Parenting & Family

Wedding planned for the last 3 years. How would you proceed?

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  • Nov 8th, 2020 10:04 pm
[OP]
Newbie
Jan 15, 2019
62 posts
40 upvotes

Wedding planned for the last 3 years. How would you proceed?

Hi all,

My fiancée and I have been engaged for the last 3 years, all coming down to this October.

Without stating the obvious elephant in the room, we’re so uncertain on how to proceed, and I was hoping to get all of your thoughts?

Some facts about the wedding:
-Outdoor ceremony, indoor dinner
-120 planned guests. We’re estimating 60-70 due to concerns
-$10k paid for venue, another $8k owing. Everything else is booked and paid for (most vendors allowing a refund if we cancel due to C19)

My parents are both against the wedding in these circumstances. We have friends and family who I know are also super uncomfortable.

Neither my wife and I are egotistic or self-centered. I have always been against the idea of a traditional large(ish) wedding, however like for many it’s my fiancées dream. If we continue to get married on our original date (without the guests and celebration), I don’t see the point of going through with a large party at the venue down the road. (ie postponing until 2021-2022). Plus, who’s to say corona is not still an issue? I would hate to have to have this looming over our heads for years.

On the other hand, I know how much my fiancée has been looking forward to this, and how upset she’ll be if we cancel it all together.

We’ve discussed limiting guests to only family+wedding party, but even then we will have 45 people and my family has concerns.

RFD — what is your perspective?
40 replies
Deal Guru
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Mar 9, 2007
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Think of the Childre…
Risky! Second wave is coming!

WOULD SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!
Deal Guru
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Jul 12, 2003
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Toronto
Downsize the wedding to a smaller one, maybe 30-50 guests instead of 120?

At least, she can keep "having" a wedding venue and not cancelled totally.

I wouldn't postpone further, you guys engaged for 3 years and IMO, it is dragging out so long before getting married.
Retired Forum Moderator February 2009 - June 2015
[OP]
Newbie
Jan 15, 2019
62 posts
40 upvotes
MP3_SKY wrote: Downsize the wedding to a smaller one, maybe 30-50 guests instead of 120?

At least, she can keep "having" a wedding venue and not cancelled totally.

I wouldn't postpone further, you guys engaged for 3 years and IMO, it is dragging out so long before getting married.
With our wedding party + immediate family we’re at 45.

In speaking with my parents, along with a couple other people, they’ve all voiced concerns even limiting it to that size. (For reference, our families get along great. It’s not coming from a place where they disagree with us getting married, it’s purely a safety concern).

I would hate to have a wedding where our own family feels unsafe, however I’m with you in that postponing it any longer is just dragging it out. We’ve been together for over 15 years, time to close this chapter of our lives lol.
Sr. Member
Jan 8, 2011
500 posts
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London
username6 wrote: With our wedding party + immediate family we’re at 45.

In speaking with my parents, along with a couple other people, they’ve all voiced concerns even limiting it to that size. (For reference, our families get along great. It’s not coming from a place where they disagree with us getting married, it’s purely a safety concern).

I would hate to have a wedding where our own family feels unsafe, however I’m with you in that postponing it any longer is just dragging it out. We’ve been together for over 15 years, time to close this chapter of our lives lol.
Have the outdoor ceremony with 50-100 people. Skip the dinner and, of weather allows, do a less formal outdoor reception.

I never dreamed of a big wedding - I actually didn’t want a wedding with guests at all, so this seems like an easy solution. I know it’s not that easy for everyone. But the day will be what you make it. The most important thing is taking the next step. I had a non-traditional wedding. I had a small backyard ceremony and went out for dinner in a private area of a restaurant. Then we had an outdoor, family-reunion style reception at a park the next day for more guest (In retrospect, I would have done one of the other...seems silly to have spread it out...the ceremony was supposed to be private but it snowballed onto 30 or so guests). We got lots of compliments about how low key and different it was. People have been to a billion traditional weddings - most hadn’t been to one where they could play badminton and bocce ball.

You can always throw a big party for your first anniversary to make up for the one you missed. But my guess is that once you are married and moved on with your lives, the party won’t seem too important.

If you have kids one day, you can tell them about how you got married during a pandemic and had to get creative and change your plans! Show them how they can make the best of an unfortunate situation!
Deal Addict
Jun 12, 2008
1093 posts
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Ripley
Elope. Or do something small. It's not worth the risk.

Are you in Ontario? Here you would be limited to 50 people for anything inside and you have to be 6ft apart from anyone not in your 10 person social "bubble". The overall number may be limited to less then 50 by the space inside your venue.
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Nov 13, 2010
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Have a small indoor wedding/dinner/reception and limit it to your own 2 families only......skip the cousins and uncles and aunts and all that jazz.

Explain to her there’s a pandemic out there (not sure why she doesn’t wanna understand and insist on big event).

Rent a smaller cheaper venue, and be done with it, rather do it now in august than october. Do not do outdoor as weather is untrusty and can ruin it all.

Use the savings for a trip/travel and buy her some gold.

Hope she understands, otherwise good luck dude lolz
Member
Jun 11, 2006
442 posts
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Since it is your fiancees "dream", what does she want to do to proceed? After planning for 3 years, I can see how that would be a letdown to cancel it altogether! I'd be brainstorming on ways to still mark the occasion without many guests. Eg. can you get married just the 2 of you (or with maybe parents and siblings) but in full wedding attire with the photos etc. That could be very romantic! Then plan to have a party later as suggested.

I don't think I would force any of my family to come if they felt uncomfortable. I couldn't enjoy myself if I thought my guests were worried for their safety.
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Jan 9, 2011
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I get that a wedding is your fiancee's dream. But what if you held a wedding and nobody came? That certainly wouldn't be the wedding she has dreamed about, I'm sure. I wouldn't go to any wedding right now and I certainly would question the judgment of anyone I know who decides to go ahead with one right now.

Seriously. Cancel it. Take the money and run. Elope, and throw a big party once all of this is over.

Either that, or hold the whole thing outside with a small group. No indoor catered dinner. Think potluck picnic in the park.
Deal Guru
Mar 22, 2004
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RFD
I agree cancel the wedding, its so overrated. Save the money for a new home or something more important. Do something small and get it over with.
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Mar 10, 2005
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big time overrated, the only really good ones are the destination weddings otherwise they all just blend together and can't tell them apart. Cancel the wedding for now and do some sort of celebration a few years from now.
Discomfort is your friend
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Jan 9, 2011
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blexann wrote: the only really good ones are the destination weddings
Ugghhh those are the worst! I think that's an awful thing to do to your friends and family. "Hey Gary! Great news! You'll have to use up a week of your vacation time, change any plans you might have and pay for your own flight and hotel to Mexico, because I'm getting married! I don't care if you've been saving your money and banking your vacation for something else, because obviously this is more important!" I'd never do that to people I care about.
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Jul 12, 2003
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Overated or not, it is all depending how the couple use their resources. It is overated only for the couple that spend money like no tomorrow.

Talk to the finance again, if she really want to have a wedding, just go for it but downsize it.

If you cancel it now, you or her or both may regret in the future. Let's don't leave any regret in your life, or at least try not to if it is under your control
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Deal Addict
Dec 31, 2007
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City hall wedding. Your lives together can still proceed and not be on hold (ie settling down, buy a place, have a family, etc etc).

When the time is right, then throw that big bash.

Corona will just crush the atmosphere if you have it now. What kind of wedding photos will you have with guests all in masks? How are they supposed to have fun and celebrate your day with social distancing?
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Kiraly wrote: Ugghhh those are the worst! I think that's an awful thing to do to your friends and family. "Hey Gary! Great news! You'll have to use up a week of your vacation time, change any plans you might have and pay for your own flight and hotel to Mexico, because I'm getting married! I don't care if you've been saving your money and banking your vacation for something else, because obviously this is more important!" I'd never do that to people I care about.
Haha I hear you. From a fun factor though I just prefer them over traditional weddings but you are right it might not always fit in with your own vacation plans in which case I just decline. And I get that can be difficult to do with close friends and family.
Discomfort is your friend
Jr. Member
Apr 25, 2020
162 posts
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Talk to your fiance and weigh the options together. If both of you can wait, you may cancel and move the wedding and opt for a bigger and grander dream celebration that you wished for. But if you really want to have it this year, minimize your number of guests and have an intimate celebration, with just your two families involved and a few guests.
Deal Addict
Oct 27, 2012
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One of my relatives is proceeding with her wedding in a few weeks from now. Was postponed to next year, but last month, she decided to move it back up to this year. Will have the full 50 people. I'm personally not going and I question the responsibility of continuing to hold an indoor wedding with plenty of older people. I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking this. That is to say, guests might feel uncomfortable attending and the atmosphere would accordingly be not-so-celebratory. Maybe save the bigger party for the future?
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Nov 13, 2010
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Op, show this thread to your fiancee and see her reaction ;)
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Jul 16, 2019
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Have the wedding i.e. the civil/religous part now along with a small celebration of 50 people. Postpone the larger party to next year same time as a one year party to celebrate the wedding. People will understand. And most importantly, your bride will be happy.
We are in a similar situation. Moved out a large summer banquet hall event (300 people) to Nov but unlikely to happen so will likely resched for next year.

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