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Can somone critque my Cover letter:

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  • Jun 20th, 2014 4:42 pm
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Deal Addict
May 24, 2010
1034 posts
153 upvotes
So when I read your first paragraph i get this:

"As a sales & marketing professional with over 5 years’ experience, I know my diverse skills and qualifications will make me an asset to the XYZ Inc. project team."

That is worth something. You should just finish it off by saying "Please see my attached resume, thank you for your time". But instead there is 4 paragraphs of fluff that really isn't interesting, or quantifiable, or unique.

The rule I stick to with cover letter is that every additional paragraph better be worth reading. These people read hundreds of cover letters and they mostly all sound like they were written by the Ryerson Career Centre folks (who probably have never actually applied to a real-world job).

You want the person to be at the peak of their interest when they move onto your resume. So if you're going to write a long cover letter, each paragraph better be more engaging than the last, otherwise you should just cut it off at paragraph #1 since that's as good as it got.
Appak02 wrote: Do you mind showing me yours?
http://speedy.sh/sGFUS/boredsilly.pdf

if this is a tech sales job, you might actually be better with a ballsy creative cover letter.
Deal Addict
Feb 20, 2008
2674 posts
801 upvotes
unowned wrote: Scour linkedin and look at the profiles of experienced workers. Often times, people will list their specialties and blurbs about themselves that are not far off from what they would write on their cover letters.
This is actually not a bad idea.
Deal Expert
User avatar
Mar 1, 2008
19157 posts
9081 upvotes
Toronto, Ontario
SurplusPlus wrote: *snip*
Thanks. It should help greatly. I just sent one out worded the following. Hope it's better than what I had before.
Dear HR,

I would like to apply for the temporary full time receptionist position at Davis Orthodontics.

During my time working as a customer service agent at Tai Pan Tours and working as a technology support specialist at Ryerson University, I learned a lot about customer service and the importance of working together and communication with colleagues and customers. As your receptionist, I would be able to help create strong relationships between your orthodontic office and your customers. I am also fairly proficient with computers and learn how to use new technology and programs very quickly.

If there are any additional questions you may have for me, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Thank you for your consideration,
RFD is love. RFD is life.
Banned
User avatar
Jun 22, 2012
4737 posts
722 upvotes
Shhanada
geokilla wrote: Dear HR,

I would like to apply for the temporary full time receptionist position at Davis Orthodontics.

During my time working as a customer service agent at Tai Pan Tours and working as a technology support specialist at Ryerson University, I learned a lot about customer service and the importance of working together and communication with colleagues and customers. As your receptionist, I would be able to help create strong relationships between your orthodontic office and your customers. I am also fairly proficient with computers and learn how to use new technology and programs very quickly.

If there are any additional questions you may have for me, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Thank you for your consideration.
This is the kind of cover letter I like. Understated, and to the point.
Member
Jan 1, 2007
236 posts
55 upvotes
Toronto
edit
Dear Hiring Manager,

I would like to apply for the temporary receptionist position at Davis Orthodontics.

During my time working as a customer service agent at Tai Pan Tours and as a technology support specialist at Ryerson University, I have learned a lot about customer service, the importance of working together, and communicating with colleagues and customers. As your receptionist, I would be able to help create strong relationships between your orthodontic office and your customers. I am also proficient with computers and can learn how to use new technology and programs very quickly.

If there are any additional questions you may have for me, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Thank you for your consideration,
Banned
User avatar
Jun 22, 2012
4737 posts
722 upvotes
Shhanada
epy wrote: edit
I endorse your edits. Only change left is maybe to lose the last "very".
Sr. Member
User avatar
Feb 24, 2013
577 posts
111 upvotes
none of your busines…
TL;DR. Cover letter is a waste of time. No employer wants to read the crap you wrote nor do they have the time. Polish up your resume and make sure it gets in front of a human. Then ace the interview.
Member
Jan 21, 2012
362 posts
61 upvotes
SCARBOROUGH
Ok, third times a charm:

As a high-energy business leader, I believe strongly in setting – and achieving results. Without strong management strategizing, a company’s growth will remain static. This work smart – and hard – approach is a great match for a company that values a decisive, goal-oriented thinker. Please see my enclosed resume; it outlines my background, highlights of which are included in the following:
• Strategic Planning: Created strategies for growth management, turnaround, and market contraction. Identified profitable acquisition and diversification opportunities leading to the overall growth of the company.
• Growth Performance: Increased sales reaching a 3M target. Consistently a key member of sales closing team for contracts which played an important role in overall business success.
• Logistics Manager: Coordinating and liaising effectively with suppliers of raw materials, manufacturers, retailers and consumers – in a seamless supply chain management cycle.
• Human Resources: Managed diverse workforce unifying marketing, sales, and upper management and creating a strong, cohesive unit focused on sales targets.
I'd like to put these strengths to work in another leadership role. I would appreciate an opportunity to talk about what I can offer your company and I look forward to discussing the overall goals of your business.
Sincerely,

XXXXXX

Enclosure
Deal Addict
May 24, 2010
1034 posts
153 upvotes
"As a high-energy business leader, I believe strongly in setting – and achieving results. Without strong management strategizing, a company’s growth will remain static. This work smart – and hard – approach is a great match for a company that values a decisive, goal-oriented thinker."

that entire segment is many magnitudes worse than just saying i'm interested in X job, please see my attached resume. nobody asked you what your views on management / running a business are. it's very lecturing.

it's just so overly flowery without expressing anything meaningful. no one in a leadership position writes like this. writing is not about having as high an adjective to noun ratio as possible.
Banned
User avatar
Jun 22, 2012
4737 posts
722 upvotes
Shhanada
Appak02 wrote: Ok, third times a charm:

As a high-energy business leader, I believe strongly in setting – and achieving results. Without strong management strategizing, a company’s growth will remain static. This work smart – and hard – approach is a great match for a company that values a decisive, goal-oriented thinker. Please see my enclosed resume; it outlines my background, highlights of which are included in the following:
• Strategic Planning: Created strategies for growth management, turnaround, and market contraction. Identified profitable acquisition and diversification opportunities leading to the overall growth of the company.
• Growth Performance: Increased sales reaching a 3M target. Consistently a key member of sales closing team for contracts which played an important role in overall business success.
• Logistics Manager: Coordinating and liaising effectively with suppliers of raw materials, manufacturers, retailers and consumers – in a seamless supply chain management cycle.
• Human Resources: Managed diverse workforce unifying marketing, sales, and upper management and creating a strong, cohesive unit focused on sales targets.
I'd like to put these strengths to work in another leadership role. I would appreciate an opportunity to talk about what I can offer your company and I look forward to discussing the overall goals of your business.
Sincerely,

XXXXXX

Enclosure
I'm with boredsilly in finding this to be over the top and a turn-off. Better to be understated and then impress them when the real life you is better than your cover letter, rather than the opposite.

Look at Geokilla's example of how to be matter-of-fact.

This: "Strategic Planning: Created strategies for growth management, turnaround, and market contraction. Identified profitable acquisition and diversification opportunities leading to the overall growth of the company." is fine, specifically because it's about objectivity not subjectivity.

This: "Managed diverse workforce unifying marketing, sales, and upper management and creating a strong, cohesive unit focused on sales targets." isn't as good, because it strays into subjectivity.

I'd lose the whole first section as it contain sort of ridiculous attributes that anyone could claim and yet aren't specific qualifications. There's no criteria for "high-energy" or "strong management strategizing". I assure you, every executive manager on Earth thinks their "strategizing" is the most brilliant, even when it's not. Everyone in the world thinks they work smart and work hard. Everyone thinks they are "goal-oriented" and they are the superior "thinker". Skip all that, since it's just a tedious way of saying, "Hi, I'm like every other human being."

At the end, let's be real, they aren't posting jobs for the sake of "discussing your overall business goals". They are filling a spot. Tell them why you are less worse than the next person, but do it at the interview. And make sure you get that interview by seeming reasonable in your application.

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