COUNTRY are these people living in? Tell me something, what family value is there in having parents that are so controlling and emotionally manipulative that they would disown you for making your own decisions and living your own life? If that's what family is, I'd rather have no family. I moved out at 18 against my parents' wishes. My parents were so controlling and demanding that I could not keep up my undergraduate studies. My parents are dependant, stubborn people who refuse to learn English, although they've been in this country for almost 30 years now. While I was in my undergrad, they constantly yelled at me, whenever I did something they didn't approve of (this included going to a friend's birthday party) and they would still make me take care of all the household needs that required English. That meant taking them to doctor's appointments, paying bills, overseeing home repairs, etc. Now I would tell them that school was stressful and I had no time to be doing this anymore, but they would just yell at me for being ungrateful and call me pathetic, because I could not handle undergrad, while taking care of my house at the same time. That is why I moved out after first year.

They use to make me transfer money into their account for "safe keeping", because they were worried if I had too much money, OSAP would not allow me to borrow money. I didn't even need OSAP (I'd been working since I was 15), but for some reason they told me to borrow money anyway, because it was "free". All this money would be transferred into their bank accounts as well. Needless to say when the time to pay off the OSAP loans came, they paid it off and then hung it over me, because THEY paid off my student loans for me. Meanwhile, I had more than enough money to pay for all of my schooling. And the extra money that I had been transferring to them? It disappeared and if I ever brought it up, they would start yelling at me to the point where I would end up in tears. My parents and their controlling ways have done nothing, but hold me back my entire life. I had originally won the top scholarship at a prestigious program outside of my home town, but my parents guilted me into staying and going to a crappy program in town, because they didn't want me to waste money for accommodations and they wanted me to stay home and help them. Needlessly to say, I graduated from a crap program and have been struggling to find a job, even though I'm actively looking. I had to move home recently and they've been nothing, but nasty to me. Anytime they had unreasonable demands (like I needed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor EVERY night) and I would try to discuss it with them, they'd just yell at me and call me a free loader and told me if I didn't want to do as they said, I should find a job and move out. It stung, because it wasn't like I wasn't trying and if I had any choice I wouldn't be here right now. I've given up searching in my field and right now I'm applying to any job, so I can move out.

So tell me, where's the family value in that? If anything I should be the one disowning them, not the other way around. They use to make fun of white culture and say how those white parents didn't care about their kids and how messed up their families were, because they would keep their money separate and keep track of whose money was whose and the kids would leave home at 18. The older I get, the more I realize that isn't a bad thing. This whole family unit thing that Asians have going on is hypocrisy at its best. When there was any sacrifice required, I was always told to do what's best for the family, but when there's any gain, I get no part of it. So yes, tell me what family value there is in any of this? If you read through this thread, there's lot of Asians who get screwed over by their parents and have to keep paying them money, even though they have their own families to take care. It causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child's life. So OP, if your parents want to disown you over something simple like wanting to move out, then they're not family to begin with. Family should love and support you no matter what.

[yao416]

$2000 is a ridiculous amount and to be fair, I don't agree with this whole reverse allowance thing, where you pay back your parents for raising you. It was their decision to have a child and with that comes certain responsibilities like feeding, sheltering and clothing that child. To me, asking for a child to pay back all the money you spent on them is like imposing a loan on someone without their consent. The child cannot ask to be born, so they never agreed to the expenses. I don't see how parents can feel justified in asking for money from their children. I know a lot of people argue with the whole, they raised you and now it's your turn to take care of them, when they're old and don't have money, etc. My answer to that argument is that if you cannot afford to have children AND properly plan for retirement and take care of yourself, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place. There are so many people who should not be having children and they still do anyway. You're placing an unfair burden on your children. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you should be paying for your child for the rest of his/her life, but as a parent your goal should be to raise your child to be self-sufficient and once they are, that's where your monetary responsibilities end.

Anyway, to the OP, I understand you're still living with them, so it's fair that you should be paying rent and splitting living costs, etc., but $2000 is ridiculous and for that amount, I'd get my own place. The whole point of staying at home after you graduate is to SAVE money. You're not saving anything, if you're contributing $2000 a month. I think at this point, it'd be a better life choice to live on your own and enjoy the freedom. You're 24. You need to experience what it's like living on your own before you get married. Don't let them pressure you into staying. They don't control you anymore!


Podua will disagree wit this

Podua wants all his children to pay him back at least half million

[spike1128]

Let me start by saying that I am Asian and I wasn't born in Canada. My parents are very traditional Asian and I was raised that way, but let me ask, what COUNTRY are these people living in? Tell me something, what family value is there in having parents that are so controlling and emotionally manipulative that they would disown you for making your own decisions and living your own life? If that's what family is, I'd rather have no family. I moved out at 18 against my parents' wishes. My parents were so controlling and demanding that I could not keep up my undergraduate studies. My parents are dependant, stubborn people who refuse to learn English, although they've been in this country for almost 30 years now. While I was in my undergrad, they constantly yelled at me, whenever I did something they didn't approve of (this included going to a friend's birthday party) and they would still make me take care of all the household needs that required English. That meant taking them to doctor's appointments, paying bills, overseeing home repairs, etc. Now I would tell them that school was stressful and I had no time to be doing this anymore, but they would just yell at me for being ungrateful and call me pathetic, because I could not handle undergrad, while taking care of my house at the same time. That is why I moved out after first year.

They use to make me transfer money into their account for "safe keeping", because they were worried if I had too much money, OSAP would not allow me to borrow money. I didn't even need OSAP (I'd been working since I was 15), but for some reason they told me to borrow money anyway, because it was "free". All this money would be transferred into their bank accounts as well. Needless to say when the time to pay off the OSAP loans came, they paid it off and then hung it over me, because THEY paid off my student loans for me. Meanwhile, I had more than enough money to pay for all of my schooling. And the extra money that I had been transferring to them? It disappeared and if I ever brought it up, they would start yelling at me to the point where I would end up in tears. My parents and their controlling ways have done nothing, but hold me back my entire life. I had originally won the top scholarship at a prestigious program outside of my home town, but my parents guilted me into staying and going to a crappy program in town, because they didn't want me to waste money for accommodations and they wanted me to stay home and help them. Needlessly to say, I graduated from a crap program and have been struggling to find a job, even though I'm actively looking. I had to move home recently and they've been nothing, but nasty to me. Anytime they had unreasonable demands (like I needed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor EVERY night) and I would try to discuss it with them, they'd just yell at me and call me a free loader and told me if I didn't want to do as they said, I should find a job and move out. It stung, because it wasn't like I wasn't trying and if I had any choice I wouldn't be here right now. I've given up searching in my field and right now I'm applying to any job, so I can move out.

So tell me, where's the family value in that? If anything I should be the one disowning them, not the other way around. They use to make fun of white culture and say how those white parents didn't care about their kids and how messed up their families were, because they would keep their money separate and keep track of whose money was whose and the kids would leave home at 18. The older I get, the more I realize that isn't a bad thing. This whole family unit thing that Asians have going on is hypocrisy at its best. When there was any sacrifice required, I was always told to do what's best for the family, but when there's any gain, I get no part of it. So yes, tell me what family value there is in any of this? If you read through this thread, there's lot of Asians who get screwed over by their parents and have to keep paying them money, even though they have their own families to take care. It causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child's life. So OP, if your parents want to disown you over something simple like wanting to move out, then they're not family to begin with. Family should love and support you no matter what.

I understand what you are saying. I disowned them already :D. Moved out etc etc.

Here is what I understand, eastern culture goes either way, 1) parents spoil them rotten 2) parents take everything from you. I am #2. Western culture they are all separate, kick kids out when they are 18, then they don't move back.

Your parents are so mean. :(

[poedua]

Let me start by saying that I am Asian and I wasn't born in Canada. My parents are very traditional Asian and I was raised that way, but let me ask, what COUNTRY are these people living in? Tell me something, what family value is there in having parents that are so controlling and emotionally manipulative that they would disown you for making your own decisions and living your own life? If that's what family is, I'd rather have no family. I moved out at 18 against my parents' wishes. My parents were so controlling and demanding that I could not keep up my undergraduate studies. My parents are dependant, stubborn people who refuse to learn English, although they've been in this country for almost 30 years now. While I was in my undergrad, they constantly yelled at me, whenever I did something they didn't approve of (this included going to a friend's birthday party) and they would still make me take care of all the household needs that required English. That meant taking them to doctor's appointments, paying bills, overseeing home repairs, etc. Now I would tell them that school was stressful and I had no time to be doing this anymore, but they would just yell at me for being ungrateful and call me pathetic, because I could not handle undergrad, while taking care of my house at the same time. That is why I moved out after first year.

They use to make me transfer money into their account for "safe keeping", because they were worried if I had too much money, OSAP would not allow me to borrow money. I didn't even need OSAP (I'd been working since I was 15), but for some reason they told me to borrow money anyway, because it was "free". All this money would be transferred into their bank accounts as well. Needless to say when the time to pay off the OSAP loans came, they paid it off and then hung it over me, because THEY paid off my student loans for me. Meanwhile, I had more than enough money to pay for all of my schooling. And the extra money that I had been transferring to them? It disappeared and if I ever brought it up, they would start yelling at me to the point where I would end up in tears. My parents and their controlling ways have done nothing, but hold me back my entire life. I had originally won the top scholarship at a prestigious program outside of my home town, but my parents guilted me into staying and going to a crappy program in town, because they didn't want me to waste money for accommodations and they wanted me to stay home and help them. Needlessly to say, I graduated from a crap program and have been struggling to find a job, even though I'm actively looking. I had to move home recently and they've been nothing, but nasty to me. Anytime they had unreasonable demands (like I needed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor EVERY night) and I would try to discuss it with them, they'd just yell at me and call me a free loader and told me if I didn't want to do as they said, I should find a job and move out. It stung, because it wasn't like I wasn't trying and if I had any choice I wouldn't be here right now. I've given up searching in my field and right now I'm applying to any job, so I can move out.

So tell me, where's the family value in that? If anything I should be the one disowning them, not the other way around. They use to make fun of white culture and say how those white parents didn't care about their kids and how messed up their families were, because they would keep their money separate and keep track of whose money was whose and the kids would leave home at 18. The older I get, the more I realize that isn't a bad thing. This whole family unit thing that Asians have going on is hypocrisy at its best. When there was any sacrifice required, I was always told to do what's best for the family, but when there's any gain, I get no part of it. So yes, tell me what family value there is in any of this? If you read through this thread, there's lot of Asians who get screwed over by their parents and have to keep paying them money, even though they have their own families to take care. It causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child's life. So OP, if your parents want to disown you over something simple like wanting to move out, then they're not family to begin with. Family should love and support you no matter what.

Thanks for sharing the very personall details what was obviously a very difficult time growing up with your parents.....though it seems you've got your head in a good space now. Kudos !

The fact you felt you had to bail on a top scholarship at a prestigious program outside of your home town just to appease you parents is utterly stunning - and a glaring indictment against your parents' selfishness, pettiness and short sightedness than anything else. Top scholarships at prestigious programs are rare commodities and don't grow on trees and shouldn't ever be taken for granted - when an opportunity like that presents itself, you need to seize it. Pity your parents couldn't see that.

And as far as your parents living in Canada for over 30 years ...and they refuse to learn English....sorry, but that's just pathetic, there's no good excuse for that IMO.

[manixc]

Wow I luck out with my parents.

[poedua]

So tell me, where's the family value in that? If anything I should be the one disowning them, not the other way around. They use to make fun of white culture and say how those white parents didn't care about their kids and how messed up their families were, because they would keep their money separate and keep track of whose money was whose and the kids would leave home at 18. The older I get, the more I realize that isn't a bad thing.

This whole family unit thing that Asians have going on is hypocrisy at its best. When there was any sacrifice required, I was always told to do what's best for the family, but when there's any gain, I get no part of it. So yes, tell me what family value there is in any of this? If you read through this thread, there's lot of Asians who get screwed over by their parents and have to keep paying them money, even though they have their own families to take care. It causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child's life. So OP, if your parents want to disown you over something simple like wanting to move out, then they're not family to begin with. Family should love and support you no matter what.

Do you think this " hypocrisy " & getting " screwed over by their parents " was something more particular to you, or, did you find some of your other Asian friends / acquaintances had similar experiences with their parents as you did - i.e perhaps it was a more common occurrence than it seems ?

[EbonyRose]

I understand what you are saying. I disowned them already :D. Moved out etc etc.

Here is what I understand, eastern culture goes either way, 1) parents spoil them rotten 2) parents take everything from you. I am #2. Western culture they are all separate, kick kids out when they are 18, then they don't move back.

Your parents are so mean. :(

lol, I agree with you. It really is either of those two things when it comes to Eastern culture. And yes they are terrible, terrible people. The sad part is they don't see this and they have this narcissistic complex where they think they're amazing parents, because they provided us with the bare essentials as a child. My parents think that children are suppose to be subservient to their parents and do everything their parents ask to make their parents' lives easier. Essentially, they believe they own their kids for life.


Thanks for sharing the very personall details what was obviously a very difficult time growing up with your parents.....though it seems you've got your head in a good space now. Kudos !

The fact you felt you had to bail on a top scholarship at a prestigious program outside of your home town just to appease you parents is utterly stunning - and a glaring indictment against your parents' selfishness, pettiness and short sightedness than anything else. Top scholarships at prestigious programs are rare commodities and don't grow on trees and shouldn't ever be taken for granted - when an opportunity like that presents itself, you need to seize it. Pity your parents couldn't see that.

Honestly, I know I sound bitter and I've tried to let go of the whole schooling thing, but it hurts so much to have the people who are suppose to be looking out for your best interest treat you like crap. The fact that they can't see the error of their ways is what really frustrates me. If they could realize what they've done to me over the years and actually acknowledge their fault in it, I would forgive them in a heartbeat, but I know they will never do it. 30 years without learning English kind of attests to how stubborn they are.


Do you think this " hypocrisy " & getting " screwed over by their parents " was something more particular to you, or, did you find some of your other Asian friends / acquaintances had similar experiences with their parents as you did - i.e perhaps it was a more common occurrence than it seems ?

If I could sum up my parents' parenting in one word it would be hypocrisy. It's do what I say, not as I do. It's funny, because they have a fear that I'm going to abandon them in their old age, because that's what they think happens to Western parents when they're older. I guess part of that is what fuels their selfishness and greedy ways. The funny part is that they've kinda created their own self-fulfilling prophecy. Had they not treated me in such a manner, I would never even think of disowning them and I did continue to love them for a long time, despite their treatment of me. But as I get older, I realize that I can't forgive them for what they've done.

As to how common this happens, like Spike1128 said above, it's really one or the other, Eastern parents either spoil you rotten or they screw you over in one way or another.

[Chigu]

I'm actually pretty surprised at the comments on this thread that say that their asian parents made them stay at home rather than go to XX school. Usually asian parents (east and south) want their kids to attend the best universities, and put a premium on education over socializing.

But one thing I have learned growing up, is that if you don't act like an adult, you won't be treated as one. If you have controlling parents, you have to hold your ground without getting angry and state (not ask) what you are going to do. If/when they yell, just calmly say "I understand and respect your opinions, but I disagree. I'm an adult now and am capable of making my own decisions. I might make some wrong decisions in life, but those are my mistakes to learn from, nobody else's", and then just walk away and do what you want.

Basically you have to grow a pair (don't know what the female equivalent to that saying is). In Asian culture, if you don't demand the respect, they're not going to give it to you.

[rommelrommel]

So what's your point? That the OP can give up her whole paycheck of 2800 a month to her parents. Meanwhile, she can get some rich guys to pay her way into free drink, free ride, and free everything? She has to give something back.

To the OP. Just give in and give it to them. Eventually they say they spend a lot raising you, so time to give back. :)

That's clearly not what I was saying, it was just an example of an alternative agreement made between parents and a child.


Do you think this " hypocrisy " & getting " screwed over by their parents " was something more particular to you, or, did you find some of your other Asian friends / acquaintances had similar experiences with their parents as you did - i.e perhaps it was a more common occurrence than it seems ?

I think it's more common than non-asians most think. What stands out is the spoiled brats driving new BMW's and acting like *****s. What you don't see is all the nice, apparently intelligent young adults that essentially have their parents run their lives until they get married, and often beyond. I've seen grown men with families leave them here and move back to China/Hong Kong/Korea etc on the demand of their parents, to "take care" of them. These are wealthy people that can at least afford to hire some help, but usually they won't because they would lose face to have to hire help rather than having their kids take care of them. It's usually guilt and/or inheritance that gets the kids back... but who is that controlled and/or greedy to miss YEARS of their children growing up?

[setell]

Let me start by saying that I am Asian and I wasn't born in Canada. My parents are very traditional Asian and I was raised that way, but let me ask, what COUNTRY are these people living in? Tell me something, what family value is there in having parents that are so controlling and emotionally manipulative that they would disown you for making your own decisions and living your own life? If that's what family is, I'd rather have no family. I moved out at 18 against my parents' wishes. My parents were so controlling and demanding that I could not keep up my undergraduate studies. My parents are dependant, stubborn people who refuse to learn English, although they've been in this country for almost 30 years now. While I was in my undergrad, they constantly yelled at me, whenever I did something they didn't approve of (this included going to a friend's birthday party) and they would still make me take care of all the household needs that required English. That meant taking them to doctor's appointments, paying bills, overseeing home repairs, etc. Now I would tell them that school was stressful and I had no time to be doing this anymore, but they would just yell at me for being ungrateful and call me pathetic, because I could not handle undergrad, while taking care of my house at the same time. That is why I moved out after first year.

They use to make me transfer money into their account for "safe keeping", because they were worried if I had too much money, OSAP would not allow me to borrow money. I didn't even need OSAP (I'd been working since I was 15), but for some reason they told me to borrow money anyway, because it was "free". All this money would be transferred into their bank accounts as well. Needless to say when the time to pay off the OSAP loans came, they paid it off and then hung it over me, because THEY paid off my student loans for me. Meanwhile, I had more than enough money to pay for all of my schooling. And the extra money that I had been transferring to them? It disappeared and if I ever brought it up, they would start yelling at me to the point where I would end up in tears. My parents and their controlling ways have done nothing, but hold me back my entire life. I had originally won the top scholarship at a prestigious program outside of my home town, but my parents guilted me into staying and going to a crappy program in town, because they didn't want me to waste money for accommodations and they wanted me to stay home and help them. Needlessly to say, I graduated from a crap program and have been struggling to find a job, even though I'm actively looking. I had to move home recently and they've been nothing, but nasty to me. Anytime they had unreasonable demands (like I needed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor EVERY night) and I would try to discuss it with them, they'd just yell at me and call me a free loader and told me if I didn't want to do as they said, I should find a job and move out. It stung, because it wasn't like I wasn't trying and if I had any choice I wouldn't be here right now. I've given up searching in my field and right now I'm applying to any job, so I can move out.

So tell me, where's the family value in that? If anything I should be the one disowning them, not the other way around. They use to make fun of white culture and say how those white parents didn't care about their kids and how messed up their families were, because they would keep their money separate and keep track of whose money was whose and the kids would leave home at 18. The older I get, the more I realize that isn't a bad thing. This whole family unit thing that Asians have going on is hypocrisy at its best. When there was any sacrifice required, I was always told to do what's best for the family, but when there's any gain, I get no part of it. So yes, tell me what family value there is in any of this? If you read through this thread, there's lot of Asians who get screwed over by their parents and have to keep paying them money, even though they have their own families to take care. It causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child's life. So OP, if your parents want to disown you over something simple like wanting to move out, then they're not family to begin with. Family should love and support you no matter what.

:cry:

[EbonyRose]

I'm actually pretty surprised at the comments on this thread that say that their asian parents made them stay at home rather than go to XX school. Usually asian parents (east and south) want their kids to attend the best universities, and put a premium on education over socializing.

But one thing I have learned growing up, is that if you don't act like an adult, you won't be treated as one. If you have controlling parents, you have to hold your ground without getting angry and state (not ask) what you are going to do. If/when they yell, just calmly say "I understand and respect your opinions, but I disagree. I'm an adult now and am capable of making my own decisions. I might make some wrong decisions in life, but those are my mistakes to learn from, nobody else's", and then just walk away and do what you want.

Basically you have to grow a pair (don't know what the female equivalent to that saying is). In Asian culture, if you don't demand the respect, they're not going to give it to you.

lol, tried that many times. When Asian parents lose against you in a logical argument, they pull out the trump card. They call you disrespectful and say you're rude for talking back. That's when they threaten to disown you and say what a bad kid you are and how the Western culture has turned you "white". The irony that I found in my position with my parents is that they would make me take care of all the household responsibilities and decisions like I was an adult, yet they would treat me like a child in every respect and not let me make my own decisions about my life. You have to understand that often times, it's not as easy as standing up for yourself. Asian parents don't respect that and back off, they try extra hard to make you bend to their will by cutting off resources or the Asian perfected craft of emotional blackmail and guilt tripping. What I find often happens is the kid either bends completely to their parents and become an empty puppet, or they tough it out until they have the resources to leave and they completely cut ties with their parents. Sometimes, this causes the parents to smarten up and realize their mistakes, but that is a rare occurrence from what I've seen. Traditional Asian parents are very stubborn and they think they're always right.

[poedua]

I'm actually pretty surprised at the comments on this thread that say that their asian parents made them stay at home rather than go to XX school. Usually asian parents (east and south) want their kids to attend the best universities, and put a premium on education over socializing.

But one thing I have learned growing up, is that if you don't act like an adult, you won't be treated as one.

If you have controlling parents, you have to hold your ground without getting angry and

state (not ask) what you are going to do.

If/when they yell, just calmly say "I understand and respect your opinions, but I disagree.

I'm an adult now and am capable of making my own decisions. I might make some wrong decisions in life, but those are my mistakes to learn from, nobody else's",

and then just walk away and do what you want.

Basically you have to grow a pair

(don't know what the female equivalent to that saying is). In Asian culture, if you don't demand the respect, they're not going to give it to you.

Great - and very insightful - post !

Couldn't agree more !!

[poedua]

It's funny, because they have a fear that I'm going to abandon them in their old age, because that's what they think happens to Western parents when they're older. I guess part of that is what fuels their selfishness and greedy ways. .

Sadly, this is one those negative stereotypical myths that just won't go away...but as you alluded to, perhaps propagating such myths works to some Asian parents' advantage when trying to influence their own kids' behaviors.

[peanutz]

lol, tried that many times. When Asian parents lose against you in a logical argument, they pull out the trump card. They call you disrespectful and say you're rude for talking back. That's when they threaten to disown you and say what a bad kid you are and how the Western culture has turned you "white". The irony that I found in my position with my parents is that they would make me take care of all the household responsibilities and decisions like I was an adult, yet they would treat me like a child in every respect and not let me make my own decisions about my life. You have to understand that often times, it's not as easy as standing up for yourself. Asian parents don't respect that and back off, they try extra hard to make you bend to their will by cutting off resources or the Asian perfected craft of emotional blackmail and guilt tripping. What I find often happens is the kid either bends completely to their parents and become an empty puppet, or they tough it out until they have the resources to leave and they completely cut ties with their parents. Sometimes, this causes the parents to smarten up and realize their mistakes, but that is a rare occurrence from what I've seen. Traditional Asian parents are very stubborn and they think they're always right.
This is my mother to a tee.

But what makes it worse is that I get nearly 100% of the psychotic control freak end of it. My younger brother mostly gets a free pass. Except for the occasional "son, you're dumb, you got your dad's brains."

Probably my mom thinks only I'd be successful so she should control me. My brother's pre-determined failure frees him from any responsibility and pressure.

(By the way, I find it extremely insulting and disrespectful to my father that she presumes my "brains" only come from her. Obviously I had to sit there and listen to her insult my brother--but thankfully even my dad had to tell her not to talk to my brother that way, and he is usually extremely passive.)

[EbonyRose]

This is my mother to a tee.

But what makes it worse is that I get nearly 100% of the psychotic control freak end of it. My younger brother mostly gets a free pass. Except for the occasional "son, you're dumb, you got your dad's brains."

Probably my mom thinks only I'd be successful so she should control me. My brother's pre-determined failure frees him from any responsibility and pressure.

(By the way, I find it extremely insulting and disrespectful to my father that she presumes my "brains" only come from her. Obviously I had to sit there and listen to her insult my brother--but thankfully even my dad had to tell her not to talk to my brother that way, and he is usually extremely passive.)

lol, do we have the same family? I have a younger brother as well and my mom treats him the same way your mother treats your's. He's gets a free pass on everything. Drives me nuts!

[spike1128]

lol, do we have the same family? I have a younger brother as well and my mom treats him the same way your mother treats your's. He's gets a free pass on everything. Drives me nuts!

No, the boys get a free pass because they are boys. Once the girl move out and marrys, they are no longer part of the family tree sorta. Just wait till your parents leave all their assets to you brother after you are the one who is contributing the most. That will make you girls blood boil. :)

You were absolute right on your last post. All the responsibility, but get treated like a child at the same time.

[sleepyguy]

$2000/mth, lol... you can go rent a condo for less than that with parking, lol. My parents never asked but I gave them about $300-500/mth, help with groceries, gas, food, etc. Not a big deal imho, was living pretty carefree anyway at that time.

[Xiaohaibao]

Why did you even tell your parents how much money you make? You should of lied, tell them you make only $1500.

You say you only have to put up with this till you get married and move out, but what if you never get married?

[Xiaohaibao]

If she doesn't want to pay it ...she can simply move out.;)
The impression I get of the OP is she wouldn't know how to move out... it sounds like her parents did everything for her and she would have no idea how to find an apartment or buy a house or do anything at all on her own. She is just a big child. She is waiting for some guy to come along to marry her and then the responsibility of taking care of her will move from the parents to him. But, judging from what we know of her parents, they will probably expect this guy to also give them money, so I really feel bad for that guy.

[Simaahoy]

Wow, Asian parents are.............complicating ouch

[setell]

Wow, Asian parents are.............complicating ouch

Not all are like that. Mine isn't.

[Xiaohaibao]

My parents bought me a car and house.
What a spoiled kid... My parents never gave me any money, never bought me anything. And now I have over 100k in the bank and I'm only in my 20s.

[deltone]

That's the western way of thinking. It won't fly with eastern culture parents. Yes, the OP can move out, but can be disowned by her parents. Move out = no more parents. This is no family value in it, we now wonder why western family culture are falling apart.

To be fair, she should be paying something, but not 2000 dollar. Her parents are evil!

Ummm, last time I looked this is Canada and is western. I truly wonder why so many people stay here if they can't stand the western values and I wonder why so many people left their home country if it is so good there. Serously, it is a valid question.




Let me start by saying that I am Asian and I wasn't born in Canada. /snnipeir parents' lives easier. Essentially, they believe they own their kids for life.



Honestly, I know I sound bitter and I've tried to let go of the whole schooling thing, but it hurts so much to have the people who are suppose to be looking out for your best interest treat you like crap. The fact that they can't see the error of their ways is what really frustrates me. If they could realize what they've done to me over the years and actually acknowledge their fault in it, I would forgive them in a heartbeat, but I know they will never do it. 30 years without learning English kind of attests to how stubborn tht is that they've kinda created their own self-fulfilling prophecy. Had they not treated me in such a manner, I would never even think of disowning them and I did continue to love them for a long time, despite their treatment of me. But as I get older, I realize that I can't forgive them for what they've done.

As to how common this happens, like Spike1128 said above, it's really one or the other, Eastern parents either spoil you rotten or they screw you over in one way or another.

Ebony, reading your life story breaks my heart. I am so very sorry to hear you have gone through all of this. I certainly know my share of people who have had a rough childhood (and adulthood) and it in no way is lilmited to eastern, or western, or whatever. What you have gone through, and continue to go through is just flat out wrong, regardless of what culture.

I'm not sure where so many people seem to have this idea that it's a western thing to kick your kid to the curb when they turn 18. I know mainly western world people and frankly I rarely see any of my friends or family who have taken that stance. Most of them have their kids still living at home way past the age of 18. My kids were out of the house at around 18 but only because they all went off to university and we don't live in Toronto and when they all finished school, they didn't want to move back to our rural area. If we lived in the GTA, I have no doubt that each of them would have returned home until they were ready to be on their own. We would never ever have kicked them out at 18 and we would never charge them a huge amount of money to continue living with us. Our goal would have been to do whatever we could to help them save up a downpayment. I'm of the belief that while I won't be a doormat to my kids, I don't expect them to be my doormat either.

Oh, and as far as western people not taking care of their parents. Again, that's total BS. Most of the people I know have helped out their parents in their old age. My (late) dad lived with us until he got too sick to and my mom is moving in with us next month. Many of my friends have had their folks live with them. The stereotypes so many immigrnats have of the "western world" is a joke.

Oh, and again, Ebony, I'm so sorry for what you have been through but you seem to have a good handle on it and recognize it all for what it is. YOU GO GIRL!!!

[deltone]

Not all are like that. Mine isn't.

I'm glad to hear that setell. You are a young lady with a good head on your shoulders. All of your posts reflect that.

[setell]

I'm glad to hear that setell. You are a young lady with a good head on your shoulders. All of your posts reflect that.

Thanks deltone.

I never really knew how "modern" my parents are till reading some of the response in this thread. Shocks me how I have it VERY good. It also shocks me how my uber traditional grandmother won't charge me too but give me money if she was still alive! When I say my grandmother is traditional in the sense that she expects all of her grand-daughters to be "ladylike". :cheesygri Very old school lady! I am starting to wonder if we're just a oddball in the culture and not the norm. LOL

[deltone]

Thanks deltone.

I never really knew how "modern" my parents are till reading some of the response in this thread. Shocks me how I have it VERY good. It also shocks me how my uber traditional grandmother won't charge me too but give me money if she was still alive! When I say my grandmother is traditional in the sense that she expects all of her grand-daughters to be "ladylike". :cheesygri Very old school lady! I am starting to wonder if we're just a oddball in the culture and not the norm. LOL

I think your grandma is very sweet and nothing wrong with wanting your granddaughters and daughters to be ladylike. I just cannot fathom expecting my kids to give me money. When I get older, my plan is to give each of my kids a lump sum of money. I want to see them enjoy spending the money rather than having to wait for me to die. I won't be doing it yet and will wait until I get older and I know I have enough to live on.

My in-laws are very wealthy but they live like they are poor (almost). It's rather sad really as they say they are saving all of this money for their kids. None of their kids need any of their money and would rather they live a nicer life but they won't. A lot of it is cultural though because they live a very simple life, like the way they lived in Europe.

[mysticalinfluence]

This is no family value in it, we now wonder why western family culture are falling apart.

Please do provide reference to your statement? Are family culture is falling apart because we allow are child to gain indepenance? We don't rule or threaten to disown,fatally harm them when they strike out on there own to expenience life. What a load bias crap your statment is.

[Yu_Qing]

my parents don't ask for anything unless there are some excruciating circumstances (ie. sudden damage to our home and they need money to pay it off for example).

but i used to give my parents 1K a month. now i give them a couple hundred dollars here and there- but they rather me save it for my new home and wedding. instead of making it a transaction (i pay you X dollars every month), i think it's more meaningful to pay for their groceries when i go shopping with them, treat them to dinners, and sometimes pay for vacation expenses.


in your case OP...if your mom asks for 2K, then...its up to you if you want to meet her requests or not. no one can help you here. and if you do move out on your own, who's to say she won't still ask for that money? also remember- if you do move out, she may realize that you're doing it to avoid giving her the 2k a month. so then you might have to put up with a little extra drama like "oh you don't care about me..." "you moved out when i gave you so much blah blah blah".

some see-lais are like that.

[setell]

I think your grandma is very sweet and nothing wrong with wanting your granddaughters and daughters to be ladylike. I just cannot fathom expecting my kids to give me money. When I get older, my plan is to give each of my kids a lump sum of money. I want to see them enjoy spending the money rather than having to wait for me to die. I won't be doing it yet and will wait until I get older and I know I have enough to live on.

My in-laws are very wealthy but they live like they are poor (almost). It's rather sad really as they say they are saving all of this money for their kids. None of their kids need any of their money and would rather they live a nicer life but they won't. A lot of it is cultural though because they live a very simple life, like the way they lived in Europe.

You would be such a awesome grandma :razz: :D

As to my grandma, she is very demanding at times when she wants you to be 'ladylike'. I sit a certain way now because I've been "trained" to do so and can't undo it since it's subconscious now.:cheesygri


my parents don't ask for anything unless there are some excruciating circumstances (ie. sudden damage to our home and they need money to pay it off for example).

but i used to give my parents 1K a month. now i give them a couple hundred dollars here and there- but they rather me save it for my new home and wedding. instead of making it a transaction (i pay you X dollars every month), i think it's more meaningful to pay for their groceries when i go shopping with them, treat them to dinners, and sometimes pay for vacation expenses.


in your case OP...if your mom asks for 2K, then...its up to you if you want to meet her requests or not. no one can help you here. and if you do move out on your own, who's to say she won't still ask for that money? also remember- if you do move out, she may realize that you're doing it to avoid giving her the 2k a month. so then you might have to put up with a little extra drama like "oh you don't care about me..." "you moved out when i gave you so much blah blah blah".

some see-lais are like that.

+1 OP's parents are beyond being reasonable and probably worse than "see lai's".

[deltone]

You would be such a awesome grandma :razz: :D

As to my grandma, she is very demanding at times when she wants you to be 'ladylike'. I sit a certain way now because I've been "trained" to do so and can't undo it since it's subconscious now.:cheesygri


.

Awe, thanks!! I do try. I have one of them staying here fore the week to give his parents a bit of a break. I'll spoil the heck out of him. LOL

I want my granddaughters to be ladylike when they get older and I will correct them as I see fit. I think most parents and grandparents hope for this. Oh, and by ladylike, I mean it in the same manner as I want my grandsons (and sons) to be gentlemen.............in other words, with good manners and not acting in a disgraceful manner.

[setell]

Awe, thanks!! I do try. I have one of them staying here fore the week to give his parents a bit of a break. I'll spoil the heck out of him. LOL

I want my granddaughters to be ladylike when they get older and I will correct them as I see fit. I think most parents and grandparents hope for this. Oh, and by ladylike, I mean it in the same manner as I want my grandsons (and sons) to be gentlemen.............in other words, with good manners and not acting in a disgraceful manner.

Yup! That's my grandma :D She grew up old school so manners is very important to her. I remember as a 5/6 year old kid asking myself why I couldn't sit a certain way or eat a certain way. LOL Yes, I had to eat politely too since it's not ladylike to make a mess or be loud with your chopsticks. Forget about slurping! LOL Sadly my grandmother was sexist so her granddaughters had to be better mannered vs the males since she was afraid we'll be "returned", aka divorced, back in the day for bad manners. LOL I wish I mastered her needlework since it's a lost art now. She was from the generation that can do embroidery.

Spoil your grandkids rotten! A week at grandma's is a major vacation! :cheesygri:cheesygri

[Nyte]

That's the western way of thinking. It won't fly with eastern culture parents. Yes, the OP can move out, but can be disowned by her parents. Move out = no more parents. This is no family value in it, we now wonder why western family culture are falling apart.

So be it?

[Nyte]

lol, tried that many times. When Asian parents lose against you in a logical argument, they pull out the trump card. They call you disrespectful and say you're rude for talking back. That's when they threaten to disown you and say what a bad kid you are and how the Western culture has turned you "white".


It's only a trump card if you let it be. If you want to make it an argument, it's easy enough to counter whatever they throw at you. It all still comes back to being able to stand your ground and look out for yourself. They can threaten all they want, just call their bluff. If they actually do it, you'd probably be better off anyways.



The irony that I found in my position with my parents is that they would make me take care of all the household responsibilities and decisions like I was an adult, yet they would treat me like a child in every respect and not let me make my own decisions about my life. You have to understand that often times, it's not as easy as standing up for yourself. Asian parents don't respect that and back off, they try extra hard to make you bend to their will by cutting off resources or the Asian perfected craft of emotional blackmail and guilt tripping. What I find often happens is the kid either bends completely to their parents and become an empty puppet, or they tough it out until they have the resources to leave and they completely cut ties with their parents. Sometimes, this causes the parents to smarten up and realize their mistakes, but that is a rare occurrence from what I've seen. Traditional Asian parents are very stubborn and they think they're always right.

That only works while you're still a kid.

[vaportech]

What a spoiled kid... My parents never gave me any money, never bought me anything. And now I have over 100k in the bank and I'm only in my 20s.

Only a 100k? Soft, get outta here with that weak ***** .

[poedua]

Oh, and as far as western people not taking care of their parents. Again, that's total BS. Most of the people I know have helped out their parents in their old age. My (late) dad lived with us until he got too sick to and my mom is moving in with us next month. Many of my friends have had their folks live with them. The stereotypes so many immigrnats have of the "western world" is a joke.

+1

This stereotypical example of rampant ' anti-Western ' propaganda is really getting old and boring.

I'd also add that there a great number of so-called other wise healthy ' Western ' seniors quite happily living independently on their own who don't want their ADULT kids living with them.

[Kinki]

maybe your mom has an ulterior motive?

my sister is spender, not a saver.

so my mom makes her give a portion of her wage to "help" the family out. but in reality mom is just putting it away and will eventually give it all back to her.

[Hairball]

Not all are like that. Mine isn't.

Unfortunately, crazy parents are more common than not with Asian families.

[rems]

+1

This stereotypical example of rampant ' anti-Western ' propaganda is really getting old and boring.

I'd also add that there a great number of so-called other wise healthy ' Western ' seniors quite happily living independently on their own who don't want their ADULT kids living with them.

Couldn't the same be said of children living with their parents?

You kept stereotyping ALL children who live at home as some sort of worthless leech.

We've had this discussion before. Let the families work it out themselves since one way or the other isn't better.

[poedua]

Couldn't the same be said of children living with their parents?

You kept stereotyping ALL children who live at home as some sort of worthless leech.

We've had this discussion before. Let the families work it out themselves since one way or the other isn't better.

No I don't...not ALL.

That term is usually best suited and reserved for the ' worst of the worst ' among those adult kids living with ' mommy & daddy ' for 5 - 15+++ years who don't pay any room & board, and instead of saving every last dime they make, spend their money directly or indirectly 100% on themselves, and usually in the process, spend more money than needed on themselves for unnecessary, needless, gratuitous self-indulgent expenditures.

A ' worthless leech ' is an adult kid who takes flagrant, selfish & blatantly unfavourable advantage of - abuse - their parent's generosity....at least IMHO.

And this profile as an adult kid as a ' worthless leech ' crosses ALL cultural boundaries IMO - i.e east AND west.

[poedua]

Unfortunately, crazy parents are more common than not with Asian families.

So it appears.

[rems]

No I don't...not ALL.

That term is usually best suited and reserved for the ' worst of the worst ' among those adult kids living with ' mommy & daddy ' for 5 - 15+++ years who don't pay any room & board, and instead of saving every last dime they make, spend 100% of their money on themselves, and usually in the process, spend more money than needed on themselves for unnecessary, needless, gratuitous self-indulgent expenditures.

A ' worthless leech ' is an adult kid who takes flagrant, selfish & blatantly unfavourable advantage of - abuse - their parent's generosity....at least IMHO.

And this profile as an adult kid as a ' worthless leech ' crosses ALL cultural boundaries IMO - i.e east AND west.

Not all but you're saying this is the norm when people here keep telling you it's not. But your response when someone mentions that a child is living at home is that they're this type of child. You ignore the cultural difference of why someone might live with their parents and just assume it's to leech. That's just as bad a generalization as saying those that move out hate their parents.

[poedua]

Not all but you're saying this is the norm when people here keep telling you it's not.

No ....I'm not.


But your response when someone mentions that a child is living at home is that they're this type of child.

No...it isn't.


You ignore the cultural difference of why someone might live with their parents and just assume it's to leech. That's just as bad a generalization as saying those that move out hate their parents.

Doesn't matter...as I said before, a ' worthless leech ' is an adult kid who takes flagrant, selfish & blatantly unfavourable advantage of their parent's generosity and the profile as an adult kid as a ' worthless leech ' crosses ALL cultural boundaries IMO - i.e east AND west.

Anyway, back on topic ....do you think $2,000 is a reasonable amount to pay that these Asian parents of the OP are asking for ?

And if not, what do you think would be a ' reasonable ' amount ?

[UrbanPoet]

Damn. This thread makes me want to hug my mom.
My dad... I'll stick with hand shake.

[rems]

No ....I'm not.



No...it isn't.



Doesn't matter...as I said before, a ' worthless leech ' is an adult kid who takes flagrant, selfish & blatantly unfavourable advantage of their parent's generosity and the profile as an adult kid as a ' worthless leech ' crosses ALL cultural boundaries IMO - i.e east AND west.

Anyway, back on topic ....do you think $2,000 is a reasonable amount to pay that these Asian parents of the OP are asking for ?

And if not, what do you think would be a ' reasonable ' amount ?

I guess all those pages from that other thread was you just agreeing with everyone :rolleyes:
I don't know how many times in that thread I wrote that living at home doesn't automatically mean that they're a leech yet you kept arguing that if you have a job means you should move out. Because if you don't you're just leeching off your parents. You kept saying how there's this magical knowledge/experience you gain by moving out which makes you into a real adult.

Back on topic, it depends on the situation. Personally, if I was in this situation, I would have a discussion with my parents about it to determine what's reasonable. If no compromise can be found, I'd move out.

[LaserEnvy]

Oh, look. It's this thread again.

Are we going to run around in circles for 40 pages like last time? I'm looking at you, Poeduo.

[poedua]

Back on topic, it depends on the situation. Personally, if I was in this situation, I would have a discussion with my parents about it to determine what's reasonable. If no compromise can be found, I'd move out.

Fair enough

Obviously, you don't think $2,000 a month is reasonable in the OP's case - what $ amount would you think is reasonable enough for the OP so, if you were in the OP's shoes, such that it wouldn't prompt you to " move out " ?

[rems]

Fair enough

Obviously, you don't think $2,000 a month is reasonable in the OP's case - what $ amount would you think is reasonable enough for the OP so, if you were in the OP's shoes, such that it wouldn't prompt you to " move out " ?

Again it depends. If they borrowed money to support me, the sky's the limit. If theyre using it for a gambling addiction, a lot less. I seriously don't know how many times I have to write it depends. Because I dont think you can write down all the mitigating factors surrounding the situation. That's where having the discussion like adults come into play.

[poedua]

Again it depends. If they borrowed money to support me, the sky's the limit. If theyre using it for a gambling addiction, a lot less. I seriously don't know how many times I have to write it depends. Because I dont think you can write down all the mitigating factors surrounding the situation. That's where having the discussion like adults come into play.

Well, if you think " it depends ", and you " dont think you can write down all the mitigating factors surrounding the situation " then $2,000 may be more than fair - yet - you think $2,000 is unreasonable because you said if you were in that situation you'd " move out " if there could be no compromise on the $2,000 number.

Clearly, in this situation, you think $2,000 is unreasonable....so, I was simply curious as to what you think is a more reasonable number.

Could you live with say, $1,750 / mth, or $1,500 / mth, or $1,250 / mth , $1,000 / mth ?

[yucksta]

In our home, my dad and I maintain an excel documenting all common expenses, right down to individual food purchases. There are three people in the home and I contribute to 50% of the expenses, which works out to an average of $1300 to $1500 monthly. Everything is transparent.

[poedua]

In our home, my dad and I maintain an excel documenting all common expenses, right down to individual food purchases. There are three people in the home and I contribute to 50% of the expenses, which works out to an average of $1300 to $1500 monthly. Everything is transparent.

VERY good to hear.

Kudos !! :)

[LaserEnvy]

A reasonable amount is $0.

[rems]

Well, if you think " it depends ", and you " dont think you can write down all the mitigating factors surrounding the situation " then $2,000 may be more than fair - yet - you think $2,000 is unreasonable because you said if you were in that situation you'd " move out " if there could be no compromise on the $2,000 number.

Clearly, in this situation, you think $2,000 is unreasonable....so, I was simply curious as to what you think is a more reasonable number.

Could you live with say, $1,750 / mth, or $1,500 / mth, or $1,250 / mth , $1,000 / mth ?

Where did I say that $2000 is unreasonable? I said I'd have a discussion and if no compromise can be found, then I'd move out. I did not mention any monetary amount. Please read more carefully.

But the OP asking probably means that he/she thinks that's unreasonable which is why I suggested simply having a discussion with them like adults. Why do you like putting things in absolute terms. Again I don't know the whole situation with the OP. I don't know what their family is like, what their situation is...the only people that can put an actual number on this are the OP and his/her parents.

[sleepyguy]

Wow, that is pretty brutal. I'm viet and my parents were very harsh too when we were young... although not even close to what you went through. Although once we were 16 it was "do whatever you like" which was cool.

Hopefully things all worked out for you. -sg


Let me start by saying that I am Asian and I wasn't born in Canada. My parents are very traditional Asian and I was raised that way, but let me ask, what COUNTRY are these people living in? Tell me something, what family value is there in having parents that are so controlling and emotionally manipulative that they would disown you for making your own decisions and living your own life? If that's what family is, I'd rather have no family. I moved out at 18 against my parents' wishes. My parents were so controlling and demanding that I could not keep up my undergraduate studies. My parents are dependant, stubborn people who refuse to learn English, although they've been in this country for almost 30 years now. While I was in my undergrad, they constantly yelled at me, whenever I did something they didn't approve of (this included going to a friend's birthday party) and they would still make me take care of all the household needs that required English. That meant taking them to doctor's appointments, paying bills, overseeing home repairs, etc. Now I would tell them that school was stressful and I had no time to be doing this anymore, but they would just yell at me for being ungrateful and call me pathetic, because I could not handle undergrad, while taking care of my house at the same time. That is why I moved out after first year.

They use to make me transfer money into their account for "safe keeping", because they were worried if I had too much money, OSAP would not allow me to borrow money. I didn't even need OSAP (I'd been working since I was 15), but for some reason they told me to borrow money anyway, because it was "free". All this money would be transferred into their bank accounts as well. Needless to say when the time to pay off the OSAP loans came, they paid it off and then hung it over me, because THEY paid off my student loans for me. Meanwhile, I had more than enough money to pay for all of my schooling. And the extra money that I had been transferring to them? It disappeared and if I ever brought it up, they would start yelling at me to the point where I would end up in tears. My parents and their controlling ways have done nothing, but hold me back my entire life. I had originally won the top scholarship at a prestigious program outside of my home town, but my parents guilted me into staying and going to a crappy program in town, because they didn't want me to waste money for accommodations and they wanted me to stay home and help them. Needlessly to say, I graduated from a crap program and have been struggling to find a job, even though I'm actively looking. I had to move home recently and they've been nothing, but nasty to me. Anytime they had unreasonable demands (like I needed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor EVERY night) and I would try to discuss it with them, they'd just yell at me and call me a free loader and told me if I didn't want to do as they said, I should find a job and move out. It stung, because it wasn't like I wasn't trying and if I had any choice I wouldn't be here right now. I've given up searching in my field and right now I'm applying to any job, so I can move out.

So tell me, where's the family value in that? If anything I should be the one disowning them, not the other way around. They use to make fun of white culture and say how those white parents didn't care about their kids and how messed up their families were, because they would keep their money separate and keep track of whose money was whose and the kids would leave home at 18. The older I get, the more I realize that isn't a bad thing. This whole family unit thing that Asians have going on is hypocrisy at its best. When there was any sacrifice required, I was always told to do what's best for the family, but when there's any gain, I get no part of it. So yes, tell me what family value there is in any of this? If you read through this thread, there's lot of Asians who get screwed over by their parents and have to keep paying them money, even though they have their own families to take care. It causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child's life. So OP, if your parents want to disown you over something simple like wanting to move out, then they're not family to begin with. Family should love and support you no matter what.

[Xiaohaibao]

Let me start by saying that I am Asian and I wasn't born in Canada. My parents are very traditional Asian and I was raised that way
Why do people say they are "asian" it's such a meaningless term and there is no such thing as "traditional asian". There is traditional chinese or traditional indonesian or traditional cambodian but traditional asian doesn't mean anything. I think lumping all countries/culture on a continent together is a stupid thing to do.

[feelthedeal]

Why do people say they are "asian" it's such a meaningless term and there is no such thing as "traditional asian". There is traditional chinese or traditional indonesian or traditional cambodian but traditional asian doesn't mean anything. I think lumping all countries/culture on a continent together is a stupid thing to do.

Result of low net worth education

[poedua]

Where did I say that $2000 is unreasonable? I said I'd have a discussion and if no compromise can be found, then I'd move out. I did not mention any monetary amount. Please read more carefully.

Simple...you said you'd " move out if no " compromise " could be found on the $2,000 - so by definition, $2,000 is unreasonable cause if it isn't adjusted ..you'd " move out ".

But just so I'm clear, solely based based on the information we've been provided by the OP so far, one question.

Do yo think the $2,000 a month the OP's parent's are asking to be paid is reasonable or not ?

Just need a YES or NO from you..

YES or NO ?

[poedua]

A reasonable amount is $0.

I would have to disagree.

I think if you're an adult kid not attending school with a full time and or part-time job living at home with your parents, paying $0 is complete unacceptable and unreasonable....in fact, I'd call it obscene.

The adult kid should be paying something in term of $ to the parents IMHO.

[Hairball]

I would have to disagree.

I think if you're an adult kid not attending school with a full time and or part-time job living at home with your parents, paying $0 is complete unacceptable and unreasonable....in fact, I'd call it obscene.

The adult kid should be paying something in term of $ to the parents IMHO.

Since you're so black and white, what amount would be acceptable? $0 is too little $2000 is too much.

[dragon_drift]

Why do people say they are "asian" it's such a meaningless term and there is no such thing as "traditional asian". There is traditional chinese or traditional indonesian or traditional cambodian but traditional asian doesn't mean anything. I think lumping all countries/culture on a continent together is a stupid thing to do.

She's being general. Not specific. I see the education system has failed you.

[rems]

Simple...you said you'd " move out if no " compromise " could be found on the $2,000 - so by definition, $2,000 is unreasonable cause if it isn't adjusted ..you'd " move out ".

But just so I'm clear, solely based based on the information we've been provided by the OP so far, one question.

Do yo think the $2,000 a month the OP's parent's are asking to be paid is reasonable or not ?

Just need a YES or NO from you..

YES or NO ?

Do you have reading comprehension problems? I already explained why I wrote why I wrote. The OP asked for advice. The OP is the one that thinks $2000 is too much. I said the OP and his parents should find the compromise. If they can't find that compromise, similar to if I was in that situation and can't find a compromise, I'd move out.

Remember this?
Parents want child to stay + Child wants to stay = Child stays
Parents want child to stay + Child wants to move out= Child moves out
Parents want child to move out + Child wants to stay = Child moves out
Parents want child to move out + Child wants to move out= Child moves out.

[sleepyguy]

I personally find it kinda odd, that parents thinks Kids 'owe' them something. As parents you prepare you kids to be good standing citizens (yes that cost money) but heck... that is your duty as a parent. Home contribution thing would be more to prepare them for adulthood. If my kids still lives at home and is working... I would suggest he contributes $300-500/mth to the household... I would not tell him I would be putting it away for his future condo/house downpayment though. Just my 2 cents.

[yao416]

Podua is like the cheerleader for this thread

Laughing out loudly

Kudos to u. Lol lol

[uber_shnitz]

I personally find it kinda odd, that parents thinks Kids 'owe' them something. As parents you prepare you kids to be good standing citizens (yes that cost money) but heck... that is your duty as a parent. Home contribution thing would be more to prepare them for adulthood. If my kids still lives at home and is working... I would suggest he contributes $300-500/mth to the household... I would not tell him I would be putting it away for his future condo/house downpayment though. Just my 2 cents.
But on the flipside it's not unreasonable to say that parents don't owe the kids to let them freeload off them as long as they(the kids) want. The parents' job is to help the child become a self-sufficient and contributing adult. If indeed staying home and supporting them a few years after graduation will help the kid and the parents are willing, then that's fine, but I don't feel the parents OWE it to the kid to do that; the parents will do it out of the goodness of their heart and the love of their child.

[iEyeCaptain]

I would have to disagree.

I think if you're an adult kid not attending school with a full time and or part-time job living at home with your parents, paying $0 is complete unacceptable and unreasonable....in fact, I'd call it obscene.

The adult kid should be paying something in term of $ to the parents IMHO.

depend on situation
if parents balling, no need to contribute.
lots of my cumpares have balling parents. dont pay a cent to them. nor do their parents accept/want money from them.
they buy bmws and LGs.
good life is good.

[yao416]

depend on situation
if parents balling, no need to contribute.
lots of my cumpares have balling parents. dont pay a cent to them. nor do their parents accept/want money from them.
they buy bmws and LGs.
good life is good.

I would disagree. Even then, they should contribute $500

[LaserEnvy]

Let me start by saying that I am Asian and I wasn't born in Canada. My parents are very traditional Asian and I was raised that way, but let me ask, what COUNTRY are these people living in? Tell me something, what family value is there in having parents that are so controlling and emotionally manipulative that they would disown you for making your own decisions and living your own life? If that's what family is, I'd rather have no family. I moved out at 18 against my parents' wishes. My parents were so controlling and demanding that I could not keep up my undergraduate studies. My parents are dependant, stubborn people who refuse to learn English, although they've been in this country for almost 30 years now. While I was in my undergrad, they constantly yelled at me, whenever I did something they didn't approve of (this included going to a friend's birthday party) and they would still make me take care of all the household needs that required English. That meant taking them to doctor's appointments, paying bills, overseeing home repairs, etc. Now I would tell them that school was stressful and I had no time to be doing this anymore, but they would just yell at me for being ungrateful and call me pathetic, because I could not handle undergrad, while taking care of my house at the same time. That is why I moved out after first year.

They use to make me transfer money into their account for "safe keeping", because they were worried if I had too much money, OSAP would not allow me to borrow money. I didn't even need OSAP (I'd been working since I was 15), but for some reason they told me to borrow money anyway, because it was "free". All this money would be transferred into their bank accounts as well. Needless to say when the time to pay off the OSAP loans came, they paid it off and then hung it over me, because THEY paid off my student loans for me. Meanwhile, I had more than enough money to pay for all of my schooling. And the extra money that I had been transferring to them? It disappeared and if I ever brought it up, they would start yelling at me to the point where I would end up in tears. My parents and their controlling ways have done nothing, but hold me back my entire life. I had originally won the top scholarship at a prestigious program outside of my home town, but my parents guilted me into staying and going to a crappy program in town, because they didn't want me to waste money for accommodations and they wanted me to stay home and help them. Needlessly to say, I graduated from a crap program and have been struggling to find a job, even though I'm actively looking. I had to move home recently and they've been nothing, but nasty to me. Anytime they had unreasonable demands (like I needed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor EVERY night) and I would try to discuss it with them, they'd just yell at me and call me a free loader and told me if I didn't want to do as they said, I should find a job and move out. It stung, because it wasn't like I wasn't trying and if I had any choice I wouldn't be here right now. I've given up searching in my field and right now I'm applying to any job, so I can move out.

So tell me, where's the family value in that? If anything I should be the one disowning them, not the other way around. They use to make fun of white culture and say how those white parents didn't care about their kids and how messed up their families were, because they would keep their money separate and keep track of whose money was whose and the kids would leave home at 18. The older I get, the more I realize that isn't a bad thing. This whole family unit thing that Asians have going on is hypocrisy at its best. When there was any sacrifice required, I was always told to do what's best for the family, but when there's any gain, I get no part of it. So yes, tell me what family value there is in any of this? If you read through this thread, there's lot of Asians who get screwed over by their parents and have to keep paying them money, even though they have their own families to take care. It causes a lot of unnecessary stress in the child's life. So OP, if your parents want to disown you over something simple like wanting to move out, then they're not family to begin with. Family should love and support you no matter what.

This is a sad story :(. I think EbonyRose needs a big, body-to-body hug to make her feel better. I would like to volunteer.

[iEyeCaptain]

I would disagree. Even then, they should contribute $500

parents no want monies.
$500 is what they make in 1 hour.

[poedua]

depend on situation
if parents balling, no need to contribute.

Unfortunately, balling or not, that's the parent's call if the adult kid needs to contribute ...not the adult kids call.;)


lots of my cumpares have balling parents.

dont pay a cent to them.

nor do their parents accept/want money from them.


they buy bmws and LGs.


good life is good.

No comment.

:rolleyes:

[poedua]

Since you're so black and white, what amount would be acceptable? $0 is too little $2000 is too much.

$2,000 sounds good to me.:D

[poedua]

Do you have reading comprehension problems? I already explained why I wrote why I wrote. The OP asked for advice. The OP is the one that thinks $2000 is too much. I said the OP and his parents should find the compromise. If they can't find that compromise, similar to if I was in that situation and can't find a compromise, I'd move out.

Remember this?
Parents want child to stay + Child wants to stay = Child stays
Parents want child to stay + Child wants to move out= Child moves out
Parents want child to move out + Child wants to stay = Child moves out
Parents want child to move out + Child wants to move out= Child moves out.

And I'm asking YOU what YOU think....for YOUR opinion.

So, I'll ask you again, solely based based on the information we've been provided by the OP so far, one question.

Do you think the $2,000 a month the OP's parent's are asking to be paid is reasonable or not ?

Just need a YES or NO from you rems...which is it ?

YES or NO ?

[iEyeCaptain]

Unfortunately, balling or not, that's the parent's call if the adult kid needs to contribute ...not the adult kids call.;)


the parents call = no need to contribute
read post again
never said anything about kids not willing to contribute
said parents not willing to take due to their ballerhood

[rems]

And I'm asking YOU what YOU think....for YOUR opinion.

So, I'll ask you again, solely based based on the information we've been provided by the OP so far, one question.

Do you think the $2,000 a month the OP's parent's are asking to be paid is reasonable or not ?

Just need a YES or NO from you rems...which is it ?

YES or NO ?

Again my opinion is that I don't know their situation. I don't know if $2000 is too much, too little or the right amount. I've written that numerous times and yet you seem to just disregard it.

[poedua]

the parents call = no need to contribute
read post again
never said anything about kids not willing to contribute
said parents not willing to take due to their ballerhood

Fair enough.

[iEyeCaptain]

Again my opinion is that I don't know their situation. I don't know if $2000 is too much, too little or the right amount. I've written that numerous times and yet you seem to just disregard it.

Whether or not $2,000 is 'enough' depends on family situation.

If one achieves doctorhood, lawyerhood, ballerhood as a recent graduate and parents are manual laborer/housewives (or any other low income/poverty line jobs), one would expect that said one would contribute a higher dollar amount to one's parents.

$2,000 to one making $500k as a recent grad is different than one making $40k as a recent grad.

[iEyeCaptain]

Fair enough.

even so, if baller parents are baller, then who care.
they have enough dough to take care of themselves.
why not go and spend some money on cars, LGs, etc?
i mean, rock life YOLO style.
don't hate.

[Hairball]

even so, if baller parents are baller, then who care.
they have enough dough to take care of themselves.
why not go and spend some money on cars, LGs, etc?
i mean, rock life YOLO style.
don't hate.

Agreed, you don't need to give your parents money if they're ballin' like mad, if anything they should fund your expeditions.

Dunno y ppl take life so seriously around here.

[ultran00b]

Agreed, you don't need to give your parents money if they're ballin' like mad, if anything they should fund your expeditions.

Dunno y ppl take life so seriously around here.

Le sigh. YOLO so buy X6M and front like Big 6 tomorrow? Sounds legit.

[dragon_drift]

even so, if baller parents are baller, then who care.
they have enough dough to take care of themselves.
why not go and spend some money on cars, LGs, etc?
i mean, rock life YOLO style.
don't hate.

Word. fistbump.jpg

[Hairball]

Le sigh. YOLO so buy X6M and front like Big 6 tomorrow? Sounds legit.

If you got money why not spend it? Helps keep the economy going strong. Dunno what's gonna happen tomorrow so just live like it's your last day, and enjoy it. Stress ages you and kills you faster anyways.

[peanutz]

Stress ages you and kills you faster anyways.It can also turn you into a chubbychaser. (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/stressed-men-prefer-plump-women-study/article4470603/)

[iEyeCaptain]

If you got money why not spend it? Helps keep the economy going strong. Dunno what's gonna happen tomorrow so just live like it's your last day, and enjoy it. Stress ages you and kills you faster anyways.

wise words.
listen, young grasshops.

[yao416]

What's tomorrow? You don't know what will happen tomorrow. Take cash money to burial along with the body?

[flashy_mcflash]

What about passing something on to your kids/spouse?

[LaserEnvy]

If you got money why not spend it? Helps keep the economy going strong. Dunno what's gonna happen tomorrow so just live like it's your last day, and enjoy it. Stress ages you and kills you faster anyways.

You should save for retirement/emergencies/unexpected expenses, or you can invest to make more, or have something to leave behind for your spouse, children/grandchildren.

[yao416]

What about passing something on to your kids/spouse?

In this generation. We are going backwards. Kids giving passing something on to their parents instead of their own children.

[Yu_Qing]

$2000 is a ridiculous amount and to be fair, I don't agree with this whole reverse allowance thing, where you pay back your parents for raising you. It was their decision to have a child and with that comes certain responsibilities like feeding, sheltering and clothing that child. To me, asking for a child to pay back all the money you spent on them is like imposing a loan on someone without their consent. The child cannot ask to be born, so they never agreed to the expenses. I don't see how parents can feel justified in asking for money from their children. I know a lot of people argue with the whole, they raised you and now it's your turn to take care of them, when they're old and don't have money, etc. My answer to that argument is that if you cannot afford to have children AND properly plan for retirement and take care of yourself, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place. There are so many people who should not be having children and they still do anyway. You're placing an unfair burden on your children. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you should be paying for your child for the rest of his/her life, but as a parent your goal should be to raise your child to be self-sufficient and once they are, that's where your monetary responsibilities end.

Thank you for writing this.

I know a woman who treats her children this way- and I've felt bad for having similar thoughts because maybe there is something wrong with me and my thinking of the situation.

Now I see that others like you feel this way (plus all the plus ones!)- so I don't feel that bad after all.

[Yu_Qing]

this is a sad story :(. I think ebonyrose needs a big, body-to-body hug to make her feel better. I would like to volunteer.

lol!

[spike1128]

Thank you for writing this.

I know a woman who treats her children this way- and I've felt bad for having similar thoughts because maybe there is something wrong with me and my thinking of the situation.

Now I see that others like you feel this way (plus all the plus ones!)- so I don't feel that bad after all.

In the meantime, you got your own boss to worry about. So no need to worry about Rose. You needa worry about yourself first.

Let this be a motivation for Rose & OP to ditch their parents and move out!! We throw them a RFD online party if they succeed in leaving with style.

[Yu_Qing]

In the meantime, you got your own boss to worry about. So no need to worry about Rose. You needa worry about yourself first.

Let this be a motivation for Rose & OP to ditch their parents and move out!! We throw them a RFD online party if they succeed in leaving with style.

Thanks? I already handled the situation- moved on to something else and things are great.

[spike1128]

Thanks? I already handled the situation- moved on to something else and things are great.

Good!!

[Catherine111]

I used to contribute about $400 per month.

[rems]

Whether or not $2,000 is 'enough' depends on family situation.

If one achieves doctorhood, lawyerhood, ballerhood as a recent graduate and parents are manual laborer/housewives (or any other low income/poverty line jobs), one would expect that said one would contribute a higher dollar amount to one's parents.

$2,000 to one making $500k as a recent grad is different than one making $40k as a recent grad.

What do you mean?! The only thing that matters is the monetary amount! Who cares what other factors come into play. There's only a range of acceptible dollar amounts... :rolleyes:

[Hairball]

What do you mean?! The only thing that matters is the monetary amount! Who cares what other factors come into play. There's only a range of acceptible dollar amounts... :rolleyes:

He already explained, if your parents are poor, maybe you'd wanna help them out. For example, this is different than them trying to swallow your money so they can buy a new luxury car.