So unhappy.

CommutingKills wrote: ↑ Hey,
I've always had issues making friends, I just didn't know how to socialize when I was young. This played a huge part in my decision to stay at home during university, and to commute to school. I am now in my third year of school, just started, and I am incredibly unhappy. I see the few friends I have having what seems to be the times of their lives living at school, having these incredibly experiences, while I'm doing nothing. I've considered transferring to a school where I'd live on/near campus, though I don't know if that would make sense, as I'd likely lose this semester of school when transferring credits, and I am almost done. I'm also considering doing a semester or year abroad, which also may give me that experience while also giving me the experience of living abroad. For context, I live in Toronto, and go to school in downtown Toronto. There are student residences available near my school, however they are very expensive, and I don't know if I could get the experience I want, in a big city. I was leaning pretty heavily towards transferring, however now I'm realizing that I'd be in 3rd year, and will likely have a very hard time making friends - which I'd need to have those experiences I want - as everyone has already solidified into groups.
I am definitely fixating on this issue, and cannot relax or get it off of my mind, until I feel like it's "resolved". Please help, I'm desperate, and so depressed.

CommutingKills wrote: ↑ I have considered an exchange, I'm considering that too. I think it's a pretty good option, cause I don't need to worry about transfer credits or anything. And I'm not looking to live in res, I know that's for first years, I understand that I'd be living off-campus. I've heard a lot of people say that, that if I can't have fun in downtown Toronto then the issue is with me, but I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I've tried to make friends, tried to do things and have fun, and it's just not working. I feel like I'm wasting this time of my life. and as I'm doing political science (no jobs, I know), I'm planning on going to grad school. And definitely planning on leaving the city for that. I'm very unhappy with my current situation, and just trying to figure out the best way to do that while I still can.

CommutingKills wrote: ↑ I have considered an exchange, I'm considering that too. I think it's a pretty good option, cause I don't need to worry about transfer credits or anything. And I'm not looking to live in res, I know that's for first years, I understand that I'd be living off-campus. I've heard a lot of people say that, that if I can't have fun in downtown Toronto then the issue is with me, but I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I've tried to make friends, tried to do things and have fun, and it's just not working. I feel like I'm wasting this time of my life. and as I'm doing political science (no jobs, I know), I'm planning on going to grad school. And definitely planning on leaving the city for that. I'm very unhappy with my current situation, and just trying to figure out the best way to do that while I still can.

CommutingKills wrote: ↑ I really will look into that, I'm in a pretty low place right now. It's like, I keep looking forward for things to get better, I don't expect life to be perfect right off the bat. I know it takes time. And I've become way better at socializing, but I don't know. I have no friends. Like I don't have one true friend that I know I can rely on, that I know likes me, and wants me around, that I know will look out for me. It's lonely, and difficult. I'm usually fine with it, I'm used to being alone, but sometimes it just gets to me.

CommutingKills wrote: ↑ I definitely do have skills and hobbies, and have joined some groups and clubs on campus that have to do with those things but I still didn't find what I was looking for. I feel as though I really put myself out there and tried to make friends and good experiences, and that didn't happen. I'm insecure in the sense of my social skills, but not really my appearance, I already to hit the gym and stuff. I'm interested in going out and drinking, and I've done that like twice in my whole school career. So I know that alcohol is liquid courage, but I can't find anyone that wants to partake in that stuff with me.

Manatus wrote: ↑ I don't think changing schools will help necessarily, but not living at home might. It's one thing to have events in your calendar, but for me at least a lot of the university experience was just being around campus and around people. Living in residence or nearby off campus with other students, just being there when someone asks who wants to grab a drink or go for a drive or go play football outside at 11pm when it's snowing. If you're only there for class and planned events, and your default is to "go home" once it's over, you do miss out on the spontaneity. In my opinion that's when you get to know people, not at official networking sessions.

It really depends on the person, but I'm naturally introverted and I know if I'd had the option of living with my parents during university, the temptation for me would be to just go home and stay at home once my last class was over. Simple things like just running errands, using the shared laundry facilities in the building made me feel like part of the student community, doing things that everyone else was doing rather than just letting my parents take care of things like I was still in high school (which is probably what would have happened if I didn't "move away" for university).

Macx2mommy wrote: ↑ So what is it that you are looking for? When you say that you put yourself out there, can you be more specific with some examples.

Its actually the social skills part that is more important than the physical appearance when making connections and forming friendships. If you are looking for friends and experiences. Alcohol can lessen your guard and loosen you up, but seldomly does it end up in long lasting friendships. It takes time and effort to initially build friendships. Going out once or twice isn't enough, its about finding connections, common interests. It starts with just doing some fun activities.

I don't think moving schools is the answer, most likely joining more activities, meeting new classmates. I found it didn't matter the year I was in (many years ago), I had found new people to do things with every year. In fact, my closest friends where in my final year as the first two years people were dropping out, moving on. Don't despair, but you just need figure what is working or no.

CommutingKills wrote: ↑ I go to school in Toronto, so even the "student" housing around campus is crazy expensive. Moving school would mean that I could afford to live around campus, with other students, I can't really do that in the city. I want that experience, I'm just worried that if I transfer now I won't make friends because everyone has already made their friends, and I'm just gonna be alone somewhere else.

Manatus wrote: ↑ I don't think that's necessarily true, at least it wasn't for me. Depending on your program, you're not always in the same classes with the same people. At least for me, I met new people all the time, worked in groups with different people, and so on. It definitely wasn't just the people I met during first year orientation who were among my friends when I graduated. One of the people I remember most was an exchange student who came from Germany in 3rd year, so don't think it's too late. From one perspective you could say the opportunities are better in the later years as people start to take things more seriously and it becomes less like high school.

And I'm not pretending to know your situation, but for me at least, even the times I was alone as an adult were much better than the times I was alone and living at home. I could define my relationship with the world - if I chose to stay at home and study or do my own stuff or just sleep in, it wasn't because I had to hurry to the TTC because it takes an hour to get home and mom's cooking dinner. I feel like I couldn't really take ownership of my life, and make good decisions and bad ones, until I moved out. It would have been more difficult to relate to my peers and share common experiences without that.

CommutingKills wrote: ↑ You mean like living alone, but not living at home, while being out of school? Yeah, that makes sense. And that makes me feel a lot better, I just don't want to feel like I did all the work of transferring just to be unhappy somewhere else. But I also realize that is kind of irrational, because I can clearly see how I could make friends, or join a group, you just have to click with people, I don't think it matters when. And yeah, I'm turning 20 in a little less than a month, and I'm just feeling so done with living at home. Me and my parents don't have an especially bad relationship, but I just feel like I'm outgrowing having someone looking over my shoulder and telling me what to do.

Manatus wrote: ↑ I felt the same way. And to counterbalance the point of 'what if it ends up being a waste of time to transfer' - is that really worse than getting your piece of paper in 2 years but not really feeling like you went to university at all, or that you might as well have just got an online degree?

I'm not saying you should abandon your place in a good program just to go to a party school and spend more money doing so. But there is sense to what you're saying in that leaving 'home' makes you a different person, and if it's not financially possible to leave home in Toronto, well, it's worth thinking about your options. Another option would be to finish it, and either study or work somewhere else afterwards. 20 is nothing, you won't stop making friends with each new job you do, each new town you live in, as long as you're open to it. I know university gets hyped up as this mega-important thing that will determine your future, but unless you're a real superstar, if you're just one of us average joes, it's really just the beginning.

I've worked in 3 different countries since I graduated, each time moving there knowing no one. Each time having the opportunity to start over, to be a different person, to do things differently if I wanted to. Many people do similar things, and as the world moves in that direction, many more will. It's great if you make friends during university and keep them for a lifetime, but even if you don't, you'll have countless opportunities to do so later. So play it safe, finish your degree at home, save your money and spend it wisely later. Or take a chance and experience something different. Neither one is a mistake, honestly. Unless you're set on becoming an astronaut or something, you're not doing anything now that can't be changed later.