Parenting & Family

not able to provide the best for your kids....

  • Last Updated:
  • Jun 27th, 2017 2:49 pm
Tags:
None
Deal Expert
Oct 6, 2005
15928 posts
1840 upvotes
Spidey wrote:
May 24th, 2016 2:29 pm
Sure seeing other cultures is nice, but Im not going into the hole just to give that to my kids.
I find it shocking at the number of "poor" families that break the bank to take their children to Disneyland / Disney World. You can tell by the way they dress, talk, act, that the trip is a once in a lifetime type of thing, but that they probably paid for the whole thing on a credit card...
Newbie
Jul 1, 2007
24 posts
6 upvotes
Toronto
Spidey wrote:
May 24th, 2016 11:05 am
We have never taken our kids to Disneyland, any place tropical or the like, and they grew up and are growing up fine. We have a strong family bond still, eat 99% of suppers at the kitchen table
Interesting you mention eating dinners together and having a strong family bond. This is also supported by research: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/fy1195
Other benefits include better dietary patterns, less risky behaviours once children grow to be teenagers, fewer psychiatric conditions, and many more other benefits.

Sounds like you're doing just fine.

People, listen to this guy. Either he has been doing his parenting research, or he stumbled on a great parenting strategy, or both.

Bravo!
Deal Guru
User avatar
Dec 7, 2009
13357 posts
1210 upvotes
What children need more than anything is a sense that there is justice in the world. They need to know that they deserve the same as the person next to them (they are not adults and cannot self-determine) and they need to know that if they are wronged, an adult will take their grievance seriously. If you give a kid the confidence that all people are treated fairly then they will grow up with a healthy and mature attitude toward having/not having and winning/losing in general.
In a perfect system, corporations would fear the government and the government would fear the people. - David Wong

Check out caRpetbomBer's picks in this thread.
Deal Expert
Oct 6, 2005
15928 posts
1840 upvotes
Syne wrote:
May 25th, 2016 4:38 am
What children need more than anything is a sense that there is justice in the world. They need to know that they deserve the same as the person next to them (they are not adults and cannot self-determine) and they need to know that if they are wronged, an adult will take their grievance seriously.
Sorry Syne, but equality for children is not practical - each child is born into their own unique circumstances. We can provide education and social support, but success in life cannot be guaranteed.
Syne wrote:
May 25th, 2016 4:38 am
they will grow up with a healthy and mature attitude toward having/not having and winning/losing in general.
Based on your posts, it seems that you've been on the losing side of life? Perhaps time to change course and try something else :D
Deal Expert
User avatar
Oct 16, 2001
76608 posts
1553 upvotes
Rock* wrote:
May 25th, 2016 1:28 am
Interesting you mention eating dinners together and having a strong family bond. This is also supported by research: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/fy1195
Other benefits include better dietary patterns, less risky behaviours once children grow to be teenagers, fewer psychiatric conditions, and many more other benefits.

Sounds like you're doing just fine.

People, listen to this guy. Either he has been doing his parenting research, or he stumbled on a great parenting strategy, or both.

Bravo!
We did a lot of things as they grew up that made other parents think we were "bad parents" Mostly said from helicopter parents. The kind that open the car door for their kid, grab their backpack for them and carry it and then open the door to school. While I get out of my vehicle and the kids do all of that on their own. When they are maybe in kindergarten, help out sure. But if a kid is in grade 5 and their parents are doing all that, and then inside hanging up the kids coat, really, whats worse for the kid.

We never had an issue with bedtime, bedtime was a set time when they were younger. None of this, I need a drink of water, I need this, I need that to drag it out. Once they were in bed, they were in bed. It was for two reasons.

1. So they get a good sleep for school and so their body was used to going to bed. While other people let their kids up until 10 or 11 because their kids wanted to, the next day they were either zombies or irritable from lack of sleep.
2. So mom & dad could have some time to themselves. Bed time was 8 pm, so we had 2-3 hours to ourselves. Good or bad, parents were a couple before kids, so why loose that just so kids can stay up later.

Even now as the kids are older, we do sit down for meal, mostly supper. The odd breakfast on a Sunday maybe, but since everyone gets up at different times, its not the norm.

Ive posted tons in the parenting forums over the years, and Ive got everything from "I'd hate you to be my dad" Mostly because I didnt allow the use of M-rated video games by the kids, to "why dont you let your kids do that"

My motto is, and always will be, Im you're father, not your friend. And right or wrong, if you try to be your kids friend, then they will walk all over you
Sr. Member
Jan 2, 2015
945 posts
335 upvotes
Syne wrote:
May 25th, 2016 4:38 am
What children need more than anything is a sense that there is justice in the world. They need to know that they deserve the same as the person next to them (they are not adults and cannot self-determine) and they need to know that if they are wronged, an adult will take their grievance seriously. If you give a kid the confidence that all people are treated fairly then they will grow up with a healthy and mature attitude toward having/not having and winning/losing in general.
I take it you don't have kids. Fair and justice are very subjective. I think teaching kids that everyone is equal is not reality, and not everyone 'deserves' the same. Kids need to learn that their actions and choices will help shaped the outcome, but not necessrily dictate the outcome. They need to learn there are others with more, but there are others with less, they need to be happy and grateful for what they have, but work for what they want. They need to not look at what others have but rather work with work they have. Really, what is fair? Is it that everyone gets the same, or they get what they need? People are different and kids need to learn THAT.

Spidey wrote:
May 25th, 2016 10:59 am
We did a lot of things as they grew up that made other parents think we were "bad parents" Mostly said from helicopter parents. The kind that open the car door for their kid, grab their backpack for them and carry it and then open the door to school. While I get out of my vehicle and the kids do all of that on their own. When they are maybe in kindergarten, help out sure. But if a kid is in grade 5 and their parents are doing all that, and then inside hanging up the kids coat, really, whats worse for the kid.

We never had an issue with bedtime, bedtime was a set time when they were younger. None of this, I need a drink of water, I need this, I need that to drag it out. Once they were in bed, they were in bed. It was for two reasons.

1. So they get a good sleep for school and so their body was used to going to bed. While other people let their kids up until 10 or 11 because their kids wanted to, the next day they were either zombies or irritable from lack of sleep.
2. So mom & dad could have some time to themselves. Bed time was 8 pm, so we had 2-3 hours to ourselves. Good or bad, parents were a couple before kids, so why loose that just so kids can stay up later.

Even now as the kids are older, we do sit down for meal, mostly supper. The odd breakfast on a Sunday maybe, but since everyone gets up at different times, its not the norm.

Ive posted tons in the parenting forums over the years, and Ive got everything from "I'd hate you to be my dad" Mostly because I didnt allow the use of M-rated video games by the kids, to "why dont you let your kids do that"

My motto is, and always will be, Im you're father, not your friend. And right or wrong, if you try to be your kids friend, then they will walk all over you
Totally agree with almost everything in post. We have stricter rules and higher expectations for our kids. We are not their friend, but aim to be their support.
Deal Expert
User avatar
Oct 26, 2003
26685 posts
1650 upvotes
Winnipeg
coolspot wrote:
May 24th, 2016 2:40 pm
I find it shocking at the number of "poor" families that break the bank to take their children to Disneyland / Disney World. You can tell by the way they dress, talk, act, that the trip is a once in a lifetime type of thing, but that they probably paid for the whole thing on a credit card...
op got a 1st world problem, typical of a "poor" person from a 1st world with no understanding of what it actually means to be poor. I suppose op can do some research on what it means to be poor for the rest of the world, if only to help him/her feel better about his situation.
Deal Expert
User avatar
Oct 16, 2001
76608 posts
1553 upvotes
divx wrote:
May 26th, 2016 1:34 am
op got a 1st world problem, typical of a "poor" person from a 1st world with no understanding of what it actually means to be poor. I suppose op can do some research on what it means to be poor for the rest of the world, if only to help him/her feel better about his situation.
I came from a poor family, living on a farm. And while my parents werent able to "provide" me the fancy trips, etc. I always had food on the table and a roof over my head and their time. I didnt even have running water or indoor plumbing until I was 8 years old. Our trips were fishing trips and car trips to see family.

Everything turned out fine, and makes me realize how good I have it now.

I see many of these kids that get all this, the trips, every sport, mom & dad sacrifice to provide a lifestyle they cant sustain. And they grow up into little whiny asses, not appreciating a damn thing, and just always wanting more
Deal Expert
User avatar
Oct 16, 2001
76608 posts
1553 upvotes
Syne wrote:
May 25th, 2016 4:38 am
What children need more than anything is a sense that there is justice in the world. They need to know that they deserve the same as the person next to them (they are not adults and cannot self-determine) and they need to know that if they are wronged, an adult will take their grievance seriously. If you give a kid the confidence that all people are treated fairly then they will grow up with a healthy and mature attitude toward having/not having and winning/losing in general.
Sorry thats not real life, and you obviosuly dont have kids. Thats whats wrong today, everyone is equal. No one wins in a game anymore, because there is no score. Everyone gets a ribbon and medal. Whats that teaching them, that you can just coast and get the same as the person that works harder, trains more, goes to school. Really, then you graduate high school and get screwed over.

My motto is, and even as an adult, "You dont always get what you want"

LIFES NOT FAIR, thats the truth. And that I have taught my kids their entire life. Yes it sucks, but its better than sugar coating life so when they are on their own they actually realize that they arent a special flower, they are just another face and no one cares about them

Parenting wrong, dont think so, Im preparing them for the real world. And they are confident, maybe more so because of what we have taught them
Deal Guru
User avatar
Dec 7, 2009
13357 posts
1210 upvotes
Sorry I haven't had a chance to reply to these. I've been busy.
coolspot wrote:
May 25th, 2016 10:34 am
Sorry Syne, but equality for children is not practical - each child is born into their own unique circumstances. We can provide education and social support, but success in life cannot be guaranteed.

Based on your posts, it seems that you've been on the losing side of life? Perhaps time to change course and try something else :D
Thanks for the tip.

As to your point on the practicality of providing equality of opportunity, it's really not a black and white thing. In the same way that we try to provide the best health care and education for everyone, we can take further steps to try to keep the playing field level. That could mean subsidized ECs, guaranteed field trips, and education aimed at reducing stigmatization based on class.
Macx2mommy wrote:
May 26th, 2016 12:43 am
I take it you don't have kids. Fair and justice are very subjective. I think teaching kids that everyone is equal is not reality, and not everyone 'deserves' the same. Kids need to learn that their actions and choices will help shaped the outcome, but not necessrily dictate the outcome. They need to learn there are others with more, but there are others with less, they need to be happy and grateful for what they have, but work for what they want. They need to not look at what others have but rather work with work they have. Really, what is fair? Is it that everyone gets the same, or they get what they need? People are different and kids need to learn THAT.
I think you are misunderstanding. I'm not saying that there is no such thing as genetic predisposition. I don't think your average white kid will beat your average black kid in a foot race. It's just not going to happen - and while you are correct that while certain choices a child makes may dictate outcome, they should not believe that their parents' choices are negatively dictating their outcomes. Meaning, just because my mom goes to PTA meetings and is friends with my teacher, it shouldn't mean that some neglected kid's education or concerns regarding bullying are taken less seriously. It shouldn't mean that they miss field trips and don't get pictures on picture day, or get a granola bar instead of a healthy lunch. Do you see what I mean? In some respects, for certain vulnerable groups, life should be fair.
Spidey wrote:
May 26th, 2016 11:39 am
Sorry thats not real life, and you obviosuly dont have kids. Thats whats wrong today, everyone is equal. No one wins in a game anymore, because there is no score. Everyone gets a ribbon and medal. Whats that teaching them, that you can just coast and get the same as the person that works harder, trains more, goes to school. Really, then you graduate high school and get screwed over.
Easy grandpa. You're tilting at windmills. Again, this isn't "everyone gets a gold medal". Basically everything I just told Macx2mommy applies here. Equality of opportunity, not equality of outcome.
My motto is, and even as an adult, "You dont always get what you want"

LIFES NOT FAIR, thats the truth. And that I have taught my kids their entire life. Yes it sucks, but its better than sugar coating life so when they are on their own they actually realize that they arent a special flower, they are just another face and no one cares about them

Parenting wrong, dont think so, Im preparing them for the real world. And they are confident, maybe more so because of what we have taught them
I will just say again, this isn't about rewarding kids for doing poorly or making them think they are entitled to a life of riches. It's just about making sure that the things outside of their control are not impacting the way others view them.
In a perfect system, corporations would fear the government and the government would fear the people. - David Wong

Check out caRpetbomBer's picks in this thread.
Deal Addict
User avatar
Nov 15, 2005
2994 posts
185 upvotes
You're a good parent, the fact that you want to provide a better life for you kid proves that. This doesn't mean you have to spend money, kids just want you to be able to spend quality time with them. As long as they are enjoying themselves, it doesn't really matter where they are at whether it be at the local park or an amusement park.

If you want something for you kid, see if there are swap meets around your area. I find that most parents tend to take good care of their kid's belongings and you can get it for a pretty decent deal. I recently gave some stuff away to a family that's moving into their first place. Just keep on loving your kid and teach them right from wrong, they will value that more than anything.
Are you a new parent and looking for freebies for your newborn, go here:
Freebies for your Newborn
Sr. Member
Jan 2, 2015
945 posts
335 upvotes
Syne wrote:
Jun 1st, 2016 10:17 pm


1. As to your point on the practicality of providing equality of opportunity, it's really not a black and white thing. In the same way that we try to provide the best health care and education for everyone, we can take further steps to try to keep the playing field level. That could mean subsidized ECs, guaranteed field trips, and education aimed at reducing stigmatization based on class.


2. I think you are misunderstanding. I'm not saying that there is no such thing as genetic predisposition. I don't think your average white kid will beat your average black kid in a foot race. It's just not going to happen - and while you are correct that while certain choices a child makes may dictate outcome, they should not believe that their parents' choices are negatively dictating their outcomes. Meaning, just because my mom goes to PTA meetings and is friends with my teacher, it shouldn't mean that some neglected kid's education or concerns regarding bullying are taken less seriously. It shouldn't mean that they miss field trips and don't get pictures on picture day, or get a granola bar instead of a healthy lunch. Do you see what I mean? In some respects, for certain vulnerable groups, life should be fair.


3. I will just say again, this isn't about rewarding kids for doing poorly or making them think they are entitled to a life of riches. It's just about making sure that the things outside of their control are not impacting the way others view them.
1. They do have this, it public school. In our kids school, those who cannot afford something can have it subsidized. It is a policy that any activity that a parent cannot afford, the school or parent council will pay for it. In the areas where the schools are in poor ere neighbourhoods, they actually get more funding per child than other schools because they have more challenges. The school board provides more because the parents cannot afford it.

2. The choices that parents make, either good or bad do influence the child's life. That is just a fact. It doesn't determine the child's life, but it will be harder for a child with negative parenting choices to make it than one with positive choices. This is not about money though. There are many programs to help the vulnerable, but often it takes a parent or someone watching out for th child to access the program. The teachers and programs can only do so much. Kids I'll often get their values fro. Their parents. If the parents don't care, the kids most likely won't. It's a sad part of life isn't fair. Theses kids do need someone to advocate for them and that should be there parents.

3. This is the part we are saying, life isn't fair, most things are outside of the control of a child. In fact most thing are outside the control of a person.
Deal Addict
User avatar
Nov 15, 2005
2994 posts
185 upvotes
Spidey wrote:
May 24th, 2016 11:05 am
We have a strong family bond still,eat 99% of suppers at the kitchen table, and show our kids yu dont always get what you want, even when you are an adult.
Good for you for doing this, it's something I always tend to do. My oldest son is 3.5 and we get him to sit at the table to eat. One thing I ban is any electronic devices at the dinner table, I absolutely cannot stand it. If he is learning to stare at the screen while eating at this age, I can't imagine what will happen when he is older. As they get older, this might be the only place and time we will get to sit together and catch up.
Are you a new parent and looking for freebies for your newborn, go here:
Freebies for your Newborn
Jr. Member
Dec 23, 2008
157 posts
76 upvotes
Toronto
I grew up in poverty and somewhat of a broken home. My father was a pathological liar who stole a lot, which forced us to flee a lot. We easily moved around 3-4 times per year and he would promise my mom the moon and lied about stealing. Eventually, my mother caught on and did her best to protect me from the truth, so I was unaware of why we moved so much. I remember being broke and not having any friends because we wouldn't stay long enough to meet people. When I finally had friends, my father would secretly speak to my friend's parents and tried to borrow money or else he wouldn't let me play with their kids. Obviously, they would simply tell their kids to avoid me. I remember my mom saving up to finally buy me a nintendo since I didn't have any friends. I would spend most of my time on it until one day it disappeared. Eventually, I learned that my father traded it for a carton of cigarettes. A few years later, he took his life and left my mom, who was a stay-at-home french speaking woman in Ontario, in debt with a bunch of head hunters looking for their money.

I realize this is a lot of information but it was to set the scene to just how strapped for cash we were. Eventually my mom found a very basic job and worked all the time simply to have a roof over our heads, some food on the table and keep the head hunters at bay. Of course, I was just a kid and she did such a good job protecting me from my father's habits that I had no idea just how broke we were. I remember one occasion where I wanted to go to the theaters with some friends and asked her for 5$ for the movies and a popcorn and she told me that she couldn't afford it. I remember telling her that she was a liar and cheap and how upset I was that she always worked on Christmas and New years instead of staying home with me. To think back, I must have broken her heart that day. Anyway, eventually my mom got me involved in a youth center we had in the city and I would spend 6-7 hours a day there during the summer and made a bunch of friends and didn't need money. As I started getting older, I started using realizing just how hard my mom worked to try and survive and everything changed. She became my hero that day and from there on, I was must have been about 15, I started working right away to make my own money and chip in for groceries. I started understanding that holidays meant overtime, which meant that my mom could actually give me a gift for Christmas.

I know I went off in this response but I simply wanted you to know that when I think back on my childhood, I'm not miserable about how broke we were, I simply think about how wonderful my mom was and all the hard work she did to protect me and to provide for me. I kinda made it a life mission to get us out of poverty by working harder than my colleagues and working long hours, like my mom did, to show that I am serious and reliable. Today, I have 2 children of my own, a house, a 6-figure job and I take my mother on vacation with us every year because she never had the opportunity to prepare her retirement. It's my turn to take care of her. As for my father, he played a big role too. He showed me everything wrong about providing for your family and how to be a terrible dad. It's oddly a good reference point when the kids are acting up and I need a reason to stay calm.

Don't worry about buying toys, just protect your children and do the best you can. Eventually, they will see everything you have done for them and will thank you.

Cheers!
Sr. Member
Mar 19, 2015
620 posts
120 upvotes
Canada
I agree that kids from well-off families are lucky and privileged and probably have more enriched lives. But kids in elementary school probably don't care about trips, private school, fancy birthday parties, going to restaurants, nice clothes. Kids usually care about toys or reading books, cartoons, playing outside. Definitely, take your kid out of the house and go to parks, zoo, swimming class, local community centre, YMCA.

I believe that it is important to teach your kids how to play sports and self-defence. It's embarrassing if you are bad in sports. Kids are violent. Even the kids in private school are bullies and violent.

If you can't afford to bring your kid to community centre or YMCA, then you can go to park and teach them to play sports. Or jog around the park, etc.

I've never been to summer camp so I wouldn't know if it is scary (for shy kids) or fun. Most likely, fun. Can you trust the people who work at summer camps? Usually teenagers work at summer camps. Some teenagers are weird.

Teenage kids probably do care about their clothes. Don't really care about trips, private school.

If you have the money, it's okay to spend it on your kids. But it's weird if the parents don't work, they have fancy birthday parties for their little kids or buy expensive toys. Why spoil them at such a young age? The kids will expect to be spoiled their whole lives.

Kids seem to be smarter now. Like when you see kids on reality shows, they are articulate or smart, can cook at such a young age, work very hard in their dance class, etc.

Definitely, being an underprivileged or neglected kid can be a disadvantage. Some parents ignore their kids. They are obsessed with working, doing household chores, forcing their kids to do homework exercises or they probably don't relate to their kids (they don't understand their kids so they just ignore their kids). The kids end up starving for attention and will look for attention from other people. The kids could end up in trouble because they were trying to get attention from the wrong people ( bullies, abusers, child molesters, criminal gangs, juvenile delinquents, bad people or start having sex at a young age, etc).


-

Top