Parenting & Family

Locked: How do parents with Jobs that have mandatory long shifts handle day care?

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  • Apr 8th, 2019 9:41 am
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Jun 24, 2015
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How do parents with Jobs that have mandatory long shifts handle day care?

not sure about here on rfd but it seems most people and their wifes have easy lives with 9 to 5 jobs and such. But there are people out there whose wife works long 12 hour shifts at their job not including time for commuting/car pooling with the mother in law. How do the grown ups handle doing all the dropping off to daycare and picking up the kids all by them self? Its tiresome when your the only one who has to do it all the time. The reason my wife cant do it is because she leaves the house at 6:15 in the morning and day care is not open that early. how do people do it who have jobs like this? in my case all the responsibility falls on me. i have to refuse over time and refuse after work hangouts with the boys who go out to drink beers and watch the game cus i have to rush to day care to pick up the kids otherwise id get charged
Last edited by GoodFellaz on Apr 5th, 2019 11:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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GoodFellaz wrote: not sure about here on rfd but it seems most people and their wifes have easy lives with 9 to 5 jobs and such. But there are people out there whose wife works long 12 hour shifts at their job not including time for commuting/car pooling with the mother in law. How do the grown ups handle doing all the dropping off to daycare and picking up the kids all by them self? Its tiresome when your the only one who has to do it all the time. The reason my wife cant do it is because she leaves the house at 6:15 in the morning and day care is not open that early. how do people do it who have jobs like this? in my case all the responsibility falls on me. i have to refuse over time and refuse after work hangouts with the boys who go out to drink beers and watch the game cus i have to rush to day care to pick up the kids otherwise id get charged
Doesn't appear to be a problem?
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I have co-workers who have stay at home wives, and they still refuse after work hangouts, and are reluctant to stay past 5, when their children were young. One even quit a rather lucrative job with significant business travel, so he could work 9-5 and help out his stay at home wife with the upbringing of the children. When you have children, social life takes a bit of planning. Save up / schedule for a babysitter, if you want to go watch a game.
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Jun 23, 2017
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Isn't spending time with your kids more important than drinking and watching games?
[OP]
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Jun 24, 2015
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Andrewhl wrote: Isn't spending time with your kids more important than drinking and watching games?
it is more important don't get me wrong, Im just saying if one partner in a marriage is always at work, the other has to take the kids to school, go to work, then rush home to pick them up, etc, and its all the time, how does one deal with that?
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May 12, 2014
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Unfortunately raising kids properly requires significant sacrifices.

I'm sorry that I don't have better news.


Of course some people have it a little easier, and can rely on grandparents, siblings, other family or even paid help to allow themselves some time outs.

For those who can't, as Lawrence said, the secret is not minding that it hurts.
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Jun 28, 2009
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Goodfellaz should have thought about all these things before deciding to finishing in rather out....
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Welcome to parenting.
Other option is to have your wife to stayhe mom and maybe then she can take fulltime care of thekids
Downsize to apartment if necessary to curb expenses
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GoodFellaz wrote: it is more important don't get me wrong, Im just saying if one partner in a marriage is always at work, the other has to take the kids to school, go to work, then rush home to pick them up, etc, and its all the time, how does one deal with that?
I have a similar situation as you. My wife came home after 6 pm almost every weekday, so it's me who do pick-up and drop off, plus preparing dinner for kids, taking my toddler son to shower/changing diaper, and it's almost always me who put him to bed because my wife would be so exhausted to do this even if she makes home early. And since we are first generation immigrants here, we don't have any siblings or parents to help us out.

Basically, I've given up pretty much 90% of my social life since our son was born. If I want to drink, I drink at home after my son goes to sleep. I barely have any dinner with my friends during weekdays. If I want to meet up with my friends, I invite them to my home for lunch at weekends, usually at that time my boy is napping so we can have some time for conversation. And I make it very clear that my son has a fixed schedule so if they want to come, they can only come at a certain time.
I know it sucks but that's the only option we have.

how old is your kid?
From newborn to 4yr old is the hardest part because they need you to help them with almost everything and there are a lot of places they cannot go with you.
Once your kid is old enough you can bring your kid to your games or to your friends' places. And it will be super easy because they understand your instructions and they know(to some extent) that what they are supposed to do or not to do when going out with you.
Before that all you can do is just suck it up.

btw, from my experience, Most people who do not have children wouldn't understand your situation unless you tell them that you have a kid who needs nap/feeding/changing diaper etc. I've had friends who keep asking me out for weekday dinner. It never occurred to them that I have a toddler boy who needs to go to bed at that time.
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Some parents ask their parents (the grand parents of the kid) to go pick it up or drop off in the morning.
I understand that not everyone have this luxury to have a good helper, but otherwise you have to pay the day care to keep your car there until 6pm.
Either the husband or the wife has to make sure they can pick the kids before 6pm.
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We didn't have much family help available either. Both my spouse and I worked long hours before kids, and daycare hours wouldn't work. We went with a live in nanny. It was expensive with just one, so we also nanny shared. My spouse changed work so he was travelling all the time. I moved jobs too for a more flexible schedule. That still left us with rushing home because the nanny was off (she started when the kids woke up), so we weren't going out socially. I gave up all my sports, and drinks after work were planned well in advance. When they are younger, you end sacrificing social time/paying someone more to babysit. If you are doing most of the work (that's the case with me), then you need to be super organized. When we no longer had our nanny, I would prep all the meals ahead of time, and then slow cook or now Instant pot them. I have someone cleaning my place. Until they are are old enough to walk hoje by themselves, there is not much you can do.
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GoodFellaz wrote: not sure about here on rfd but it seems most people and their wifes have easy lives with 9 to 5 jobs and such. But there are people out there whose wife works long 12 hour shifts at their job not including time for commuting/car pooling with the mother in law. How do the grown ups handle doing all the dropping off to daycare and picking up the kids all by them self? Its tiresome when your the only one who has to do it all the time. The reason my wife cant do it is because she leaves the house at 6:15 in the morning and day care is not open that early. how do people do it who have jobs like this? in my case all the responsibility falls on me. i have to refuse over time and refuse after work hangouts with the boys who go out to drink beers and watch the game cus i have to rush to day care to pick up the kids otherwise id get charged
Many people have 'easy 9-5 jobs' because a lot sacrificed their career such that someone could take care of the kids. We don't have any family help available. I've had to make a lot of big career sacrifices since having my first such that I can do both drop off and pick up. Do I get envious of my peers / old classmates who have all been promoted since I first got pregnant? Of course; linkedin can be pretty depressing. But I have 2 kids and they don't and that's just the cost.

Also, I'm not sure it's the norm for even one parent to regularly go out to socials (without family or paid help), especially on a weekday and especially if you have more than 1 kid. When I go out with a group of mom friends (like a moms night out), we plan 2 months in advance to make sure none of our kids have events and that we can secure babysitting...
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FrancisBacon wrote: Unfortunately raising kids properly requires significant sacrifices.

I'm sorry that I don't have better news.


Of course some people have it a little easier, and can rely on grandparents, siblings, other family or even paid help to allow themselves some time outs.

For those who can't, as Lawrence said, the secret is not minding that it hurts.
Bang on.

On another note, funny thing, there are alot of 'tough', know it all young guys guys on these (and others, especially reddit) forums generally, but one day, when you have a kid, and have to do this routine.. you will FEEEL it. And will understand why people move out to the burbs often close to their family and stuff. Or NEED a car to live in the burbs.

OP, I don't know too many in your situation where you have to do both drop off and pick-up. It really isn't sustainable. Just wait until they start getting harder to handle in terms of dressing up, acting up, tantrums, then bad weather, traffic or train delays. You will crack at some point, and it can lead to the feeling that you want to separate. Believe me, this happens alot (usually it's the 2nd kid when you have it within 2-3 years of each other).

The best thing you can do is talk to your wife. Meaning that you really don't think you can sustain this level of stress and pressure (emphasize that nobody really ever does before and after). Your ability at work will suffer immensely. So you really have to make some hard choices. That means talking to her about her job situation, having to move and downsize if necessary, move in with a parent or closer, etc.

Believe me, it will not get easier.. but harder. Especially if you have a 2nd kid. Remember, when it comes to actual school, you will have to continue this. Some hard choices will be have to be made. Family life like this is a giant puzzle.. the question, what are you willing to do to change the pieces so they fit better.
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It will gets easier as the child grows up; he/she may even be able to start helping around the house. Every parent situation is different, and you do whatever is in the best interest of the child.
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Electrah wrote: It will gets easier as the child grows up; he/she may even be able to start helping around the house. Every parent situation is different, and you do whatever is in the best interest of the child.
Lol, yea, sure, but that could be like 6-7 years. Do to both for that long is inhumanely possible. I don't know anyone, out of my friends, or people I've worked with that's done it for a whole duration. My kid is in JK, and if I were to be the one having to do BOTH drop off and pick-up, while rushing to work in-between, having to worry about making sure I leave on time, no delays, etc., it would be the end of me. Sure they're easier at this age, but the whole physical mechanics of it dictates it to be very difficult.
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at1212b wrote: ...is inhumanely possible. I don't know anyone, out of my friends, or people I've worked with that's done it for a whole duration. My kid is in JK, and if I were to be the one having to do BOTH drop off and pick-up, while rushing to work in-between, ..
I do it, and I have more than 2 kids, all very closely spaced in age. And more coming.

It's hard, but it is doable. Not without significant sacrifices however.
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apnayloags wrote: Welcome to parenting.
Other option is to have your wife to stayhe mom and maybe then she can take fulltime care of thekids
Downsize to apartment if necessary to curb expenses
Stay at home mother has immediate and long term consequences. Most underestimate the huge life style change with reduced income and long term wise she will lose her independence and earning power when she is older. She may have to retire later as well possibly impacting her being available for grand kids. Requires some thought and should be based on a family's circumstances.
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FrancisBacon wrote: I do it, and I have more than 2 kids, all very closely spaced in age. And more coming.

It's hard, but it is doable. Not without significant sacrifices however.
My kids are still young, so I can't comment about not burning out, but my husband helps in the morning (we leave at the same time), which helps a lot with stress of getting out and to work on time. I find drop off much more stressful than pick up since I have to get to work by a specific time.

Snowstorms are the worst though. Absolute worst.
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apnayloags wrote: Welcome to parenting.
Other option is to have your wife to stayhe mom and maybe then she can take fulltime care of thekids
Downsize to apartment if necessary to curb expenses
Just wondering why just the wife? Another option is that the dad could stay at home too. Who ever makes the most money or has the highest salary potential.
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Call me sexist, honestly I feel like a lot of these questions of "how can I continue to go out with coworkers" moms just automatically prioritize the family and accept that you may not be able to do that as often as you want/used to. Do we not want to also have some Me time? Yes. But we've kind of signed up for this, and I expect my husband to be in this together.

I do both the drop off and pick up, but I did switch jobs so that I am closer to home and my work hours are a bit more flexible. It does get stressful if I have an early morning meeting, but I try to not get myself booked in at the beginning and the end of the work day.

And in terms of hanging out, we know drink at playdates / brunch at our friend's houses. It works! Just switch the venue AND the kids get to tire themselves out on new toys - win/win!

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