Parenting & Family

Is it odd for a father to register the kid for school?

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  • May 22nd, 2017 1:56 am
Newbie
Apr 30, 2017
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Is it odd for a father to register the kid for school?

Second thread in the parenting section. This is how I know Im old.....I kid I kid!

So, I need some advice on this. My older son is going into grade 7 (middle school). His mother and I are have been separated since he was 3 years old (nothing legal). For the past 9 years, his school has been downtown Toronto around his mothers area, but he lives at my house 70-75% of the year every year. I live in Etobicoke, so the commute to and from school has been SAVAGE. Anywho, I now have argued my point and we have finally agreed that it obviously makes sense for him to go to school by me in Etobicoke (Since hes here anyways).

When I called the middle school today to ask what is needed to register, I was bombarded with a bunch of questions, which is cool. Some I felt were unnecessary, but again, its ok. When the school secretary understood the situation of him moving to my house now (which I didn't have to disclose, but I did because hey...why not right?), she said to register I will need a letter from mom stating that he is with me now and he will be attending this school. To be clear, I have no issue getting this letter. Thats not a problem, but I guess I felt offended a bit. Why do I need a letter from mom? Anytime his mother called around to schools and asked questions she was never asked to get a letter , from dad. So why do I need a letter? We dont have a legal agreement or anything. Heck, the secretary wouldnt have known anything if I didnt say.I could have just said "Hes coming from a school downtown and we are now moving him to your school in Etobicoke, what do I need?" If we went to court, then I would understand, but we didnt go that route thankfully. So I was a little heated up over that. She also went on to say that I need to bring proof of address and it MUST be lease or a letter from the landlord. Again, I have no issues with this , but according to the tdsb, you actually just need to bring proof of address such as banking statement, phone bill etc. So I started wondering why she insisted on lease. To be honest, it seemed as though she started giving me a hard time for some reason. Not sure why.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Would you have been offended, or is it just me? Is she even allowed to ask for a letter from mom and insist on my lease?

Thanks for everyones help.
25 replies
Deal Addict
Aug 19, 2013
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Maybe this particular school has had issues with people registering kids there that didn't actually live in the area. Or maybe they have had issues with disputes between separated parents before.

Regardless I know it feels like your getting intarogated but I wouldn't take it too personally. If your that interested you could just ask them why they need the extra information.
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Jan 2, 2015
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^agreed with maybe it's because it's a school that only accepts with the area. Our school beside my house is really full, and they ask for a lot of info such as lease, or some proof you actually live there. In our area the school is so full and hard to get in that people rent space or buy rentals just to get their kids in.
On a 'smart' device that isn't always so smart. So please forgive the autocorrects and typos. If it bothers you, then don't read my posts, but don't waste my time correcting me. If you can get past the typos, then my posts generally have some value.
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Aug 22, 2011
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Father here and I registered my kid without any interogation, but as stated above, proof of residence was required due to zones and parents trying to get their kids into specific schools based on ranking.
Deal Guru
Dec 31, 2005
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Never had any issue dealing with the schools. I took in the paperwork for our youngest a couple of months ago.
Newbie
Apr 30, 2017
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Thanks for all the advice. Proof of address is valid. I agree.

What do you guys think about the school asking me to present a letter from mom to register him for school? That is my main concern.
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Jul 5, 2004
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torontocityboy wrote: Thanks for all the advice. Proof of address is valid. I agree.

What do you guys think about the school asking me to present a letter from mom to register him for school? That is my main concern.
My little one is only 15 months old, but I'm starting to realize that society just expects the mother to be the primary parent. I've a very involved dad. I take my son to playgroups and other social events. I regularly pick him up and drop him off at daycare. What I've noticed is that I'm constantly surrounded by mothers and very few, if any fathers. I've yet to see a father at a playgroup. I'm always the only one. I've even had a few questions thrown my way about his mother. I've had comments about how nice it is that I bring my son to playgroups (it's not nice, it's part of being a parent and everyone should expect nothing less).

What I realized is that us guys have done it to ourselves. Society expects the mother to be the primary parent because that's usually the way it is. As I said, I've been to playgroups 20-30 times and I've always been the only male present. When I go to daycare, I rarely see other dads. Dads clearly need to be more involved. I shouldn't be the only one at these playgroups, but that seems to be the way it is.

So I guess to answer your question, yeah, it's a concern but I wouldn't stress about it much. Question it perhaps, but I wouldn't put up much of a fight because your child is involved. Things will change if more Dads get more involved, but until then, mothers will always be considered to be the primary caregiver.
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Aug 19, 2013
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torontocityboy wrote: Thanks for all the advice. Proof of address is valid. I agree.

What do you guys think about the school asking me to present a letter from mom to register him for school? That is my main concern.
When my kids were little (I'm not with their dad anymore) their school's asked me for any court orders or anything I had. It's more so they know the situation in case the other parent shows up at the school wanting to take them etc. They may have only asked for that because you specifically mentioned you guys weren't together.
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Feb 15, 2005
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Momof3cuties wrote: Maybe this particular school has had issues with people registering kids there that didn't actually live in the area. Or maybe they have had issues with disputes between separated parents before.

Regardless I know it feels like your getting intarogated but I wouldn't take it too personally. If your that interested you could just ask them why they need the extra information.
I live in the new suburbs of YEG. The way the school district determines where your child can go is completely arbitrary so the address verification is required since some of the schools are at 120% capacity the day they open. Schools now look at not just where the child supposedly lives but also how many live at that address attend the school. 1 address was found to have 14 kids attending, most of whom were promptly kicked out in the next school year. I guess families really like the burbs, so we have a weird donut shaped population.

Also, there's a major concern for parent abductions. Since your split did not go through the courts, the school is likely covering their butts with the letter. It's the same reason you need a notarized letter when travelling outside of Canada with just 1 parent. If your school has any exchange program outside of Canada, just be prepared for some extra leg work.
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Deal Addict
Apr 28, 2004
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torontocityboy wrote: When the school secretary understood the situation of him moving to my house now (which I didn't have to disclose, but I did because hey...why not right?), she said to register I will need a letter from mom stating that he is with me now and he will be attending this school. To be clear, I have no issue getting this letter. Thats not a problem, but I guess I felt offended a bit. Why do I need a letter from mom? Anytime his mother called around to schools and asked questions she was never asked to get a letter , from dad. So why do I need a letter? We dont have a legal agreement or anything. Heck, the secretary wouldnt have known anything if I didnt say.
The parents are separated and living at two different residences without a legal custodial agreement in place. I would think a letter (at the minimum) would be required to declare residency of the student, as most TDSB schools are reserved for "home area" kids only. As for why the mother was never asked could be dozens of logical reasons (maybe she didn't tell them; maybe your kid was always registered under her address downtown; perhaps the TSDB policy doesn't happen very often as most divorced/separated parents have the court order from Family Court detailing custody; maybe she just never told you because she didn't have to register yet? etc.)
torontocityboy wrote: She also went on to say that I need to bring proof of address and it MUST be lease or a letter from the landlord. Again, I have no issues with this , but according to the tdsb, you actually just need to bring proof of address such as banking statement, phone bill etc. So I started wondering why she insisted on lease. To be honest, it seemed as though she started giving me a hard time for some reason. Not sure why.
As others have said, not unusual. I was asked the same requirements (one HAD to be the house purchase agreement plus two other proofs). Schools that are at overcapacity or high demand are probably stricter, since it's not that hard re-register some bills. I mean I could send my bank statements and cell phone bill to my uncle's house if I really wanted to.
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Apr 28, 2004
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Shaner wrote: My little one is only 15 months old, but I'm starting to realize that society just expects the mother to be the primary parent. I've a very involved dad. I take my son to playgroups and other social events. I regularly pick him up and drop him off at daycare. What I've noticed is that I'm constantly surrounded by mothers and very few, if any fathers. I've yet to see a father at a playgroup. I'm always the only one. I've even had a few questions thrown my way about his mother. I've had comments about how nice it is that I bring my son to playgroups (it's not nice, it's part of being a parent and everyone should expect nothing less).

What I realized is that us guys have done it to ourselves. Society expects the mother to be the primary parent because that's usually the way it is. As I said, I've been to playgroups 20-30 times and I've always been the only male present. When I go to daycare, I rarely see other dads. Dads clearly need to be more involved. I shouldn't be the only one at these playgroups, but that seems to be the way it is.
I think once your kid gets a bit older, that's not the case at all. At 15 months, playgroups aren't about the kids playing together, but a simple excuse for parents to socialize. My wife arranged all the playgroups for my kids at that age with her group of friends or daycare parents. Personally, I'd rather just spend that time with my kid in the park or play with them myself so I never scheduled playgroups on my own. But as the kids got older, it's pretty much 50/50 on which parent I see at birthday parties, at the park, playdate dropoffs, karate classes, etc.
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Mar 9, 2012
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When I took custody of the children, I had to register them to two different school (JK-6 & 7-8) and didn't have any issues. Only question asked was "where you live" so I could get kids into proper school.
Why can't we all just get along?
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Apr 30, 2017
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Momof3cuties wrote:
When my kids were little (I'm not with their dad anymore) their school's asked me for any court orders or anything I had. It's more so they know the situation in case the other parent shows up at the school wanting to take them etc. They may have only asked for that because you specifically mentioned you guys weren't together.
So I guess shes asking me to present this because I mentioned that he is moving down to Etobicoke.
I wonder if I didnt say anything abour his background, ansd just went in for a simple registration, if she would still ask the same questions..

jeff1970 wrote: When I took custody of the children, I had to register them to two different school (JK-6 & 7-8) and didn't have any issues. Only question asked was "where you live" so I could get kids into proper school.
TDSB? You actually had custody of your kids and you didnt have to present any court documentation. Look at that. So I guess each school has its own registration policies. I would have thought they have to be the same across the board.
At the same time I guess we are dealing with the office secretary, so although there may be registration questions and policies in place, the secretary just kind of ask what they want according to their experiences.
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Aug 19, 2013
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torontocityboy wrote: So I guess shes asking me to present this because I mentioned that he is moving down to Etobicoke.
I wonder if I didnt say anything abour his background, ansd just went in for a simple registration, if she would still ask the same questions..




TDSB? You actually had custody of your kids and you didnt have to present any court documentation. Look at that. So I guess each school has its own registration policies. I would have thought they have to be the same across the board.
At the same time I guess we are dealing with the office secretary, so although there may be registration questions and policies in place, the secretary just kind of ask what they want according to their experiences.
The bigger question is why do you care so much that they asked? I don't see the big deal at all.
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torontocityboy wrote: TDSB? You actually had custody of your kids and you didnt have to present any court documentation. Look at that. So I guess each school has its own registration policies. I would have thought they have to be the same across the board.
At the same time I guess we are dealing with the office secretary, so although there may be registration questions and policies in place, the secretary just kind of ask what they want according to their experiences.
No, WRDSB. But you'd think the policies would be uniform.

At the time, there was no formal custody agreement of the children. We had split in 2004, she got remarried in 2006, left town in 2008, left her second husband in 2013, hooked up with a new guy in 2014, and he touched my daughter in April of 2014, and I took custody of the kids. So I took them out of a different school board.

Whatever, the case, I remember the process being pretty painless.
Why can't we all just get along?
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Apr 30, 2017
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jeff1970 wrote: No, WRDSB. But you'd think the policies would be uniform.

At the time, there was no formal custody agreement of the children. We had split in 2004, she got remarried in 2006, left town in 2008, left her second husband in 2013, hooked up with a new guy in 2014, and he touched my daughter in April of 2014, and I took custody of the kids. So I took them out of a different school board.

Whatever, the case, I remember the process being pretty painless.
I was waiting for: "May 2014 I put a knife through his throat stood there till he choked and stopped breathing"

Bro, hats off to you for taking custody and taking your girl away from that situation and I commend you for having the strength not to take a mans life, because God knows I would have.
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Sep 19, 2013
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In this litigious part of the world, sometime people do things pre-emptively to avoid ugly situations down the future. just in case, there is an investigation in the future, she will have her covered. yes, with such behaviors, some section of the society may feel offended. but i wouldnt read too much into this as long as its not too much of an hassle. go screen me and be assured. it depends on person to person how they react.
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They required a lot of documentation from me (dad), and mom and l live together. But if mom registered, the required documentation would be just as stringent. The secretary explained that there is a lot of attempted fraud in terms of school district and registration. We are in a good district but not a top 10% district and even then people will go as far as forging documents to get into this school. Furthermore, there are a lot of issues around divorced/separated parents. Thus, they try to be careful up front so they don't get into trouble down the line.

Nothing to get offended about. They are doing their due diligence.
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Jul 18, 2016
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Momof3cuties wrote: The bigger question is why do you care so much that they asked? I don't see the big deal at all.
I don't blame him for his concern. His suspicion may be wrong, but our society is still built around the idea that the woman is the primary caregiver for children. However, so often in modern society this isn't true. You need look only as far as the Canada Child Credits. It is automatically assumed that these credits go to the mom unless you can prove otherwise.
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bewiseman wrote: I don't blame him for his concern. His suspicion may be wrong, but our society is still built around the idea that the woman is the primary caregiver for children. However, so often in modern society this isn't true. You need look only as far as the Canada Child Credits. It is automatically assumed that these credits go to the mom unless you can prove otherwise.
Yep. I was literally unable to apply for them. It automatically went to the wife, which means I can't go into a bank and open an RESP for my son without her being there. It's not a big deal, but I'm the one that handles most of the finances so it's easier for me to do it. Not to mention that since we both have to go, we need to take the little guy, and he can't sit still for more than 4 seconds.

Like i said earlier in this thread though, us men have done it to ourselves. So many guys out there aren't involved enough in their childs life. Times are changing, but it's still far from 50/50. I see it every day when I go places with my son. Most young kids I see are with their mothers only. I go to playgroups, playgrounds, children's activities at the local library, doctors appointments, etc. It's like 90% mothers. I'm often the only guy at these places. Men as a whole need to do better and society will recognize us as equal parents.

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