Parenting & Family

Locked: Punishment

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Deal Fanatic
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Dec 30, 2006
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Punishment

I normally have no problem making the decision, with my wife, on what the punishment should be when our daughter does something wrong, I am not sure if what we are thinking about is being too harsh for the "crime" or not impactfull enough.

Our daughter (8) asked about joining the school choir a couple of months ago as they were looking for more kids to join. This would mean that once a week she would need to stay at school for lunch in order to attend practice. We saw her at a school concert singing a few weeks ago and it was cute.

For the past three weeks she has told us (after the fact) that choir practice was cancelled when ever we asked how it went. She recently came home with a permission slip for an outing with the choir, but she said she did not want to go. I was going to have a talk with her about responsibilities and obligations when she said she was not allowed to go because she has not been to practice (at this point I think she realized she said too much). We questioned her and found out she has skipped at least two practices. So my wife spoke to the music teacher in charge of the choir and found out that no practices have been cancelled and she has missed a months worth (4) of practices. We are not happy that she lied to us and the fact that she used choir to as a way just to stay at school for lunch.

What we have come up with so far for punishment is this. No more pizza lunch at school for the rest of the school year (we allowed her to stay once a month to have pizza). No allowance for one month. Now she is really into Club Penguin and recently bought two CP stuffed toys with the allowance she had collected, so I was thinking that I would take her recent purchases away from Friday to Sunday and restrict her from playing on the computer and her DS for the same number of days as well,but still allow her tv (if we take tv away from her it also tends to punish us too), but only allowed to watch Discover, TLC and History channel (which she does enjoy, but not as much as sponge bob and other cartoons like pokemon).

So would all of the be too much for the "crime"? I am on the fence about this because of the length of time she lied to us.
49 replies
Sr. Member
May 6, 2007
785 posts
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I think the severity is OK but the complexity of it all is just too hard to enforce.

I would say take away the DS and all TV viewing for 1 week.

Does not matter if it is hard on you, lying like this should have severe consequence.
Jr. Member
Mar 7, 2008
115 posts
Whose to say what's too little or too much when it comes to parenting? (Unless of course actual abuse occurs.) If you feel the punishment fits the crime then follow through. As long as your decision is based on teaching her a life lesson instead of just lashing out due to anger, stick with it. Both you and your wife need to agree with the plan. Then discuss it with your daughter so she knows why her privileges are being taken away and how her actions = consequences.

Good luck.
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We always stick to it and there can be times where the punishment does not fit the crime. That is why I wanted to ensure I was not going over board. If the punishment is too sever, it can have little or not affect and actually cause more problems in the future.

As for the complexity, we can easily enforce it. We have restricted her from tv, ds and computer before for a couple of days (not for lying though) so we do not see using just this as punishment will help get the message across.


Oh what I forgot to say is she will also be required to write a letter of apology to the music teacher and we are also considering no chocolate (treats) for the weekend as well.


The punishment for her should not also punish us too (no tv) as we enjoy the channels I mentioned earlier as that is typically all we watch.
Deal Expert
Oct 20, 2001
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D-Roc wrote: We are not happy that she lied to us and the fact that she used choir to as a way just to stay at school for lunch.
Is there a logical consequence that you could use that's related to her actions? ie., she broke your trust, so she won't be allowed to go to the next sleepover party...or do some other activity she enjoys that requires you to trust her when you are not monitoring her. It's also a good opportunity to talk and reinforce the importance of honesty and building trust.
Deal Addict
Mar 27, 2003
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Isn't there another issue on hand? Your child wants to stay at school for lunch and felt that she needed to lie to you in order to do this. Perhaps that's the root of your problem.
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Jan 10, 2010
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It's difficult for an outsider to say if your punishment is too severe or not. It all depends on your parenting style also the child's personality. Use my 9-year-old boy as an example. He's extremely sensitive so embarrassment alone is severe enough. Just the thought of his parents, school officials, and maybe other kids and their parents know about his misdemeanor, is enough to keep him in his room for the rest of his life. So sending him back to school to face the consequence was more than we need to punish him. On the other hand, I've seen my son's friends from school, they have no fears and nothing embarrass them whatsoever. Kids like that require a bit extra, punishment that are direct consequences of the event but serious enough to make them think.

I am probably the minority when it comes to parenting. I see my child's misbehavior a teaching opportunity. I try to look at the big picture to figure out why he would lie to me about something. Were there other elements involved? I put myself in his shoe to think what I would do if I were him. I take time to discuss the matter with him and express my feelings - how I wished he would ask me instead of lying about it. Most kids at this age often receive a great deal of pressure from their peers yet they need the reassurance from their parents. If I can get him to talk about his feelings and let him give me an explanation, he will know telling me the truth is not something scary. With assured love and affections, he may, next time, be brave enough to ask for permission instead of sneaking around my back to do it.

It's a long learning process for both parents and child and we all have to go through it. Just give it time and patience. I always believe it's better to have a child who tries to reason with me then having one who's afraid of me. Once again, you know your child best. Just follow your heart. All the best! :)
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Rehan wrote: Is there a logical consequence that you could use that's related to her actions? ie., she broke your trust, so she won't be allowed to go to the next sleepover party...or do some other activity she enjoys that requires you to trust her when you are not monitoring her. It's also a good opportunity to talk and reinforce the importance of honesty and building trust.
Oh we will take the opportunity to discuss trust. We have always told and showed her why it is important to be honest and truthful, even when she has done something wrong.

dekay wrote: Isn't there another issue on hand? Your child wants to stay at school for lunch and felt that she needed to lie to you in order to do this. Perhaps that's the root of your problem.

She has been allowed in the past to stay at school once a month for pizza on a certain day. We made that compromise with her some time ago so not that should not be the root of the problem.
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althetrainer wrote: It's difficult for an outsider to say if your punishment is too severe or not. It all depends on your parenting style also the child's personality. Use my 9-year-old boy as an example. He's extremely sensitive so embarrassment alone is severe enough. Just the thought of his parents, school officials, and maybe other kids and their parents know about his misdemeanor, is enough to keep him in his room for the rest of his life. So sending him back to school to face the consequence was more than we need to punish him. On the other hand, I've seen my son's friends from school, they have no fears and nothing embarrass them whatsoever. Kids like that require a bit extra, punishment that are direct consequences of the event but serious enough to make them think.

I am probably the minority when it comes to parenting. I see my child's misbehavior a teaching opportunity. I try to look at the big picture to figure out why he would lie to me about something. Were there other elements involved? I put myself in his shoe to think what I would do if I were him. I take time to discuss the matter with him and express my feelings - how I wished he would ask me instead of lying about it. Most kids at this age often receive a great deal of pressure from their peers yet they need the reassurance from their parents. If I can get him to talk about his feelings and let him give me an explanation, he will know telling me the truth is not something scary. With assured love and affections, he may, next time, be brave enough to ask for permission instead of sneaking around my back to do it.

It's a long learning process for both parents and child and we all have to go through it. Just give it time and patience. I always believe it's better to have a child who tries to reason with me then having one who's afraid of me. Once again, you know your child best. Just follow your heart. All the best! :)


Your style seems to be the same one we use. You are correct that every kid reacts to punishment differently. Embarrassment works to an extent, that is why we are getting her to write a letter of apology. She also likes her time with Club Penguin and that is why that punishment is on the list.
Member
Mar 31, 2010
383 posts
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GTA
I hope my honesty won't offend you but I think your punishment is a little too much for your child (don't know how old she is). It sounds like you just want to get back at her rather than teach her that lying is wrong and that she has hurt you and your wife as well as lost your trust. I understand the difficulty in selecting the suitable punishment for the crime but robbing her of all the things she love is not going to teach her this lesson. I've just finished reading this book: "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...And Listen So Kids Will Talk" and I would definitely recommend it. The biggest problem we have with our kids is communication. So calmly talk to her and see why she lied; hopefully you'll more things that you never knew before. Good luck!
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Not offended no, but I do not believe any book can help raise a child. It takes patience and understanding and it takes logic. We are not out to get back at her. We are out to show her there are serious consequences for her actions and now she knows. The punishment, in retrospect, was appropriate. I thank all for their advice.
Deal Expert
Aug 2, 2004
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dekay wrote: Isn't there another issue on hand? Your child wants to stay at school for lunch and felt that she needed to lie to you in order to do this. Perhaps that's the root of your problem.

I agree with this. There has to be a reason why a child would lie.

Couldn't she just ask if she could stay at school for lunch? Is there a reason for her to believe that you would not allow this to a point where she has to lie about it?

Punishing her constantly will just encourage her to lie more in the future and try not to get caught.

Maybe you're being too strict
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Gee wrote: I agree with this. There has to be a reason why a child would lie.

Couldn't she just ask if she could stay at school for lunch? Is there a reason for her to believe that you would not allow this to a point where she has to lie about it?

Punishing her constantly will just encourage her to lie more in the future and try not to get caught.

Maybe you're being too strict


I have already covered this above. No we are not being to strict. We live 3 mins from the school (walking) so we prefer to have her home for lunch, as well as the school requests all kids go home for lunch who can (they have so many that stay at thsi time as they are unable to go home for lunch). Understanding that she wants to stay sometimes we comprimised and allowed her to stay once a month (this was before Choir) for a pizza lunch that is offered via the school. So, she was already being allowed to stay. With Choir, she was staying once a week in addition to the once a month pizza lunch.

That is hardly being too strict and we do not punish her constantly. Actually very rarely. She has always in the past asked for permission for different things/privilages and sometimes we agree. Sometimes we do not. It is not like we refused to listen to her and always tell her no. We adjust our rules and views as she grows older.

She has accepted her punishment (abviously not happy about it), which is no more pizza lunch at school for the rest of the year. No cartoons until Monday morning. No DS and no computer until Monday morning. In addition she has lost her allowance for an entire month.

She understands that she has broken our trust and hopefully she will think twice before she does this again.
Deal Addict
May 16, 2006
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wrote:No more pizza lunch at school for the rest of the school year (we allowed her to stay once a month to have pizza).
This is the root problem. She lied to you because she wants to stay at school for lunch and be with her friends.

She should be having lunch 4-5 days a week at school with he peers, so she can socialize.

Kudos to the other RFDers who could pick this out, OP doesn't seem to get it though.
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Jul 29, 2005
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CatDog wrote: This is the root problem. She lied to you because she wants to stay at school for lunch and be with her friends.

She should be having lunch 4-5 days a week at school with he peers, so she can socialize.

Kudos to the other RFDers who could pick this out, OP doesn't seem to get it though.
Totally agree! Also, you should give her a chance to explain why she skipped choir without telling you instead of assuming the worst of her.
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CatDog wrote: This is the root problem. She lied to you because she wants to stay at school for lunch and be with her friends.

She should be having lunch 4-5 days a week at school with he peers, so she can socialize.

Kudos to the other RFDers who could pick this out, OP doesn't seem to get it though.
Raggie wrote: Totally agree! Also, you should give her a chance to explain why she skipped choir without telling you instead of assuming the worst of her.


You are both incorrect. I do get it. What you are failing to see that she was already allowed to stay at school once in a while. We allowed that when she asked and we agreed. We did not say no. We compromised. She enjoys her time coming home as well as she gets a hot meal instead of a cold sandwhich. Besides. We are her PARENTS. We make the rules. We are not inflexable as the rules can change as she gets older, but she is a child. We are nto her friends. We are her parents.

There is no "should" about it. She socializes with her peers already. There is no need for her to stay at school for lunch, but again we already did allow her.

You are also making the assumption that we did not give her a chance to speak up and say why. We did.

We take lying in our household very seriously. She has always known this.

I am sorry if you do not "get it".
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May 8, 2005
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Rehan wrote: Is there a logical consequence that you could use that's related to her actions? ie., she broke your trust, so she won't be allowed to go to the next sleepover party...or do some other activity she enjoys that requires you to trust her when you are not monitoring her. It's also a good opportunity to talk and reinforce the importance of honesty and building trust.

I agree.

And to me, as a parent, the punishment is a secondary issue ( concern ) to the lying and apparent lack of honestly and trust the kid has toward the parents in this particular case. You've got an 8 year old who knew no practices have been cancelled and lied to the parents by missing a months worth of practices. I might expect this more from a teen or pre-teen, but on this issue, much less so from an 8 year old...at least IMO.

This example of a kid at that age lying to parents about something as benign as this issue, may be symptomatic of a much larger issue at play here. As a parent of 4 kids, it's been my experience, when you find kids are lying to parents, there's usually a power imbalance ( perceived or otherwise ) at play here in some way..IMO. The kid might feel angry, frustrated and powerless in his / her interactions with the parents. So, the kid lies cause he / she thinks they can exert some degree of power or control over the parent by lying.

I'd be more concerned / curious as to why the kid may ( if at all ) feel a sense of anger, frustration and powerlessness toward the parents. In other words, I'd wonder if the lying was just symptomatic of something else going on in the whole child / parent dymamic.
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poedua wrote: I agree.

And to me, as a parent, the punishment is a secondary issue ( concern ) to the lying and apparent lack of honestly and trust the kid has toward the parents in this particular case. You've got an 8 year old who knew no practices have been cancelled and lied to the parents by missing a months worth of practices. I might expect this more from a teen or pre-teen, but on this issue, much less so from an 8 year old...at least IMO.

This example of a kid at that age lying to parents about something as benign as this issue, may be symptomatic of a much larger issue at play here. As a parent of 4 kids, it's been my experience, when you find kids are lying to parents, there's usually a power imbalance ( perceived or otherwise ) at play here in some way..IMO. The kid might feel angry, frustrated and powerless in his / her interactions with the parents. So, the kid lies cause he / she thinks they can exert some degree of power or control over the parent by lying.

I'd be more concerned / curious as to why the kid may ( if at all ) feel a sense of anger, frustration and powerlessness toward the parents. In other words, I'd wonder if the lying was just symptomatic of something else going on in the whole child / parent dymamic.


Well you are wrong. There is no "power imbalance" :lol: and she is not a frustrated or angry. And frankly we are the parents, so the power is all ours.

Most times kids just lie. Simple. Nothing more to it. They like to test the waters. See what they can get away with Nothing else is going on in any dynamic. Most times a duck is simply a duck.
Deal Addict
May 16, 2006
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wrote:You are both incorrect. I do get it. What you are failing to see that she was already allowed to stay at school once in a while. We allowed that when she asked and we agreed. We did not say no. We compromised. She enjoys her time coming home as well as she gets a hot meal instead of a cold sandwhich
Most if not all of her peers are there every day and perhaps come home once in a while, not the other way around.

If she enjoys coming home every day then she wouldn't have lied to stay at school.

Bottom line is you forcing her to come home is preventing her from building social skills.
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D-Roc wrote: Well you are wrong..
Maybe....then again.....maybe not. ;)
D-Roc wrote: There is no "power imbalance" :lol: and she is not a frustrated or angry.
Again, in the event she might be , it may not be as readily apparent to a parent as you might think.
D-Roc wrote: . And frankly we are the parents, so the power is all ours.
Correct...and the manner in which you 'wield ' / ' exercise ' that power is just as relevant as well ....at least to my way of thinking.
D-Roc wrote: Most times kids just lie. Simple. Nothing more to it. They like to test the waters. See what they can get away with Nothing else is going on in any dynamic. Most times a duck is simply a duck.
If you say so. :)
" The placebo effect is the most powerful supplement of all "
" The pain of discipline weighs ounces, the pain of neglect weighs tons "
" The best training in the world can't overcome a lousy diet "
TRAIN HARD !!!!

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