Mental Preparedness for University

[MaryJane*]

Hi I posted this on studentawards but someone suggested I put it out here because there were a lot more experienced users. Thank you in advance for your time.

Basically I went through a pretty traumatic experience this year (Gr 12 student). I've kept it a secret from family and friends. Medical professionals I've talked to have strongly suggested counseling, support groups etc. I'm weary of starting something like that when I'll be leaving for university in just a couple of months. Plus I'm terrified of anyone I know here finding out. Getting through the last couple months of school has been really rough but I don't know how much of that can be contributed to "senioritis".

I'm just really desperate to get away from this town and start a new life in university. I'm going to a large school in a large city. I want that freedom but my main concern is failing. I'm hoping I'll be able to adapt, get focused have a healthy social life and strive academically. I need this to work out so badly but right now I'm struggling a lot fighting a lot with family, some friendships turning sour, so unfocused and generally detached from life, that I'm scared I will just fizzle out in university. My family expects me to be a top student getting into grad/professional school.

I figure there will be resources through the university/city for all sorts of problems students may have but if you're already in university and suddenly you're tapping into these problems will it be too overwhelming to handle? I'm hoping this new life will just allow me to "shed" the past. If university doesn't work out I really have nothing.

I guess my question is have any of you gone into university as a way of starting fresh and how successful were you? Did you find it was a safe place to flourish and put away the past?

I hope this made sense.

[Ryougo]

As someone that was a dork in high school and did fairly poorly both in my last year of high school and my first year of university I feel I should give you some warnings.

I don't know what happened to you and how serious it was but the cold truth is that your future professors and the schools probably won't care. Especially when you're in a class of 500 and you're graded by multiple choice. (This isn't completely true first years have some leeway begging for marks to be dropped, at least compared to after)

I don't know what you want to do in your life or what you hope to get out of university. BUT poor grades in first year will shatter a lot of professional dreams and may haunt you for the rest of your academic career.

Now I get the impression that, that might not be important to you right now. But you never know what you might want 3 years from now when hopefully your problems will be gone.

So go, grow as a person, try to study and if you are struggling than drop courses before the deadline and take some time to get your life in order.

[CSK'sMom]

I'll give you a different perspective, that of someone who has been through an incredibly traumatic experience. My mother was murdered 5 years ago in July. If professionals are telling you that you should be seeking counselling then do it. Don't wait. I have been diagnosed with post traumatic shock syndrome and it does not go away and it really doesn't get any better without treatment. The symptoms will still be there, no matter where you go and what you do. It will effect every facet of your life, knowingly or unknowingly. Huge changes can often make the symptoms worse. You really need to deal with this now and not wait. And yes, there will be support services at school but it may take a bit to get set up. Start now while you're at home and they can probably refer you to services in your uni city as well as at school.

[nyrz]

I'm just really desperate to get away from this town and start a new life in university. I'm going to a large school in a large city. I want that freedom but my main concern is failing. My family expects me to be a top student getting into grad/professional school.

Forget about what your family expects.

Forget about the past and work hard in university.

See a doctor or a counsellor.

If university doesn't work out, you can go to work or go to college.

Or work and go to school part-time.

[bestknightmare]

school is a very useful way of keeping you occupied and helps you to forget about your past.

you'll enjoy it. Don't put pressure on yourself and forget about your parents' expectations. You are the one that gotta deal with whatever career you may choose and not them. So pick something you like.

edit: see a counselor/therapist first of course to treat immediate health concerns. But you must have the readiness to move forward before those therapist can help you.

[adehbone]

Health comes first. Do not use school as distraction, then your going to use grad school as a distraction, then your career. Till one day your some accomplished pissed off angry mental lawyer with lots of $$$ to theraphy monthly.

Deal with your issues and your health, even taking a term off won't change your life that much. Health comes first.

[HockeyFan]

I usually don't think running away from your problems is a good idea, but I don't know the full story so I won't go there.

Getting a fresh start is sometimes good. I would advise trying to join some clubs or activities that allow you to meet people. Also, meet people in your classes so that it makes things easier and more pleasant.

If you don't understand something and you're not the type to ask in class, then don't be afraid to go to office hours for extra help or get a tutor.

Try to enjoy things and do your best! Good luck!

[MaryJane*]

Ryougo: Yes, one of the reasons I'm feeling quite worried is because I realize first year is going to set the standard for the rest of my academic career. Dropping courses is something I really didn't think of. I don't think my parents would approve but it's good to know if worse comes to worse there's that alternative

CSK'sMom: I'm so sorry about your mom. What you have said is sort of what my brain is telling me and I just don't want to believe. It's not fair, it's not my fault but there's no easy way out. I guess I'm afraid to deal with the problem because of that "getting harder before it gets easier" bit. I don't feel ready to deal with this getting harder especially since I can't trust anyone. I feel like I'll be to fragile to just deal with life on my own, but the only other option is to slowly sink, or do what I'm doing now and hope university can be my gateway.

nyrz: I don't even want to think about university not working out. I know it happens for a lot of people but I just can't imagine my life going that way although I never expected I'd be in this position either.

bestknightmare: Yes I'm ready to move forward which is why I'm excited about university. To just transform.

adehbone: That's a good point and certainly not the life I want for myself.

Hockeyfan: I'm trying to not think of this as running away and more of starting fresh. I'm really looking forward to the social aspect of university although once again it also terrifies me. I just want to have healthy relationships with people.

Thank you all.

[firefly767]

you will change your perspective on a lot of things once you get into university, about life, and yourself. take it easy on yourself, do not fret about grades and study smart. never compare yourself excessively to others, but a little motivation doesnt hurt either. i dont know which university you are going to, but your life wont just "change" once you get into university. not saying you should set ur expectations low, but be realistic, and make friends. and be happy.

best of luck!

[CSK'sMom]

Ryougo: Yes, one of the reasons I'm feeling quite worried is because I realize first year is going to set the standard for the rest of my academic career. Dropping courses is something I really didn't think of. I don't think my parents would approve but it's good to know if worse comes to worse there's that alternative

MaryJane, I'm going to reply to your response to everyone. Yes there are options for lowering your course load. Is it ultimately the answer alone, no and I think you know that already. Doing poorly in school will just be a symptom of the underlying issue.

CSK'sMom: I'm so sorry about your mom. What you have said is sort of what my brain is telling me and I just don't want to believe. It's not fair, it's not my fault but there's no easy way out. I guess I'm afraid to deal with the problem because of that "getting harder before it gets easier" bit. I don't feel ready to deal with this getting harder especially since I can't trust anyone. I feel like I'll be to fragile to just deal with life on my own, but the only other option is to slowly sink, or do what I'm doing now and hope university can be my gateway.

Believe me, I get what you're feeling. It's not your fault but you still have to deal with it, preferably with prefessional help. As much as we tend to think we're fine and we can "tough" it out, from experience here, it doesn't work that way. Yes it's difficult to deal with but the consequences of not dealing with it really are life altering. I'm sure you don't want to go through life looking over your shoulder, freaking out at the smallest seemingly inconsequential things and not trusting anyone in your life. I just think if you start to deal with this now you'll be better prepared to deal with the massive life changes that uni can bring.

nyrz: I don't even want to think about university not working out. I know it happens for a lot of people but I just can't imagine my life going that way although I never expected I'd be in this position either.

bestknightmare: Yes I'm ready to move forward which is why I'm excited about university. To just transform.

adehbone: That's a good point and certainly not the life I want for myself.

I think being excited about moving to the next phase is normal but it's not really realistic to think about it as a way to "transform" or forget about what has happened to you.

Hockeyfan: I'm trying to not think of this as running away and more of starting fresh. I'm really looking forward to the social aspect of university although once again it also terrifies me. I just want to have healthy relationships with people.

Thank you all.

This is almost the most telling thing you've written. I think you know deep down that you need help with this. There is no "starting fresh" till you deal with it. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't make it go away, it just leaves a lump under the rug to repeatedly trip over on your life path. Making new healthy relationships will come, but you need the tools a professional can offer to make that happen. Maybe it's the MamaLion in me but I would just hate to see you posting back here in Dec or Jan saying that you had flunked out of school because this was still haunting you and having a negative impact on every aspect of your uni experience.

[Jay Hova]

Not to sound like a jerk...but what you are describing is the typical life-story of most drug-addicts.

Listen to what I have to say.

There is a show on A&E called Intervention, it follows the lives of numerous drug addicts...but what the addict doesn't know at the end of this so-called documentary...they are given a choice...complete abandonment by family or go to rehab.

Most addicts, whether pain-killers, drug, gambling, food, alcohol have one thing in common - a very traumatic incident during their younger years (whether it be 5 or years old or 16-18). For the most part, they usually end up being sexually assaulted, molested, even raped or they lose a loved one. Throughout their childhood and even into their 20's they lead astonishing lives, some are really smart, some are amazing athletes, etc, etc...but one day...you know that life will take a turn...once you're old you can't compete in sports anymore...or after you've completed your five PhD's..you kind of stop....and then....all the painful memories come back...so what do they do? They resort to other avenues to essentially 'escape' from the harsh reality they faced (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc, etc).

I think you are doing more or less the same thing, you are hoping that University will be an escape for you from the reality of what happened...that you can become so engaged in academics and the ongoing aspects of university that your mind will escape from the harsh reality of what happened.

Like adehbone said...once you graduate and end up becoming successful...you really can't escape...unless you have some sort of professional career...but the the past will come back when you retire.


I'm not trying to sound humorous or like a jerk...but I would say that many people who may know a few addicts or alcoholics would agree with me.

[nyrz]

I don't think my parents would approve but it's good to know if worse comes to worse there's that alternative

See how some people are so dependent on their parents. They are unable to stand on their own 2 feet.

Some kids are smart- they win scholarships or get student loan, they go to work, they move out of the house, they don't depend on their parents, they don't have to deal with their parents.

Try to stand on your own 2 feet.

My neighbour had a troubled past / troubled family and she took a long time to finish university. She took a break from school and went to work. Then went back to university. She's a lawyer now.

Another neighbour won scholarships, moved out of her parents' home when she was around 17/18 and is a doctor now.

You're not a kid anymore. Challenge yourself now and in university to be a responsible adult in order to get what you want. A responsible adult gets up, goes to school or work, completes the assignments, pays the bills, etc.

[Danieln88]

Hi Mary Jane,
if that really is ur name. i'm gonna guess its an allusion to marijuana. if it is and its something that you have a problem dealing with right now then we might have something in common =P

anyways, I was in a similar situation, in that i was hoping that I can goto university for a fresh start out of life. My problem back then was that I did too much drugs. When I got there though, my problem came with me and I ended up getting kicked out of university for doing poorly. I wasn't able to put my life back on track and focus on school at the same time. This is just me though, you might have the strength to do what I couldn't. I wouldn't know.

Right now, I believe I'm doing ok. I'm in the process of getting back into school, but now I goto school so that I can get a good education rather then to escape. As for my family, I used to have that conditional love (where my parents would only love me if i was successful) and I used to fight a lot with them. but i think i've learned to communicate a lot better and now its a better relationship then before. I also couldn't be happier with my friends. but there are some friends that hold me back and I should be letting go of.

What helped me was asking myself what are my priorities in life. I really thought about them and wrote them down. I also read this book: "The 7 habits of highly effective people" by Stephen R. Covey and it really helped me in getting a better perspective of my situation. In doing these things I was able to stay clean for a while now. I think almost month. I hope this helps. Feel free to send me a pm if you'd like.

[AirplaneKing]

Hi there,

I agree with much of what the previous posters have mentioned, particularly with the above poster's point on determining your priorities in life. It seems as though you are being swept up in a tumultuous storm of uncertainty. That's natural, many people are in your position or have been in your situation (yours truly included).

What I would say to you is write down what your top priorities are from a high-level perspective (E.g. 1 - Family, 2 - School, 3 - Making new friends, 4 - Dance, etc.) The process of doing that will really make clear what you should really be centering your life around, now that you will be enjoying new freedoms and no one is there to guide you on what to do next.

It also seems like you're putting a little too much pressure on yourself in terms of succeeding or failing in first year. Understand that everybody fails at some point or another; the winners are simply those who get back up, pat themselves off, and keep trying. Good luck and all the best.

[MaryJane*]

wow everyone thank you so much for you thoughtful responses. Very difficult to read knowing there's no other option than to seek professional help and face these demons before things can get better. I wish you all existed in real life so sweet especially CSK's mom.