Parenting & Family

Couple living with parents in new home

  • Last Updated:
  • Sep 8th, 2018 12:47 pm
Member
Oct 14, 2014
325 posts
200 upvotes
Southern Ontario
Jerickjane wrote:
Jul 6th, 2018 12:27 am
It is mainly of the generation gap I think so. The way in which you think might be totally different from their thinking. Why do you both stay as different families in the same house? Is there any internal conflicts between you and your parents? They might be thinking that they will loose their privacy when you rent out your portion. It might be because of that they are unwilling to rent out your portion.
Internal conflict? A bit, but nothing terrible. The house is pretty well set up as two separate units, so the division was a natural and appreciated consequence of the house design. We may have been able to work with a more blended situation if they didn’t have the dog: it is really nervous around young children, and before we bought this place together there was already an unfortunate encounter between that dog and my oldest child.
Newbie
Jul 3, 2018
17 posts
2 upvotes
Ok. I can understand your situation. Try to convince your parents about the dog issue and how terrible the condition will be when a dog bites the kid.
Member
Oct 14, 2014
325 posts
200 upvotes
Southern Ontario
Jerickjane wrote:
Jul 6th, 2018 4:46 am
Ok. I can understand your situation. Try to convince your parents about the dog issue and how terrible the condition will be when a dog bites the kid.
The dog situation is well understood in the household. It’s never in the backyard or porch at the same time as my kids, and if we visit in their space, the dog is put in a bedroom.
Deal Fanatic
Oct 1, 2004
5274 posts
376 upvotes
Toronto
Gee wrote:
Jun 17th, 2018 2:19 pm
You're definitely Chinese.
I don't see what my race have to do with it? If two people spend their prime wiping my ass clean, then take care of me all the way to adulthood, why shouldn't I pay them back when they need it the most?
Deal Expert
Aug 2, 2004
29056 posts
4187 upvotes
East Gwillimbury
greg123 wrote:
Jul 9th, 2018 2:06 pm
I don't see what my race have to do with it? If two people spend their prime wiping my ass clean, then take care of me all the way to adulthood, why shouldn't I pay them back when they need it the most?
It has nothing to do with race. It is an ideology. Lots of people tend to kick their kids out of the house as soon as they finish school. If they don't kick them out, they charge them rent. Once you get married, you have your own family and responsibilities. Your parents take a back seat or simply forgotten. No pay back. Chinese, Italians etc have a different philosophy. Your kids will always be your children regardless of age and they can live at home till they get married. After marriage, there is sense of obligation to the parents. It is not expected, but it's there.

I agree with you. You spend time wiping your kid's ass when they're babies, they can wipe your ass when you get older.
Member
Sep 24, 2005
243 posts
5 upvotes
ckay1980 wrote:
May 30th, 2018 12:41 pm
What does your spouse think about that?
I had my in-laws for 7 months when my son was 1yr old and it didn't go too well after a few months living together. The hardest time for living with parents/in-laws is when kids are involved because sometimes boundaries are not respected.
This is my current nightmare I’m living in.. how do you deal with this without any feelings getting hurt?
Penalty Box
User avatar
Dec 13, 2016
2220 posts
1679 upvotes
rfdrfd wrote:
Jun 5th, 2018 4:24 pm
Maybe it's a culture thing.

I'm hoping everyone above that says they'd rather die than live with their parents will try to stop this cycle.

When we grow up to be parents, we should foster a loving family environment. One that your kids will be happy to stay or live with you.

We are the internet aged people, so whatever reasons you deemed that made your parents horrible to live with (stubborn, crazy, unreasonable, etc), let's not let ourselves turn into the same thing later.

So our kids will not say the same thing about us. If we are smart enough to use a Smartphone and internet to post on RFD, then I believe we should be smart enough to be self aware to avoid the same pitfalls and not become the same undeseriable "roomates" as our parents did.

Esp in Toronto where the cost of living is so high in 2018, it is only going to increase. Our homes now will be passed onto the next generation, and they most likely cannot afford to move out (that's already happening in 2018).

More reasons why we as parents need to be better than our parents, if the comments above are true.
It just doesn't work the same. I would also rather live on the street than with my parents. I'd rather be forever in debt than live with parents.

My wife is of course the complete opposite. She lives in Bangkok, bought her own place and the only reason she doesn't live with her parents is because she works. She can't wait for the day to retire and live in her village again with her family.

She would even love for my mom to move from Canada and live in her house in Bangkok. So, it's not just her parents, but mine too. It's completely normal and not a bother. I'd of course go nuts.

We just don't have the same respect for our parents as Asians do. If you ever take the TTC check who usually gets up to give the seat to the elderly.
Newbie
Nov 9, 2008
33 posts
14 upvotes
Toronto
My wife's relationship with parents is good.

I've been convincing my parents to move in but they refuse to. They want their freedom. My mom has been living with my grandma for most of her life until she passed away a few years ago. My mom is not giving up the freedom with my dad.
Sr. Member
Mar 24, 2015
779 posts
200 upvotes
Ottawa, ON
mayluvz wrote:
Sep 5th, 2018 12:37 am
This is my current nightmare I’m living in.. how do you deal with this without any feelings getting hurt?
Feelings definitely got hurt in our case. My husband was in the middle of it. Thankfully they were staying with us until our son started daycare at 18 months, then they moved back to my brother-in-law's house. Things are not going well there either especially with my sister-in-law, but she's the kind of person who likes to stay at work late so she doesn't have to deal with them.
Before I got pregnant with my second, I changed job to one providing flexible hours and work from home. When I went back to work after my mat leave, we didn't have to rely on them that much. 1-2 days per week, we would drop him there for a few hours, so they could spend time with him and I could also work a bit, but staying with us was not an option and not necessary.
We are on better terms now. Sometimes it's best to keep a certain distance to have a good relationship with people. We still see them for family gatherings, etc, maybe once every week or two weeks.
Deal Addict
User avatar
Jan 25, 2004
2628 posts
1189 upvotes
Ottawa
rfdrfd wrote:
Jun 5th, 2018 4:24 pm
Maybe it's a culture thing.

I'm hoping everyone above that says they'd rather die than live with their parents will try to stop this cycle.

When we grow up to be parents, we should foster a loving family environment. One that your kids will be happy to stay or live with you.

We are the internet aged people, so whatever reasons you deemed that made your parents horrible to live with (stubborn, crazy, unreasonable, etc), let's not let ourselves turn into the same thing later.

So our kids will not say the same thing about us. If we are smart enough to use a Smartphone and internet to post on RFD, then I believe we should be smart enough to be self aware to avoid the same pitfalls and not become the same undeseriable "roomates" as our parents did.

Esp in Toronto where the cost of living is so high in 2018, it is only going to increase. Our homes now will be passed onto the next generation, and they most likely cannot afford to move out (that's already happening in 2018).

More reasons why we as parents need to be better than our parents, if the comments above are true.
We made a conscious decision to buy my parents house which already has a granny suite installed. We made this decision on a couple of factors:

1) We planned on having kids (December of this year) and the thought of shelling out insane money to daycare bothered me. Built in babysitters will be very handy.
2) They pay US rent; their rent essentially covers the mortgage.
3) They were out of touch with rent and how much it would actually cost to live somewhere
4) It's nice to come home and already have the lawn cut, or dinner made
5) Their granny suite is a part of the house but completely separate with their own living area.

It's a win/win (as well as putting up with the obvious pitfalls etc). We enjoy travelling etc and have lots of disposable income as we bought smaller than we could have (I dreaded the idea of being housepoor). The house is average size, we dont' have to see the parents if we don't want to, they have their own yard etc, so we can "control" how much we interact with them. There were some growing pains initially, but we set the ground rules up front.

Ironically, as this is the house we grew up in, i had more problems with my siblings thinking they could keep shit here than I did with the parents. The arrangement works with us. *shrugs*

I am actually somewhat disturbed with the number of people that would rather be dead than live in close proximity to their parents.
Deal Addict
User avatar
Jan 25, 2004
2628 posts
1189 upvotes
Ottawa
BiegeToyota wrote:
Sep 5th, 2018 6:52 am
It just doesn't work the same. I would also rather live on the street than with my parents. I'd rather be forever in debt than live with parents.
Curious to ask why; did you have a bad upbringing?
Deal Addict
Jan 2, 2015
1322 posts
582 upvotes
mayluvz wrote:
Sep 5th, 2018 12:37 am
This is my current nightmare I’m living in.. how do you deal with this without any feelings getting hurt?
For us, we put boundaries. My parents offered free childcare. We fundamentally disagree with most things when I comes to parenting. We forked a lot of money for a nanny to my parents shock that we would let a stranger raise our kids. Best decision ever. They agree too.

They see our kids as well adjusted kids, and even say there are so many things my kids do they would never have considered. They also get to be the grandparent they want since I can handle small inconsistencies, the don’t need to follow my rules. They also don’t have the obligation of being around every day so got to do their things.

My older sibling had my parents help with the kids, and there were a lot of tension between them and many disagreement until they stop caring for my nieces and nephews. Just because they are family doesn’t make them the best choice for the family.
Konowl wrote:
Sep 5th, 2018 2:50 pm
Curious to ask why; did you have a bad upbringing?
I know the post wasn’t meant for me, but i am responding to show another view. I am one of those people that would NEVER live with my parents. However, I will always take care of my parents, just not live with them. Why as the poster above states, it’s about boundaries. My parents do not respect boundaries nor will they ever change. I know that, and I accept, but it doesn’t mean I have to bring it in MY house. I have gentle and kindly explained this to my parents that we will always be there, and have proven so. But them asking us to turn our lives upside down is no fairer then us asking them to change who they are. We recognize what will work or won’t work, and that makes it less stressful for everyone.

For my in Laws, we would have them live if us if they wanted because they are respectful of our boundaries and we can make it work. I think it puts a lot of stress on everyone to put in living situations that don’t work.
On a 'smart' device that isn't always so smart. So please forgive the autocorrects and typos. If it brothers you, then don't read my posts, but don't waste my time correcting me. If you can get past the typos, then my posts generally have some value.
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Jun 26, 2005
8734 posts
970 upvotes
Toronto
Konowl wrote:
Sep 5th, 2018 2:50 pm
Curious to ask why; did you have a bad upbringing?
And I hope this situation dies with that person (no offense).

Meaning his or her kids will not think the same about their parents.

That's my whole point (wish). If you hate to live with your parents, then fix it so your kids won't feel the same way.
Deal Fanatic
Feb 9, 2009
6639 posts
3732 upvotes
freeforall wrote:
Jul 4th, 2018 11:09 am
Don't forget sex life is non-existent. Otherwise, enjoy your silent sex.
When you have very young kids, having regular sex is very difficult lol.

Top