Parenting & Family

Arguments between wife and my mother over our kid

  • Last Updated:
  • Aug 8th, 2020 5:02 pm
Deal Addict
User avatar
Sep 9, 2007
2153 posts
225 upvotes
Toronto

Arguments between wife and my mother over our kid

To make long story short: my mother has been packing my older one(2.5 y/o) old with chocolates during our visits. She would take the kid to another room and give him candies, chocolates, bars etc. Wife has mentioned this to me on a number of occasions and i started noticing the "let's go i'll show you something" moments which I ignored earlier. The sweets make my kid attracted to her more than the other grandmother(this one actually listens). I didn't bring this up for some time but then caught her in an action and asked politely not to give my son chocolates at 9pm. 30 minutes later I sense another wrongdoing and catch a kid with a bar in his hands. I snatched it out of his hands and told my mother with a raised voice that I think i made it clear today not to give him stuff before his bedtime.

Then later in a week came a slew of arguments with tons of crap piled against me and my wife. I made it clear that this is my child, i raise and parent him(my mother spends minimal to no-time with him except when we visit my parents) and I make the rules. My mother has agreed not to do this again but as i expected my words went ignored and I have again witnessed the chocolate kindness of my mother. Wife is furious and is willing to cut visit times and vacationing together with my parents.

Anyone been in these situations? I don't think we've overreacted with the sweets for our kid late night.
53 replies
Jr. Member
Feb 14, 2013
174 posts
24 upvotes
[QUOTE]told my mother with a raised voice that ... I made it clear that this is my child,... I make the rules[/QUOTE]

Instead of explaining it as "I make the rules, so there," try explaining it in terms of health, socialization and growth. If you do it well, they will be on your side. It's a good parenting skill
Deal Fanatic
Aug 29, 2006
7750 posts
1635 upvotes
From what you wrote, it sounded like you kinda already made a conclusion about why she is doing it but is that really it, to be liked by the grand son or your son has a way to beg her knowing she is the weakest link ??

Sounds like you guys need to talk and may be leave the son issues aside and find out what is happening, could be something with her and your wife or your in laws.
The Devil made me buy it - RFD. :twisted:
Sr. Member
May 12, 2014
997 posts
822 upvotes
Markham, ON
If you're not visiting the chocolate grandmother that often, I'd personally let it go. If it's just once a week or every other week, not a fight I'm willing to do. How come you're still at the grandmother's after 9 pm? I usually leave homes I'm visiting at 8 to make sure my kids are in bed close to their regular 8 pm.
Banned
User avatar
Jun 8, 2008
3977 posts
1423 upvotes
Toronto
I don't think you've overreacted - the chocolate bars at 9 PM are bad enough, but the arguments against you and wife are probably even more damaging :( My inlaws gave the kids pop early on, and I finally had to say look, this isn't funny, its not cute or a joke, I don't want them to have it. They finally started to respect my wishes but I had to be very blunt about it all. If you've already told your mom you don't want her giving your son chocolate, and she continues to do it, in part, I'd be concerned about memory issues with your mom - talk to her a little (or your dad if he's around) to find out if there are other things that she forgets -- and if that's not the case, then I would just say if we can't trust you around our child, you won't be seeing him as often.
Deal Expert
User avatar
Mar 9, 2007
15620 posts
13284 upvotes
Think of the Childre…
Tell your mom that your son is allergic to chocolates and that he can't have any.

WOULD SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
May 25, 2009
9113 posts
2403 upvotes
I don't think you're overreacting, got to put your foot down with grandparents. Some are just too happy-go-lucky and want to make their grandkids happy and not have any malicious intent, they just let it override their better judgement.

You've already explained your position and reasoning, if she refuses to respect it then you need to escalate and communicate the threat of cutting down visits and actually carry it out. Hopefully that'll make them come to their senses.
"God's in His heaven. All's right with the world." - Robert Browning (1812-1889)
Newbie
Sep 18, 2014
29 posts
7 upvotes
Toronto, ON
You need DWIL (google it).
Deal Expert
Oct 6, 2005
16872 posts
2557 upvotes
Put your foot down - or else your wife will think you're a mommy's boy and look away in disgust :)
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Jan 17, 2002
7777 posts
948 upvotes
Toronto
Seems like she needs a good long timeout from seeing her grandchildren if she cannot control her impulses or respect you or your wife. It is just plain common sense not to give them sweets at that time of day. It sounds like she still doesn't agree with you and wants to have control.
Deal Expert
Aug 26, 2002
15719 posts
7445 upvotes
Toronto, ON
The kid is 2.5 y/o. There are more healthier options in terms of snacks that your mother can give to the child than chocolate and the kid wouldn't care. So suggest or go out and buy those snacks for your mother and tell her to give those instead of chocolate.

This is a common problem and I go through it with my family. My mother tries to give our kids "treats" and my wife doesn't like it. At the very least, the grandmother should ask for permission first and shouldn't be sneaky about it at all. And the last thing you want is for the grandmother to tell the kid "this is between you and me, don't tell your parents". You don't want the child growing up thinking it's ok to lie or hide things from the parents.
Deal Expert
User avatar
Jun 9, 2003
25310 posts
2536 upvotes
Markham, ON
simple...you are with your wife 7 days a week...your mom...much less.

happy wife...happy life...you figure out the rest.

Tell your mom to stop giving candy else...you stop letting her in or going to her house.

Case solved
Sr. Member
Jan 2, 2007
933 posts
48 upvotes
Tell your kid that every time he accepts chocolate from grandma Santa Claus will kill a reindeer.
Deal Fanatic
Oct 1, 2004
6651 posts
995 upvotes
GTA
If you were raised ok, I would trust her judgements.... If its monthly or longer visits just let it go, you owe her that much for raising you for 20 years. I'm willing to bet when you were young your grandparents spoiled you as well.
Deal Guru
User avatar
Mar 31, 2008
13011 posts
3095 upvotes
Toronto
Sounds like your mother is a reverse klepto chocolate and candy maniac. Don't escalate verbally. Time to cut out your mother or parents. Just do it subtly.
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
May 25, 2009
9113 posts
2403 upvotes
greg123 wrote: If you were raised ok, I would trust her judgements.... If its monthly or longer visits just let it go, you owe her that much for raising you for 20 years. I'm willing to bet when you were young your grandparents spoiled you as well.
I disagree with this, yes you owe your parents a crap ton, a massive debt that can't be repaid. But that doesn't mean they should be given a free pass to make bad judgement.

Most grandparents just can't help themselves, they see their grandkids happy and responding well or favourably to certain actions and they can't control themselves. We have to deal with it with our parents too sometimes and we just put our foot down.
"God's in His heaven. All's right with the world." - Robert Browning (1812-1889)
Deal Addict
Nov 17, 2003
1025 posts
104 upvotes
Maple
I haven't read the other replies, but I am in the same boat. My MIL also does not listen and also plies my child with junk food and tons of screen time. Hubby and I are in the same boat re: how to raise our child, but in laws do not listen. I have shown them studies, we've spoken with them, they know the harm, but they continue (specifically my MIL). I really wrestled with how to work this because we love family time, and my child (obviously) loves going to his grandparents because he gets whatever he wants. Ultimately, I decided that we can let these transgressions go when we visit, and we just have to let our child know he won't get that treatment at home.

It still bothers me a lot when I visit and I see my MIL do all those things, especially when I tell her outright not to. I haven't figured out why grandparents do this. We try to limit his visits now.

Maybe you can gently tell your parents that if they continue, you will have no choice but to limit visits. That may scare them.
Member
Jun 23, 2006
386 posts
148 upvotes
Ugh, my mom's like this with the iPad for the kids (4 & 2). When we visit, it's a chance for the grandparents and grandkids to develop a relationship, not to be spent in front of a dumb screen. Grandma would sneak it in the same way OP's situation, "Hey let me show you something cool". Ok fine, one clip of Wheel on the Bus, but not 10 as YouTube keeps suggesting after the video is done. Mom would then accuse me and hubby for being uptight and that our kids will grow up technophobes and lacking somehow. Actually I think they're going to learn to operate any device they want within 5 mins in their hands but it takes time and effort to build a genuine relationship. I have no idea why I can't get around to my mom about the importance of this.
Deal Addict
Mar 24, 2015
1404 posts
739 upvotes
Ottawa, ON
I was in the same boat when I was seeing my in-laws too much. Now I see them less, they are out of the country during the winter months and when they are here, we see them once or twice a month. Now it doesn't bother me that much when grandpa gives a chocolate right before dinner time. I would also tell my son to just wait after diner to have it and I make sure grandpa is hearing it. I've said it maybe 2-3 times, now they have started to ask me if it's ok to give a chocolate. If they forget to ask, it doesn't bother me. We don't see them that much.

Like others have suggested, just see her less for a certain time. Your child is also only 2 years old, but when he's older you will be able to talk to him about what he should do in these situations. My son is 5 and everytime he gets a candy or chocolate he would come ask me or my husband if he can eat it. We say yes most of the time, unless there's peanut which he is allergic to.
Deal Addict
User avatar
Jul 15, 2003
3566 posts
1038 upvotes
Ontario, Canada
Every time i read something like this i thank the space-time continuum that both my parents and my inlaws are actual sane and socially adjusted people. They want to spoil my kid. so they asked. and we set some groundrules on how much they could do. and they abide by them.

You made a reasonable request that she stop doing something. She is purposefully ignoring you and doing the opposite because she cares more about what she wants than what you request. And then when you repeatedly re-iterate it she throws a tantrum. It's amazing how many people actually go through their entire lives like this. Not maturing past the 2.5 yr old stage.

One friend who had a similar problem asked his mother in law if she would continue feeding sweets to the neighbour's kid if the neighbours asked her to stop. She said of course she would stop. He asked her why. She said because "it would be rude not to stop after being asked". He said "So you wouldn't want to be rude to your neighbours but you're perfectly fine being rude to me and your daughter?" MIL went to respond and stopped dead as she actually thought about. I'd say this is a rare case where it actually work and MIL was actually able to listen to logic. Most would probably just progress directly into tantrum stage. But it's worth a shot.

Top

Thread Information

There is currently 1 user viewing this thread. (0 members and 1 guest)