Parenting & Family

what are some things to know or mistake to avoid when getting married??

[OP]
Newbie
Aug 12, 2021
2 posts
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what are some things to know or mistake to avoid when getting married??

first timer here without too much experience/knowledge with marriage.

- what are some of the things you wish you had known before getting married?
- what are some of the legal things to be mindful of?
- How much do weddings cost?
- I own a small condo which we currently live in, we will probably eventually upsize to a bigger condo or townhouse, but that may be a few years later. does marriage transfer the current condo into a "marriage house" when we get married? (my partner doesn't have any property). and does that mean in a potential divorce, would my partner get 50% of the condo automatically? (obviously hoping it will never happen, just want to understand the risk exposure here)
- are prenups needed?
- what type of lawyer should I speak with prior to getting married (or needed for marriage)?

thanks guys :)
58 replies
Deal Addict
Nov 13, 2013
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There are an infinite number of answers to a lot of your questions. I'vee been to weddings that cost $300 and $300,000.

Matrimonial home for many in this real.estate market is the biggest risk of marriage. There are some strategies to mitigate it. One being to borrow against it before marriage. Compared to a marriage contract ("prenup") it can be done by you alone without poisoning the start of the relarionship.
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Mar 24, 2015
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Before you actually get married, you both need to have a discussion about kids (want them? How many?), Views on religion if you follow any, how close are family, relatives, friends and will they have an impact on your relationship, hobbies, finance, spending habits, etc...

Some things are left till it's too late.

We don't have a prenup, but prior to getting married, my husband and I had an idea of how we wanted our future to be. We spent lots of time talking about what we would do in certain scenarios. We even did long distance for a while. We've know each other for 20yrs, married for 16.

Wedding cost, really depends on what you both want but make sure you both agree on a budget and are able to compromise where needed. It's not only the bride's day, but the groom's too. We had a few issues when it came to the people we should invite and number. If we had to do it again, w would have cut down on the number of guests. We tried too much to please the parents (lots of relatives and friends who we hardly know)
Last edited by ckay1980 on Aug 14th, 2021 10:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Kids as mentioned.

Sex, frequency, drive, what happens if one person loses interest. Make sure its not just about sex, that you are madly in love with your spouse. And how you handle conflict, you need to be a team and not going for each others throats ever. And you need to be able to compromise and come to mutual decisions.

Debts and income. What is both your current full financial pictures? Are you both working and plan to stay in the same careers?
Joint budgeting, and what are you long term financial goals. Are you both savers or spenders. If one of each how will you handle that? And what if debt comes along or the spender causes debt, how will that get handled?
Are you going to have joint or separate accounts.

How much do you want to spend on your wedding? Are you both in agreement? What if you go over, can you afford it?
You can spend zero dollars or spend your entire net worth plus LOCs/CCs if you wish. I highly recommend you don't.

How do you handle both your families? does everyone get along, are there simmering issues, are there past traumas to deal with?

Make sure you know each other very, very well, don't rush, marriage is not going anywhere.

You want a pre nup.
In fact in Rand McNally they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people
Deal Addict
Nov 24, 2004
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ckay1980 wrote: Before you actually get married, you both need to have a discussion about kids (want them? How many?), Views on religion if you follow any, how close are family, relatives, friends and will they have an impact on your relationship, hobbies, finance, spending habits, etc...
This exactly.

It seems like a lot of people get married without actually talking beforehand (and agreeing) about what they want their married life to be like. Others get married because of social pressure (from family or "society"). Still others get married because they really want to have a wedding.

If you can't have an honest conversation with your spouse-to-be about what your married life will be like, you're not ready for marriage (either not ready yet, or you won't ever be ready with this particular person). It's easier to "undo" a marriage before it happens, and some people, by their nature, simply do not make good spouses (at least for modern marriage in western societies). Something to keep in mind.
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Dec 5, 2006
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This is probably culture thing. I am from China and it's hard for us to discuss those financial things such as prenup. Kids is different story though

I am just wondering in western culture, how far you are willing to go to protect yourself for marriage assuming we are not talking about 100 million here. Marriage is a commitment , but should we treat it as a business contract?

Just curious
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Quentin5 wrote: Kids as mentioned.

Sex, frequency, drive, what happens if one person loses interest. Make sure its not just about sex, that you are madly in love with your spouse. And how you handle conflict, you need to be a team and not going for each others throats ever. And you need to be able to compromise and come to mutual decisions.

Debts and income. What is both your current full financial pictures? Are you both working and plan to stay in the same careers?
Joint budgeting, and what are you long term financial goals. Are you both savers or spenders. If one of each how will you handle that? And what if debt comes along or the spender causes debt, how will that get handled?
Are you going to have joint or separate accounts.

How much do you want to spend on your wedding? Are you both in agreement? What if you go over, can you afford it?
You can spend zero dollars or spend your entire net worth plus LOCs/CCs if you wish. I highly recommend you don't.

How do you handle both your families? does everyone get along, are there simmering issues, are there past traumas to deal with?

Make sure you know each other very, very well, don't rush, marriage is not going anywhere.

You want a pre nup.
I agree with all above except the blanket statement in bold. Whether you get a prenup is entirely up to you.

A prenup would have soured our relationship, I think. My wife and I both come from a long line of family who has never gone through divorce, though.

We didn't get one, and I've never even considered wanting one.
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Dynatos wrote: I agree with all above except the blanket statement in bold. Whether you get a prenup is entirely up to you.

A prenup would have soured our relationship, I think. My wife and I both come from a long line of family who has never gone through divorce, though.

We didn't get one, and I've never even considered wanting one.
I'm glad it worked out for you but there are countless stories of the opposite.
A pre nup doesn't imply lack of trust, it simply protects both parties.

Think of it as a budgeting tool.
In fact in Rand McNally they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people
[OP]
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Aug 12, 2021
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thanks for the input guys. you are right, we should spend some time to talk about it rather than automatically shifting gear to the 'next chapter' of our life.

what is the best way to handle finances (including assets like a property) pre-marriage?
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smartie wrote: I am just wondering in western culture, how far you are willing to go to protect yourself for marriage assuming we are not talking about 100 million here. Marriage is a commitment , but should we treat it as a business contract?

Just curious
Pre-nups are not common. One source I found (from 2018) provides some numbers -- it is a small minority of married couples. https://www.theglobeandmail.com/investi ... ankruptcy/

I can see a pre-nup making sense if there are issues related to business ownership or big inheritances. For most people, they aren't required. I personally know no-one in my age circle (40s) with a pre-nup.

The bigger issue with divorce is what happens with child custody arrangements.
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Jan 15, 2019
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smartie wrote: This is probably culture thing. I am from China and it's hard for us to discuss those financial things such as prenup. Kids is different story though

I am just wondering in western culture, how far you are willing to go to protect yourself for marriage assuming we are not talking about 100 million here. Marriage is a commitment , but should we treat it as a business contract?

Just curious
I love your last sentence.
People unfortunately don’t treat marriage as a commitment anymore. For many I t’s convenient until it’s not. And that’s why they feel the need to protect themselves.
Quentin5 wrote: I'm glad it worked out for you but there are countless stories of the opposite.
A pre nup doesn't imply lack of trust, it simply protects both parties.

Think of it as a budgeting tool.
A budgeting tool? Lol, sorry but that’s good.

Do you sleep in separate rooms and lock the doors from each other as a safety measure?

IMO a prenup is setting (the average person) up for failure.

Don’t enter a relationship, or a marriage for that matter, if you can see a possibility of NOT being with them eventually.

I love my wife. Always have. Always will. If there’s a future without her, I’d want her to have all my money. Not just half.
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username6 wrote: Do you sleep in separate rooms and lock the doors from each other as a safety measure?

IMO a prenup is setting (the average person) up for failure.

Don’t enter a relationship, or a marriage for that matter, if you can see a possibility of NOT being with them eventually.

I love my wife. Always have. Always will. If there’s a future without her, I’d want her to have all my money. Not just half.
When something like half of marriages end in divorce you can say all you want that its not necessary.
Divorce happens unfortunately Crying Face
In fact in Rand McNally they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people
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Quentin5 wrote: When something like half of marriages end in divorce you can say all you want that its not necessary.
Divorce happens unfortunately Crying Face
According to the Toronto sun (link below — no official source. Too many beers to search deeper), 31% of marriages end in divorce.

I don’t disagree that the rate of divorce is high. Just not nearly half.

Also, 20% of Ontario-ans are not vaccinated and I also think that’s insane. Maybe there’s a correlation? (Just kidding).

https://torontosun.com/news/national/ca ... 85d1b/amp/
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If you have "doubt" about her/him, just stay in common law. Although many things are still literally the same, but at least you don't have to go through wedding and getting a marriage certificate, etc.
Are you both comfortable stay in common or have kids later?

Get a Will and POA after, so everything is easier to manger if one of the 2 have serious illness or passed away.

You are am owner of a condo, and he/she doesn't. Perhaps maybe he/she has much more money than you do, so I think this is over worry.
Like you said, later on, you both get acquire another property and see how much she/he can contribute to make you feel more comfortable. Make sure to get life insurance+disability insurance for each of you if you are getting a mortgage.

Wedding can be a money drainer, but depends how you spend. The venue, we end up having a surplus since we have a lot of generous friends and family members and they didn't overspent on venue. Everyone has impressed and had a good time.
Wedding/engagement photo, wedding bands, etc...those can be few thousand dollar on total and you can also control how you to spend and what to spend. I wouldn't worry too much unless you are struggling financially already and any extra bills will drag to into debt.
It is sometime to remember later on when you get older and you can never go back to those moments.
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username6 wrote: According to the Toronto sun (link below — no official source. Too many beers to search deeper), 31% of marriages end in divorce.

I don’t disagree that the rate of divorce is high. Just not nearly half.

Also, 20% of Ontario-ans are not vaccinated and I also think that’s insane. Maybe there’s a correlation? (Just kidding).

https://torontosun.com/news/national/ca ... 85d1b/amp/
Assuming correctness it just does not change the point i made in that if things go south it protects the interests of both parties.
In fact in Rand McNally they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people
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Jun 12, 2019
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username6 wrote: I love your last sentence.
People unfortunately don’t treat marriage as a commitment anymore. For many I t’s convenient until it’s not. And that’s why they feel the need to protect themselves.


A budgeting tool? Lol, sorry but that’s good.

Do you sleep in separate rooms and lock the doors from each other as a safety measure?

IMO a prenup is setting (the average person) up for failure.

Don’t enter a relationship, or a marriage for that matter, if you can see a possibility of NOT being with them eventually.

I love my wife. Always have. Always will. If there’s a future without her, I’d want her to have all my money. Not just half.
awwwwwwwww :)
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Sep 16, 2004
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Key is honesty and being honest with each other about what they expect from each other, the marriage and how hard they are willing to work at it.
Often one person hold more of the power, gives up their power to the other, makes all the compromises and sometimes try to make the marriage work all by them selves.
Result is one person dominating, controlling the other and disaster off course.
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smartie wrote: This is probably culture thing. I am from China and it's hard for us to discuss those financial things such as prenup. Kids is different story though

I am just wondering in western culture, how far you are willing to go to protect yourself for marriage assuming we are not talking about 100 million here. Marriage is a commitment , but should we treat it as a business contract?

Just curious
I always got the vibe in a lot of Asian cultures… is that divorce is highly frowned upon. So people work it out and compromise (isn’t that what a marriage is?).

Except for beatings and cheating. People understand those…
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Oct 12, 2007
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In my opinion, if you have legality of marriage in the back of your mind, you're not ready for marriage. Legality is just some backdoor you're always looking at to get out of marriage.

And even if you are cohabitating, in terms of legality, the government will consider that you are married if you've been living together for a year or whatever your local government has set out. You're going to be dealing with legality regardless.

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