Parenting & Family

going to try and start a family in a few months, what advice can you give me?

  • Last Updated:
  • Mar 29th, 2018 11:42 pm
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riseagainstthemachine wrote:
Mar 5th, 2018 9:49 am
That's great and all, but you seem super defensive. In my situation, we do not have the money for a nanny, it makes sense for my wife to stay home with the kids until they are full time in school. Why would she go to work to make barely enough to pay for a nanny when she can just stay home with them? And this has nothing to do with the woman staying home over the man. I would happily stay at home with the kids, but I make significantly more then she does so it just makes sense.

I personally was raised by a stay at home mom and I wouldn't have it any other way, no matter what kind of justification you put on it, you went to work and someone else raised your kids 60%-80% of the time (or whatever percentage you think you were actually there for). This is what @iWatchTV is trying to say. It doesn't matter how fresh their lunches were or how much you volunteered, you were not there to raise them some of the time... and that "some of the time" is important to my wife and I and apparently @iWatchTV too. Everyone has different lives and circumstances, but we are on two sides of the fence on this.
Macx2mommy is just expressing their opinion, but iWatchTV is attacking others. There are pro and cons to sending your kid to daycare. Only people stuck in a well say they cannot understand "pawning off their most precious treasures to some strangers at a daycare facility".
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Jan 2, 2015
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riseagainstthemachine wrote:
Mar 5th, 2018 9:49 am
That's great and all, but you seem super defensive. In my situation, we do not have the money for a nanny, it makes sense for my wife to stay home with the kids until they are full time in school. Why would she go to work to make barely enough to pay for a nanny when she can just stay home with them? And this has nothing to do with the woman staying home over the man. I would happily stay at home with the kids, but I make significantly more then she does so it just makes sense.

I personally was raised by a stay at home mom and I wouldn't have it any other way, no matter what kind of justification you put on it, you went to work and someone else raised your kids 60%-80% of the time (or whatever percentage you think you were actually there for). This is what @iWatchTV is trying to say. It doesn't matter how fresh their lunches were or how much you volunteered, you were not there to raise them some of the time... and that "some of the time" is important to my wife and I and apparently @iWatchTV too. Everyone has different lives and circumstances, but we are on two sides of the fence on this.
I have nothing to be defensive about as I am very comfortable with the decision I make. However, I do get annoyed with people who are really judgmental and seem to attack others on decisions they made for their families.
Everyone has to make decisions based on what is best for their families. I see nothing wrong with that. Daycare, stay at home mom, stay at home dad, nanny, grandparent, home care, whatever, they are all choices that need to be made. I have seen great kids come out of all the scenarios, and lousy ones. One is not better than the other. That’s my point. For you and your wife, choosing to be with your kids all of the time, is great for your family. It’s where one thinks that their choices are so superior over those who choose something different. It’s important for you and your wife to be the ones raising your kids all of the time, just as it’s important for my children to learn about diversity and independence. Will you be homeschooling your children? Because I have heard the same argument about parents that send their children to school. See, it doesn’t really matter what your answer or my answer is to this, because they are bases on our personal values. I can see if the value of a stay at home parents for sure, it’s not the choice I make. Are you able to see the value of working parents? You use the term ‘no matter kind of justification you put on it, …’ Why does someone have to justify their parenting choice?
By bringing in steorotypes and trying to justify what is better, we do a disservice to all parents and their children. Recognizing and accepting the diversity in decisions, leads to children who are themselves can learn to accept others and decisions that are not the ones we would make. We should be supporting each other as parents, because parenting is f’ing hard some times.

So my advice to people who will be trying to have children are to be flexible in your thinking. Things that you think are 'wrong' now, you may choose to do it. Until you meet your little one(s), you never know what you will actually need to do.
On a 'smart' device that isn't always so smart. So please forgive the autocorrects and typos. If it brothers you, then don't read my posts, but don't waste my time correcting me. If you can get past the typos, then my posts generally have some value.
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Pray. Face With Tears Of Joy

It’s often never as easy as it seems to get pregnant...... just don’t panic.
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Macx2mommy wrote:
Mar 2nd, 2018 12:55 pm
This is really judgemental and ignorant. Though my kids never spent a day in daycare, we both decided no stay at home parent. That was our choice. We have had the most wonderful nannies, and treat them like family and vice versa. My kids always knew who their parents, and I have always been secure in my parenting skills (though not perfect).

There lousy star at home parents and lousy work parents.... wait, there just some lousy parents. There are great stay at home parents, and great working parents. Don’t turn this into one of those discussions.

Totally anedotal story... my daughters class needed parent volunteers. The stay home parent in charge of classroom volunteers would forget to send out messages until 15-30 minutes before needed all the time. I nicely ask if she could give us as much notice as possible, like when she first recieved the message (sometime days before but she somehow left it until last minute), and I would do everything I could to come in. I jus5 explain I needed a little more time than I got into work to turn and help. Finanly, she sent something ahead of time, and i said I could help with treats. She made a snarky remark about maybe I could trouble myself find drink boxes if i was sooooooo busy and couldn’t really be involved. I made the most awesome items and she asked where i bought them. When i told her I made them, she was quite surprised that I could find time to help my kids. Just so many wrong assumptions, judgement and Stereotypes.

She was surprised at how smart my child was and polite because somehow parents that work cannot teach their parents manners.
How my kid had really healthy homemade lunches and didn’t eat junk because working moms don’t have time to feed their children
How she value her children over money
How surprised my kids were in different activities that I volunteer to lead at nights, and that my volunteer committment in t8mewere most tha5 what she spent at the school,
The snarky comments went on and on. Blah blah Blah

Finally I said, do you sit around eat on bins get nails done, and go to the gym when you are not sitting on top the couch watching soaps. She was offended, and then I said so stop with the judgements that aren’t true.

Again, I don’t see why parents have to judge others for decision they don’t agree with. You don’t live their life, and if the kids are happy, well adjusted, and the parents do their best, who cares if stay at home or not. My group of friends about halfway the parents stay at home and half work. The only common thing i see is that they are all pretty awesome because of their desire to learn want and do the best for their families. We tend support each other in our ups and downs and don’t judge.
Ignorant? I'm sorry but what you stated above is exactly that. How can you say that a child is happy and well adjusted when they aren't being raised by the very people who brought them into this life? Seriously, how could I not judge a person for being so selfish. It defeats the purpose of having a family which is to raise a child/children. If a person isn't prepared to raise their own children, I don't believe they have any business having children. It's crazy. They "want" kids but not the associated responsibility. The whole dynamic is completely f***** up.

Imagine how the next generation of kids is going to grow up. Never having been raised by their own parents, their own parents are often still children themselves (being completely reliant on their own parents or the government system), and then the time spent with parents involves sitting in front of the tv, with take-away dinner (because who can bother to actually cook a proper meal these days, right?), watching Netfilx or Youtube. If you think these children will grow up well adjusted......yikes, not sure how to answer that.

So the answer to your question, as to why I care how you might raise your child is that it isn't just you. It's almost everyone today. And who would want their children socializing with a kid that grew up like that? I wouldn't.
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Dec 19, 2010
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iWatchTV wrote:
Mar 14th, 2018 3:53 pm
Ignorant? I'm sorry but what you stated above is exactly that. How can you say that a child is happy and well adjusted when they aren't being raised by the very people who brought them into this life? Seriously, how could I not judge a person for being so selfish. It defeats the purpose of having a family which is to raise a child/children. If a person isn't prepared to raise their own children, I don't believe they have any business having children. It's crazy. They "want" kids but not the associated responsibility. The whole dynamic is completely f***** up.

Imagine how the next generation of kids is going to grow up. Never having been raised by their own parents, their own parents are often still children themselves (being completely reliant on their own parents or the government system), and then the time spent with parents involves sitting in front of the tv, with take-away dinner (because who can bother to actually cook a proper meal these days, right?), watching Netfilx or Youtube. If you think these children will grow up well adjusted......yikes, not sure how to answer that.

So the answer to your question, as to why I care how you might raise your child is that it isn't just you. It's almost everyone today. And who would want their children socializing with a kid that grew up like that? I wouldn't.
wow do you have the most narrowed tunnel vision view of life.

not everyone can afford to have a stay at home parent. are you saying if a couple whom each makes $40k ($80k household income) should not have children because if one parent stays home they essentially halved their income to $40k and cannot afford to raise a family with an income of $40k? so by your logic, if you can't afford to have one parent stay home to watch/raise your own kids, then don't have children.

jeez, i think you're the one that needs to grow up and stop being a child.

ps - i have nothing against stay at home parents or day care, to each their own. some families just have certain means that others don't.
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Aug 22, 2011
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No offense to anyone, but I don't give two shits how you raise your kid, because they're your kids.
That's why I will never give "parental" advice and only share my experience.
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Jun 3, 2006
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vkizzle wrote:
Mar 18th, 2018 9:39 am
That's why I will never give "parental" advice and only share my experience.
you are aware you've just commented about never giving parenting advice on a thread where the op states "can you please share any advice or things that we should know", right? real insightful.

and hey OP... as an 'bit older" Pops with a 3 year old, would offer up to NOT get too stressed about it all, you'll be surprised how much stress actually impacts everything from conceiving (i was worried like you initially, with a doctor visit and had the lil gal on my 'first attempt"), to
stress really taking its toll on the family after the birth (i realized how much empathy was important to know where the other parent was coming from).

You'll find out how to do things and deal with them and how to incorporate other peoples experiences and advice. Its good to just sponge up the advice, however, after your own experiences, you'll moist likely laugh at how much stress you unduly put on yourself.
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Jun 3, 2006
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iWatchTV wrote:
Feb 27th, 2018 12:45 pm
Have you decided who is going to stay home to raise the child/ren? This is something many people don't even consider doing, and instead can't wait pawn off their most precious treasures to some strangers at a daycare facility.

I don't understand how people can do that. I would starve before ever dropping off my kids at daycare.
So, i'd take this extreme advice with many grains of salt. My 3 year old is in daycare 3 days a week and with my folks the other 2 days. While i agree the a bit with 'strangers at a facility', its not like you're dropping them off daily at an IKEA playground for entire days. Been 2 years of daycare, and she looooves her teachers and classmates. Even talks about her 'best friends' and stuff, to me that is immeasurable for the just those type of human connections. You can have that with a stay at home as well, mind you. Just research a quality daycare facility in the area (a few in the west part of Toronto that i researched) before we confirmed the massive part of being social as Elfwood stated, along with the family values the other days of the week. To me, best of both worlds... to you, you'll see how the family expenses are with a wife out of work after the year is up, and then make your decision. As noted earlier, just make a pros and cons list as long as you understand/are ok with the prat falls of each decision.

Cost of daycare to me wasn't an issue (despite being sure i'm paying way more than the avg), i also wanted the kid to learn from multiple sources. When researched, i'm positive you'd find reputable daycares, and not just a neighbours basement with 6 other kids. I had a mom that took a break for 5 years as a stay at home Mom and then she had a bit of an issue kick starting her career again after the 5 years. Luckily she did but was a struggle back even in the mid/late 70s.

You'll figure it all out as you go, you'll just need to have a way to 'keep options open' after all the facts are weighed into your decision.
Last edited by 6oh on Mar 18th, 2018 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Deal Expert
Aug 22, 2011
23784 posts
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6oh wrote:
Mar 18th, 2018 2:36 pm
you are aware you've just commented about never giving parenting advice on a thread where the op states "can you please share any advice or things that we should know", right? real insightful.

and hey OP... as an 'bit older" Pops with a 3 year old, would offer up to NOT get too stressed about it all, you'll be surprised how much stress actually impacts everything from conceiving (i was worried like you initially, with a doctor visit and had the lil gal on my 'first attempt"), to
stress really taking its toll on the family after the birth (i realized how much empathy was important to know where the other parent was coming from).

You'll find out how to do things and deal with them and how to incorporate other peoples experiences and advice. Its good to just sponge up the advice, however, after your own experiences, you'll moist likely laugh at how much stress you unduly put on yourself.
Yeah and if you read my responses, I only shared my experiences and not how to raise a family.
Jr. Member
Aug 31, 2014
101 posts
28 upvotes
Toronto, ON
Wow... Just finished reading thru how this thread went down hill real fast.

Prenatal vitamins can be prescription-ed, so covered by your insurance if you have one.

Really try to stay opened minded about things, because no matter what you think you'd do or won't do, things may change when the little one is here and how his/her personality is. Yes. Even as a newborn my son has a personality I was not expecting.

And with the downhill topic - to each their own. Whatever works for your family man. My husband cannot fathom being the sole income earner, as that is a lot of pressure. And for myself, I'd like to stay connected to my field of work, so for now we're planning for daycare. But I understand the "dropping off to strangers" sentiments too - for sure I'll miss my baby when I go back to work, we'll see how things work out and re-evaluate should it not work out. The spirit of agile! (Yes I'm in IT)

Oh. If you want to to breastfeed, be prepared that it's actually hard work. I cried a lot due to various issues we've had. (And ouch it hurts! I don't care what people say!)
Last edited by Tsanger on Mar 28th, 2018 8:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
Member
Aug 5, 2008
333 posts
174 upvotes
Tsanger wrote:
Mar 27th, 2018 7:09 pm
Wow... Just finished reading thru how this thread went down south real fast.

Prenatal vitamins can be prescription-ed, so covered by your insurance if you have one.

Really try to stay opened minded about things, because no matter what you think you'd do or won't do, things may change when the little one is here and how his/her personality is. Yes. Even as a newborn my son has a personality I was not expecting.

And with the downhill topic - to each their own. Whatever works for your family man. My husband cannot fathom being the sole income earner, as that is a lot of pressure. And for myself, I'd like to stay connected to my field of work, so for now we're planning for daycare. But I understand the "dropping off to strangers" sentiments too - for sure I'll miss my baby when I go back to work, we'll see how things work out and re-evaluate should it not work out. The spirit of agile! (Yes I'm in IT)

Oh. If you want to to breastfeed, be prepared that it's actually hard work. I cried a lot due to various issues we've had. (And ouch it hurts! I don't care what people say!)
I didn't even know you can get prenatals prescribed! Thanks for sharing! Breastfeeding usually depends on each person and each baby but yes, expect some hard work.
Sr. Member
Mar 24, 2015
793 posts
212 upvotes
Ottawa, ON
cutey130 wrote:
Mar 28th, 2018 5:53 am
I didn't even know you can get prenatals prescribed! Thanks for sharing! Breastfeeding usually depends on each person and each baby but yes, expect some hard work.
and mastitis! I didn't have it with my first, but had it two times with my second and it really hurt. Like razor blades passing through your nipples.
Jr. Member
Feb 4, 2017
161 posts
82 upvotes
Toronto
Dont Stress
Dont try to time the pregnancy with Apps and stuff
Dont worry
Dont rush
Dont smoke

Eat Healthy
Excersise
Be Patient

It will all happen when it happens. Good luck
Member
Jul 26, 2016
209 posts
76 upvotes
Watch all your favorite shows and movies before your first child is born. We now struggle to find time to watch GOT. (Mostly because we have no external help or support). Hopefully we can find a good babysitter in the area soon and we can get a bit more free time.

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