Empathy turned upside down

[partytime2009]

Hey,

I am five minutes removed from speaking to someone who's had a somewhat rough go at life in the past year or two which has led to a mild sadness/depression for me.

My problem is that when I hear of a person going through a tougher life than I have had to deal with, I tend to feel empathy to a very high degree. For example the person I just spoke told me about the accident he had in his construction job, being out of a job for over a year, not being able to deal with the pain and make a living, and his company subsequently refusing to recognize that he is severely injured even with ample proof. Even listening to his story I felt extremely uneasy and I could feel myself getting depressed over it.

When I was younger I actually used to have nightmares and bouts of depression from other people's suffering. For example, whenever those third world children's commercials would come on, I would have to basically jump over tables to change the channel so it wouldn't affect me. As I have gotten older I have forced myself to be selfish and blinding myself to the suffering going on in the world so it wouldn't affect me, but sometimes like today, I just can't avoid it.

For those of you who feel too much empathy, how do you cope so other people's problems don't make you depressed and bring forth a guilty feeling in yourself for having a relatively easy life?

[Peckerwood]

ʎɥʇɐdɯǝ

[sxz]

Something to cheer you up:

:)

[towhytea]

Thats Just cruel. This guy obviously is going thru a rough time and just needs some help not that.
If i were you i would speak to my doctor what your going thru he/she will prob have the right answers for you and how to deal with it.


Something to cheer you up:

[Peckerwood]

What are you on about...that picture happened to cheer me right the heck up. It is always helpful to know just how good one really has it in life.

Thats Just cruel. This guy obviously is going thru a rough time and just needs some help not that.

[Madchester]

Something to cheer you up:

:)[/img]

Well don't do as the photographer did. He committed suicide about a year after he took that Pullitzer prize winning photo.

[wiggy]

Thats why we have beer.

[cheapmeister]

1 day something bad will happen to you, then you will see how good you really had it and wonder if your life will ever be like that again!

[Sepiraph]

Well don't do as the photographer did. He committed suicide about a year after he took that Pullitzer prize winning photo.

He'd probably be rolling in his graves if he saw the caption some people came up with...

[LordofthePing]

Talk with a doc. I can't think of any good books off the top of my head. It's good to be sensitive to others, but, obviously, you don't want to be so sensitive that you become upset. Try to find some things that cheer you up or calm you down. Maybe a game, a TV show (have any Simpsons DVDs?), or a book that will help you relax a little.

[sxz]

The depths and heights of humanity, captured on film.

http://www.photosthatchangedtheworld.com/

Seriously though, after viewing these photos you realize how far we've come and how far we still have to go.

[Magoo]

Sounds like you need a shrink... not RFD.

[corrupt123]

Something to cheer you up:

*snip*

Holy ****... I just saw that and laughed before I consciously realised what it was.

I'm definitely going to hell.

[partytime2009]

Something to cheer you up:


So you get amusement from children dying of hunger...you my friend are the biggest loser on earth.

[partytime2009]

Sounds like you need a shrink... not RFD.

I would consider it, but I love life and my life is going very well. It is only when I am faced with other people's problems that I get a little overwhelmed.

Some psychologist did research on how some lottery winners have this "guilt" of suddenly becoming wealthy while most of their friends and family are not doing so well. Just an unhealthy ability to feel empathy I guess, definitely not going to pay someone $100 an hour to talk about that. Well maybe if someone was to post a deal on the deals section.....maybe 50% off the first 10 hours

[LordofthePing]

Here's a funny page: F My Life (http://www.fmylife.com/)

People submit stories about their f**ked up lives. They're fake, but funny.

Examples:


Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML


Today, I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met. After I picked her up I asked her if she would like to get lobster. She looked at me and asked if those were the red ones. Confused I nodded. She replied, "Sorry, I don't eat red meat." I laughed. She was serious. FML

[partytime2009]

I guess this forum is not the place to post a serious post. We have half of the world dealing with starvation and people actually get a laugh out of a starving child.

Karma is not always nice, and some of you better hope that people don't find humour in your misery

[sxz]

So you get amusement from children dying of hunger...you my friend are the biggest loser on earth.

No, I don't. What I do get is the understanding that life is not fair and just. There will always be people worse off than you in this world. You can live your life in self-pity or you can choose to accept reality for what it is and do some good. Your choice. You don't need a shrink to tell you that.

P.S. I see the photo was removed. I apologize if you were offended.

[partytime2009]

No, I don't. What I do get is the understanding that life is not fair and just. There will always be people worse off than you in this world. You can live your life in self-pity or you can choose to accept reality for what it is and do some good. Your choice. You don't need a shrink to tell you that.

Self pity? If you read my post instead of searching for a picture to laugh at on google, you would have read that I am very happy with my life, I just find it hard to come to terms that not everyone has the same opportunities I have, and obviously not the opportunities that you seem to take for granted.

You speak of this "reality" as if it is something that just happened randomly. Reality is whatever we as a collective society decide it should be. I totally agree with your advice to do some good, but it is difficult to help people if you cannot cope with their misery.

I was more looking for people who have learned of ways to keep the level of empathy that they feel to a healthy level, where they are actually able to deal with less fortunate people, and help them out without being emotionally and physically drained.

[Sprite09]

OP I envy you because most (90%) of my empathy is gone.

I, like many others have had hard and sometimes cruel situations in life. When I feel sad or I see someone crying or what ever, I just remind them, "there are many people who have been through what you have and the pain will pass."

I also remind them that no matter how bad their problems in life currently are, that there is always someone suffering 10X more than they are. So I give them a "put your problems in perspective" speech + "you are not alone" speech, others had the same problem and they eventually got better.


I've come to appreciate even the small nice things in life because I have experienced the very **** parts of life.

[partytime2009]

OP I envy you because most (90%) of my empathy is gone.

I, like many others have had hard and sometimes cruel situations in life. When I feel sad or I see someone crying or what ever, I just remind them, "there are many people who have been through what you have and the pain will pass."

I also remind them that no matter how bad their problems in life currently are, that there is always someone suffering 10X more than they are. So I give them a "put your problems in perspective" speech + "you are not alone" speech, others had the same problem and they eventually got better.

Yeah I totally hear you. Me personally, I have been through what most people would consider as a pretty tough life but to myself my life was a piece of cake. When I talk about how great my life is and has been people somehow assume that I grew up in wealth, never have had a health problem, and have always had everything that I have handed to me. The reason why I view my life so positively is because I have this heightened awareness of everyone else's misery. My problems have always seemed like a blessing compared to others, even those who some of us would consider much fortunate than myself.

So basically I don't have much of a problem dealing with setbacks in my life (I will admit that I really have had none so far), it is just that I have a heightened awareness to others' problems. One person's sad story can basically sadden me for an entire day and somehow that can't be "normal".

[sxz]

You want know how to cope with it? Take a look at some of the pictures posted here (not for the weak of heart): http://photosthatchangedtheworld.com/ then sit back in your chair and tell yourself: That's Life.

[Madchester]

I'm curious as to why the photo was removed. It was featured on the front page of the New York Times when it was first published and is probably one of the most memorable images of the 1990s.

The image was meant to inform not offend its viewers. It sure as hell didn't earn Kevin Carter a Pullitzer for being a "shock image".

[deltone]

I'm curious as to why the photo was removed. It was featured on the front page of the New York Times when it was first published and is probably one of the most memorable images of the 1990s.

The image was meant to inform not offend its viewers. It sure as hell didn't earn a Pullitzer for being a "shock image", nor was it the intention of Kevin Carter, the photographer.

My guess would be that it was removed not due to the picture itself but for the context in which it was posted. THAT was offensive and it was not the least bit funny and it's hard to imagine that anyone would find it so.

I totally get what the OP is talking about as I too have the same thing and up until reading this thread I never put my finger on what exactly it was that was troubling me and now I know. THANKS OP.

I actually did a google search and was shocked to find there are lots of sites that discuss this exact problem. I had no idea.

[heymikey]

In some ways, I can relate. There are times where I would feel guilty even changing the channel when one of those commercials about poor children shows up. I've seen bad things happen to really good people and it just makes you realize how random life is.

One way to cope is to realize that, despite the randomness of life, it usually evens out at the end. Those poor children who live in slums, despite all the poverty and squalor around them, usually are the happiest and most laid-back people you'll ever see. On the other hand, a lot of the people in developed countries who seem to have it all (relatively speaking) can be the most miserable people you'll ever meet. A lot of those Hollywood actors earning millions probably have sh|tty personal lives with their drug addictions, cheating spouses, lack of privacy, overall stress, etc., while people who don't have any usually don't end up with those problems.

[YoungDr3amer]

This is normal.

Do something postive.

EDIT:
You want know how to cope with it? Take a look at some of the pictures posted here (not for the weak of heart): http://photosthatchangedtheworld.com/ then sit back in your chair and tell yourself: That's Life.

Way to go humanity! We sure f*ck things up well.

[yuwing8]

OP, one thing you have to get straight is that:

Empathy is the ability to understand one's emotions and feelings, not necessarily have those emotions and feelings become you.

I believe what you have is a strong sense of sympathy, rather than empathy. Try not to let the emotions affect you.

What I would suggest is identify the emotions that you have, assess whether those emotions is what you should have, and doing something about it.

For example, if I listen to someone's sad story, I would become sad myself. Then I identify that I AM having sad emotions. I then think about why I'm sad. Then I assess whether or not I should have it. It's not MY life that's miserable, it's the other persons. Rather than feeling SAD myself (because it does nothing for the other person), I instead acknowledge that the person is having a miserable life that makes him/her sad. And then, I do everything I can to support the person and help him/her.

Don't let your emotions ruin your day, but use it as a tool to motivate you

[EmperorOfCanada]

My guess would be that it was removed not due to the picture itself but for the context in which it was posted. THAT was offensive and it was not the least bit funny and it's hard to imagine that anyone would find it so.

I totally get what the OP is talking about as I too have the same thing and up until reading this thread I never put my finger on what exactly it was that was troubling me and now I know. THANKS OP.

I actually did a google search and was shocked to find there are lots of sites that discuss this exact problem. I had no idea.

I have nearly the opposite problem. Strange how life works, no? Hopefully your 'realization' helps you better understand yourself =)

[ImJJ]

Thats why we have beer.

hmmm...Beer is good

[deltone]

I have nearly the opposite problem. Strange how life works, no? Hopefully your 'realization' helps you better understand yourself =)

I hope so too. I get it honestly enough as my mom is like that, to the nth degree actually. Now, my dad was the opposite. He basically didn't really give a sh*t about much (although he did love us and was always there for us), but as far as what affected others that were not his concern, well, he didn't feel it. My mom though always takes on everyone's pain and problems and unfortunately she's passed it on to me.

I'm working on it because it's not a very pleasant way to live your life. It's exhausting, time consuming and in so many ways, expensive, and I'm not just talking money wise.

Not sure I'd want to be the total opposite of what I am but would prefer a nice balance.

[Vashin]

I have this problem when I watch horror movies. It prevents me from watching too many. Otherwise not so much.

[Nikita]

OP I envy you because most (90%) of my empathy is gone.

I, like many others have had hard and sometimes cruel situations in life. When I feel sad or I see someone crying or what ever, I just remind them, "there are many people who have been through what you have and the pain will pass."

I also remind them that no matter how bad their problems in life currently are, that there is always someone suffering 10X more than they are. So I give them a "put your problems in perspective" speech + "you are not alone" speech, others had the same problem and they eventually got better.


I've come to appreciate even the small nice things in life because I have experienced the very **** parts of life.

When I have a problem of my own that seems overwhelming, I think that way (about the millions of others who have worse problems) and it does indeed give me a better perspective of my own problems. However, I'm not sure I agree with giving this kind of talk to someone else, IMO it minimizes their problems and invalidates their feelings. After all, rationally they already know someone somewhere has it worse. I think it's better to validate someone's feelings, sometimes that's all they need is to say when they are hurting, or what's going on in thier life that is so $hitty and have someone simply validate their feelings.

I know that's difficult for men especially to understand, most just want to 'fix it' for you, whatever fix it means to them. Personally, I'll listen till the cows come home, let them know I understand how they feel, that X, Y or Z really does suck, but that if there's anything I can do to help to let me know, or let them know I'm available anytime a talk, or a shoulder might help. And depending on what it is that's bothering the person, try to see if there's anything we can do about the situation. If not, IME the person will often see that more easily by talking it out with someone who takes them seriously, and perhaps realize that though there's nothing concrete that can be done, they will feel better.

Just my 2 cents and my experience that sometimes just validating someone's feelings and listening to them helps, and in fact is sometimes the best and/or only thing you can do about it.

[Sprite09]

Nobody posted this? You guys too slow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

[partytime2009]

When I have a problem of my own that seems overwhelming, I think that way (about the millions of others who have worse problems) and it does indeed give me a better perspective of my own problems. However, I'm not sure I agree with giving this kind of talk to someone else, IMO it minimizes their problems and invalidates their feelings. After all, rationally they already know someone somewhere has it worse. I think it's better to validate someone's feelings, sometimes that's all they need is to say when they are hurting, or what's going on in thier life that is so $hitty and have someone simply validate their feelings.

I know that's difficult for men especially to understand, most just want to 'fix it' for you, whatever fix it means to them. Personally, I'll listen till the cows come home, let them know I understand how they feel, that X, Y or Z really does suck, but that if there's anything I can do to help to let me know, or let them know I'm available anytime a talk, or a shoulder might help. And depending on what it is that's bothering the person, try to see if there's anything we can do about the situation. If not, IME the person will often see that more easily by talking it out with someone who takes them seriously, and perhaps realize that though there's nothing concrete that can be done, they will feel better.

Just my 2 cents and my experience that sometimes just validating someone's feelings and listening to them helps, and in fact is sometimes the best and/or only thing you can do about it.

Yeah I totally agree, but a lot of you are missing the point. I am looking for ways to better cope with other people's life problems, NOT MY OWN. I am happy with where my life is at and don't need any advice regarding myself specifically.

But to those of you who have read my posts and replied, I agree with most of what you say. Having said that, I will probably just revert back to trying to be more selfish and avoiding listening to people's problems to protect myself.

[spookie149]

Yeah I totally agree, but a lot of you are missing the point. I am looking for ways to better cope with other people's life problems, NOT MY OWN. I am happy with where my life is at and don't need any advice regarding myself specifically.

But to those of you who have read my posts and replied, I agree with most of what you say. Having said that, I will probably just revert back to trying to be more selfish and avoiding listening to people's problems to protect myself.

OP I'm the same way. I struggle with it too. It's nice knowing I'm not the only one who sometimes feels this way. Does this sadness only when you hear others are sad, or do you share feelings of others who display other emotions as well? Generally speaking I am a very emotionally reactive person. I've been this way since I was born. My normal self is someone who is very happy, excitable, quick-to-laugh. However, when someone is angry I become irritable too. If someone is sad, my mood plummets as well. I've always associated it with being a people person and having a great deal of concern for those I love and surround myself with.

I'm sure you've thought of this already, but really the only thing I've thought of to beat being sad is to think of things which make me happy. Or, take a deep few deep breaths and count to ten to center yourself privately. It's difficult and doesn't always work, but it may help you re-focus.

[Yu_Qing]

OP,

I think you need to realize that life is just not fair in general. It's a sad truth, but no one is entitled to anything in this world, and sometimes other people might make things even more difficult for the person who's already suffering.


I appreciate that by you being empathetic with your friend's situation, you are a compassionate person who can identify hardship and pain. But to be depressed over someone else's problem doesn't exactly help his situation either. Do what you can to help him- give him a place to stay temporarily if he needs it, help him sharpen up his resume for further opportunities, or just offer your companionship to show he's not alone.

You can't control what's already done- your friend's job loss, kids starving in africa (btw, to whomever it was that posted the picture of the poor child and the vulture, passing it off as a form of amusement: go f**k yourself), war in <<Insert country here>>...etc. -But the simple act of kindness can help a long way.

Don't be depressed. It's not going to help him.