Parenting & Family

Couple living with parents in new home

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  • Jun 17th, 2018 2:19 pm
[OP]
Sr. Member
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Oct 13, 2009
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Couple living with parents in new home

Financially it makes sense to live with family/parents, but is it better to live with a buffer zone between you and them?
Last edited by D0ntgiveajack on May 30th, 2018 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
:rolleyes:
25 replies
Newbie
Oct 14, 2014
92 posts
35 upvotes
GTA
I bought a house with my parents in 2016 (similarly, them downstairs and us upstairs), however we do not share any of the living space as they have their own kitchen etc.

I did come to see (or have been reminded of) more sides of my parents than I care to know about. It made me think of what it must be like to see old highschool classmates again after 20 years, and you find that they haven't grown up at all. To top it off, they have a dog that I was initially ambivalent about, but now annoys me.

Also, my career has taken off faster than I anticipated before the purchase and I would benefit substantially from moving closer to work, but they are not flexible in selling or us renting out our portion of the house. Things to think about...
Sr. Member
Mar 24, 2015
718 posts
175 upvotes
Ottawa, ON
D0ntgiveajack wrote:
May 30th, 2018 12:13 pm
I own a 4 bdr home; expecting a baby with partner.

My parents suggested I rent out my current home and move in to a newer, larger home with them. They would live in the basement but the main kitchen would be shared.

Financially, it makes sense (receive rent $, own another property) but will I go insane living with parents again?
What does your spouse think about that?
I had my in-laws for 7 months when my son was 1yr old and it didn't go too well after a few months living together. The hardest time for living with parents/in-laws is when kids are involved because sometimes boundaries are not respected.
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Jul 5, 2004
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I would go crazy and would never do that, but to each their own
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Deal Fanatic
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Mar 23, 2008
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Edmonton
How can anybody tell you that it will or won't work? Every situation is different.

I'm with some of the others if the option came up talking to my parents, though... No way in heck.

C
Sr. Member
Nov 29, 2017
802 posts
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Questions for you and your partner to consider:
Do you need free babysitting help? And Help with household chores?
Do you need to save money?
Do you fully understand the tenant, maintenance and tax issues with rental property?
Do you value your privacy?
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Apr 8, 2007
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We have a similar option but chose not to do it.

Both sets of in-laws are great, but they definitely interfere with our parenting, ESPECIALLY the discipline part. They cannot tolerate the children crying and give in to their every whim. The children know this and play them like a fiddle. We also get in trouble for being "too strict". They also allow them to "give up" if things are difficult or upset them.. As I like to joke, they've gone "soft" now they have grandkids.

If your parents are good at respecting boundaries and your wife will be okay with sharing the household with your parents, then it could work.

I think it's really important for a couple to figure out how they work as a team, especially when children come along. It's a big adjustment and having inlaws living in the same house will impact the development of this relationship with your partner. I know if my inlaws were living with us, my hubby would NOT have learned to be as helpful as he is now because he'd know his mom was there to pick up his slack, and I wasn't cool with that.
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Aug 22, 2011
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Not living with either of our parents was a condition we agreed on before we got married.
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Dec 4, 2009
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Buffer? At least a street or 2 away...
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Lucky
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Jun 26, 2005
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A big part depends on your culture. Asian (Chinese), its very normal.

After I got married, we lived at my parents house for 4-5 years, shared everything, I helped do chores, paid their bills, helped with laundry, wash dishes, etc, Mom cooked for us, which was great, you come home at 6pm (after 50min of traffic jam, dead tired) and fresh, hot dinner is ready. Afterwards, my wife and I would go out, meet with friends or something.

In the meantime, we saved money, and after that, we bought our condo, 100% cash, no mortgage. No mortgage is amazing. We had so much disposable income. That was a big reason for our success right now.
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Dec 11, 2008
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I'd never. I can't even imagine moving back to my parents if I were single again somehow.

Me and my husband both agreed that our parents would drive us crazy. The only person who may be tolerable would be my dad.
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Mar 21, 2010
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I would rather live in a rundown illegal basement student apartment than live with my parents. Nothing against them, the same goes for anyone who's not my significant other or kids. And that's even if it was 'my house'... if it's really their house (because let's face it, if they contribute any material amount, they will expect to act like parents), not a chance.
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Maybe it's a culture thing.

I'm hoping everyone above that says they'd rather die than live with their parents will try to stop this cycle.

When we grow up to be parents, we should foster a loving family environment. One that your kids will be happy to stay or live with you.

We are the internet aged people, so whatever reasons you deemed that made your parents horrible to live with (stubborn, crazy, unreasonable, etc), let's not let ourselves turn into the same thing later.

So our kids will not say the same thing about us. If we are smart enough to use a Smartphone and internet to post on RFD, then I believe we should be smart enough to be self aware to avoid the same pitfalls and not become the same undeseriable "roomates" as our parents did.

Esp in Toronto where the cost of living is so high in 2018, it is only going to increase. Our homes now will be passed onto the next generation, and they most likely cannot afford to move out (that's already happening in 2018).

More reasons why we as parents need to be better than our parents, if the comments above are true.
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rfdrfd wrote:
Jun 5th, 2018 4:24 pm
Maybe it's a culture thing.

I'm hoping everyone above that says they'd rather die than live with their parents will try to stop this cycle.

When we grow up to be parents, we should foster a loving family environment. One that your kids will be happy to stay or live with you.

We are the internet aged people, so whatever reasons you deemed that made your parents horrible to live with (stubborn, crazy, unreasonable, etc), let's not let ourselves turn into the same thing later.

So our kids will not say the same thing about us. If we are smart enough to use a Smartphone and internet to post on RFD, then I believe we should be smart enough to be self aware to avoid the same pitfalls and not become the same undeseriable "roomates" as our parents did.

Esp in Toronto where the cost of living is so high in 2018, it is only going to increase. Our homes now will be passed onto the next generation, and they most likely cannot afford to move out (that's already happening in 2018).

More reasons why we as parents need to be better than our parents, if the comments above are true.
I think most parents are considered smart enough for their time, so we would inevitably fall into the same pattern where our own kids would consider us outdated eventually. This happens with every generation.

There's pros and cons to living with parents/in-laws. Each family is different and you just have to weigh your own pros and cons and see if it's worth it. It's important to note that it's much easier to move in together than to move out afterwards, especially if your parents later become dependent on you (health or financial) and you will feel like you are putting them out of their home if you want to sell your common property.

I also think for my own parents, they've found their own peace and hobbies once kids have moved out. They have spent the majority of their adult life caring for their kids, it's not always bad for them to have their own time now. You can retain a loving family environment even if you don't live with your parents.
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Mar 21, 2010
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rfdrfd wrote:
Jun 5th, 2018 4:24 pm
Maybe it's a culture thing.

I'm hoping everyone above that says they'd rather die than live with their parents will try to stop this cycle.

When we grow up to be parents, we should foster a loving family environment. One that your kids will be happy to stay or live with you.

We are the internet aged people, so whatever reasons you deemed that made your parents horrible to live with (stubborn, crazy, unreasonable, etc), let's not let ourselves turn into the same thing later.

So our kids will not say the same thing about us. If we are smart enough to use a Smartphone and internet to post on RFD, then I believe we should be smart enough to be self aware to avoid the same pitfalls and not become the same undeseriable "roomates" as our parents did.

Esp in Toronto where the cost of living is so high in 2018, it is only going to increase. Our homes now will be passed onto the next generation, and they most likely cannot afford to move out (that's already happening in 2018).

More reasons why we as parents need to be better than our parents, if the comments above are true.
I can only speak for myself, but it's not because my parents are in any way bad people. I had a good and supportive childhood. They have strong views on some things, sure, don't we all - but they aren't oppressive or quarrelsome. I just feel like it's normal that at 18 you move out to go to college or university, maybe have roommates while you study and start out in the working world, but then you move out, maybe meet someone and start your own family. I couldn't deal with 'going back'. The days of me living with 'other people' are long gone, and the most important thing for me is being independent and having my own space. This is something I've voted with my wallet on - I was offered (and did for a time) the opportunity to live rent free with others in a perfectly nice apartment in an expensive area, and I chose to move out and pay out of pocket for my own place.

I personally think that's natural and part of becoming a self-sufficient adult. Other people think it's normal to live in the family home forever, or to purchase a home that their parents can live in too. That's just not for me, regardless of whether it's my parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, friends etc. - living with other people (other than 'my family') is unnatural to me, nothing to do with how amazing these people are as people.

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