Parenting & Family

Getting depressed over 2 year old

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  • Jul 5th, 2021 10:32 am
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Jul 1st, 2021 10:02 am
ratatapa [OP]
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Nov 28, 2013
2925 posts
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Quebec

Jul 1st, 2021 10:02 am

Getting depressed over 2 year old

Please fully read before commenting

I'm looking for assistance in how to better deal with the situation, so don't need the 'it's normal' etc I'm aware of that, I'm just looking on help on how to deal with it

Incoming wall of text.

Yes its me again asking for assistance, its just that now we are getting over our energy and getting exhausted

Situation Mom 34, Dad 35 and 2 boys. 23 months (2 year old next week) and 2 months old

Our future 2 year old was such a sweet child back then and now he's giving us much trouble, yes it's due to terrible two and the jealousy of the new baby.

Please note that our 2 year old loves his brother, he hugs him, tries to give him his pacifier and everything

Now

Section1 Food.

When he's at home, he doesn't eat anymore, he can pass the whole weekend without eating 1 bites or he will ask for food, we prepare him and he will eat 1-2 times then just stop and demands to go on the floor, so he usually goes to daycare empty tummy and same for bed time. But at kindergarten or when he goes to his grandma he's eating like a pig like if we were not feeding him, once again I know it's kinda normal. But now all he wants is Milk (not in a bottle) but Milk I'm guessing it's because of the baby 'eating milk' and he wants to do like him

We tried to make him choose what everyone will eat, he will usually choose but when its ready he refuse to eat, we tried to keep his plate for 30 min then just removing the plate from him (he never asks for it)

We also trying not to tell him stuff like. 'eat one more' or eat this everything that can 'force him'

To make me worry more he's been loosing weight, a few weeks ago he was 27.0 he's not 26

I tried contacting the doctor, but she refuses to see him due to covid, the fact he already has an appointment on July 12 and the fact that he doesn't seem sick

Section 2: Attitude
Once again this is only at home but all he does it cry now, he refuses to play with his toys, and all he wants is to be held, all he does is ask for mom or dad to hold him, and of course if he doesn't get what he wants he starts a tantrum. Exemple I go get him at daycare he's gentle happy smiley, we enter the house he starts yelling I WANT MOMMY or I WANT DADDY and it goes until bed time

Section 3 : Discipline

GF and I are working hard to discipline him but we just don't know how to, when he does a tantrum for whatever reason either cuz we say no, because he doesn't wanna eat or whatever its tantrum time, the problem with tantrum time is he doesn't listen, he just yell louder then we talk, we try to resonate him explain him but he just yells louder.

So we tried 2 timeout methods
1) In the Room to think about what he did. Which doesn't work cuz he tantrum as soon as he gets out or he just explose inside the room

2) Timeout chair, which makes him auto explode and we have to hold him to keep him there



We are kinda out of ressources now, once again I know it's all normal but I'm looking for tips to make this more manageable

Thanks
Last edited by ratatapa on Jul 1st, 2021 10:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
10 replies
Jul 1st, 2021 10:32 am
ratatapa [OP]
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Nov 28, 2013
2925 posts
1285 upvotes
Quebec

Jul 1st, 2021 10:32 am

Kiraly wrote: ↑ You say that he is 2 but also say he is in kindergarten..do you mean day care? Kindergarten starts at age 4 or 5.
Sorry for the mis work yes I meant daycare lol
Jul 1st, 2021 10:38 am
hierophant
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Feb 4, 2010
7024 posts
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Jul 1st, 2021 10:38 am

OP I've read your other posts as well and I do think your reactions and energy to your son are making things worse - you had these concerns even before your 2 year old was born (I remember reading about that). I have a feeling that you're the type of person that sees problems everywhere, glass half empty. You need to let go of expectations, controlling or comparing your kids' behaviour to others. The biggest thing kids need to know is they're loved, safe and secure (they are very keen to pick up on others' energy and the unspoken) - they want to know they have their parents love and attention - if they don't feel that they will act out. You getting depressed over your child is highly concerning and is just going to make things worse.

I would highly recommend reading anything by Dr. Shefali Tsbaray but in particular The Conscious Parent - make time to read it as I think it will tremendously help you and your relationship with your kids. https://www.amazon.ca/Conscious-Parent- ... 1897238452
+6
Jul 1st, 2021 10:49 am
Kiraly
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Jul 1st, 2021 10:49 am

§1 Food. I wouldn't worry about it yet. Just give him food, if he doesn't eat he doesn't eat. He is very unlikely to starve himself sick. It's good that he's happy with milk. If he continues to lose weight, take him to the doctor.

§2 Attitude. Yes this can be tough. It's natural for him to want to be held at that age. It's comforting. See if he will like being carried around in one of those child carrier backpacks. That might be all he needs to comfort him and you can get on with your evening (cooking, vacuuming, etc) with him on your back.

§3 Discipline. I found what worked best with tantruming 2 year olds is to not engage at all. Time-outs, power struggles, send-to-room, none of that worked for our kids. What did work was to just ignore them. At first we had to listen to them scream and pound the floor for an extended time. Yes that's hard at first—you tend to think you're "letting them get away with that behaviour". But it was actually an investment: as they learned that tantrums will not get them what they want from us, the tantrums became progressively shorter and less frequent, until they quit them entirely.

Good luck my friend.
+2
Jul 1st, 2021 11:22 am
Jenuine
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Jul 1st, 2021 11:22 am

This all sounds normal for a two year old. Timeout doesn’t work at this age because they don’t understand it. The best thing you can do for tantrums is just to ignore and disengage. The more he sees it gets a reaction out of you, the more he’ll do it.

As for eating, just leave food out. If he’s hungry then he’ll eat. Again, the more you push him to eat or the more it affects you that he’s not eating, he won’t eat to get a reaction out of you.

All I can say is that it gets better. Ours is 4 years old now but around that age, the tantrums were relentless and it was stressful.
+2
Jul 1st, 2021 12:26 pm
gr8dlr
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Jul 1st, 2021 12:26 pm

Adult/parent vs 2 yr old.

2 yr old will not change first...so adult/parent must change SOMETHING.

It sounds very much like a power struggle...the 2 yr old wants attention and it seems they're getting it but you're reinforcing the bad behaviour which led to their desired outcome [attention] so they will keep doing the bad behaviour to get the result they want.

Something has to change...child needs some kind of reassuring/attention/reward to do what you want. I think it's 100% attention grabbing /jealousy vs new child.

Maybe you need to do a divide and conquer strategy...one spouse gives him attention [play/eat] while other caters to baby and keep switching places so child doesn't feel attached to one parent but not the other. Maybe do not feed baby in front of or around child ever for now. Let them see baby being fed with a bottle [let him see you fake it for a bit] .
We're all bozos on the bus until we find a way to express ourselves...

Failure is always an option...just not the preferred one!
Jul 1st, 2021 5:23 pm
fogetmylogin
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Jul 1st, 2021 5:23 pm

Kiraly wrote: ↑ §1 Food. I wouldn't worry about it yet. Just give him food, if he doesn't eat he doesn't eat. He is very unlikely to starve himself sick. It's good that he's happy with milk. If he continues to lose weight, take him to the doctor.

§2 Attitude. Yes this can be tough. It's natural for him to want to be held at that age. It's comforting. See if he will like being carried around in one of those child carrier backpacks. That might be all he needs to comfort him and you can get on with your evening (cooking, vacuuming, etc) with him on your back.

§3 Discipline. I found what worked best with tantruming 2 year olds is to not engage at all. Time-outs, power struggles, send-to-room, none of that worked for our kids. What did work was to just ignore them. At first we had to listen to them scream and pound the floor for an extended time. Yes that's hard at first—you tend to think you're "letting them get away with that behaviour". But it was actually an investment: as they learned that tantrums will not get them what they want from us, the tantrums became progressively shorter and less frequent, until they quit them entirely.

Good luck my friend.
I agree with most of this. Mostly normal and you need to be patient. On the food front you can establish rules and habits now. It’s trickier with daycare if they are encouraging bad habits. Worry about habits more than nutrition. For example I’d cut down on the milk. Is a crutch. If he’s hungry he will eat what you offer. He may refuse awhile and even lose weight but not starve. He has to see there aren’t other options. Don’t sneak protein and veggies into smoothies. Provide balanced food and less choice.
Jul 1st, 2021 9:51 pm
Macx2mommy
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Jul 1st, 2021 9:51 pm

@ratatapa congrats on the second. You started a similar thread before the second was born. The advice is similar. Yes, this is normal behaviour. You and your gf are exhausted, and it will, continue. The advice before your baby was born was nip the behaviour in bud and start being disciplining your toddler consistently before the baby comes because he will want to divert back. So here you are.

My advice is pick a parenting method and stick with it. Even when it’s hard, like right now, which is exhausting.

3. For the discipline, read 3-2-1 magic. It’s a great step by step. You need to teach your children when you say something, you mean, and you won’t cave. Sorry, your past post show you cave. Right now, it sounds like tantrums are working great for him. He gets what he wants, so continues with it. So if you don’t want that, then you have to do something different. It’s hard, it’s normal. Most parents go through some form of dealing with tantrums. If you don’t want them to continue, you need to do something. Read the book.

2. For the clingy ness, this is really normal at 2 and it’s worst when there is a sibling. You got double whammied here. Show him he is a big boy and give he ime special one on one attention. Set time up for that. Try to involve him, and makes sure he gets big boy privileges that the baby doesn’t get. But that also means he can’t be the baby. He needs to eat big non food, I would seriously take him.to a fun place and let him have a special treat which only big boys can eat.

3. The food is the smallest issue. You need to get the discipline in order first. If the doctor isn’t concerned, then it’s mot a medical issue, it’s a parenting issue, Reduce drinks and milk until after the meal. He gets some choice at meals, he eats that then he can have his drink of milk. Grazing is shown that kids will consume less because it takes the edge off. He can eat at meal time, if he doesn’t eat, he will be hungry until the next meal, if you are feeling this is tough, then he gets that meal at snack time which then becomes his meal.
On a 'smart' device that isn't always so smart. So please forgive the autocorrects and typos. If it bothers you, then don't read my posts, but don't waste my time correcting me. If you can get past the typos, then my posts generally have some value.
+2
Jul 2nd, 2021 4:48 pm
dealo'day
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Jul 2nd, 2021 4:48 pm

*
There is plenty of evidence from studies with how destructive physical discipline is. All children will differently react but it's very likely it'll result in many mental health issues.
This isn't even going into the issue of how the child who grew up in such a violent household will react when their parents won't act accordingly in their frail age. If you don't want to take the pills, or do what you've been asked of, you think you'll also be deserving of a beating when you'll be 80 or 90? Violence towards the elderly and children is quite endemic. There is a mountain load of evidence of why it shouldn't be done and yet some still hold onto these antiquated ideals.
Last edited by MrDisco on Jul 5th, 2021 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: quoted post was removed
+3
Jul 5th, 2021 10:32 am
Dynatos
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Oct 24, 2010
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Jul 5th, 2021 10:32 am

Macx2mommy wrote: ↑ @ratatapa congrats on the second. You started a similar thread before the second was born. The advice is similar. Yes, this is normal behaviour. You and your gf are exhausted, and it will, continue. The advice before your baby was born was nip the behaviour in bud and start being disciplining your toddler consistently before the baby comes because he will want to divert back. So here you are.

My advice is pick a parenting method and stick with it. Even when it’s hard, like right now, which is exhausting.

3. For the discipline, read 3-2-1 magic. It’s a great step by step. You need to teach your children when you say something, you mean, and you won’t cave. Sorry, your past post show you cave. Right now, it sounds like tantrums are working great for him. He gets what he wants, so continues with it. So if you don’t want that, then you have to do something different. It’s hard, it’s normal. Most parents go through some form of dealing with tantrums. If you don’t want them to continue, you need to do something. Read the book.

2. For the clingy ness, this is really normal at 2 and it’s worst when there is a sibling. You got double whammied here. Show him he is a big boy and give he ime special one on one attention. Set time up for that. Try to involve him, and makes sure he gets big boy privileges that the baby doesn’t get. But that also means he can’t be the baby. He needs to eat big non food, I would seriously take him.to a fun place and let him have a special treat which only big boys can eat.

3. The food is the smallest issue. You need to get the discipline in order first. If the doctor isn’t concerned, then it’s mot a medical issue, it’s a parenting issue, Reduce drinks and milk until after the meal. He gets some choice at meals, he eats that then he can have his drink of milk. Grazing is shown that kids will consume less because it takes the edge off. He can eat at meal time, if he doesn’t eat, he will be hungry until the next meal, if you are feeling this is tough, then he gets that meal at snack time which then becomes his meal.
+1

Our almost 3 year old has trouble at breakfast and supper time, but our dayhome operator says he eats everything she puts in front of him. After trial and error, we've discovered that (a) he doesn't like to eat breakfast until he's been away for at least 30 minutes (usually more like an hour); and (b) he's not hungry when we normally have supper, primarily because the dayhome operator gives him a snack not long before we pick him up.

Thankfully, our dayhome operator feeds the kids a healthy and balanced breakfast shortly after they arrive. We offer him breakfast, but if he doesn't eat anything in the morning we don't worry about it because we know he'll get breakfast at the dayhome. If he doesn't eat supper with us, we offer it again as his bed time snack. 9 times out of 10 he'll eat it all then anyway, because at that point he's hungry and knows he's not getting anything to eat until the next morning.

Toddlers also like to make decisions. Where we can, we give our son tow things that are acceptable to us that he can choose between. At breakfast or snack time, for example, he's given option A and option B. This works when he's getting dressed, or when we're decision on an activity, or literally anything else. If he's felt that he's made the decision, he's more likely to willingly eat the food, wear the clothes, or participate in the activity without a tantrum.

We're about to see what happens when a an infant is introduced to the mix, though. My wife is 28 weeks along, and our toddler will be firmly a talking, questioning, fiercely independent, threenager. We know there will be some adjustment, but we've been trying to make some of those adjustments for the last 24 weeks. We quickly learned that talking about baby or things related to baby cause him to act out unless we involve him in the conversation. If we involve him in the discussion, or in the decision making process, we completely avoid tantrums. If we talk about it in his presence without involving him, he'll try to speak over us to get attention, or start to act out in some other way (throw something, tantrum, etc).

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