Parenting & Family

not able to provide the best for your kids....

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  • Jun 27th, 2017 2:49 pm
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Jr. Member
Oct 15, 2008
104 posts
32 upvotes
Windsor
IMHO, there is nothing more valuable that I can give my children than time. While I am able to provide more than the basics for my kids, they outgrow them. They don't outgrow the times spent kicking a soccer ball or going to a park they've never been to in our town or walking down by the river. The sum of what I want from my life is not the amount of money in my bank account or the stuff I can give my children, but the experiences that enrich my life and theirs - and experiences don't equal money, but again, they, IMHO, do equal time. When I'm gone, I want my kids to say that they have great memories of me, not of the things that they had. Keep your chin up; no matter how much money you have, someone will always have more and can do more for their kids when it comes to buying their affection. Love - true love, cannot be bought.
*taking off my Oprah hat*
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Oct 16, 2001
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When we first started out we didnt have much. But there was always food on the table, gas in the car, bills always paid, a roof over our head and clothes on our back. The rest while nice isnt needed to raise a child well. Parents being parents is whats needed.

"oversea trip, expensive sport activity," We have never been over seas, so what. My parents never took me over seas, such is life. Why is an expensive sport activity better than one that is cheaper

Sounds like you need to get your prioroties straight.

As for over coming this its simple, dont have the money, do other things that are free or cheap.

Been a father for 19 years now, and have 3 kids.

You can also show them this when they say why dont you buy me anything, or why does Little Johhny have this and I dont

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Helloworld232 wrote:
Apr 19th, 2016 3:13 am
Thank you for all the replies. I understand what you mean by just loving your child and being there for them. We have no problem being with our child.. playing catch, going to the park,etc(thats not the problem). The thing is, there is only so much the child can expose to from these activities when comparing to ... let say.. an trip in Europe.

lets put it this way:

Family day at the near park < Family trip in Disneyland
Going to the Public local Library < sending your kids to private school
Watching your kids playing hockey with a well organized team-driven environment < watching your kids playing the swing with some random kids at your local park
Stop trying to keep up with the Jonese, or the Joneses kids.

Just raise your kids the way you see fit. Why do your kids need to be exposed to all this stuff? Not saying its not good if they are, but guess what, kids and adults dont always get what they want. This is why there is so much me me me these days, parents thought kids need to be constantly bombarded with everything to grow up right

Family trip to Disneyland - Family trip camping

Private school - public school

Hockey - baseball
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May 12, 2009
684 posts
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Sometimes the Jones can't keep up with the Jones. I know families that look great from the outside, but are totally over extended on credit to provide these "extras" for their kids, or who rely on family members to pay for it all. I have a well-off group of friends that pass around a big bin of maternity clothes, compare their garage sale and Sally Ann finds and are always happy to take hand-me-downs. The big trip at my house is a weekend with friends at their cottage. It's a real cottage, not one of those Muskoka mansions. The memories made there with family and friends are absolutely priceless. When our kids are older they can choose to travel and pay for it themselves just like I did. They whine and moaning about wanting this and that, but the fact is I am not a millionaire and they need to learn to live with their means.

Now we are a hockey family, that's our big expense. People are always donate their unwanted equipment for us so that cost is reasonable, and we pass our too-small stuff along in turn. We car pool, bring our own food with us, skip hotel stays. The city has a program to reduce the cost for those in need. We're doing ball hockey this spring which is way cheaper than ice hockey. There are alternatives.
Member
Apr 18, 2005
421 posts
75 upvotes
Helloworld232 wrote:
Apr 19th, 2016 3:13 am
Thank you for all the replies. I understand what you mean by just loving your child and being there for them. We have no problem being with our child.. playing catch, going to the park,etc(thats not the problem). The thing is, there is only so much the child can expose to from these activities when comparing to ... let say.. an trip in Europe.

lets put it this way:

Family day at the near park < Family trip in Disneyland
Going to the Public local Library < sending your kids to private school
Watching your kids playing hockey with a well organized team-driven environment < watching your kids playing the swing with some random kids at your local park
I didn't grow up with any of those things. I didn't know any kids who had those things either. I went to Disney in my 20s twice. I'll probably bring mine there at least once.

I didn't go to private school, but my parents sent me to the best public school in the area. I still went on to the best public high school in the area. After that, I went to one of Canada's top rated universities. Because my parents didn't send me to private school, they could afford to send all four of us to university, live in residence, and eat on campus, all in the days before RESPs. That's despite making less than minimum wage and working 20 hour shifts (they owned their own business).

One of my siblings brought up her child with Disneyland trips every year. He's been in private school all his life. He played competitive hockey, competed for Canada in swimming and was edged out of the Olympic finals by a hair. He also went to the top level of his martial arts training. He was accepted into the same universities that I did and for the same programs.

We've both been to Europe, my nephew went with his friends, while I went on a work trip and my company paid for mine.

At the end of the day, it's the parents that really shape the child. Disney, school, sports, ... they're all memories after awhile. My parents provided me with the best they could and worked 20 hour days at some points to do it. My nephew's parents provided him with the best they could and he's now giving a large chunk of his salary to repay their mortgage. Both of us saw our parents caring, loving and sacrificing, and I don't think either of us can say one way was better than the other.
Sr. Member
Feb 10, 2008
561 posts
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Toronto
chew1e wrote:
Apr 20th, 2016 4:49 pm
IMHO, there is nothing more valuable that I can give my children than time. While I am able to provide more than the basics for my kids, they outgrow them. They don't outgrow the times spent kicking a soccer ball or going to a park they've never been to in our town or walking down by the river. The sum of what I want from my life is not the amount of money in my bank account or the stuff I can give my children, but the experiences that enrich my life and theirs - and experiences don't equal money, but again, they, IMHO, do equal time. When I'm gone, I want my kids to say that they have great memories of me, not of the things that they had. Keep your chin up; no matter how much money you have, someone will always have more and can do more for their kids when it comes to buying their affection. Love - true love, cannot be bought.
*taking off my Oprah hat*
+1 to this! I grew up low-middle class...never had all the fancy toys, vacations, new car at 16, etc. but we did get A LOT of "stuff" compared to other kids at the time. But, you want to know what I remember most of my childhood? It was the TIME with my family. My parents were always around, mother was a stay at home mom and worked part time when we were older, father rarely if ever worked very late or on weekends. Family vacations were camping, or the occasional trip within Canada to see extended family. I'm about to have my first child, and if I learned anything growing up, it's more about spending time with your kids than what you can buy them!
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Oct 6, 2005
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Helloworld232 wrote:
Apr 19th, 2016 3:13 am
Remember, experiences are just that, experiences. Experiencing the awe of the Colosseum and standing where gladiators stood is an experience, but so is taking in the natural beauty and walking on the glaciers in your very own province (since you live in Alberta) or going to see the dinosaurs at the world famous Royal Tyrrell museum in Drumheller (again in Alberta).
Good point, people pay big money from overseas to visit Banff National Park, the Columbia Ice Fields, and the Dinosaur Provincial Park. Calgary Zoo is fantastic and arguably the best zoo in the country and one of the best in North America - much better than the Toronto Zoo which is a dump.
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Nov 30, 2005
548 posts
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Dont listen to those commoners talking about character smeracter. Take a second mortgage on the house and make sure your kids ride in style. Make sure to teach them that the most important thing in life is the cold hard cash. Anyone in dirty clothes are evil and should be looked down upon and avoided. Only hang with thr cool kids with expensive stuff. Everyone knows you need to spend 5k ona trip to Europe to discovery yourself.
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Nov 15, 2008
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Helloworld232 wrote:
Apr 19th, 2016 3:13 am
Family day at the near park < Family trip in Disneyland
Going to the Public local Library < sending your kids to private school
Watching your kids playing hockey with a well organized team-driven environment < watching your kids playing the swing with some random kids at your local park
I was taken to Disneyland at 6-7 and I don't remember a damn thing, except there are pictures (mostly of me crying and my brother smiling: he picked on me a lot) so even my reconstructed memories aren't worth remembering. I also went to Europe at 11 because my father came from there.

My parents weren't highly educated and there weren't a lot of books in the house but my mother did take me to the library constantly and everyone did sit down to be silent and quietly read the paper and magazines, so I learned to be quiet and read too. Somehow I ended up in the gifted classes with all the professionals kids and it was like being in a private school environment within the public school, with lots of perks (more/better textbooks, more field trips, classroom size < 20, one-on-one tutoring in school hours).

I didn't get to do team sports and that's something I feel I missed out on. That's a unique experience, but surely there are sports like soccer and baseball that are cheaper than hockey. Even being part of a track team is team sports.

Where my parents (mother) failed is in personal care. No haircuts, limited/extremely delayed access to the doctor when needed, clean laundry was always a problem. I was dressed in a combination of hand-me-downs (pilled polyester women's pussybow blouses and my brother's worn out jeans) and I may as well have been tagged as a leper, because my appearance repelled all the other kids and made me an outcast.

Expensive luxuries don't make up for a lack of basic needs.
Newbie
Oct 13, 2014
6 posts
5 upvotes
Toronto, ON
When we were kids our parents had financial means to get us what we wanted, but they would say no to around 90% of things we wanted, it was different for things we really needed. They did this to teach us that we will never get everything we want in life, and that we need to learn to control our desires, and be able to distinguish between wants and needs, and it is important to learn this early on in your life.

We are using the same approach with our kids. Going to vacations is necessary but it is not mandatory to live ones life and as long as you have financial means to do that you should do it, but you shouldn't feel that you are a bad parent
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Sep 23, 2014
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Helloworld232 wrote:
Apr 19th, 2016 3:13 am
Thank you for all the replies. I understand what you mean by just loving your child and being there for them. We have no problem being with our child.. playing catch, going to the park,etc(thats not the problem). The thing is, there is only so much the child can expose to from these activities when comparing to ... let say.. an trip in Europe.

lets put it this way:

Family day at the near park < Family trip in Disneyland
Going to the Public local Library < sending your kids to private school
Watching your kids playing hockey with a well organized team-driven environment < watching your kids playing the swing with some random kids at your local park
Let me tell you first hand that private school is over rated and while I have the means, my son is not going to one. I was educated by one of the world's best public school system (singapore) and I can tell you that private school education here is all about the hardware (better facilities, newer classroom etc) and nothing in the software (character, quality or rigor of education). He is not going to get a sheltered life and I want him to experience the full spectrum of the society.

As for hockey, many parents have the pipe dream that their kids will be drafted which statistically speaking is less than that of winning the lottery and a few hundred grand is spent chasing the dream. Not to mention the very high risk of concussions, there are plenty of other much more affordable and equally Canadian sports that my son will be enrolled in.

As for disneyland, it is not too big of a stretch since its not too far away, so a few years of prudent saving can make that trip feasible. Europe is a different story and I not even sure if its feasible to visit there safely in the next few years. (lived in europe for 4 years btw)

We are very fortunate to be in Canada, its a country with so much to offer and most of them is free (world's best national parks) that is the envy of the world. Take advantage of that and let the big natural backyard mold your kid - not the artificial stuff.
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Newbie
Jul 1, 2007
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Toronto
at1212b wrote:
Apr 18th, 2016 1:43 pm
The best thing to teach your kids are character and perseverance. There are 2 schools of family philosophies.. the Character driven home.. or Consumer driven home. Just do a search and you'll learn more about it and how it can apply to you.
This is easily the most accurate statement in the entire thread.

I'm a family physician with kids and I'll answer your thread from 2 perspectives:

1. The research: Much of current studies show that one of the few consistent advantages a parent can provide their children is to teach them to persevere. This is the character at1212b is referring to. A child who is praised on his/her intelligence whenever they do well will only work as far as their perceived intelligence takes them. If they fail at something, they'll blame it on their intelligence, or lack thereof and give up much easier than a child who is praised as being a hard worker. You don't need money to show your children that they should try hard in life. You just need to show them that when they succeed it is because of their effort and their dedication, not just some sort of inborn intelligence. Families with fewer resources tend to have less organized activities for their children, but research seems to show that these children are better at time planning, and also a bit less likely to have depression and anxiety than children coming out of families with helicopter parenting styles. It's not all bad.

Don't sell yourself short. Your parenting style is what matters. Toys and activities are fun, but like anything, bad in excess. Not buying your kids designer clothes/iphone/ipad/ps4/etc is not neccessarily a bad thing. You just need to lead by example and show them how you're working hard for their future and emphasize work ethic and your kids will do fine.
Watch this Ted Talk that summarizes everything very well: https://www.ted.com/speakers/angela_lee_duckworth

2. My personal experience: I came from an immigrant family and when we all came to Canada decades ago, we also had very little money. My parents never even knew about all the extra-curricular activities they could enroll me in and we never took any vacations. I went to some terrible public schools were I was bullied and got into regular fights but I also went to some great public schools that nurtured me academically and socially. Still, I learned most through my parents, who worked extremely hard to advance their careers and also provide for me. Their efforts to helped to set a great example for me to pursue my dreams but also deal with the many failures that inevitably came about. Success doesn't come about from making a few good choices. It comes very slowly, on a long path with far more failures than victories. Most people only see a shallow snapshot and automatically assume that successful people were born with a trust fund and a silver spoon in their mouths.

Hope this helps.
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Rock* wrote:
May 23rd, 2016 2:45 pm
This is easily the most accurate statement in the entire thread.

I'm a family physician with kids and I'll answer your thread from 2 perspectives:

1. The research: Much of current studies show that one of the few consistent advantages a parent can provide their children is to teach them to persevere. This is the character at1212b is referring to. A child who is praised on his/her intelligence whenever they do well will only work as far as their perceived intelligence takes them. If they fail at something, they'll blame it on their intelligence, or lack thereof and give up much easier than a child who is praised as being a hard worker. You don't need money to show your children that they should try hard in life. You just need to show them that when they succeed it is because of their effort and their dedication, not just some sort of inborn intelligence. Families with fewer resources tend to have less organized activities for their children, but research seems to show that these children are better at time planning, and also a bit less likely to have depression and anxiety than children coming out of families with helicopter parenting styles. It's not all bad.

Don't sell yourself short. Your parenting style is what matters. Toys and activities are fun, but like anything, bad in excess. Not buying your kids designer clothes/iphone/ipad/ps4/etc is not neccessarily a bad thing. You just need to lead by example and show them how you're working hard for their future and emphasize work ethic and your kids will do fine.
Watch this Ted Talk that summarizes everything very well: https://www.ted.com/speakers/angela_lee_duckworth

2. My personal experience: I came from an immigrant family and when we all came to Canada decades ago, we also had very little money. My parents never even knew about all the extra-curricular activities they could enroll me in and we never took any vacations. I went to some terrible public schools were I was bullied and got into regular fights but I also went to some great public schools that nurtured me academically and socially. Still, I learned most through my parents, who worked extremely hard to advance their careers and also provide for me. Their efforts to helped to set a great example for me to pursue my dreams but also deal with the many failures that inevitably came about. Success doesn't come about from making a few good choices. It comes very slowly, on a long path with far more failures than victories. Most people only see a shallow snapshot and automatically assume that successful people were born with a trust fund and a silver spoon in their mouths.

Hope this helps.
Im with this, and all the years Ive been a parent, Im looked as the odd one when it comes to raising kids. Do our kids have things, yes. But if they wanted extra things, they saved up and bought it themselves. Example: Oldest son had a PS3 we got him for Christmas. Dont usually buy expensive gifts like that but with the deal I found it was fairly cheap. PS4 comes out, he wanted one of course. But we said what you have is fine, want one, save for it. He did and bought it. Out of our control and since we dont helicopter parent, was up to him to spend the money, or save it.

When we gave allowances, if they used it up, they never got an advance, ever. We didnt care if they spent it the first day on whatever, wanted to teach them to make money last.

We have never taken our kids to Disneyland, any place tropical or the like, and they grew up and are growing up fine. We have a strong family bond still, eat 99% of suppers at the kitchen table, and show our kids yu dont always get what you want, even when you are an adult.

Ive never been about money showing how I love my kids. My time spent with them is something worth more than money when they get older
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Spidey wrote:
May 24th, 2016 11:05 am
We have never taken our kids to Disneyland, any place tropical or the like, and they grew up and are growing up fine. We have a strong family bond still, eat 99% of suppers at the kitchen table, and show our kids yu dont always get what you want, even when you are an adult.
Have you taken your children on any vacation anywhere outside of Canada? Seeing and experiencing other cultures is something that can't be replicated in the class room, through the TV, or in books. Even heading to different parts of Canada or the United States can be a good cultural experience for children.
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coolspot wrote:
May 24th, 2016 1:50 pm
Have you taken your children on any vacation anywhere outside of Canada? Seeing and experiencing other cultures is something that can't be replicated in the class room, through the TV, or in books. Even heading to different parts of Canada or the United States can be a good cultural experience for children.
Yes we have, just not by plane. Just the US. Sure seeing other cultures is nice, but Im not going into the hole just to give that to my kids. Seeing other parts of Canada is good to, many go to all these places, and barely leave the confines of their own province to see the rest of the country.

Doesnt matter anyway, I cant turn back time and re-do things anyway. It is what it is now

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