Personal Finance

Stuck in limbo - advice would really help

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  • Aug 22nd, 2015 6:21 pm
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Newbie
Aug 20, 2015
2 posts
Toronto, ON

Stuck in limbo - advice would really help

Hi, this is my first post and I signed up so that I could get some advice.

A bit about me: I just turned 35, married for about 5 years and no plans for kids. Currently working as a Web Designer with a salary of 75k. Wife works from home and runs a business that generates about the same so our combined annual gross is about 150k. Bought a house 6 years ago in Brampton and sold it last fall as we didn't feel comfortable with the neighbourhood and commute to work was becoming a problem. Currently renting in Mississauga on a 1yr lease while keeping an eye on listings. We're patient buyers and have been looking for the right home in the right area for about 9 months now. Our savings including investments total about 500k with RRSPs and TFSAs maxed out. Immediate liquidity is about 400k. We're both quite introvert and don't go out to party or spend on anything any more other than the essentials. My hobbies are Magic The Gathering and playing League of Legends. My wife enjoys watching online soap operas, home renos and playing the piano. We both love animals.

So what's the problem? I'm tired of working, complacent and don't see the purpose of my current project at work that is kinda dead. Fortunately I'm not micromanaged so trying to figure this out on my own at work. Vacations don't energize me cause once I'm back it's all the same. I use my vacation days sporadically when I can't get myself out of bed. I'm also falling behind as the web technology moves fast (AngularJS and all those other shenanigans) and I actually don't care about that stuff any more to be honest so I'm basically becoming deprecated. My wife is also tired of the issues with her business, primarily with others either screwing up the deliveries or the customers committing fraud with little recourse. Because of these issues and the news we read about on political / corporate corruption, people killing animals, people, environment, scams, etc.. we generally don't like to deal with people and don't trust people either. I continue to work so we can get a mortgage when needed as we both wanted to own a house again that would be better than the last one. But as each week drags on, there are some days I just want to get up and call it quits. I'm at a depressive, unfulfilling state badgered by being unable to figure out what to do with my life and not sure when to overcommit rocking the boat. I know some people would kill for this job and think I'm crazy being depressed at this stage in life with the resources I've saved up. My mom has always taught me not to waste anything and would always make full use of coupons. I'm a very progressive person so being in this state is like being stuck in limbo if that makes any sense. Everyone says "Do what you love!". Sure, do what I love and starve? Who wants to pay me shuffling cards or spamming spells in League? Sure, some people do make a living playing those games, but I'm not that extreme and eccentric to do those things from dawn to dusk. They are hobbies to fill my void at the end of the day from being a 9-5 pack rat. They're also sadly not productive things to do with my life and not sustainable either.

I've considered being a vet, but that is a long road to take as none of my studies in the past were associated with life sciences and I've heard that those who graduate from vet school are stuck in debt with little demand as animals are simply considered low priority. Sure, there are some people willing to spend 5k to save their furry loved one, but in general it's just not the case but rather abandoned or dumped at your doorstep. I would love to help them all but that is not a sustaining solution. Continuing to work while studying part-time would take a decade while just full-time studying would equal 400k of income lost + tuition / supplies & rent. I thought about just helping my wife with her business full-time, but we both know it's unstable so putting our eggs in one basket could be a disaster, plus we hate doing customer support which is part of the business. Somehow I feel I just need a hard reset by staying at home and figure things out, however long it takes. The problem is there's no timeline for ground hog mode. It could be a few months, few years or indefinitely. I've even thought about retiring as I'm just tired of everything, but that would be a dramatic change to our lives and not even sure if that would be an even bigger shipwreck. 500k is a lot and not a lot at the same time. We could either move back to my parent's place till I figure things out or keep renting which would be another 20k in the hole with 0 equity. Initially when we sold our house, I wanted to move to the suburbs with some acreage and transition to retirement while running an animal sanctuary. But unfortunately that's not realistic as I would need to keep working at this job and paying for a property that would not appreciate much compared to the GTA. The sanctuary would not much generate income (if any) and it could put us in an uncertain financial state if I stopped working. My wife wants a detached in the GTA that backs onto a ravine type lot as that's what we had in Brampton. The ravine might seem overkill but it helps my wife as she has problems with her eyes so being able to look out into nature is therapeutic while she's working. Plus it's nicer, quieter and not having to worry about a neighbour at the back looking in. Problem is the prices are so inflated, I would pretty much be a slave to my job for however long it takes till we sell again and figure out the next step to our lives. I don't think I'll last that long or even a fraction of that duration. If I somehow did, by then I'll be in my 40's and scared I would be reflecting on the same situation I'm writing about now. Sometimes I feel we should have just kept our initial home even though we didn't feel safe going out. I could have just resigned, stayed at home 24/7 and figured it out. Our mortgage back then was like under $1100 / month which is a lot less than what I'm paying for rent now on a town house at $1750. The remaining mortgage was about 215k and there was no urgency to pay it off at these interest rates. Our treading time if both of us hypothetically stopped working without external help while taking other expenses into account would have been around 3-4 years.

Anyway, that was the past and now trying not to shoot myself in the foot. This is the first time I'm reaching out publicly for help and I would really appreciate advice at this point. If you think I'm a spoiled 35yr old with kiddie hobbies, stupid problems and too much self entitlement, I completely agree. I can only say that I felt only 18 yesterday and don't know what happened to the other 17 years other than graduating, meeting my wife, working at different jobs and realizing there's more to life than waiting in line each day to get off the Go Station platform.

If you've read this far, thank you for your time and look forward to any advice.
9 replies
Sr. Member
User avatar
Dec 12, 2005
960 posts
117 upvotes
GTA
Wow... seems like you're hung up on a lot of different things in your lives at the moment. Dunno what else to tell you other than I think you guys need to get out and live a little... enjoy life. You both sound burnt out. Find a hobby that will get you outdoors more. Physical activity/exercise can do wonders for your mood and well being.
Shojin wrote:I like to quote myself.
Sr. Member
May 26, 2010
575 posts
139 upvotes
I understand where you are coming from regarding the vet thing. It is tough when you have a passion outside of your line of work, but can't justify the decision to completely disrupt your life.

Why not try and mitigate those feeling by some sort of voluntary work for a local shelter/animal charity? I found that doing voluntary work with children helped to offset regrets about not going into teaching when I left university, and helped me realise that actually, I'm happier working for something that isn't a passion of mine, and using my free time on something that I had more of a passion for allowed me to keep that aspect of my life fun.

I've found that the more time I spend on enjoying myself, the less time I have to obsess over what in all reality are pretty non-existent financial issues.
Jr. Member
Jul 1, 2015
125 posts
47 upvotes
You mentioned you have no plans for kids - is this a forever thing or just no immediate plans? Assuming your wife is about the same age as you, is this something you may wish to reconsider? Your definitely financially stable from what I understand.

Having children is a life long commitment, but also an extremely rewarding life experience. Perhaps you and your wife need something like this to get some more reward out of life. It sounds like you both might be somewhat depressed. I'm not saying having children will cure depression, but it could be something to help you realize how precious life can be and to enjoy it to the fullest.

I don't have any magical solution to how you and your wife feel. However what I can suggest is that you try new, different things. Do you have other couples that you can go and hang out with. Sometimes all it takes is a visit to or from another couple to lighten up an entire weekend that would have otherwise passed as another dull boring couple of days inside.
Deal Addict
Mar 8, 2013
2950 posts
1611 upvotes
First of all, don't do anything drastic in your current state, such as quit your job or move in with your parents ! I don't know much about depression, but I do know about creative jobs that don't appeal after a while. I would start by seeing your doctor and explaining what you are feeling.
Newbie
Dec 1, 2013
90 posts
21 upvotes
Toronto
Firstly, take a step back and take some long breath. Understand that your 'issues' are actually not so bad. We are just a tiny spect of dust on Earth and Earth is a tiny thing in the universe.

I'm not sure what is the right direction in terms of the career path for you but what you need now is to fill your brain with positive materials and read them everyday. Ultimately your life is how you make it to be. As silly as it sounds, if you say in the morning It's GOING TO BE A Great Day,you will brain wash yourself to be happier. Try it
Deal Addict
Aug 28, 2010
1300 posts
365 upvotes
Toronto
I would feel the 9-5 cram if I didnt go anywhere for vacation. Go on a 7 day all-inclusive or a 14 day euro trip (via rail). See if your perspective improves after that. Try to make every weekend an adventure. Your issue is that you dont do anything outside your 9-5. Its not your job, its your life style. You dislike your life, not your job. (in the best possible way to phrase this)
Deal Fanatic
Mar 24, 2008
6278 posts
2753 upvotes
Toronto
Deprecated wrote: ...

So what's the problem? I'm tired of working, complacent and don't see the purpose of my current project at work that is kinda dead. Fortunately I'm not micromanaged so trying to figure this out on my own at work. Vacations don't energize me cause once I'm back it's all the same. I use my vacation days sporadically when I can't get myself out of bed. I'm also falling behind as the web technology moves fast (AngularJS and all those other shenanigans) and I actually don't care about that stuff any more to be honest so I'm basically becoming deprecated. My wife is also tired of the issues with her business, primarily with others either screwing up the deliveries or the customers committing fraud with little recourse. Because of these issues and the news we read about on political / corporate corruption, people killing animals, people, environment, scams, etc.. we generally don't like to deal with people and don't trust people either. I continue to work so we can get a mortgage when needed as we both wanted to own a house again that would be better than the last one. But as each week drags on, there are some days I just want to get up and call it quits. I'm at a depressive, unfulfilling state badgered by being unable to figure out what to do with my life and not sure when to overcommit rocking the boat. I know some people would kill for this job and think I'm crazy being depressed at this stage in life with the resources I've saved up. My mom has always taught me not to waste anything and would always make full use of coupons. I'm a very progressive person so being in this state is like being stuck in limbo if that makes any sense. Everyone says "Do what you love!". Sure, do what I love and starve? Who wants to pay me shuffling cards or spamming spells in League? Sure, some people do make a living playing those games, but I'm not that extreme and eccentric to do those things from dawn to dusk. They are hobbies to fill my void at the end of the day from being a 9-5 pack rat. They're also sadly not productive things to do with my life and not sustainable either.
1) I think you are either in or at the verge of depression - you should get medical help if possible.
2) There are a lot of people in IT who feel the same way as you. Keeping up with technology is not only hard, it's downright impossible if you don't have much interest in it going forward.

My only other suggestion would be for you to grind it out another year or two and figure out if there is something else you can do. If you guys are both fed up, you should consider moving to an area with low cost of living where you won't have to make 150k to make ends meet. You do have 500k saved up and you have no ties (kids) to a big city. There are plenty of places in Canada and abroad where you can happily retire with what you've already saved while doing a job that you find enjoyable. Good luck and sorry about your situation.
-
Deal Fanatic
User avatar
Jul 19, 2003
8137 posts
770 upvotes
Exercise hardcore, make it a huge part of your life, and have lots of sex. True solution.
hi!
Newbie
Aug 20, 2015
2 posts
Toronto, ON
Thanks for all your comments & suggestions. I kind of feel like like a snowman with an expiry date on my forehead due to my lack of interest and how fast web technology moves. I will try a few things and see how it goes before making a drastic change.

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