Teaching your child assertiveness

However now I watch her at the playground or play centers and see she is very timid around other kids. She will want to play with something but wait until its empty and approaches it slowly... but most other kids are running full speed towards whatever they want and if they cut in front of her she just backs up or freezes and lets all the other kids in. Eventually she doesn't want to play that anymore and leaves to do something else. I notice she doesn't like to play with big groups of kids around.

spike1128 wrote: ↑ Op. I wouldn’t say being assertive or timid either a bad things. Kids are born with parental traits and also learn as they grow from life experiences. Society teach people to follow rules and those who don’t play in the rules should be punished. I suppose it works out for bad people because system is soft on crime.

I agree with the other poster. In capitalistic society, aggressive and assertive make them an extrovert and usually rewarded more than a introverted. But if you child is born introvert, it’s not something you can turn around and force them to become an extrovert.

I find that just let the child be who she is and teaching her to be a good hearted person is more important than taking what she want to fulfill her own desires. You got at least another 14 years to see what type of person she will become, so not to be too worry about it.

Better to have an obedient child that grows up, than one that gets into trouble in life of going to jail or making life altering decisions. Parents who don’t teach their own children from right or wrong are bad parents, I roll my eyes when I see them let their kids get away with bad behaviors and don’t teach them.

Macx2mommy wrote: ↑ I agree with most of your post. One should not try and change a kids personality from introvert to extrovert. It just doesn't work. It's not about change but rather understanding one characteristics and working with it. I feel I should jump in on a couple of points.
aggressive and assertive make them an extrovert This is false. Being aggressive or assertive are not about apart of the personality traits of introversion or extroversion. You can have very aggressive introverts and very passive extroverts. Same with assertiveness. Aggression and assertiveness just show differently in these personality traits. My spouse is as introverted as they come, and he can be comfortably aggressive. I am extremely more extroverted, and would not be described as aggressive. These assertiveness and aggression are learned behaviors they are not inherent personality traits.

Better to have an obedient child that grows up, than one that gets into trouble in life of going to jail or making life altering decisions. Though I agrees that having an obedient child that gets taken advantage of is better than one that doesn't follow rules and ends of up jail is preferred. I would have to respectfully disagree that these are the only two outcomes possible. I personally do NOT want an obedient child (I partially type this as I have teens and myself I have raised them to where they are ) I would rather raise a child to respect rules and boundaries and understand why they are there and respectfully question orders and rules when they don't make sense. In our house, sometimes the kids don't agree with the rules or orders we have set out. We allow them to question us (as long as it's respectfully), and bring their side on why they don't agree with the rule. We will explain our reasoning and purpose too. Then if they cannot come up with a better way, then must still follow it. Sometimes as the parent will we change our minds, sometimes not. This also applies in school with their teachers, there have been some unreasonable requests, so we had our kids try to advocate for themselves. Nothing wrong with being assertive. My kids are also taught that sometimes, they just have to suck it up, and that is not the decision maker.

I just think teaching kids to always be obedient has a danger. That is they will just listen to others all the time. That's fine when the 'other' is the parent and we always have our kids best interests in mind, but their may come a time (think tweens and teenagers) where the friends have a larger influence. If they are just used to doing what they are told, then it can be an issue if their teenage friends are the ones telling them what to do.

I only responded to this because I think its an important reminder to parents that even if your kids are introverted they can be taught to advocate for themselves and assert their needs respectfully,

Hood_Rep wrote: ↑ Being assertive doesn't equate aggressiveness. Nor it means that the child will make wrong choices or end up in jail. A child can be introverted yet assertive.

OP don't listen to internet armchair experts throwing labels and conflating traits. Please seek professional guidance from a trained child psychologist or counsellor.

Macx2mommy wrote: ↑ This is exactly what my post was saying. I was quoting and bolding another posts that mention about assertiveness Did you quote the wrong person or only read my bolded and not my text?

Also, teaching child to be assertive doesn't require a counsellor or psychologist. There doesn't seem to be anything indicated in the OP's post that their well behaved 4 year old needs a counsellor.

Hood_Rep wrote: ↑ Relax. You don't need to be so aggressive. I was quoting you because I actually agreed with what you were saying.

I do however disagree about not needing professional advice. A trained professional can provide valuable counsel and support for both the child and the parents, as opposed to the Dr Googles on online forums that are often clueless about what they are advising. You can't diagnose the child based on a few lines the parent related here to believe she is "well behaved". There may be an underlying psychological issue why the child is always behaving shyly or is evasive or deeply introverted. You don't know that.

Macx2mommy wrote: ↑ @slowtyper This is probably going to be a long random posts. There is alot a play with teaching kids to be assertive.

Personality - they are born with a general introversion or extroversion. My oldest was so introverted, like her father. My youngest was more considered omniverted with a slight leaning towards extroversion. I am extremely extroverted. (It's can be challenging in our home). My oldest would be the one hanging back and observing, LITERALLY hiding under a desk if feeling uncomfortable and not wanting to get in an activity. Their natural tendencies will not change that much, that's a personality thing. HOWEVER, Introverts can practice being pushed out of their comfort zone and tools to deal with others, the same way extroverts can be taught to stop, pause and think before speaking or jumping in. Neither is good or bad, it just is, and it's important respect their personalities, but give them tools to function in something out of their comfort.

I had my kids in drama and performance camps in the summer when they were little. This was to help them get over the number one fear for many adult which is public speaking. They would feel drained after, and even more so when one ended up with lead, but had fun. They also got involved in debate because they really like arguing. Speech arts does the same and can be started at a younger age. I did this to get them so practice in an environment where they wouldn't see the kids again (not from school). Ironically, both of my kids LOVE debate, and are ranked in the debate communities. One volunteers at a foundation that helps other young kids learn debate and speak in public. They have no fear of public speaking. It's really helped their confidence. I also had my kids in in Girl Guides as their leader as this allows them many other skills to speak up (older units are expected to run their own meetings). So my point her, is even if their are introverted, put them in activities that they will enjoy that will push them out of their comfort zone. You are not trying to change who they are, just trying to get them to practice other skills in a fun way. After a big event, my kids veg for the whole weekend and don't want to see anyone, other than each other that's okay.

As parents, especially when they are young, they do need to learn to wait in line, take turns, be polite, share. This is something ALL kids should learn/be taught. I would rather have a kid who is polite, kind, and behave and more timid than those who are pushy and misbehaved and aggressive. However, There is a difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. One can be assertive and still be kind, polite and well behaved. This is the fine balance that is much more difficult to teach kids. This is where parents can really influence.

One can be taught to be kind, polite, share, etc while still having their boundaries. We have tried to teach our kids that if someone is doing something that impacts my kid negatively or is inappropriate, they have every right to tell them to stop. However, they must do it in the most respectful/polite way possible. If the other person doesn't follow, then our kids are told they may stand their ground, and we will always support them. This is where it gets tricky. We have some OMG's along the way.

Using your examples

You can teach you child that if she wants to do something she has every right to go and do it. Tell her that she can also run to the playground because the first person there does get it. There is nothing wrong with the other kids running at full speed (as long as they aren't hurting anyone else). I have always told my kids if they want something, they need to get there first. That could be a sign up at school, or to the swing. They know they shouldn't wait. I have literally tossed my kid into a stadium for first come first serve seating, and had her hold our seats (I couldn't get through the railing). They were 4 or 5 when we did this, and they still know that if they want something they need to be there first. This also helps with lack of procrastination in our house and lack of freezing. I recommend you do this in a smaller safer environment if she is timid. An example was were were lining up for ice cream this weekend (There was a huge fundraiser for Ukraine). To get in there, I had my kid get out in the line while I parked, if she was younger, I would have gone with her while my spouse parked. That just shows them they have to get their faster. We did this for restaurants too. Giving her practice in scenarios so she doesn't freeze is helpful. One cannot expect others to wait for her.

The next part, which is also tricky is setting boundaries. When she does get in line, and if some one cuts in, then she needs to tell them she is in line. Sadly, other kids are lousy at listening. So as a parent, when I have seen other do my kid wrong, I will firmly yet politely tell the other kid that my kid was there (after my child would tell them first), then I would tell the kid the action I want (wait behind), and as an adult, that is usually enough. On occasion, if the kid doesn't comply, I will decide if I escalate depending on the kids attitude, and how important it is. This is wear the fine line is. I have had an angry parent at me but generally I am pretty reasonable, so most people are supportive of me or they are embarrass.

I taught my kid this because in grade 1, she was standing in line (she was first), and another kid wanted to be first. She said, "next I will let you in but this time, I am here". The kid punched her in the stomach (she is also very tiny). My daughter was taught to be polite and use her words and kid punched her again. We told her she could do what she needed to get the other kid to stop which include screaming loudly (we taught them not to scream at school), or pushing the kid away. We had to teach her that politeness goes out the window if anyone is trying to hurt her and she was allowed to use actions, not just words if needed. Then a couple of years later her and another kid got into a verbal argument. The kid started trying to shove her on the bus and head butt her. My kid asked her to stop firmly, and when she didn't pinned the other kid against the bus seat until the kid stopped fighting her. I got a call the my kid pinned her kid and the kid was traumatized. Found out there is always 3 sides at least to each story. The other kid was trying to get away from my kid because they were verbally arguing. However, instead of asking my kid to move out of the way, she was trying to push through. My kid took that as aggression and pinned her. The other kid was wrong by not using her words, my kid was wrong by stopping the other kid from leaving. We had to revise our plan that she should be 'stopping' the other person, but rather getting away.

All of these things take trial and error and really depends on the kids. We have told our kids that we will always support them if someone is trying to hurt them (verbally, physically, emotionally) we also know that everything has multiple parts, so we go over if there was something they could do differently to get different results. The other piece that we have taught them is they need to be respectful and kind but they don't have to have everyone like them. Their voice is very important.

I say this especially for parents of girls, is teach them to have a voice and stand up for themselves. Sometimes politeness will need to go out the window, but only after one has tried other more respectful means.

Tsanger wrote: ↑ Agree with everything @Macx2mommy said.

But also like you said, it’s personality too. As long as she’s still happy with the outcome, I think it’s ok.

Example: my older one is introverted and very careful, especially in new situations. He got a 1 out of 3 in music, French and yoga in Montessori (like seriously? It wasn’t even Casa, it was the 2-3 age group), the teacher said it’s because he refuses to participate. But he comes home singing French nursery rhymes and doing yoga poses. Or another time we were invited to a bday party of his Montessori friend. Aside from the friend, everything was new - the place, the situation, the other families and kids, the toys. He just wanted to watch from the side. And then he finally went to play something, a minute later he tells me he’s all done, and ready to go home. Alright, to us adults, a generally pretty bad outing. But he tells me he had lots of fun, played (which technically he did), had pizza, and also talks about it often afterwards and said it was fun. So I think as long as they’re taking it in stride (and it’s not a genuinely bad situation like hitting and bullying), that’s ok too.