Off Topic Archive

Locked: Okay, which RFDer sent this cover letter to JP Morgan?

  • Last Updated:
  • Feb 9th, 2012 9:24 pm
Tags:
None
Member
User avatar
Nov 16, 2009
480 posts
23 upvotes

Okay, which RFDer sent this cover letter to JP Morgan?

http://gawker.com/5883684/the-awful-cov ... hing-about

It's that time of year when hopeful undergrads send out their resumes to the investment banks they for some reason want to work for. But one guy's bombastic cover letter has made him the laughing-stock of Wall Street.

A tipster forwarded us this cover letter, from an NYU student named Mark to J.P. Morgan, with the note, "this has been circling around the Street." Marvel at how a single fitness boast transforms what would have been simply a very terrible cover letter to something demanding to be forwarded to everyone on your contacts list.
1/23/2012
J.P. Morgan
Dear Sir or Madame:

I am an ambitious undergraduate at NYU triple majoring in Mathematics, Economics, and Computer Science. I am a punctual, personable, and shrewd individual, yet I have a quality which I pride myself on more than any of these.

I am unequivocally the most unflaggingly hard worker I know, and I love self-improvement. I have always felt that my time should be spent wisely, so I continuously challenge myself; I left Villanova because the work was too easy. Once I realized I could achieve a perfect GPA while holding a part-time job at NYU, I decided to redouble my effort by placing out of two classes, taking two honors classes, and holding two part-time jobs. That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.

I say these things only because solid evidence is more convincing than unverifiable statements, and I want to demonstrate that I am a hard worker. J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and rightest in finance. I know that the employees in this firm will push me to excellence, especially within the Investment Banking division. In fact, one of the supporting reasons I chose Investment Banking over any other division was that I know it is difficult. I hope to augment my character by diligently working for the professionals at Morgan Stanley, and I feel I have much to offer in return.

I am proficient in several programming languages, and I can pick up a new one very quickly. For instance, I learned a years worth of Java from NYU in 27 days on my own; this is how I placed out of two including: Money and Banking, Analysis, Game Theory, Probability and Statistics. Even further, I am taking Machine Learning and Probabilistic Graphical Modeling currently, two programming courses offered by Stanford, so that I may truly offer the most if I am accepted. I am proficient with Bloomberg terminals, excellent with excel, and can perform basic office functions with terrifying efficiency. I have plenty of experience in the professional world through my internship at Merrill Lynch, and my research assistant position at NYU. In fact, my most recent employer has found me so useful that he promoted me to a Research Assistant and an official CTED intern. This role is usually reserved for Masters students, but my employer gave the title to me so that he could give me more work.
Please realize that I am not a braggart or conceited, I just want to outline my usefulness. Egos can be a huge liability, and I try not to have one.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Mark
Share:
11 replies
Deal Addict
Jun 11, 2010
1195 posts
90 upvotes
Definite troll cover letter, but funny read.

I sincerely hope this isn't some serious cover letter on steroids.
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Aug 10, 2011
8522 posts
1318 upvotes
Somewhere
catdog???????????????

:lol:
:confused:
Deal Addict
User avatar
Jul 2, 2008
1759 posts
52 upvotes
Toronto
iEyeCaptain wrote:
Feb 9th, 2012 1:16 pm
catdog???????????????

:lol:

Darn! You beat me to it!
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Aug 25, 2004
5791 posts
46 upvotes
In paragraph 3, he already made a huge mistake. He's applying for JP Morgan Chase.... but then he mentions later on in the paragraph that he will work hard for "Morgan Stanley" :facepalm:

Last time i checked, they are two different companies :lol: ultimate fail. (if this is a real cover letter that is)
rems wrote:
Jun 13th, 2008 12:00 pm
yes...for those that say it doesn't are lying. There has to be some sort of physical attraction (unless you're visually impaired obviously). Looks get you there and personality keeps you there.
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Aug 10, 2011
8522 posts
1318 upvotes
Somewhere
7jai wrote:
Feb 9th, 2012 1:33 pm
In paragraph 3, he already made a huge mistake. He's applying for JP Morgan Chase.... but then he mentions later on in the paragraph that he will work hard for "Morgan Stanley" :facepalm:

Last time i checked, they are two different companies :lol: ultimate fail. (if this is a real cover letter that is)

I made this mistake a couple of times when I applied for jobs in my first co-op.

I'd swap out company names in generic cover letters and sometimes I'd get them mixed up. :lol:

I laugh at it now, but it really bummed me out at the time since I realised only after the resumes were submitted. :cry:
:confused:
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Dec 24, 2007
6976 posts
650 upvotes
Toronto
iEyeCaptain wrote:
Feb 9th, 2012 1:45 pm
I made this mistake a couple of times when I applied for jobs in my first co-op.

I'd swap out company names in generic cover letters and sometimes I'd get them mixed up. :lol:

I laugh at it now, but it really bummed me out at the time since I realised only after the resumes were submitted. :cry:
I thought it was common practice to use templates with COMPANY_NAME and then apply global replace.
Deal Addict
User avatar
Feb 28, 2011
3835 posts
60 upvotes
He should pay them to get the opportunity to associate his career with their brand name.
Listening to UkBassRadio NsbRadio ProtonRadio Tosi - TheCrypt

Oh... you must be a better internetter than everyone else. You get paid to be here.
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Aug 10, 2011
8522 posts
1318 upvotes
Somewhere
xalex0 wrote:
Feb 9th, 2012 6:19 pm
I thought it was common practice to use templates with COMPANY_NAME and then apply global replace.

i r dumb
:confused:
Deal Addict
User avatar
Mar 30, 2010
1052 posts
40 upvotes
Toronto
I'm on Bay Street and since my office used to be next to the MD, I had the chance to look over quite a few resumes and cover letters that passed though HR and landed on his desk.

I'd say about 20% of applicants are quite arrogant, although not as bad as the one in OP. Many talk up their school (more so the Rotman, Queens adn Western guys), or how quickly they obtained a professional designation. Quite a few did the name dropping bit and some even did what IEYECAPTAIN did, addressing us as another company or even addressing two completely different companies in the cover :facepalm: . But the MD would often overlook the mix up if they had great transcripts.


DearSummer wrote:
Feb 9th, 2012 6:05 pm
This guy has nothing on Aleksey Vayner.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xguj4m ... mbediframe

:D This made the rounds in Bay/Wall Street a few years ago
Deal Addict
User avatar
May 15, 2010
2001 posts
112 upvotes
North York
You should see some of the terrible cover letters my company gets. I would actually hire this guy over many of them.
× < >

Top