tacky wedding techniques

[julie]

i had a friend who had a wedding. she asked me to give her cash for the wedding gift (as they were short of cash). i usually give gifts as they are so much more personal, but to appease her i ended up simply giving her cash and returned the gift i had originally bought her. she also had a jack and jill fundraiser, plus a bridal shower. the final straw that made me kinda think this she was being really really tacky is when she asked me not to bring my date (as she didn't know him... although i've been dating him for years and she knew everything about him during that time).

after all that hoopla about having not enough money, she has been one of the few friends i know who bought their home before they got married and furnished it with everything including the extra frills.

i've gone to other weddings where money was never mentioned, and i've brought a date, and have not been asked to give cash. nothing about trying to gain more money from the guests were ever done. More often than not, I've seen the couple either rent (until they could afford a home much later on in their marriage) or live in their parent's basement apartment. they didn't have the extra frills, and certainly did NOT buy their own house.

am i the only one who thinks what this girl did was rather tacky? I thought a wedding was a time of celebrating your special day by inviting friends to join in... not a time to squeeze as much money from your guests as possible.

to make matters worse, she did not even write a thank you note for the cash i gave her for her wedding present. needless to say, i'm really debating whether or not to even invite her to my wedding.

[bigredlemon]

As a certified frugal-person, even i'd say that is lame. If they are looking to save money, they shouldn't have invited you. If they found it worthwhile enough to have you there (as a friend, and not as somebody who's brining money) then they should have invited you both. It seems just insulting IMHO.

If, on the otherhand, they don't want your SO to come because he's an *******/drunk/weirdo/convicted killer with manic depression and excess body hair, then I could see how they might use the money excuse so as to not make him feel bad.

[julie]

no, he is none of that. he is the nicest guy ever. she also asked another close friend of ours to not bring a date either! (and the 2 guys do NOT know each other). but we were BOTH invited to the other fundraisers (ie. jack and jill "fundraiser" etc).

[JLunar]

Oh, have I a site for you, Julie.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/wedindex.htm

I read every one of these stories the way one watches a car wreck at the site of the road.

Jen

[Keelie]

i dont like it when ppl ask for money rather than a gift. myself i think the way to go about it is to say money or a gift is ok. then you are sure to get some of both.
i dont like giving money, and personally i dont like to recieve it for occasions such as a birthday or christmas. gifts are much more personal and mean alot more to me.. which, i guess, is why i would rather give them also.

[JAC]

to make matters worse, she did not even write a thank you note for the cash i gave her for her wedding present. needless to say, i'm really debating whether or not to even invite her to my wedding.

Invite her, tell her to give you cash, and then don't seat her husband.

[kingstonseller]

bad girs bad girls what ya gonna do whatt ya gonna do when they come for you bad girls bad girls what ya gon

[ranjeet2000]

You know your friend sounds like one of those people who i used to be friends with. selfish self centered people who should wear a tshirt that says "It's all about me"
she is not short changed. she is just being greedy. for her to furnish her place so upscale is more than enough evidence taht if she is short changed, it's because of her tastes, not due to lack of money.
and all her little fundraisers make you wonder if this is a wedding or some scam to help pay off her house.
personally i don't like people like that.
my aunts did the same thing. having multiple showers to try to cash in on other peoples generosity.
here is advice for you.
a bad friend is not a friend at all.
they are parasites, and will only hurt you in the end because they will use you & abuse you.
I bet even if you did invite her to your wedding, she would skimp out on the gift and give you siomething she got from her wedding. and if you asked for cash, she'd probably give you a crappy amount or act insulted that you asked.

[frogger]

Ranjeet is right, this person sounds like a selfish selfserving person, whether she knows it or not. To have all those money making events and not allow you to bring someone you are obviously very serious with is just silly.

You should invite her to your wedding and tell her she cannot come to the reception.

[plucky duck]

Geez, you call that a friend?? Way too self centred. Can't bring a SO? Why?? So she can go cheap on the meals??? Sheesh. You can share happiness with her, only if you pay cash, and don't be a burden on her wallet by bringing a companion??

[towingwidow]

I would definately be losing that so-called friend in a big hurry.

[synaptech]

hmmmm, so my $20 cover charge at the church door is bad idea then.... :lol:

[towingwidow]

hmmmm, so my $20 cover charge at the church door is bad idea then.... :lol:

Empty church. I'd be seeing ya' at the reception!!

[julie]

thanks for all the advice and replies. good to know i wasn't being overly sensitive. JAC, my SO said exactly the same thing too!


i just think it's kind of funny how friendships can begin and end because of a wedding. esp after checking out the weddings from hell site.

[ranjeet2000]

Julie, I don't think that friendships end at a wedding.
you just finally realise what a jerk the person is, and it just takes some guts to end it.

it took me a very long time to end my friendships with my so called "friends" who i know called self centered jerks.
for a very long time, you're in the stage where you wonder if it's all in your head or if you're just making a big deal. and you even hope the person will change.

but after many times of the person taking hours to talk about themselves and then all of a sudden saying they are busy when the topic switches to you is mroe than enough crap to take.

[golf nut]

That does sound pretty tacky but... you also went along with it!

If it was me and I found it that offensive or tacky, I would have done my own thing, given a gift that I thought was appropriate (gift or cash - despite the request it is your choice to decide) and if she insisted that I drop the date, I would have politely declined to attend without him.

My two cents.

[eXpedite]

I have to agree with everyone. If money is short, then downsize the wedding so you can accomodate. The point is to share the day with those you are close to. I'd rather move to a cash bar and buffet style and have everyone I love there, than opt for the frills and only those who can make my day profitable.

I'd send a gift of your choice, and opt not to go either way saying you made plans to go to a movie, since this is at least something you can do together.

[keanefan]

Cash for gifts is the norm or tradition for Chinese, Italian or Asian weddings. There is usually a box for the money envelopes at the reception.

The cash gifts usually cover the cost of the wedding. Maybe the whole cost of the wedding or part of the cost.

Buying gifts is not that good because usually the gifts are useless or will never be used. So cash is preferable since it will help pay for the wedding.

If your friend was deliberately using the wedding to get money from people- that would be tacky. Otherwise, she was following tradition of preferring cash gifts over bought gifts which she doesn't want or need.

My cousin was pressured by friends to register at a department store. He and his fiancee registered for stuff that they didn't really need or want but they felt pressured to select items for those who prefer to buy gifts.

Maybe your friend wanted a smaller guest list so she asked you not to invite your boyfriend.

[Absolute]

Ummm. Back from the dead?

[runamuck]

after all that hoopla about having not enough money, she has been one of the few friends i know who bought their home before they got married and furnished it with everything including the extra frills.

i've gone to other weddings where money was never mentioned, and i've brought a date, and have not been asked to give cash. nothing about trying to gain more money from the guests were ever done. More often than not, I've seen the couple either rent (until they could afford a home much later on in their marriage) or live in their parent's basement apartment. they didn't have the extra frills, and certainly did NOT buy their own house.
.


looks like they furnished the home with LEONS DONT PAY TILL 2007 EVENT! lol

[thelefteyeguy]

really i don't see a problem with asking for a monetary gift as a present...fundraising...thats a different story

many couples are heavily in debt after the wedding when the average wedding cost range from (average) $35-45K for that one day...it's difficult enough with the extra cost of finding a place/buying a place/furnishing it/etc after the wedding

so if you are really their friend...why can't you fulfil their wish and give them a head start in post wedding day marriage life...it doesnt hurt

[runamuck]

afterall..who wants 5 toasters :lol:


not everyone is in2the whole online registery thing

[wiggy]

Nuking your date is stepping on your personal perogative and way beyond the pale. The chick sounds cheezy past beyond. Probably found exactly the kind of guy she deserves.

If you want to recoup some of your cash and there are enough pissed guests around you could start a pool to see how long the wedding lasts (probably once the cash runs out or the novelty of her new toys wears off).

Oh, and invite her to your wedding, tell her to bring lots of cash but to leave her husband at home.

[north77]

I'd send a gift of your choice, and opt not to go either way saying you made plans to go to a movie, since this is at least something you can do together.


I don't know how close a 'friend' this is. If this was one of my close friends that did this to me, I would ask her staight up why I couldn't bring my SO.

Then I'd do what eXpedite said. :cheesygri

If the bride (or groom) insisted my better half couldn't come, I'd seriously re-evaluate our 'friendship.'

*edit* LOL! I just saw Absolute's post, I should start looking at dates. :lol:

[WiZZLa]

It's been 2+ years, are they divorced yet? You can ask for your money back.

btw: Last Activity: Jan 23rd, 2003 09:47 AM

[quigon]

For those who think giving cash for wedding is not appropriate, consider buying gift certificates. Unless you know the wedding couple very well, the gift you buy for them will usually sit in the dark corner in the basement.

[wanted]

Cash for gifts is the norm or tradition for Chinese, Italian or Asian weddings. There is usually a box for the money envelopes at the reception.

The cash gifts usually cover the cost of the wedding. Maybe the whole cost of the wedding or part of the cost.

Buying gifts is not that good because usually the gifts are useless or will never be used. So cash is preferable since it will help pay for the wedding.

If your friend was deliberately using the wedding to get money from people- that would be tacky. Otherwise, she was following tradition of preferring cash gifts over bought gifts which she doesn't want or need.

My cousin was pressured by friends to register at a department store. He and his fiancee registered for stuff that they didn't really need or want but they felt pressured to select items for those who prefer to buy gifts.

Maybe your friend wanted a smaller guest list so she asked you not to invite your boyfriend.


2 years later eh?
Do you ever look at the date whenever you search for random topics?

[UrbanPoet]

seeee thats what u white folk get for giving out toasters and pepper/salt shakers as wedding gifts.

chinese people.... we just give Money. Weddings are expensive you know :twisted:

[thelefteyeguy]

seeee thats what u white folk get for giving out toasters and pepper/salt shakers as wedding gifts.

chinese people.... we just give Money. Weddings are expensive you know :twisted:

exactly

[dolphie]

really i don't see a problem with asking for a monetary gift as a present...fundraising...thats a different story
a wedding is NOT a fundraiser.

many couples are heavily in debt after the wedding when the average wedding cost range from (average) $35-45K for that one day.
THAT is exactly what is wrong with people these days. If you can't afford to throw a 35K wedding, don't. Don't throw one anyways, then expect the guests to finance it.
I got married with 300 people for under 10K. Evening wedding, midnight buffet and no dinner. I'd have LOVED to tell every single guest of mine that i only wanted money, but I wasn't going to be a cheesy, tactless ass. The problem is more people forget their manners...one person sees another doing it and thinks it's okay. then the chain of arseholness goes on and on.

[mlc2000]

Ummm. Back from the dead?

Hey - its wedding season again!

[thelefteyeguy]

**QUOTE=dolphie a wedding is NOT a fundraiser.**

if this quote was directed to me...let me respond...i agreed that it is not a fundraiser....no point in directing it to me

**QUOTE=dolphie THAT is exactly what is wrong with people these days. If you can't afford to throw a 35K wedding, don't. Don't throw one anyways, then expect the guests to finance it.**


I got married with 300 people for under 10K. Evening wedding, midnight buffet and no dinner. I'd have LOVED to tell every single guest of mine that i only wanted money, but I wasn't going to be a cheesy, tactless ass. The problem is more people forget their manners...one person sees another doing it and thinks it's okay. then the chain of arseholness goes on and on.[/QUOTE]

Are you non asian? well I am asian and it is tradition to have a dinner at night (i.e. prime time) ~ to not have a dinner at night is a slapped to the face of every relative you have as an asian. It is also a slap to the face of your parents. For asians, the dinner is the pinnacle of the wedding where you celebrate with your family. In fact this tradition is not only instilled in asian weddings but also european tradition.

There are many ways of communicating to your friends that you prefer a monetary gift. For example, you can on your invitation card have a small note on the bottom that states you prefer a monetary gift so you don't have the communicate this issue after the present is purchased (like the situation on the initial post). I have seen the note before and it didnt look tacky at all.

btw i think the point is if you can't afford a wedding and you have lots of family and friends...you have 2 options: elope or just don't have a wedding.

btw...most wedding (asian) couples know that they will be losing money on their wedding...they don't expect their weddings to be "financed", I prefer the phrase "supplemented"

[Absolute]

Hey - its wedding season again!
True, already been to one so far, although they only had a gift registry, no requests for money.

[dolphie]

There are many ways of communicating to your friends that you prefer a monetary gift.
you're right....but there's no way in the world to do it without looking like money hungry wedding fundraisers....it's called tact.


Are you non asian? well I am asian and it is tradition to have a dinner at night (i.e. prime time) ~ to not have a dinner at night is a slapped to the face of every relative you have as an asian.
right again. i'm not asian. Maybe it's something about my white culture that makes my family understand i can't go into bankruptcy to pay for them to eat at my wedding. Again though...i don't think it's culture...i think it's tact.
my mom would rather eat a hamburger and fries knowing it wasn't putting me at financial unrest, than the lobster if she knew i couldn't afford it.

[mochachicka]

but we were BOTH invited to the other fundraisers (ie. jack and jill "fundraiser" etc).

um..what's a "jack and jill fundraiser"? :confused:

[thelefteyeguy]

yeah i've heard of ppl contributing to a honeymoon fund but not a jack and jill fundraiser

[Rogue_77]

um..what's a "jack and jill fundraiser"? :confused:

Another name for Stag & Doe party

[UrbanPoet]

you're right....but there's no way in the world to do it without looking like money hungry wedding fundraisers....it's called tact.


right again. i'm not asian. Maybe it's something about my white culture that makes my family understand i can't go into bankruptcy to pay for them to eat at my wedding. Again though...i don't think it's culture...i think it's tact.
my mom would rather eat a hamburger and fries knowing it wasn't putting me at financial unrest, than the lobster if she knew i couldn't afford it.
haha burger and fries... silly infidel Americans!

[gabng]

Hey - its wedding season again!

yep, after 2 years, it's finally wedding season again, lol ;)