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  • Mar 27th, 2017 9:34 pm
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[OP]
Newbie
Sep 7, 2011
77 posts
5 upvotes
oakville

Separate or not?

Hello! Friends,

This is a great platform to ask for suggestions.

We are married for 7yrs now and have struggled with infertility for 5 and just had our first child on 2nd Feb after a difficult pregnancy. I had lot of complications till the day I delivered. My husband invited his parents in dec. thinking they will be of help. My parents are little old so they cannot come here to be with me. Since his parents are here we are having lot of fights. My MIL did not help us a bit in terms of any household chores. I did everything till the day i delivered. They behave normally when he is around and differently when he isn't. They are interfering to the terms what we should do where we should go no cooking how I should raise my child breast feeding judgemental about my friends everything. This has caused tension between me & my husband. The worst part is my husband is on their side he just doesn't raise his voice or doesn't accept their mistake. We had conversation about separation over the weekend and he went and told his parents and said yes he is ready to leave me and our 15 day old child. So this just mean he is open to the idea of separation.
My point is every married couple has fights but he is different when they are around. He has no regard for me who had C section and never asks about my well being or my health. Our relation is now just formal. I keep crying and expecting things out of him and every time I get is disappointment. I am sick and tired and I feel so alone here.. His parents are going to be here for another two months. We compromised and he promised to change and never talk about separation again but I don't trust him anymore.
His parents continue to interfere and ruin our marriage. He seems ok with it. My life has become miserable now. All I do is sit in my room with my child go down for food where they are obsessively waiting for him to come. I know things will change when they will leave. All my friends tell me to calm down and don't expect things from him for the child.

My question to you guys is should I suffer in silence like this and wait for his parents to leave and only for them to come back and start this all over just for my child or should I separate.
Hope you understand my plight.

Thanks.
26 replies
Deal Expert
User avatar
Oct 13, 2009
15899 posts
4544 upvotes
Iqaluit, NU
Sounds like a real shit situation. He needs to choose. You or his meddling parents. If he chooses his parents, tell him to GTFO and get ready to pay some nice child support.
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Sr. Member
User avatar
Feb 25, 2015
728 posts
146 upvotes
York Region
Tell the parents to GTFO. Your husband needs to man up and GTFO out too if he can't support you. Those parents are despicable and have no concern for you. I hope you don't get into any type of severe depression.
Deal Fanatic
Sep 16, 2004
6842 posts
730 upvotes
Toronto
Sounds like his parents have great importance to and influence over your husband.
They sound controlling as well.
Your husband needs to grow up and realize that you and your child are his family now though he will still love his parents.
He needs to make stand and communicate this to them.
He needs to start thinking for himself and not let them control his life nor jeopardize his relationship with you.
Unfortunately he'll need someone else outside the situation looking in objectively to tell him, like a marriage counsellor.
Opposing him and fighting his family you'll definitely push each other apart and stir up more trouble than you wish to deal with currently. Your priority is your newborn baby with which you have your hands full.
You are vulnerable now on your own without support and it's easy for them to gang up on you.
Your child is a gift from God whether your husband remains with you or not and you must stand up for yourself and your child, if it becomes necessary.
You may also want to speak to someone about it and get some support from friends and family and not withdraw yourself.
Separation is not divorce and it may give you some sanity being away from the situation and his family.
You two may want to try counseling before doing anything absolute or final.
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Deal Expert
Aug 22, 2011
16335 posts
4968 upvotes
Ottawa
Husband here and I'd leave me; if I was acting like him.
Deal Guru
Aug 2, 2001
14170 posts
4629 upvotes
I do not think that either you or your husband are in a position to realistically talk about separation if you have a 15 day old child. I would wait until you have both recovered a little more (emotionally) from the birth of your wonderful child which you worked so hard for over 5 years, before making any sort of life altering decisions.

I would personally recommend that you contact your provincial health services department to ask about what resources they have for new mothers. They should be able to provide you with professionals that you can talk to about what you are feeling and help you gain clarity on the situation.
Deal Addict
Aug 19, 2013
2394 posts
974 upvotes
Wow I'm sorry your dealing with. So hard and not allowing you to concentrate on you and your baby. You should not have to put up with abuse from his parents. And that's what it is abuse. Tell him that either his parents need to leave now or you will. Then give him a few days. If they haven't left then go and stay somewhere else, like your parents, a close friend or relative etc until they leave. Tell him your not giving up on your family right now but you can't deal with them and need to be away from his parents for your own mental health.

When his parents have left you and your husband should get into couples counselling.
Deal Addict
User avatar
Jun 8, 2008
3655 posts
1105 upvotes
Toronto
TrevorK wrote:
Feb 24th, 2017 2:27 pm
I do not think that either you or your husband are in a position to realistically talk about separation if you have a 15 day old child. I would wait until you have both recovered a little more (emotionally) from the birth of your wonderful child which you worked so hard for over 5 years, before making any sort of life altering decisions.

I would personally recommend that you contact your provincial health services department to ask about what resources they have for new mothers. They should be able to provide you with professionals that you can talk to about what you are feeling and help you gain clarity on the situation.
I completely agree with this.
Sr. Member
User avatar
May 22, 2016
870 posts
153 upvotes
Ontario
Have it out the the in laws and then tell your husband to kick them out.
Sr. Member
May 12, 2014
924 posts
375 upvotes
Montreal
ANDREWSWAP wrote:
Feb 24th, 2017 12:26 pm
[...] I know things will change when they will leave. All my friends tell me to calm down [...] should I separate.[...]
Apparently my answer will be unpopular on this board, but so be it:

All the people who know the situation best and care about you most (yourself, your friends) think that things will get better soon and that you should not separate. I think you have your answer right there. Separation will have a profound impact on you and your child, for decades to come. And financially, divorce is a huge drain even if the other person pays full child support.

However, you said that your husband invited his parents to help. Since it doesn't seem like you need their help, I see no reason why you can't politely tell him that their help is no longer required and that they should leave now, not in two months.

Do not say that they are never welcome back. That is a conversation for a different day.
Deal Addict
Oct 1, 2004
4290 posts
278 upvotes
Toronto
Same problem every Asian family deals with...
Member
Apr 9, 2004
319 posts
47 upvotes
London
ANDREWSWAP wrote:
Feb 24th, 2017 12:26 pm
Hello! Friends,

This is a great platform to ask for suggestions.

We are married for 7yrs now and have struggled with infertility for 5 and just had our first child on 2nd Feb after a difficult pregnancy. I had lot of complications till the day I delivered. My husband invited his parents in dec. thinking they will be of help. My parents are little old so they cannot come here to be with me. Since his parents are here we are having lot of fights. My MIL did not help us a bit in terms of any household chores. I did everything till the day i delivered. They behave normally when he is around and differently when he isn't. They are interfering to the terms what we should do where we should go no cooking how I should raise my child breast feeding judgemental about my friends everything. This has caused tension between me & my husband. The worst part is my husband is on their side he just doesn't raise his voice or doesn't accept their mistake. We had conversation about separation over the weekend and he went and told his parents and said yes he is ready to leave me and our 15 day old child. So this just mean he is open to the idea of separation.
My point is every married couple has fights but he is different when they are around. He has no regard for me who had C section and never asks about my well being or my health. Our relation is now just formal. I keep crying and expecting things out of him and every time I get is disappointment. I am sick and tired and I feel so alone here.. His parents are going to be here for another two months. We compromised and he promised to change and never talk about separation again but I don't trust him anymore.
His parents continue to interfere and ruin our marriage. He seems ok with it. My life has become miserable now. All I do is sit in my room with my child go down for food where they are obsessively waiting for him to come. I know things will change when they will leave. All my friends tell me to calm down and don't expect things from him for the child.

My question to you guys is should I suffer in silence like this and wait for his parents to leave and only for them to come back and start this all over just for my child or should I separate.
Hope you understand my plight.

Thanks.
Hi! I'm team don't make any rash decisions based upon the first few weeks with your first baby. From my own experience, with our first child (also a c-section), it took about 6-8 weeks to calm down and for our relationship to fall back into place. And that was without meddling parents in the mix.

I would ask his parents to leave and stay off site and come over only for visits (of a predetermined length) with your husband present. You need this time as a family, you need time to recover, you need time alone when you don't need to be "on". You definitely should not be putting up with abuse. I found I received a lot of unsolicited advice with our kids, I'm hoping that is all that is going on here, but I'm not sure.

Once you are feeling up to it I would suggest going to some new mom playgroups or hang out with friends (with or without kids). You need to socialize and get additional support. Also, make sure that you are keeping an eye on your mental health as well. Postpartum depression is real and common, especially in moms that feel unsupported.
Deal Addict
Sep 2, 2010
1436 posts
461 upvotes
Ontario
For the good of your family realize your man is just a kid when his mommy is around. Once she is gone things will get better, and she will not be around that much . A day will come when she is permanently out of the picture.
Deal Expert
User avatar
Mar 18, 2005
16684 posts
1065 upvotes
Niagara Falls
Gosh, this is going to come across as incredibly rude but I'm just going to throw this out there. Are you sure you're not suffering from Post Partum Disorder?

I mean, I have zero idea who you are as a person or who your husband is, but I can't imagine for the life of me of a father willing to walk away from his 15 day old child, especially after trying to conceive for 5 years. That just does not add up to me at all.

That being said, the two of you should go speak with professionals, especially before you decide to separate.

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