Parenting & Family

Couple living with parents in new home

  • Last Updated:
  • Sep 8th, 2018 12:47 pm
Deal Fanatic
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Jun 26, 2005
8618 posts
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Toronto
Glad to hear. the above replies.

For myself, I've tried to continue the "good" with my kids and stop the 'bad" habits of my parents generation.

Like, if my kid is hungry but we are going out for dinner at a restaurant (I'm Chinese, and we do that a lot in our family, its the norm), my Mom would tell me "no, save your appetite for dinner". For me, that Chinese restaurant food isn't that healthy anyways (Fried pork, fried veggies, fried tofu, ) I let my kid eat a granola bar at home before we go. Granola bar is more healthy imo than whatever we are serving at the restaurant.

So I will try my best to be a "cool" Dad that is fair and not continue the silly-ness of the older geneeration, so when I become old, I don't end up doing the same as before.
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Dec 4, 2013
674 posts
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Surrey, BC (GVR)
As long as neither party takes advantage of the other, and mutual respect is there, Im all for it. I have 5 kids, 2 adults, and I tell them all the time, stay as long as you can, build a nest egg, then when you are ready leave. If they are partying all the time, spending all their money, and never clean up after themselves, then its time to part ways. Im not sure why people are not able to compromise to better themselves or help help their family if needed.
Please check my feedback:
RFD
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Heatware
Sr. Member
Jan 16, 2007
922 posts
227 upvotes
Toronto
In China, if you are the son, you and your spouse is expected to live together with mom and dad, unless your family is connected and filthy rich.

I remember when I was young, there were some really bad fights between parents and grand parents. But as everyone got older, things mellowed out and just lived our lives.

I personally won't have to do it since my parents are fairly well off and have a big house. They refused to sell house for a smaller place/condo. I won't be moving in anytime soon.

But when they get to the point of being elderly and dependent on me, we'll see then. I believe it all comes down to the necessity of it regardless of you wanting to or not.
Member
Aug 7, 2014
436 posts
155 upvotes
D0ntgiveajack wrote:
May 30th, 2018 12:13 pm
Financially it makes sense to live with family/parents, but is it better to live with a buffer zone between you and them?
My son and his girlfriend saved up some $200,000 before they moved out.

Buffer zone? That depends on the relationship and tolerance of u and your girlfriend towards your parents, and vice versa. Some may need a buffer zone and some do not.

------
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."--Mark Twain.
Deal Fanatic
Jun 24, 2006
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Who owns the house? The parents or the couple?
Deal Fanatic
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Dec 27, 2009
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Ottawa, ON
rfdrfd wrote:
Jun 5th, 2018 4:24 pm
Maybe it's a culture thing.

I'm hoping everyone above that says they'd rather die than live with their parents will try to stop this cycle.

When we grow up to be parents, we should foster a loving family environment. One that your kids will be happy to stay or live with you.

We are the internet aged people, so whatever reasons you deemed that made your parents horrible to live with (stubborn, crazy, unreasonable, etc), let's not let ourselves turn into the same thing later.

So our kids will not say the same thing about us. If we are smart enough to use a Smartphone and internet to post on RFD, then I believe we should be smart enough to be self aware to avoid the same pitfalls and not become the same undeseriable "roomates" as our parents did.

Esp in Toronto where the cost of living is so high in 2018, it is only going to increase. Our homes now will be passed onto the next generation, and they most likely cannot afford to move out (that's already happening in 2018).

More reasons why we as parents need to be better than our parents, if the comments above are true.
I consider it successful parenting if you raise independent kids. I couldn't wait to get out on my own. I would never want to live with my parents. Why would I want my 25 year old daughter living with me? I'd rather know she's become an adult and capable of taking care of herself.
Member
Apr 9, 2004
328 posts
57 upvotes
London
My husband and I build a custom home in 2011 with my mother in law. My father in law passed away a year prior in just before 50. We split the cost of the home 50/50. We split household utilities 66/33 and house expenses at 50/50. My mother in law has 1200 sq feet in the walk out basement, we have 2500 sq feet upstairs. Separate entrances, 2 kitchens, 2 laundry rooms. Financially, it's a no-brainer (for all of us). We have some light ground rules (main floor is fair game during the day), she can come and hang out with the grand-kids whenever she wants, we don't generally encroach her space unless invited. She does not go upstairs unless baby sitting/we are not home. She does 0 yard work/snow removal. If she needs a light-bulb changed or something fixed it's just a walk downstairs rather than across the city. We always have someone to watch the cat/dog if we go away. She gets someone to swap over tires and do car repair. We have fire and sound proofing between our area and her area. Separate phone lines, shared cable TV. We clean our area, she cleans hers. Buy separate groceries, but if we're out of milk I know where I might be able to grab a bag. If we do a trip to Costco, we'll grab whatever she asks for. We pay everything upfront and settle on finances every 3 months.
Deal Expert
Aug 2, 2004
28781 posts
4057 upvotes
East Gwillimbury
oddduck wrote:
Jun 11th, 2018 1:12 pm
My husband and I build a custom home in 2011 with my mother in law. My father in law passed away a year prior in just before 50. We split the cost of the home 50/50. We split household utilities 66/33 and house expenses at 50/50. My mother in law has 1200 sq feet in the walk out basement, we have 2500 sq feet upstairs. Separate entrances, 2 kitchens, 2 laundry rooms. Financially, it's a no-brainer (for all of us). We have some light ground rules (main floor is fair game during the day), she can come and hang out with the grand-kids whenever she wants, we don't generally encroach her space unless invited. She does not go upstairs unless baby sitting/we are not home. She does 0 yard work/snow removal. If she needs a light-bulb changed or something fixed it's just a walk downstairs rather than across the city. We always have someone to watch the cat/dog if we go away. She gets someone to swap over tires and do car repair. We have fire and sound proofing between our area and her area. Separate phone lines, shared cable TV. We clean our area, she cleans hers. Buy separate groceries, but if we're out of milk I know where I might be able to grab a bag. If we do a trip to Costco, we'll grab whatever she asks for. We pay everything upfront and settle on finances every 3 months.
You’re definitely not Chinese.
Member
Oct 14, 2014
265 posts
174 upvotes
Southern Ontario
rfdrfd wrote:
Jun 5th, 2018 4:24 pm
Maybe it's a culture thing.

I'm hoping everyone above that says they'd rather die than live with their parents will try to stop this cycle.

When we grow up to be parents, we should foster a loving family environment. One that your kids will be happy to stay or live with you.

We are the internet aged people, so whatever reasons you deemed that made your parents horrible to live with (stubborn, crazy, unreasonable, etc), let's not let ourselves turn into the same thing later.

So our kids will not say the same thing about us. If we are smart enough to use a Smartphone and internet to post on RFD, then I believe we should be smart enough to be self aware to avoid the same pitfalls and not become the same undeseriable "roomates" as our parents did.

Esp in Toronto where the cost of living is so high in 2018, it is only going to increase. Our homes now will be passed onto the next generation, and they most likely cannot afford to move out (that's already happening in 2018).

More reasons why we as parents need to be better than our parents, if the comments above are true.
Favourite thing I read today. Thanks
Deal Fanatic
Oct 1, 2004
5225 posts
375 upvotes
Toronto
Gee wrote:
Jun 16th, 2018 5:49 pm
You’re definitely not Chinese.
+1 LOL

Clearly taking advantage of the MIL in every way financially possible. Really surprised the husband went along with it, guess he doesn't wear the pants in the house.

I would never ask money from my parents or in laws period, even if they have to live with us due to whatever reason in the future.
Deal Expert
Aug 2, 2004
28781 posts
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East Gwillimbury
greg123 wrote:
Jun 17th, 2018 10:06 am
I would never ask money from my parents or in laws period, even if they have to live with us due to whatever reason in the future.
You're definitely Chinese.
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Jun 26, 2005
8618 posts
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Toronto
lefroset wrote:
Jun 16th, 2018 9:30 pm
Favourite thing I read today. Thanks
Thanks for the kind words, made my daySlightly Smiling Face
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Jun 26, 2005
8618 posts
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Toronto
oddduck wrote:
Jun 11th, 2018 1:12 pm
My husband and I build a custom home in 2011 with my mother in law. My father in law passed away a year prior in just before 50. We split the cost of the home 50/50. We split household utilities 66/33 and house expenses at 50/50. My mother in law has 1200 sq feet in the walk out basement, we have 2500 sq feet upstairs. Separate entrances, 2 kitchens, 2 laundry rooms. Financially, it's a no-brainer (for all of us). We have some light ground rules (main floor is fair game during the day), she can come and hang out with the grand-kids whenever she wants, we don't generally encroach her space unless invited. She does not go upstairs unless baby sitting/we are not home. She does 0 yard work/snow removal. If she needs a light-bulb changed or something fixed it's just a walk downstairs rather than across the city. We always have someone to watch the cat/dog if we go away. She gets someone to swap over tires and do car repair. We have fire and sound proofing between our area and her area. Separate phone lines, shared cable TV. We clean our area, she cleans hers. Buy separate groceries, but if we're out of milk I know where I might be able to grab a bag. If we do a trip to Costco, we'll grab whatever she asks for. We pay everything upfront and settle on finances every 3 months.
Maybe your MIL is a rough person to live with, of course I don't know, but the above situation seems a bit cold to me.

If I was to live with parents or in laws, it would be 100% their house too. Financially I'd be paying for everything, and they can treat it like their house for all things.

Besides, they will die in 20 or so years, so situation isn't forever even if it's unbearable.

Yes, I'm Chinese.
Deal Fanatic
Feb 9, 2009
6493 posts
3609 upvotes
My neighbors are indian and the son and wife live with the parents -- was the parents home then the son got older and he's pretty much taken over and the parents have their own bedroom (moved out of master).

They have 3 other daughters, 2 have moved out and one still at home ... big family. But it works for them but the Dad told me the son will take over the house -- kinda didn't agree as the daughters will be shunned out of an inheritance - not my business but that's the one thing I didn't like about it... otherwise if it works for people it works for them.
Deal Addict
Mar 21, 2010
4007 posts
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Toronto
rfdrfd wrote:
Jun 19th, 2018 10:15 am
Maybe your MIL is a rough person to live with, of course I don't know, but the above situation seems a bit cold to me.

If I was to live with parents or in laws, it would be 100% their house too. Financially I'd be paying for everything, and they can treat it like their house for all things.
I guess that's the cultural difference, and if you're okay with it then it's great for all concerned. From my point of view though - and apologies if you find this cold, not meaning to be harsh but just how I see things - when I became an adult, got my degree, etc., I started my own family. Me, my significant other, and any future kids, that's the family. My parents will always be my parents, but it isn't a "boss and subordinate" kind of relationship any more, it isn't a "yes mom I'll do it" relationship, it's now a relationship between adults, on a more equal footing. If there is something that isn't perfect, we negotiate and compromise and decide for ourselves. Sometimes I just have to say sorry, I don't agree - and I don't feel obligated to make sure they are happy with the outcome. Likewise I don't see myself as being able to assume being protected by them anymore. If (touch wood) I lost my job and home, I wouldn't expect that I could just walk in and sleep in my old bedroom for as long as I want, or borrow their money, or anything like that.

Would I help out if they needed help and I could? Absolutely. But at the same time, I don't live my life for them. I spent part of my childhood growing up in a Chinese culture, and have several friends (both male and female) who are late 30s - mid 40s, very smart people, good professional jobs, set for life etc. - but their whole lives outside of work are fulfilling everything their parents want. They have no social lives, have never really been in a relationship, basically never leave home without their mom or dad except for work, and have no time for anything else. They're not particularly happy about it, but they feel obligated. I feel bad for them because when their parents are gone, they will probably be late 50s at least and have nothing left (other than a huge pile of money, okay RFD). I'm not suggesting it's bad, it's someone else's culture after all, but it makes me a little sad that they feel trapped like that (not assuming, they've told me so).

I guess if there's a positive message, it's that we can all coexist as neighbours while having such varied views about something as critical in life as what a family is. Which is a good thing, in my opinion.

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