Parenting & Family

Give up? Daddy can't put baby to sleep any more

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Give up? Daddy can't put baby to sleep any more

*sigh*

It started about a week ago - I can't seem to put our 4month old to bed for overnight sleep any more... She just cries until I pass her back to my wife. One time, my wife was out and the baby just cried for an hour before she fell asleep, probably due to exhaustion - couldn't do much in terms of using a carrier, rocking her, singing, patting her, etc etc... All those used to work a week ago, and now only my wife can put her to sleep overnight. I can still put her to sleep for naps though, which is weird.

I talked with some friends who had kids and they had similar experiences. I googled around and am doing overnight feeding, trying to bond closer with her as well, but it hasn't particularly been helping. Any more advice before I just give up? My friends are saying she may grow out of it at around 12months.

bjl
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Apr 13, 2003
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Same here with my lil guy.. don't worry about bonding.. You can bond doing other things. My son is 1.5 years old now.. First thing he says when he gets up is "DADA! ". He enjoys playing cars and "roughhousing" with me....
Riaz
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Definitely don't worry about it now, things can change in a week - it won't be as long as a year! Babies just go through stages, it's nothing against you.
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Could be part of the 4 month sleep regression. Does your wife do anything differently than you in putting baby to sleep? If BF to sleep, then probably hard to replicate unless you can do bottle-feed.

If baby just likes having Mommy near, try taking one of her shirts (something she's slept in that will have her scent) and have it with you when you try.

Good luck.
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Riaz wrote:Same here with my lil guy.. don't worry about bonding.. You can bond doing other things. My son is 1.5 years old now.. First thing he says when he gets up is "DADA! ". He enjoys playing cars and "roughhousing" with me....
Thanks for the encouragement. Although I do want to improve my bonding, I also want to help my wife because she is pretty exhausted by the end of the day. I was hoping to take over putting the baby down for overnight sleep because I was doing much better at that than my wife until a week ago!
natalka wrote:Definitely don't worry about it now, things can change in a week - it won't be as long as a year! Babies just go through stages, it's nothing against you.
Yeah hopefully... I do know it's nothing against me but it still bothers me that I can't figure (or tough) this one out.
ersatz wrote: Could be part of the 4 month sleep regression. Does your wife do anything differently than you in putting baby to sleep? If BF to sleep, then probably hard to replicate unless you can do bottle-feed.

If baby just likes having Mommy near, try taking one of her shirts (something she's slept in that will have her scent) and have it with you when you try.

Good luck.
I even mimicked the rocking and singing that my wife does. I did try placing my wife's t-shirt on top of the bay as well but those didn't help. It's pretty obvious - as soon as I pass her to my wife, she stops crying lol.

I think I'm going to try taking over the last feeding with the bottle at 7:30pm as well... That'd be my best bet.

bjl
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t3359 wrote:
Riaz wrote:Same here with my lil guy.. don't worry about bonding.. You can bond doing other things. My son is 1.5 years old now.. First thing he says when he gets up is "DADA! ". He enjoys playing cars and "roughhousing" with me....
Thanks for the encouragement. Although I do want to improve my bonding, I also want to help my wife because she is pretty exhausted by the end of the day. I was hoping to take over putting the baby down for overnight sleep because I was doing much better at that than my wife until a week ago!
natalka wrote:Definitely don't worry about it now, things can change in a week - it won't be as long as a year! Babies just go through stages, it's nothing against you.
Yeah hopefully... I do know it's nothing against me but it still bothers me that I can't figure (or tough) this one out.
ersatz wrote: Could be part of the 4 month sleep regression. Does your wife do anything differently than you in putting baby to sleep? If BF to sleep, then probably hard to replicate unless you can do bottle-feed.

If baby just likes having Mommy near, try taking one of her shirts (something she's slept in that will have her scent) and have it with you when you try.

Good luck.
I even mimicked the rocking and singing that my wife does. I did try placing my wife's t-shirt on top of the bay as well but those didn't help. It's pretty obvious - as soon as I pass her to my wife, she stops crying lol.

I think I'm going to try taking over the last feeding with the bottle at 7:30pm as well... That'd be my best bet.

bjl
7:30 is a bit late for the last feed/sleep, what time does she normally go down?

Could be that she is overly tired and thus more cranky than normal?
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shannn wrote:
t3359 wrote:
Riaz wrote:Same here with my lil guy.. don't worry about bonding.. You can bond doing other things. My son is 1.5 years old now.. First thing he says when he gets up is "DADA! ". He enjoys playing cars and "roughhousing" with me....
Thanks for the encouragement. Although I do want to improve my bonding, I also want to help my wife because she is pretty exhausted by the end of the day. I was hoping to take over putting the baby down for overnight sleep because I was doing much better at that than my wife until a week ago!
natalka wrote:Definitely don't worry about it now, things can change in a week - it won't be as long as a year! Babies just go through stages, it's nothing against you.
Yeah hopefully... I do know it's nothing against me but it still bothers me that I can't figure (or tough) this one out.
ersatz wrote: Could be part of the 4 month sleep regression. Does your wife do anything differently than you in putting baby to sleep? If BF to sleep, then probably hard to replicate unless you can do bottle-feed.

If baby just likes having Mommy near, try taking one of her shirts (something she's slept in that will have her scent) and have it with you when you try.

Good luck.
I even mimicked the rocking and singing that my wife does. I did try placing my wife's t-shirt on top of the bay as well but those didn't help. It's pretty obvious - as soon as I pass her to my wife, she stops crying lol.

I think I'm going to try taking over the last feeding with the bottle at 7:30pm as well... That'd be my best bet.

bjl
7:30 is a bit late for the last feed/sleep, what time does she normally go down?

Could be that she is overly tired and thus more cranky than normal?
Possible, but she's been doing that for the last few months. Actually, last feed is about 6:30~7:30 and she'd typically sleep by 7:30~8:30.

bjl
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My personal opinion is that you are trying to mimic your wife rather than find something that works for you. Listen to your child and learn what they like that you do, not what your wife does. It can be extremely frustrating to have to deal with a cranky baby, but you'll notice that there are many different ways to soothe them so you and your wife can each have your own thing. With our son right now what puts him to sleep is simply my voice talking to him at bed time, which is something my wife cannot replicate. Rather than try to keep doing that she comes up with her own way to put him to sleep in the evening. When you watch each of our parents, they each treat him a different way and it still works.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to come up with what works for you and your child, rather than trying to mimic something others are doing.


I applaud you for trying to help out your wife - she may not say it but I'm sure she appreciates it.


Note: Just remember that a child's sleep habits will change over their first year - and it could be as simple as this. They have to change at sometime (for the typical 4 month sleep regression) so why would them changing now be so unbelieable?
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^ Thanks for the advice. I was actually just trying whatever today to get her to sleep and it actually worked. So, so far I did 3 out of 6 days (maybe I should exclude the one where she cried until she passed out).

I did some reading up on the 4month-old sleep regression and hopefully she avoided it, since she's almost at 5months.

bjl
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t3359 wrote:
Possible, but she's been doing that for the last few months. Actually, last feed is about 6:30~7:30 and she'd typically sleep by 7:30~8:30.

bjl
Be glad your baby even sleeps through the night!

Our first kid would not sleep at all. It was about 9 months old before I managed to get her to sleep before midnight... and that's with 45min to 1-1/2 hr of padding/soothing her, and she'd still easily wake up in the middle of nights.


It's only 1 week for your issue... I wouldn't even worry about it. Baby wants different things all the time. You just have to keep trying, change things up abit and see what s/he likes now.
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Yeah, since I posted, I've been able to put her to sleep (fingers crossed). Thanks everyone for the encouragement - just been doing my own thing (and no more carrier) and it seems to be working. I've been playing with her to make sure she doesn't get to the stage where she cries like crazy and eventually she zonks out.

She still screams a few times during the night, but I figure that's just nightmares (possibly mild sleep regression?)... I generally wake up a few times to pat her back to sleep, but that's very minor.

bjl
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Funny, this is an ongoing battle that I have with my wife. Her: "Why can't you put your son to sleep? Why do I have to do this all the time? " Me: "Because, while I was out there putting in long hours of work, supporting the family, you developed a bond with our Son. Our son was taught a dependancy on you and your mom ( my mother-and-law ). Now our son cries and cries and cries, bangs at the door, bangs at the floor, hits me, and forcefully pulls away from, yelling mommy, mommy, mommy, until I bring him to you." Actually, we have a very very very stubborn boy. My daughter is so much easier.

Is your child still breastfed? I think this is the biggest issue in my case. My son needs mommy for that reason or he can't go to sleep.
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bewiseman wrote: Funny, this is an ongoing battle that I have with my wife. Her: "Why can't you put your son to sleep? Why do I have to do this all the time? " Me: "Because, while I was out there putting in long hours of work, supporting the family, you developed a bond with our Son. Our son was taught a dependancy on you and your mom ( my mother-and-law ). Now our son cries and cries and cries, bangs at the door, bangs at the floor, hits me, and forcefully pulls away from, yelling mommy, mommy, mommy, until I bring him to you." Actually, we have a very very very stubborn boy. My daughter is so much easier.

Is your child still breastfed? I think this is the biggest issue in my case. My son needs mommy for that reason or he can't go to sleep.
LOL my wife and I have the opposite problem - she stayed home and now that she is back at work, every time we pick our son up from daycare he reaches for me (even when she's already holding him). I don't think she appreciates that too much ;)
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TrevorK wrote: My wife and I have the opposite problem - she stayed home and now that she is back at work, every time we pick our son up from daycare he reaches for me (even when she's already holding him). I don't think she appreciates that too much ;)
Its actually really hard, especially if your spouse doesn't really and truly understand the problem. On one hand you want to be there for both spouse and child; on the other hand, there is little you can do. If your spouse doesn't understand this, it can put enormous strain on the relationship - at least, that is my experience.
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bewiseman wrote:
TrevorK wrote: My wife and I have the opposite problem - she stayed home and now that she is back at work, every time we pick our son up from daycare he reaches for me (even when she's already holding him). I don't think she appreciates that too much ;)
Its actually really hard, especially if your spouse doesn't really and truly understand the problem. On one hand you want to be there for both spouse and child; on the other hand, there is little you can do. If your spouse doesn't understand this, it can put enormous strain on the relationship - at least, that is my experience.
Yeah but it takes a lot of effort on both parents to develop the bond. I breastfed both my kids (so uh, clearly I'm the mother) but my husband did some overnight feedings (I pumped to prep for those) and when I occasionally went out, he handled the kids then. After our second was born, he took 6 months off for parental leave - although I realize is not something everyone is able or willing to do. As a mother though, I find sometimes the fathers find excuses, not solutions. Its easy to say "I don't have the same bond" or "there is little you can do" and then they kind of tap out and not put in a whole lot of effort to try to help sometimes.

While breastfeeding certainly results in a bond (although sometimes, a lot of pain and swearing too!), there are certainly other ways fathers can bond. Putting their babies to sleep may be one of them, for others, it might be giving them a bath or a massage, or reading to them alone every night. Putting the baby to bed isn't the only way to bond and I think its important, like the OP, to keep trying. After the first few months, I certainly tried to avoid breastfeeding the kids to sleep - I didn't want them to rely on that to be able to fall asleep. I'd nurse them a little earlier than bedtime. It worked quite well for one of the kids, the other took a little longer but eventually we made it. Once we were able to do that, it didn't matter who put the kids to bed.
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wirebound wrote: As a mother though, I find sometimes the fathers find excuses, not solutions. Its easy to say "I don't have the same bond" or "there is little you can do" and then they kind of tap out and not put in a whole lot of effort to try to help sometimes.
Ok, fair enough, but women can also use baby as an excuse for not getting out there and showing their equality as women and working to earn an income. I've given my wife 5 years. I've enabled her to earn a master's degree and watched as she was supported by her live-in mom and 5 days a week of daycare. There has to a balance here. Yes, men need to be busy and supporting child to sleep, but women have to get busy and work in this modern age, especially when they receive support form family and government.
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bewiseman wrote:
wirebound wrote: As a mother though, I find sometimes the fathers find excuses, not solutions. Its easy to say "I don't have the same bond" or "there is little you can do" and then they kind of tap out and not put in a whole lot of effort to try to help sometimes.
Ok, fair enough, but women can also use baby as an excuse for not getting out there and showing there equality as women and working to earn an income. I've given my wife 5 years. I've enabled her to earn a master's degree and watched as she was supported by her live-in mom and 5 days a week of daycare. There has to a balance here. Yes, men need to be busy and supporting child to sleep, but women have to get busy and work in this modern age, especially when they receive support form family and government.
I totally agree with you but that's a whole other discussion. I'm working full time and working on my second graduate degree since having kids. I think there are some men and women who enter into relationships with quite different expectations and these things don't really get discussed beforehand :( A LOT of it is cultural expectations as well!
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wirebound wrote:
I totally agree with you but that's a whole other discussion. I'm working full time and working on my second graduate degree since having kids. I think there are some men and women who enter into relationships with quite different expectations and these things don't really get discussed beforehand :( A LOT of it is cultural expectations as well!
It may seem like a different issue, but actually its not. When I wake up at 6:15 and my wife is still sleeping and not waking till 8 because she isn't working, its not fair to me to wake me up at 3:00AM in the morning to attend to baby. If we're both working equally, equal care of child is totally reasonable. Otherwise, no its not! Its an excuse for me to say I can't put baby to sleep. At 3am, baby want's mommy. PERIOD.

Anyhow, my point is only that men are not the only ones with excuses!
Last edited by bewiseman on Sep 2nd, 2016 4:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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bewiseman wrote:
wirebound wrote:
I totally agree with you but that's a whole other discussion. I'm working full time and working on my second graduate degree since having kids. I think there are some men and women who enter into relationships with quite different expectations and these things don't really get discussed beforehand :( A LOT of it is cultural expectations as well!
It may seem like a different issue, but actually its not. When I wake up at 6:15 and my wife is still sleeping and not waking till 8 because she isn't working, its not fair to me to wake me up at 3:00AM in the morning to attend to baby. If we're both working equally, equal care of child is totally reasonable. Otherwise, no its not! Its not an excuse for me to say I can't put baby to sleep. At 3am, baby want's mommy. PERIOD.
Sorry, I meant to say that encouraging your wife to do paid work outside the home is a bit of a different. Having an equitable work load is, I think, one of the toughest things to get a handle on. This was something we also struggled with, that feeling that something is unfair if you have to do X and Y. I went back to work when our second was 6 months and he nursed every two hours for that first month back - it was brutal. I figured it would be easier on him for the transition but it was so hard to be 'on' for work after so little sleep. We did switch things so that I wasn't doing all the feedings, my husband took over most of them which made things SO MUCH easier for me (and he was the stay at home parent at that point). At the start of his parental leave he couldn't understand how things were so hard, by the end, he did.

The fact is though, you're both doing "work". Yours is paid. Her's isn't. Yours is confined to regular hours. Her's isn't. You can't just say she's not doing "work" though. Occasionally, maybe not every two hours or every night but I do think its fair that you have to get up at 3 AM sometimes to deal with your child. If she's breastfeeding at 3 AM, maybe offer to try a bottle of pumped milk instead at that time, or take over an 11 PM feeding instead and maybe she can go to bed a little earlier so that the 3 AM feeding isn't so tough. The lack of continuous sleep was really hard, whether I was in paid employment or not. Its been a few years since I had to deal with them but we talked a lot about this, it wasn't an easy thing for us to just figure out so that we both felt things were 'fair'.
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wirebound wrote:
bewiseman wrote:
wirebound wrote:
I totally agree with you but that's a whole other discussion. I'm working full time and working on my second graduate degree since having kids. I think there are some men and women who enter into relationships with quite different expectations and these things don't really get discussed beforehand :( A LOT of it is cultural expectations as well!
It may seem like a different issue, but actually its not. When I wake up at 6:15 and my wife is still sleeping and not waking till 8 because she isn't working, its not fair to me to wake me up at 3:00AM in the morning to attend to baby. If we're both working equally, equal care of child is totally reasonable. Otherwise, no its not! Its not an excuse for me to say I can't put baby to sleep. At 3am, baby want's mommy. PERIOD.
Sorry, I meant to say that encouraging your wife to do paid work outside the home is a bit of a different. Having an equitable work load is, I think, one of the toughest things to get a handle on. This was something we also struggled with, that feeling that something is unfair if you have to do X and Y. I went back to work when our second was 6 months and he nursed every two hours for that first month back - it was brutal. I figured it would be easier on him for the transition but it was so hard to be 'on' for work after so little sleep. We did switch things so that I wasn't doing all the feedings, my husband took over most of them which made things SO MUCH easier for me (and he was the stay at home parent at that point). At the start of his parental leave he couldn't understand how things were so hard, by the end, he did.

The fact is though, you're both doing "work". Yours is paid. Her's isn't. Yours is confined to regular hours. Her's isn't. You can't just say she's not doing "work" though. Occasionally, maybe not every two hours or every night but I do think its fair that you have to get up at 3 AM sometimes to deal with your child. If she's breastfeeding at 3 AM, maybe offer to try a bottle of pumped milk instead at that time, or take over an 11 PM feeding instead and maybe she can go to bed a little earlier so that the 3 AM feeding isn't so tough. The lack of continuous sleep was really hard, whether I was in paid employment or not. Its been a few years since I had to deal with them but we talked a lot about this, it wasn't an easy thing for us to just figure out so that we both felt things were 'fair'.
wirebound, the point I keep making to my wife is that we're both working very hard. Neither one of us is copping out. I'm out there busily making money; she's at home with the kids. I get angry only when she starts to express resentment. Only then do I remind her what's really happening.

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